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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Some more jokes are waiting below



VFN
Winter Calls Thy Name
Gave me a chuckle.



Ghouls, vampires, werewolves... let's party.
"Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18



I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. John, my co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker, John followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"

John replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"



one day a man who belived a lot in god and prayed daily was told that his town was to be evacuated due to floods .he refused to go with the people who came to take him saying that god will protect him.

as the water level rose the people came in a boat to take him. but he refused to go citing the same reason.

as the water level rose a helicopter came to take him but he refused for same reasons.

soon he drowned.in heaven he asked god why god had not saved him.

god said,''first i sent your friends to save you. then a boat . then a helicopter. if you are not going to take the chances i give you in life, how can you be saved?''



We've gone on holiday by mistake
2/10
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A True Love Story! - Joke

This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "Can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."



Drugs For Husbands! - Joke

New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...

ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...

SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...

SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...

WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...

SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...

FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by...



Patient's Dilemma!

A woman called up the hospital and said,

"I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"

The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!



All in the Name!

A guy walk into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!"

So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house."

So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.

Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"

And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't' have a dad."

So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"

So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, 'My name's not Bill.'



Here is a simple easy to remember one.


What do you call a mushroom who walks into a bar and orders everyone a drink?

A Fungi.
__________________
I came here to do two things, drink some beer and kick some ass, looks like we are almost outta beer - Dazed and Confused

101 Favorite Movies (2019)



My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.'
'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'



Cautionary notices on packaging is good source of humour, here are ten of our best examples.
  1. Suitable for outdoor use. Found on a rain gauge.
  2. For use by trained personnel only. On a can of air freshener.
  3. Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. On a box of rat poison.
  4. Warning: High in sodium. On a salt cellar.
  5. Remove the plastic wrapper. The instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn.
  6. Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone. On a box of pills.
  7. Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
  8. Use like regular soap. On a bar of soap.
  9. This product is not to be used in bathrooms. On a bathroom heater.
  10. Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants. On a bag of cat biscuits.



A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.



1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.



A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."



F*** it!!!! I'm not here often enough to change it
There we go. How about we make one thread about jokes, instead of a thread for every joke you know and want to post!?! That is too much clutter!



[*]Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone. On a box of pills.
This isn't a cautionary notice and it isn't funny.

Not all medications have the same dosage. So yes, absolutely a "box of pills" is going to contain instructions informing the patient how many pills to take and how frequently to take them.



Funny Husband & Lawyer Joke
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," replies the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," replies the defendant.

"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"

"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"