Do I rat on a friend?

Did you even read that post? I didn't suggest it should end the marriage, I suggested it might. The point was that you can speculate about potentially awful results just as much as potentially good ones.

It might end the marriage and it might not. But if that is her only transgression in a happy marriage, it shouldn't. And it is up to her boyfriend to understand her. It isn't Mr. I Like This Chick Because She Gets Me Laid by Being Seen with Her's business to tell someone he hardly knows information he didn't ask for. He should tell her to tell the bf or dump him or dump the guy with the nasty pictures, and if she doesn't, end the supposed friendship, which doesn't seem to be much of one anyway and get girls on his own.

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A moment ago you were saying we can't judge their lives, which is true. Now you're actively declaring what should or should not end their marriage?

Cheating on someone during an engagement is a completely valid reason not to want to be with them any more. So much so that it feels strange to have to point it out. If it's not the kind of reason you would use, that's your business. He may or may not think that way; I'm only pointing out that it obviously has the potential to end it.

It is a valid reason if you find out during the engagement. There are all sorts of valid reasons for ending an engagement. It is not a valid reason if you find out your wife gave a guy a blow job during an engagement without a wedding date and has been faithful during the marriage, if that is the case. What he does if he finds out if someone else tells him or by some other means before the marriage is up to him. But the OP should stay out of it in the situation described.

Yeah, no. It's a valid reason whenever. Maybe your conception of an engagement is wildly different than mine (and, I would wager, most people's), but it's not universally understood to be some Rumspringa free-for-all that gets wiped off the books if you get married.

But it really doesn't matter either way. The bottom line is that this is only your idea of how a relationship should work. You're in no position to tell this guy or anyone else that it's not a valid reason for ending a marriage. Especially just two posts after you suggested we shouldn't be telling people how to live their lives.

No, my version of an engagement is not different.

You're a Christian, right? Are you really telling me if your wife tells you in the the tenth year of your happy marriage after a couple of kids that she briefly strayed during the engagement, you would be marching to the lawyer's office? What happens before a marriage doesn't seem to be all that important if the behavior isn't repeated during the marriage.

Sometimes people tell other people things simply because they want an audience. The OP didn't make it seem like she ever had any intention of rectifying her mistake and didn't make it appear like she was asking for advice. It's also possible she felt guilty and wanted to tell someone who would absolve her of her guilt. Either way, I still stand by that it was really crappy to tell him.

I think some people are not getting that there is a possible marriage in play here. If my boyfriend cheats on me, it may or may not end the relationship but it's very different than if I have a husband that cheats on me. The choice to simply walk away is much easier if I have not made a commitment to spend the rest of my life with someone.

This girl's behavior is pretty abhorrent, but it's not about sitting in judgement of her it's about letting someone go into a situation without vital informant that most likely will end up having a future negative effect. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

If you think stuff like that doesn't count if someone simply manages to keep it a secret until after the marriage, then yes, it is.

To you, maybe. You don't speak for others.

As for me; who knows what I would do, unless confronted with it? And who knows if he finds out ten years in with two kids, or two years in with none? Not to mention that, while the physical part seems to have been brief, the stuff surrounding it has been going on for months, according to the OP.

But the point, as I keep saying, is that you can't say in one post we shouldn't be making these judgments for others, then turn around and start issuing proclamation about what is and is not a valid reason to end a relationship. That's what's known as a contradiction.

I would at least slap her very hard in the face.

What information does the OP have? She isn't in an actual affair. She is carrying on a flirtation that went briefly past a flirtation. Her behavior is not admirable, but it is not at this point completely outrageous. She denies it if OP rats on her and probably the fiance has always looked at the OP with suspicion and questions his motives, like he wants her for himself, and nothing changes. OP should just drop the girl and let her and the clueless fiance go on with their lives.

I wouldn't end a marriage if my partner had a brief period of infidelity. People make mistakes and things happen. I can understand that. It's completely different than someone who chronically cheats and has no intention of ever being monogamous. I can't imagine that someone who is having an affair throughout an engagement is ready to make a commitment or will suddenly turn things around when finally married.

We shouldn't be making these judgments for ratting on someone under these circumstances. I will make a judgement that this behvaior is not important if discovered long after a marriage where this behavior was not repeated.

I had this girlfriend who suddenly decided to tell me in a boastful way she cheated on her husband (she was divorced). I was amazed she told me becuae she was dropping marriage hints. Did she think I really wanted to hear that?

Then it shouldn't be completely outrageous for the fiance to give her a black eye for sucking sperm out of another guy's dick. 'Cause if they agreed on a monogamous relationship and she went and did something like that, that is really cruel. It might be something understandable and forgivable, but to the fiance, it could be soul crushing. There's more to blowjobs than just the sex part. You're probably only thinking about the sex part. You're not thinking about what else doing something like that also says. Like maybe she's doing it to inflict pain and really hurt her boyfriend. Even if she hasn't told him yet, she still told somebody else and the guy she sucked off knows, too. She has a weapon of pain and humiliation that she can use at any time she feels like now if she wants. At any time she feels, she can hurt her boyfriend by telling him she sucked some guy off. That's what these things are all about in these cases, usually -- inflicting pain on the one you're supposed to be loving.

That all may be true, but what is OP going to say to fiance, your girl BJ'd a dude? Why would anyone want to get in the middle of that drama? Just drop the chick with the blabber mouth because she is not worth the crap she creates.

I'm not sure why you think this is some kind of universally understood principle, rather than just you explaining your own personal standard of conduct. I don't agree with this at all, and I'm positive there are lots of others who don't, either.

You have no idea what I would do, and it's absurd that you would pretend to. Not to mention that you're defending something different than your chosen standard. You're suggesting blanket forgiveness after marriage, not just after a decade with two kids. Maybe he finds out a year later, with no children. And the hypothetical is even more confused than that, because lots of people stay in bad relationships for the kids. So the argument is...what? It's okay because maybe you'll have kids and then feel obligated to stay for them? Yeah, fantastic situation, that.

A fine judgment to have in mind. For your own marriage.

Well, I agree with that, basically. She does look like a lot of drama. But then again, the OP might be the same way. I mean, hello! Whoever he is -- he just signs up on some random forum and tells these secrets to us. Imagine if his best friend saw this thread! THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT SOME GUY - who's engaged to some girl - DOESN'T REALIZE THAT SOMETHING HE OUGHT TO KNOW IS BEING DISCUSSED BY RANDOM PEOPLE HE DOESN'T KNOW ON THE INTERNET!

I would kill the OP if I was that guy and I knew about this. The OP is such an ass.

It is a pretty superficial reason to get a divorce for, particulary for a religious person. Once married, you judge a person for their behavior during it. I am certain if you went to your pastor or spititual advisor and said I just found out ten years before we were married my wife was unfaithful during our engagement but has been loyal since, I want a divorce for her doing that, he would think that should be the thing to do.

It doesn't really matter what you're certain of, or what someone would advise. That's completely beside the point. Though even then, you assume a level of certainty that doesn't exist in real life. You can't simply declare "and they've been loyal since," because there's no way to know that. And plenty of reason to doubt it, if they've shown themselves willing to violate that trust before. This makes the question abstract at best.

When you learn of the infidelity, your ability to trust that person is damaged. And not being able to trust someone is a pretty darn good reason not to be married to them.

The OP might be BJ dude, but I'm not into crazy rumors or conspiracy-type-theory thingies.

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If someone wanted to divorce their wife for being unfaithful before they actually got married, but during the actual engagement or dating period... more than likely, there would be other factors at play for why the man (or woman, if it's an unfaithful man) would seek a divorce. Like maybe she hasn't been the best wife, but upon learning this new information, that finally broke the camel's back.

And you know what? That's something that might -- and probably will be the case, I suspect -- happen with this lady if she marries this guy she's currently cheating on. She'll probably be a weak wife. She might not be the best there could be. The husband could always feel this way, but there would be nothing to leave her for... until he learns about what she did in the past. You can't act like it's definitely going to be a happy marriage until she comes out about her past. It absolutely may not be. And with a woman like this -- with what we know of her character -- well, she might not be good to him.