← Back to Reviews
in
PISTOLERA
Pistolera is an action movie with dialogue in English and Spanish, written by someone who must be not only illiterate pero además analfabeta. I know writing a film isn’t easy, but Romina Di Lella — who also stars — has such a knack for non sequiturs that, if anything, she should be writing comedy (which I guess she is, albeit unintentionally).
According to her self-written IMDb bio, "Di Lella,was born and raised in Berlin but her roots have always drawn her back to Italy, Milan - the city of fashion and artists of promotional film ... [an] outstanding artist ... [she] already had charisma since earliest childhood when cameras first recognized her potential ... Being a very versatile lady she ... shows in her productions that she is a woman with many faces. Delicate with a touch of mystery as a moderator, the powerful warrior in film, the beauty with speak of passion when dancing, the distinctive voice in musicals and the cold factual business woman with a dash of sex appeal in the TV series, not to forget the cheerful and playful little girl on stage."
That’s all verbatim, just in case. It’s also priceless, and far more entertaining than anything in this movie. Speaking of which, Pistolera kicks off with a prologue set "25 Years Earlier." Earlier than what is not very clear, considering that there’s a scene with a calendar hanging on the background wall, and the calendar says "Octubre 2018."
So, when the movie switches to the "present," does that mean we’re in the year 2043? Moreover, the little girl in the flashback speaks English like a normal person, while Di Lella, who supposedly plays the same character allegedly aged 25 years (yeah well, she wishes), talks, or attempts to, with the accent and diction of Eliza Doolittle in Tommy Wiseau’s My Fair Lady.
The titular Pistolera (Di Lella) is released from prison and devotes herself to the Revenge Business, which she conducts in full Tomb Raider cosplay. She recruits her cousin Rico, who also appeared as a young boy in the prologue, and is played now by Damian Chapa (who 25 years ago was already 25).
Chapa is also nominally the director, and one’s tempted to blame this incoherent mess on him (God knows it certainly looks like his usual work), but it’s clear that this is Di Lella’s baby — or, rather, abortion —, something that the way the opening credits are arranged leaves no doubt about.
The plot, such as it is, boils down to a series of random, poorly choreographed fights and shootouts, which make even less sense within (for lack of a better term) context, considering that much of the movie’s exposition is delivered by a person who mumbles in English and babbles in Spanish (and vice versa).
Her non-verbal communication, by the way, is equally monosyllabic, reduced to two basic facial expressions: one that makes her look constipated, and another that makes her look no longer constipated. And as for her body language, let’s just say that hips don’t lie, and they’re telling me those "25 years" are a dead giveaway that Di Lella is just as bad with numbers as she is with words.
Pistolera is an action movie with dialogue in English and Spanish, written by someone who must be not only illiterate pero además analfabeta. I know writing a film isn’t easy, but Romina Di Lella — who also stars — has such a knack for non sequiturs that, if anything, she should be writing comedy (which I guess she is, albeit unintentionally).
According to her self-written IMDb bio, "Di Lella,was born and raised in Berlin but her roots have always drawn her back to Italy, Milan - the city of fashion and artists of promotional film ... [an] outstanding artist ... [she] already had charisma since earliest childhood when cameras first recognized her potential ... Being a very versatile lady she ... shows in her productions that she is a woman with many faces. Delicate with a touch of mystery as a moderator, the powerful warrior in film, the beauty with speak of passion when dancing, the distinctive voice in musicals and the cold factual business woman with a dash of sex appeal in the TV series, not to forget the cheerful and playful little girl on stage."
That’s all verbatim, just in case. It’s also priceless, and far more entertaining than anything in this movie. Speaking of which, Pistolera kicks off with a prologue set "25 Years Earlier." Earlier than what is not very clear, considering that there’s a scene with a calendar hanging on the background wall, and the calendar says "Octubre 2018."
So, when the movie switches to the "present," does that mean we’re in the year 2043? Moreover, the little girl in the flashback speaks English like a normal person, while Di Lella, who supposedly plays the same character allegedly aged 25 years (yeah well, she wishes), talks, or attempts to, with the accent and diction of Eliza Doolittle in Tommy Wiseau’s My Fair Lady.
The titular Pistolera (Di Lella) is released from prison and devotes herself to the Revenge Business, which she conducts in full Tomb Raider cosplay. She recruits her cousin Rico, who also appeared as a young boy in the prologue, and is played now by Damian Chapa (who 25 years ago was already 25).
Chapa is also nominally the director, and one’s tempted to blame this incoherent mess on him (God knows it certainly looks like his usual work), but it’s clear that this is Di Lella’s baby — or, rather, abortion —, something that the way the opening credits are arranged leaves no doubt about.
The plot, such as it is, boils down to a series of random, poorly choreographed fights and shootouts, which make even less sense within (for lack of a better term) context, considering that much of the movie’s exposition is delivered by a person who mumbles in English and babbles in Spanish (and vice versa).
Her non-verbal communication, by the way, is equally monosyllabic, reduced to two basic facial expressions: one that makes her look constipated, and another that makes her look no longer constipated. And as for her body language, let’s just say that hips don’t lie, and they’re telling me those "25 years" are a dead giveaway that Di Lella is just as bad with numbers as she is with words.