Reviews



Title
Author


Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS   3/04/19
by Captain Spaulding
What's most surprising, however, is that Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS is surprisingly feminist.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers   3/01/19
by Captain Spaulding
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers opens with a disclaimer about how the chainsaws used in the picture are "real and dangerous," while also advising viewers not to try any of the stunts at home, "especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex," so it's immediately clear that the film is in on its own joke, which the hammy performances, ridiculous script and self-aware dialogue further demonstrate as the film moves along during its swift 75-minute run-time.

Merantau   3/01/19
by Captain Spaulding
The fight choreography isn't as jaw-dropping as it would become in The Raid and The Raid 2, but the fight scenes are still fantastic -- especially a showdown in an elevator involving Yayan Ruhian (another familiar face from The Raid movies) and a climactic battle in a shipping dock that's drenched in reds so heavy it would give Nicolas Winding Refn a hard-on.

Slave of the Cannibal God   2/20/19
by Captain Spaulding
Slave of the Cannibal God (also known as The Mountain of the Cannibal God) isn't as hardcore as later entries in the sub-genre, like Cannibal Ferox or Cannibal Holocaust (possibly my favorite horror film of all-time), but it's still brutal, nasty and perverse.

Hardware   12/15/18
by Captain Spaulding
The poster says Hardware is "the best science-fiction horror film since Alien."

The Lair of the White Worm   11/01/18
by Captain Spaulding
They're at their best early in the film when they're all bubbly and giggly with their cute accents rather than later in the film when they become typical damsels in distress.

Valet Girls   10/20/18
by Captain Spaulding
In a genre and era when such films regularly reduced female roles to sexual trophies as horny men are championed in their pursuit to pound as much p*ssy as possible, Valet Girls feels like a refreshing, feminist change of pace as the women have agency of their own and eventually gain the upper hand.

Bad Ass   10/12/18
by Captain Spaulding
Given its origins, its budget, its clich plot, and the director's track record of sh*tty parody films with sh*tty titles, Bad Ass is about as good of a film as it was capable of being.

The Funhouse Massacre   10/02/18
by Captain Spaulding
Everyone involved with the making of the film seems to be having a blast.

Cyborg   9/24/18
by Captain Spaulding
So says Fender, the stiff-walking, dreadlock-rocking, chainmail-wearing villain of Cyborg, in his opening voice-over narration of this 80's Van Damme vehicle from Cannon Films that mixes martial-arts with dystopian science-fiction.


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