akatemple of reviews

Eden Log (2007)
Directed By: Franck Vestiel
Written By: Franck Vestiel and Pierre Bordage



This French film, this very long feeling French film is basically about a world where all their energy is supplied by a enormous tree. The Eden Log is a secret underground science facility for studying the exposed tree roots. The studies that the scientists are conducting include injecting people with sap from the tree which gives them a symbiotic relationship with plants, and plants with humans. Eventually the sap turns people into man killing mutants that are then placed in boxes and hung from the tree canopy.



The part that bothered me the most is that the main character wakes up and can’t remember anything, in freezing cold mud, surrounded by dead bodies and when he does come into contact with a person he does nothing. He does no ask for a name, location, who are the freaks chasing me, any weapons, what’s going on, seriously what’s going on. This is a movie you either love or you hate there is no middle. I found the camera angles dizzying and annoying, Seriously what the hell is this film really about!

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YellowBrickRoad (2010)
Directed by: Jesse Holland and Andy Mitton

So the story begins zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh wow that was kind of disgusting
did not see that coming zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Oh god will the music
stop playing that is seriously getting annoying zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Wow that credits are rolling, did I really just
sit through that.

True Legend (2010)
Directed by: Woo-ping Yuen
Written by: Chi-long To



This is a really sad movie about revenge, Su’s (Man Cheuk Chiu) son is kidnapped by his step brother Yuan, a very evil and dangerous fighter who has perfected the fighting style called Five Venom Fist. While Su is training to go and get his son back he meets two men, the God of Wushu(Jay Chou) and the Old Sage (Chia Hui Liu who also played 2 parts in Kill Bill). Both of these men are some sort of gods and he is the only one that can see them. After regaining his strength he goes in search of Yuan, Good versus Evil someone has to die. There is also some comic relief in this film with the help of the Old Sage and God of Wushu, some of the scenes are just so ridiculous it will make you laugh.



This is also very very very loosely based on a true story about the invention of the fighting style called Drunken Fist which is still practiced today. The story is great and cinematography is just beautiful. David Carradine makes a appearance which I thought was just awesome. Anyone who is a fan of movies such as Ip Man or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon will love this movie. The fighting scenes are over the top goodness and there is plenty of blood and limbs flying around. I really suggest watching this movie.

Eden Log Looks like Dead Space. Will more than likely avoid as I can't see myself falling into the 'love it' category. Cheers.

Clash (aka Bay Rong) (2009)
Directed by: Le Thanh Son
Written by: Johnny Nguyen

Trinh, a mercenary, must complete several missions for her boss in order to get her daughter back who is being held as collateral to make sure she completes the jobs. While starting her next job Trinh assembles a team of five including herself. Amongst the five is Quan (Johnny Nguyen, stuntman in Spiderman 1 and 2, We Were Soldiers, Collateral, Serenity, Jarhead, and X-Men: First Class) who has his own motivation for helping Trinh complete her mission. This movie has car chases, a love story, crazy action scenes, tons of bullets and heads getting kicked in, enough to make me smile. The entire mission is to recover one laptop, evidently the only one in existence that can hack into Vinasat.1 (a satellite), so the story as far as that goes is not really one that will make you think too hard. The story about the relations of the group that is assembled is quite good and has some unexpected twists.



This is a Vietnamese film, I think this is either my first or second one that I have seen. A lot of the combat looks more like something you would see in a Thai movie, but that’s just me being picky because the fight scenes are great. I recommend this to anyone who likes a good ass-kicking movie.

Troll Hunter (2010)
Directed by:Andre Ovredal
Written by:Andre Ovredal and Havard S. Johansen

This mockumentary starts with 3 young college students making a documentary about Bear Poaching (I’m guessing, it never really sais), soon it becomes obvious that one of the men is not a Bear Poacher but something else entirely. Of course the naïve kids follow the man into the forest at night and discover that he is hunting Trolls. None of the kids believe in Trolls but the man lets them follow him as he goes on a Troll killing spree.



At the beginning they really try and make you think that this is a real documentary with footage that was just found and analyzed by professionals and found to be authentic. They do a really good job of that in the film also, the special effects are really good and the story line was pretty good. The only thing that killed it was that the girl (only one in the movie) was smiling way to much instead of being scared stupid.



There is some good dry humor to help this movie along, such as the almost Monty Pythonish armor the actor wears in one scene, and learning about the secret government squad known as the TTS. The Troll hunter complaining about how he gets no overtime or benefits from his job, saying this as he’s jack hammering the remains of a troll he just turned to stone. This is a Norwegian film so yes there are subtitles even though I am sure you can get a dubbed copy somewhere. In my opinion it is well worth the 1 hour and 44 minutes it takes to watch this film, and I really suggest you do.

Get Carter (1971)
Directed by: Mike Hodges
Written by: Mike Hodges and Ted Lewis

Jack Carter (Michael Caine) heads north back to his hometown of Newcastle for his brothers funeral. Nothing really adds up about the way his brother died, supposedly he was dead drunk and drove his car into the river. Only problem with that is apparently Jack’s brother did not drink. It’s not that Jack is very smart but more that he’s unpredictable and goes on instinct making it so that you don’t have any idea what he is going to do next.
Get Carter is a story of revenge, a very dark and gritty story of revenge. Even though Carter is a morally challenged protagonist, you find yourself rooting for him, this film taps into your dark side making you want more of the force without pity that is Jack Carter.



I went and saw the remake of Get Carter (2000) with Sylvester Stallone and walked out of the theatre about 30 minutes into it, it was one of the worst movies I have ever tried to watch. After seeing that it did not make me want to run out and watch the original, big mistake on my part.
There is a huge difference in the story, main thing for me was that in the remake Sylvester Stallone’s character tried to hard to make you like him. Michael Caine did not try to make you like him or hate him, his character was just ruthless and didn’t care if you liked or loved Jack Carter. I really loved this film and thanks to HK for getting me to watch a movie I never probably would have on my own.

Allen Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold (2008)
Directed by: Mark Atkins

I really like the 1986 Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold movie. I should have rented that and watched it again, but I did not do that. Instead I went ahead and got this 2008 FAILURE. Wow this movie is so horrible, there is nothing good at all to say about this film. There are so many mistakes in this, I don't see how during editing or shooting they did not catch that in Allan Quartermain's house in the film it has a alarm system, there was a blinking red light on a motion sensor in the hallway and this isn't one of those fraction of a second shots but probably about ten seconds the sensor is in view and right under it a modern day American style toilet, oh yeah and this movie takes place somewhere between 1910 and 1920. Just please don't waste your time with this, I have just done anyone who reads this a huge favor.



So to make myself feel better I will put the Trailer for the 1986 Allan Quartermain movie below.

9 (2009)

I can't believe I waited so long to see this film. This was a great animated movie, not for kids, this is a animated movie more for adults. This is a dark and gritty post apocalyptic story about a scientist who puts part of his soul into each one of the sewn up little lives, the characters must battle the evil machines so that they can finally be free. Elijah Wood, Christopher Plummer, Jennifer Connely and John C. Reilly add there voices to this film. If you are a fan of post apocalyptic and/or animated dark movies then you should deffinatly watch this one.

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010)

Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine) are on vacation up to there new cabin in the woods accidentally giving college kids they pass on the way the wrong impression. After things start going badly is when the hilarity starts when both sides (Hillbilly's/College Kids), the college kids think the Hillbilly's are trying to kill them and the Hillbilly's think the college kids are in some kind of suicide pact. Let the fun begin.



This is the perfect combination of Comedy and Horror, in my opinion this is the best thing that Alan Tudyk has done since Firefly and Serenity. I really recommend watching this movie, I laughed my ass off while watching plenty of blood flying through the air.

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)
Directed by: Jason Eisener
Written by: John Davies and Jason Eisener

A hobo (Rutger Hauer) jumps from a freight car hoping for a fresh start in a new city. Instead, he finds himself trapped in an urban hell. This is a world where criminals rule the streets and Drake (Brian Downey), the city's crime boss, reigns supreme alongside his sadistic murderous sons, Slick & Ivan. All the hobo wants is to save enough money to buy a lawnmower that is in the Pawn shop window, but winds up spending the money on a Shotgun instead. In a nutshell, HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN is a homage to the sleazy "Grindhouse" cult films from the 1980's. It's not a throw back to the 1970's cult films (like the amazing DEATH PROOF or HOUSE OF THE DEVIL), but more along the lines of the neon bright splatter flicks of the mid 80's.
This was originally a fake trailer created when Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino were bringing their Grindhouse film to the masses. The film is bloody, very bloody right from the very beginning. You really find yourself caring for the hobo and hoping nothing happens to his new friend Abby the hooker (Molly Dunsworth).



The car that Slick and Ivan drive in the movie is awesome, but I had no idea what kind of car it was so I did a bit of googling and found out it’s a Mid-70’s Canadian made car called a Bricklin.
There were references to a lot of great older movies and I swear right after the shotgun alteration scene there was an Evil Dead 2 Ash lookalike stuck in there, I might be wrong about that. If you like blood and guts with a bit of humor then watch this movie.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Directed of course by: Michael Bay

I watched the first Transformers because I was curious and wanted to see it with my friends, I watched the second Transformers because Megan Fox was in it. I am not really sure why I watched the 3rd Transformers, tons of explosions and violence is usually something I really like. But this was so PG-13 that you could tell, there was not on drop of blood even though hundred of humans were being slaughtered. The thing that really bugged me was the comedy and dumbass smaller Transformers, they tried to put way to much comedy in this film. Bottom line is just don’t watch this movie and I am not trying to offend anyone who is a fan but in my opinion this was just a big steamy pile.

I Am Number Four (2011)
Directed by: D.J. Caruso
Written by: Alfred Gough and Miles Millar

Tonight I decided to go for a bad double feature, first was Transformers and as you can tell from above I did not care for that very much. I Am Number Four is not a bad movie, it’s about a alien world that was taken over and their saviors were sent to earth to do something, still a little fuzzy about what they were there for except to survive. The story line is pretty much the same as quite a few others, there just isn’t anything new in this movie, I am a big Sci-Fi person but this just did not do that much for me. I am a big fan of Timothy Olyphant and I really liked him in this movie. I am not really sure what else to say, I just told you the whole story line so there you go. The Blooper real on the bonus features was the best part to me.



Oh yeah the dog was really cute in the movie, that's another point for the film.

Phase 7 (2011)
Directed by: Nicolas Goldbart
Written by: Nicolas Goldbart

Coco returns from the grocery store with his 7-months-pregnant wife Pipi, when their building is quarantined due to the outbreak of a deadly flu. Some of the neighbors start running out of food and turning on the more well stocked ones forming rifts within the people in the building. Coco joins up with there conspiracy theory nut neighbor who as it turns out is right about everything and really well stocked on supplies and weapons.
You don’t get to see outside the building until almost the end of the movie, so I’ll let what they find outside to be a surprise.



The soundtrack of the film is amazing, it really reminds me of 80’s early 90’s horror movie music. The movie is a bit drawn out and slow moving but all in all it was definitely worth watching.

SHROOMS (2007)
Directed by: Paddy Breathnach
Written by: Pearse Elliott

This is your basic teens doing something really stupid around really weird locals and expecting nothing bad to happen. This film takes place in Ireland where 5 teens from America meet up with an Irish man and go Shrooming way out in the middle of nowhere Ireland, apparently Ireland is like the king of Shrooms, at least that is the way the movie makes it look like almost everyone in Ireland is up to there ass in Shrooms. One of the teens eats one of the really bad shrooms and starts tripping really bad, seeing the future and who is going to die.



Oh yeah did I mention the talking cow, that part made me laugh pretty good. If you like movies like Wrong Turn and Cabin Fever then you should really watch this one.

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
Directed by: Lloyd Kaufman
Written by: Daniel Bova and Gabriel Friedman

If you learn anything from this movie it is that building a Fast Food restaurant on top of a Indian burial ground is a very bad idea. Arbie and Wendy (yes it’s part of a joke along with other characters names such as Denny, Carl Jr., Humus, Jose Paco Bell) are the two main characters of this film. Wendy goes off to college and becomes a lesbian while Arbie gets a job at the fast food restaurant named American Chicken Bucket. After a few really bloody deaths the people finally figure out that something is wrong, and of course with the help of the reincarnated Paco Bell who comes back as a Sloppy Jose sandwich.



This film insults EVERYONE, if you are easily offended then don’t watch this movie. Luckily it is almost impossible to offend me so I loved it, enough blood and body organs being ripped out to make a Japanese Ultra Gore movie blush, and more nudity then a softcore porn. What’s not to like?
The song and dance numbers are hilarious and insanely offensive, oh yeah and Ron Jeremy even has a cameo in this. They completely rip on Jared the Subway guy (the guy that has ruined my name for the rest of my life) which is more than okay with me.



The pop culture and political references as well as every race, creed, color, sexual preference, and body type in this film are very thick and hilarious. I think this is definitely the best Troma film I have ever seen.

Devil’s Playground (2010)
A.K.A London Zombie Epidemic

Directed by: Mark McQueen
Written by: Bart Ruspoli

Zombie films have been coming out of everywhere within the last few years it seems, we have had the slow moving zombies and the fast moving zombies. So what did they bring new to this movie, well something I wasn’t expecting and that is Parkour (a.k.a. Free Running) zombies. This not only speeds up the zombies but gives them the ability to jump walls and leap through windows making it almost impossible to get away from them.
The film starts by introducing a company called New-Gen and a new drug they have just started testing RAK-295 which is supposed to increase strength and stamina. At the end of the trial 29,999 or the 30,000 volunteers all start having very horrible reactions to the drug, the end result being that you become a zombie and start eating whoever is closest. Angela (MyAnna Buring) is the 1 person who appears to be immune to the drug, but before New-Gen can find her thinking that she might have the antidote in her body all hell breaks loose in London making it near impossible to find her.



Cole (Craig Fairbrass) is a mercenary who has lived his whole life doing horrible things to people, he thinks if he can find Angela and take her to safety that he will have finally done something good with what’s left of his life and get redemption for the things he has done. Cole, Angela and her boyfriend Joe (Danny Dyer), along with four others find themselves running for their lives trying to make it to safety.

This film really seems to be more about friendship and morality then zombies, when you have seven people and your lives are on the line what extremes would you go to in order to stay alive. This is a great zombie film with plenty of blood and flesh eating to satisfy any fan of the genre.

The Perfect House (2010)
Directed by: Kris Hulbert and Randy Kent
Written by: Kris Hulbert

This film contains 3 short stories about a house or to be more specific the basement. In the present day Mike and Marisol are going to look at their dream house, the real estate agent showing the house is a sexual innuendo dropping sadistic woman, eventually at the end of the tour she takes them to the basement which is when the 3 stories start.



“THE STORM” The first story is in black and white and takes place around the 60’s, the family is taking shelter in the basement because of a massive storm that is approaching the house. The kids are always being tormented by their mother being called weak and useless. With the flashbacks that you see that there are a lot of skeletons in this families closet. They soon realizes that the storm is not the only thing they have to worry about.

“CHIC-KEN” The second story set in 1986 starts off with a man mopping up blood and a girl locked in a cage in the corner of the basement. The man uses her as an audience while he allows people to choose the way they die and then carries it out, the girl is forced to watch while this is being done. The girl in the cage (Holly Greene) and the psychotic killer (Jonathan Tiersten) have great on screen chemistry and really play off each other doing a top notch job. This section of the movie has some extreme gore and you really feel you are watching one of the sickest killers ever.



“DINNER GUEST” You get a teaser of the third part at the very beginning of the film when a man invites his neighbors over to his house for dinner. There is an important lesson to learn from this part and that is to always remember to return stuff to its owner after borrowing it and definitely don’t call it trash and throw it away. The man (Dustin Stevens) ties the family up in his basement, he is very upset at having his Weed Whacker thrown away by his neighbor, so he decides to start taking stuff from the father starting with his kids and proceeding from there. This is by far the sickest and most sadistic part of the film, starting with the two youngest children having to fight each other to the death in order to save their mother. The anger and viciousness of the killings provide any horror fan with plenty of blood flying everywhere.

As far as I can tell this is not available on DVD yet, the extras on the copy I have said that this was going to premiere on Facebook, so I did some looking and I'll put the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/ThePerfectHouseMovie



Oh yeah and Chris Raab from CKY, Viva La Bam and Jackass makes a small appearance in the film.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

I have never read the comic series so there are a few things that bugged me about this movie. Does Dylan have some kind of super powers or anything because the beating he took in the movie was just beyond ridiculous if he didn't. There was a good amount of comedy in this but not to much to make it suck. All in all this was a good movie, I enjoyed watching it very much. But I will say one last thing and that is if your going to make a vampire/werewolf/zombie film then please rate it R.

Good Neighbors (2010)
Directed by: Jacob Tierney
Written by: Jacob Tierney and Chrystine Brouillet

The movie starts out slow. In fact I was ready to turn it off a few times. But it is just attempting to establish the plot I suppose. Almost the entire movie takes place in the apartment building in Montreal in the neighborhood of Notre Dame de Grace (I really don’t know why that is so special). Louise (Emily Hampshire) lives alone with 2 cats with which she has bonded. The crazy French lady upstairs hates her cats with a passion. Spencer (Scott Speedman) is a man bound to a wheelchair with a crazy love for fish that eat other living things, he’s not to big on the cats either because they tease his fish, also there are definitely some anger issues with him.



The new neighbor that moves in at the beginning of the film is Victor (Jay Baruchel) who is basically the same in this movie as he is in any film, spazy, nervous, weird, and has a crazy looking cat that he brought back from China(in the movie). Louise becomes obsessed with the serial killer that’s on the loose, this just becomes more so when her friend is killed by the serial killer(don’t worry that’s not a spoiler). Basically this is just another story of people contained in a small space trying to figure out who the killer is, I said at the beginning that the movie starts out slow but in truth the whole movie is slow and I found myself still waiting for things to happen. Might make for a rental if you really love Indie films and cats.