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The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz
(directed by Victor Fleming, 1939)

This year mark's the 70th anniversary of one of the most beloved classics of cinema, The Wizard of Oz. I have obtained the beautiful, restored Blu-ray version that will knock your dirty socks off. If you haven't yet seen The Wizard of Oz, you're either an unhip youngster or a knotty old cantankerous talking apple tree. Even if you've been in a coma for twenty years and are just now waking up, you have no excuse ~ you should have been dreaming about Oz in your deep, unconscious state.

A lively teenage girl named Dorothy ~ Paris Hilton for her time, gets into trouble thanks to her little dog, Toto ~ falls asleep on her bed during a tornado and dreams about going to a magical, colorful little place called Oz, which is inhabitated by the sexy farm hands she obviously fantasizes about, only she puts them in costumes -- a lion, a scarecrow and a tin man.

Dorothy's nemesis, a bitter, unsexed woman named Miss Gulch, who wants to kill Dorothy's dog, Toto, also appears in the dream as The Wicked Witch of the West. In the dream... oh, and I guess I should have put up a spoiler warning for all of you weirdos who haven't seen the film... the whole movie is a dream that Dorothy's having. You should be able to figure that out as she falls on her bed and goes to sleep before arriving at Oz. Anyway, in the dream, her house, which was picked up by a tornado, falls on top of The Wicked Witch of the West's sister (the Wicked Witch of the East!) and kills her.

Dorothy, now a murderess, becomes highly loved by a beautiful, good witch named Glenda and a bunch of little people called "munchkins". But that's not the end of this 1939 Paris Hilton's dance of mischief --- she even steals the Wicked Witch of the East's shoes! AFTER SHE DIES!!!

I mean, VULTURE!

All of this is egged on by the peer pressure of the pretty witch, Glenda, of course.

The Wicked Witch of the West gets pretty pissed, naturally, and spends the rest of the movie thinking up ways of getting the shoes she ought to have inherited back. Finally, when she gets so fed up because everyone helps the goody-two shoes thief, she resorts to wanting to kill Dorothy.

WARNING: "The Wizard of Oz" spoilers below
But ultimately, Dorothy ends up killing the Wicked Witch of the West - "accidentally" - and is rewarded with a free hot air balloon ride.

That's hot.