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The Wolfman

I've been wanting to see The Wolfman ever since I saw the first trailer for it. At last, a beast that hasn't gone all Hollywood and twinkle-happy on me! I swear to you, I would have been arrested for dismantling the theater if at any point during the movie the Wolfman showed his true love that when he stepped into the moonlight, he was in reality made of polyester.

After reading that its release date had been postponed because of several production difficulties, I was worried that this movie was going to be an awful one. But then I realized that every movie lately has had the same potential to suck, and most of them lived up to that potential. In fact, I'd give anything to splice The Wolfman into Legion and let ol' Wolfy boy feast upon the entire cast. The people who paid to see Legion are owed at least that much.

I am happy to say that the makers of this movie did stick to the old school Wolfman story. Several vampire movies over the years have tried to change the rules when it comes to dealing with them. Crosses don't affect them, nor holy water. Same with garlic, although that was always kinda goofy to me anyway. "Oh no...garlic! My one spice weakness!" Sunblock was brought in to allow them into daylight. And of course, it's now reached the point that sunlight doesn't hurt them at all, it makes them... twinkle. Yawn. I know this tinkering allows studios to be lazier and on the rare occasion, more creative in their productions but some things should never be messed with.

The Wolfman didn't try to rewrite the rules at all: silver bullets and werewolves are still enemies. The full moon is still the leading cause of werewolfification. They are almost entirely merciless, even to loved ones and top Facebook friends. They like their meat rare and screaming, and they like it often. Most importantly, they can kiss a woman smack on the lips in their human form shortly after dining on a human pancreas during their werewolf state, and the woman doesn't mind a bit! I can't do that to a woman after dining on a box of Tic Tacs!!

Picking Benicio Del Toro as The Wolfman was a good decision, the man already resembles something unholy. He plays an actor, Lawrence Talbot, who obliges his sister-in-law's desire to come home and help locate his brother who has gone missing. Which is a way of saying his brother is now part of a steaming pile of werewolf dung. By the time he arrives, his brother's badly mangled body has been discovered and like all good, loyal brothers, Lawrence immediately falls in love with his widow, the lovely Emily Blunt. He also swears to find the beast or lunatic that killed his brother and two others.

As one may suspect in this situation, there are Gypsies involved and they are naturally blamed for all the goings-on. Have you ever seen a movie where bad things happen and the village people DON''T march into the Gypsy camp demanding to have their weights and birthdays guessed? Lawrence is already at the camp inquiring about his brother when the mob arrives. Then the finger pointing begins. Now if you know anything about Gypsy camps, you don't point fingers because they will take that opportunity to read your palms for an astronomical fee. During all this mass finger pointing/palm reading confusion, the werewolf shows up and begins turning the entire camp into it's own personal bowl of Kibbles n' Bits. Lawrence, in the act of saving a young boy, is of course bitten. Before he can properly reprimand the boy for biting him, the werewolf also bites him before fleeing. The bite inflicts Lawrence with the dreaded curse of the werewolf. Though the effects of the bite from the young boy remain unknown, I am sure that it at least resulted in some discomfort.

Hugo Weaving portrays Inspector Abberline from Scotland Yard, who shows up to investigate the massacre and a possible Neo sighting. Oddly (at least to me) he questions Lawrence about the possibility that he himself may have been the killer. I don't know anybody outside of Russell that can almost chew his own neck off AND simultaneously rip several people apart (Russ is very protective when it comes to me), but maybe Abberline has seen it more often in his line of work than I have as a restaurant manager.

Anthony Hopkins plays the father of the Talbot boys. He walks around in heavy forboding garments for most of the movie. Yes, clothing can be forboding, don't make me break out my prom photos! And people in heavy forboding clothing rarely have anything uplifting to say. My guess is, the heavy forbidding clothing makes them sad.

The rest of the movie, as one might suspect, focuses on Lawrence's transformation and the minor problems it causes (death), his relationship with his distant father, and his love for the newly single Ms. Blunt. Let me say this: while I enjoyed the movie quite a bit I will wait for it to hit the Wal Mart $5 bin before I buy it. It was a decent movie and I don't have anything against it, but there's nothing about it that makes me wanna watch it again any time soon. It was basically an old werewolf movie with lots of gore and better special effects. But it was also predictable (maybe they should have changed the rules like I suggested earlier). I even guessed the story's so-called twist (he's blind and on a mission from God) just from what was shown in the trailer.

Still, you've got to give it props for staying true to the werewolf myth, like I had hoped they would all along. Twilight could learn a thing or two from it, but unfortunately it's too tied up with courting tweenagers and my wrath. So I'll have to wait for the sequel, The Wolfman: An Inconvenient Tooth for my next monster fix.

Written by
The Infamous Mr. Wilson