Movie Reviews by Mose

Ginger Snaps 7/10

One of the few good things to come from our so-called peaceful neighbors to the north, this gory horror flick offers a refreshing new spin on the traditional werewolf legend by equating a werewolf’s monthly change with a young girl’s menstrual cycle (always a welcome topic for us guys). Two sisters, obsessed with death, head out one night to exact revenge on one of their school’s more popular girls when Ginger, the older of the two, is attacked by an unseen creature. It’s now up to younger sister Brigitte and the helpful neighborhood drug dealer Sam to find a cure for Ginger’s new appetite. With a brief nod to one of my favorite movies, Harold and Maude, director John Fawcett creates what is probably the best werewolf movie since “American Werewolf in London”, though that’s not saying much given the genres abysmal track record.

__________________
Toefuzz.com - Movie reviews and quotes for those of us fortunate enough to not have our heads shoved up overly critical rectums!

My Top 100 favorite movies.

Dude, I'm really starting to wonder about you.

Was your puppy killed by a Canadian or something?

__________________
"Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

No, I live in Michigan and just love to pick on Canadians! It's the only place our misguided youth can go to drink and gamble

Besides, being one of the 231 Americans who loves Hockey I am exempt from being politically correct when it comes to Canadian jokes... Kind of like when Jerry's dentist converted to Judaism just to get the good jokes!

How else might you be wondering about me?

You think that all the coastal cities are to blame for America's downfall...I live in Portland. You hurt me terribly, so I'm not sure if I can go to your party this weekend. Besides, if it wound up going poorly, you might blame me for its downfall which would cause me to 'go inward', and my psychiatrist told me I'd have to 'check myself in' for 'electric shock therapy' if I did that or 'kill anyone' ever again. She's so unsympathetic and prude.

Of course I didn't meant you in particular Slay... Just the Nancy Pelosi's of the Coasts!

You also have to bear in mind if I write something it's almost always meant in the most sarcastic of ways... I'll admit, not the best form of humor for the internet, but it's all I've got

I am hurt terribly too, I didn't even get invited.

__________________
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

Who's Your Daddy 3/10

At an early age I came to the crushing realization it was unlikely I would become my generation’s Hugh Heffner. To combat this sad awareness I often fantasized about creating a movie that would cast me, the all knowing Mose, as the central character in grotto life. Of course being the rational person that I am, I never attempted to turn that dream into a reality, rightfully assuming nobody wanted to see it. Unfortunately the gentlemen responsible for “Who’s Your Daddy” never reached said realization and went on to create this cliché ridden comedy comprised of 90 minutes of filler and a few brief moments of hilarity, though not enough to make this supposed coming-of-age tale worth watching. For those interested, the plot involves an adopted high-school student whose biological parents pass away, leaving behind a Playboy type enterprise. Will the money, fame, and ‘Angels’ (think Bunnies) go to an 18 year old straight males head? I’ll leave that for ya’ll to decide. On a side note, am I alone in thinking Ali Landry might be the most beautiful woman in the world?

what about the Wizard of oz? great american film!

__________________
"She must suffer to her last breath"

I've been away from the computer for awhile but have a few I'd like to add.

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid 4/10

With the aid of ominous sounding music, a greedy team of scientists trek through the jungles of Borneo to find something called the Blood Orchid, a flower they hope will be a Viagra of sorts for the human life span. Lead by Captain Badass, this team of intrepid explorers begins dropping faster than KaDee Strickland’s southern accent, no small feat given she wasn’t cast for her acting chops. In short, if you are the type of person who lives for bad snake movies (and after all, isn’t that the only kind?), then Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid is for you! All else need not apply, unless they happen to be gluttons for painful acting and cheesy effects.

Joe Somebody 2/10

Joe Scheffer (Tim Allen) decides he’s not going to take it anymore after his daughter watches a coworker kick her father’s butt over a parking space. He decides to challenge this giant and quickly becomes one of the most popular people at work, but do these newfound friends like him for who he is or what he’s going to do? Joe must now weight this newfound popularity against the love and respect of those who liked him for who he was, not what he’s become. Jim Belushi aside, Joe Somebody squanders any chance it had at being a successful comedy by trying to fit into the ABC after-school special mold. At this they are unsuccessful due to some of the films language and violence, both of which will prevent many parents from watching this one with their children and there is no way Joe Somebody can stand on its own as a movie for adults. Essentially it feels a bit like an HBO sitcom they toned down for the networks, only a really, really, really long sitcom without the laughs.

Porky's 8/10

I was sitting down to watch Porky’s the other day when to my surprise, my handy dandy movie guide gave it a Turkey rating, essentially saying it’s one of the worst films ever made. Confused, I began to question whether my recollection of films such as Porky’s was skewed by my adolescent need to see naked boobies? Was I really this shallow at such a young age? I’m proud to say the answer to such questions is a resounding NO! One of the original crude teen sex comedies, Porky’s is deserving of its reputation as a classic amongst those of us who gladly lack any and all sophistication.

Porky's II: The Next Day 6/10

Set against a backdrop of bigotry and intolerance, Porky’s 2 deals with complex issues in a matter befitting their serious nature, mainly through the use of crude sexual humor. The adult in me was repelled by the coarse humor prevalent throughout the film while the adolescent boy was thrilled by the vulgar fun as this group of randy teenagers battles a corrupt minister hell bent on shutting down their production of Shakespeare.

Thanks Mose, I think I will give Joe Somebody a miss.

"Joe Somebody" in my opinion would'nt even be worth reviewing.It was so bland and unfunny that I thought I was going to die of boredom as I viewed it.

Ah, but then you'll miss out on the cinematic excellence known as Tim Allen! 'Tis a shame!

The Grudge 3/10

Given the recent success of The Ring it comes as no surprise that Hollywood would elect to remake more Japanese horror movies, unfortunately The Grudge isn’t one of their better attempts. Based on an old Japanese saying that loosely translates into “If you die while really ticked off you turn into some creepy looking kid in need of a serious attitude adjustment that only Buffy the Vampire Slayer can give”, The Grudge resorts to the lowest of Hollywood horror trickery, mainly cheap scares consisting of some creepy looking kid jumping into frame from off camera. And while I can’t claim surprise given the movie’s star (Sarah Michelle Geller), I can claim disappointment given the positive word of mouth the original film has received.

8 ½ 5/10

One of the definitive art-house movies, Fellini’s 8 ½ deals with a director disillusioned with his most recent sci-fi endeavor and unable to assimilate his interesting surroundings into a compelling and coherent narrative, I think. Jumping between reality and fantasy seemingly at whim, Fellini’s oftentimes confusing story is regarded as filmmaking at it’s finest, though I don’t see it. His brilliant and fluid tracking shots aside, this story seems to go nowhere and doesn’t mind taking it’s time along the way. Perhaps I’m simply not smart enough to understand what makes the film great. If so, I’ll be content to stick to my mindless action flicks while only occasionally trying to broaden my horizons with films I don’t understand.

Mose’s Reviews:

Garden State:
I still haven’t seen this one, but I really want to. I’m in love with Portman (who isn’t) and enjoy Braff a lot. I hope I walk away content after I see it.

Mean Streets:
Stop gushing, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey:
Not really a review, but rather a synopsis of the film. I never really liked it anyway, though Keannu is dreamy.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse:
This is why you should always masturbate before writing reviews.

After Hours:
Spread your legs, and then bend your back, then present your nuts for a serious kicking. I love this film. It’s too bad that you’re so busy hating Canadians and being horny to enjoy it.

House of Flying Daggers:
I’m checking this one out this week; I’ll get back to you. Considering that I’m a huge Yimou Zhang fan, assume to follow the steps I outlined above.



Yes, that makes perfect sense. You can protect your testicles now. *grumble…lucky bastard*



The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
Great review and you captured my sentiments perfectly. I was really annoyed when I saw they were making a remake, but it wound up being one of the best remakes I had ever seen. It sure as hell didn’t hurt that Demme acquired the cast that he did.

The Iron Giant:
I liked it, but never fell in love with it. Nice wording though; it’s easy to tell you’re a loving papa.

Friday Night Lights:
Sigh…I suppose I should eventually rent this one…but why bother as long as the sappy Rudy is still one I enjoy so much?

Face/Off:
Hated the film. Can’t stand the director. Hate the fact that he’d like to change the face of the war genre by making them action/adventure movies. I’ll never forgive the hack.

The Village:
I’m one of the few that wasn’t overly disappointed with The Village. Yes, I went in expecting it to be more than it was, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I’d rate it fourth among his last four movies though. Good review.

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle:
I assumed that I would like this one after watching the trailer, but I failed to see it. Nice of you to remind me…another reason why your testis are safe…for now! Mwahahaha!

Catwoman:
I saw this one on a brainless day of movie hopping that included films I didn’t want to pay for. I didn’t quite hate it as much as you, but I sure didn’t like it. If Pitof would have made up his mind what type of movie he wanted to make, it could have been better, but he couldn’t. It kept trying to be serious, yet campy…and that does not work. I would have enjoyed it more if it had gone all out camp…but alas.

The Forgotten:
It’s too bad that this film is as poor as it is. The story could have been great, but only achieved mediocrity. Good call.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington:
The fact that you slipped this one in among so many, well, crappy films, leads me to believe you’re bi-polar. Were you off your medication? Nice review of a wonderful classic. I also like the way you gave Jean Arthur her…props, I guess.

Mean Girls:
All right, all right, I’ll rent it! doG! Give a guy a break will ya’?

This is Spinal Tap:
What can anyone say about this film that won’t sound like a slobbering puppy eating a steak? It kicks ass…and you agree with all of us. Good job, you’re not a hack like me.

The Color of Money:
Perfect commentary on a lackluster film made by a legendary director…and you’re right…Paul Newman will always be one of the coolest cats to ever grace the big screen.

Uncle Buck:
I’ve never been a big John Candy fan, and this film didn’t change that. There are a small handful of roles that he did that I did enjoy, but most of his films fall into the category of forgotten flicks as far as my brain goes.

Alien vs. Predator:
Okay, we’re back to the nut kickin’ time. Well, actually, you did hate it. So I guess you’re safe.

Play Misty For Me:
DAMNIT!! Stick those nuts out, bro! And I don’t mean on my chin either, you sick ^%^$&*$!!! I do understand how watching a film from a time not remembered or ever known can lose the impact it once had, but try to remember that this was a groundbreaking movie in a lot of ways. But actually, it would be better if Holden Pike defended this one. Clint’s his passion.

THX 1138:
This one needs to be complimented with an 1/8 of shrooms. I never got into it all that much. Nice review though.

Undisputed:
Never wanted to see this one, and you certainly haven’t changed my mind about that!

Mr. Deeds Goes to Town:
You know, there should be a law that prevents Adam Sandler from ever making remakes. He couldn’t get this one right, so who can possibly expect him to get The Longest Yard right? I know he didn’t direct them, but you know he had some creative ( ) influence over them. I’m glad you chose to watch and review the original instead of wasting time on the garbage. Frank Capra movies should be left alone.

Wake of Death:
Let me guess…you review everything that you watch. Ugh. Why the hell would a Frank Capra fanatic even bother watching a movie like this. Your testicles are going to be nothing but pudding soup when I’m finally done kickin’ ‘em!



What the hell?!?!?

Hmm…Who is this Slay everyone talks about? Tell me…is his, you know, his thingy…as big as everyone says?

Pretty damn spiffy for a top 100! Here are the only comments I have (and remember…I’m just playin around).

12. When Harry Met Sally (yipes! Actually, one of the better contemporary romantic comedies.)
15. Best in Show (couldn’t get into it…I know it’s smart and witty…but just couldn’t.)
36. Mallrats (not bad…but not even close to being great. But it’s cool that you’re being honest.)
39. Brain Donors (never even heard of it before…thanks!)
44. Desperado (cool, I like it too…but why a favorite?)
46. Matrix Trilogy (shame on you!)
47. Die Hard Trilogy (the whole trilogy?)
64. Commando (eww…)
67. Secondhand Lions (you are a sappy slob, ain’t ya’?)
71. Field of Dreams (see above.)
74. Slap Shot (cool…more honesty. I forgot this movie existed.)
79. Rocky IV (okay…present nuts. I can understand Rocky, but Rocky IV?)
82. Happy Gilmore (icky.)
94. Bull Durham (hmm…yeah, you're honest...blah/blah/blah.)



Unstoppable:
Wow. You really hated this one. Maybe you should quit watching ****ty movies.



I have my own too. Can anyone say The Fifth Element?



Tomie: Replay
Never heard of it before this very moment. I guess I’ll check it out if I stumble upon it, but there’s really no shortage of better movies of this type. Or is there?

Below:
Again; WHY ARE YOU PICKING OUT THESE CRAPPY FILMS?!?!?! I don’t get it. Are you self-destructive? You seem to know ahead of time that they’ll suck…I’m just confused.

Ginger Snaps:
I think I’ll still skip it. Horror movies are notoriously crappy anymore.

Who's Your Daddy:
Where do you find the films you write your reviews about? I haven’t heard of a few of them before. This is one of them…and thanks to you, I’ll remember to never hear of it again.

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid:
I had a screening pass for this one and was actually able to sell it for $5. Boy, I sure felt guilty doing that.

Joe Somebody:
Wait a minute! You’re reviewing movies shown on TV, aren’t you? Well, at least you didn’t pay to see the ‘next’ Tim Allen crapfest. Lucky you. I actually paid to see this a number of years ago. I kicked myself in the nuts…which was no easy task, my friend!

Porky's / Porky's II: The Next Day
I won’t bother with these. For some reason I have always detested all the Porky’s movies. Nice of you to remind me of them though.

The Grudge:
I thought it was slick looking, but that’s it. Weak writing, weak acting, and cheap shocks, make this another forgettable, and regrettable horror movie. I like your review of it.

8 ½:
I’d like to see you write another review of this one after you’ve seen it a few more times. Have you watched many older foreign classics? Or is this one of your first?


Thanks for all the effort, Mose! Now treat yourself to some good movies.

Wow, it's going to take me awhile to properly respond to that post I am slightly concerned with your fascination with my manhood though

You do have to at least give me some credit for diversity! I mean really, who else watches the crap I do while still working in the classics? Consider me a student of the human condition attempting to understand why it is that crappy films like Unstoppable and Wake of Death are even made... at least that's what I tell myself

If fascination means that I want to smash them because you keep tormenting your eyes, your mind, and your wife, with the choices you make...be concerned.

Be very concerned.



Oh...don't feel compelled to answer it, I just felt like responding to it today.

81/2 is one of my favourites, I am a big Fellini fan, I agree with Lordylord give it another look.

Grudge I won't bother to see this.

But Gellar is Buffy

She used to be, now she is mortal, with that go bad reviews.

Then yes, I am very concerned!

I'm not one to tell a person they are wrong about a movie, but why would you write a review of a film that you know for a fact you didn't understand? If it is plain to you that 8 1/2 requires multiple viewings and total concentration, why decide its value after a single watch?

Otherwise, good reviews. I've always liked harsh reviewers but not when a breathtaking film is subject to an uneducated opinion.