Sooo...I'm Transgender!!

Well, the head of HR and my manager are now in the know, too. And I must say that it has gone INCREDIBLY better at this job than it did at my last one. Absolutely amazing where I work right now. I feel safe, and that's a really big deal for me when it comes to my work.

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"This is that human freedom, which all boast that they possess, and which consists solely in the fact, that men are conscious of their own desire, but are ignorant of the causes whereby that desire has been determined." -Baruch Spinoza

Yep. Pretty close. I'm a bit older and fatter, so mine's a bit more butch. I was kind of trying to go for an early 20th century or WWII feel.



Not me, obviously but this was the cut I was kind of shooting for.

I swear it's helped me out with traffic tickets because the modern version is a popular cut with the cops - so they think I'm either one of them, or that I support them, or that I'm former military.

How do you know that the biological male body in which you were born doesn't represent your true gender? Would you say that there is a clear distinction between biological self and the social construct of gender? If so, what is the direct correlation between the social construct and your body? What I mean is that I'm curious to understand the taught process that happened in your head when you knew that the body in which you were born didn't equate to the one that suited you.

Btw I totally approve of people changing sex, I don't mind at all, I just philosophically question myself as to the nature of this sort of intern dualism.

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I do not speak english perfectly so expect some mistakes here and there in my messages

Well, first things first, this is all in hindsight. Before now I just had a feeling something was off with me but never knew what it was or how to describe it. Then trans issues got big in the media and I started doing research and things just clicked.

The number one reason why I know is because whenever I spent time with boys as a kid/teenager I always felt isolated and when I acted like them to "belong" (ball busting and rough housing) I felt intensely uncomfortable and uneasy. I mean, at times I was physically ill from "behaving" like a guy.

As far as taught process, go read some Deleuze and you'll understand how my mind works. Basically, my self is just a construct of connections (physical and social) that I have amassed over my life: the difficult part about this is that I have a large quantity of connections that do not jive, and I have yet another large quantity of connections that I have suppressed (physical and social) my entire life. This makes navigating or finding myself to be even more complicated and confusing than it was when I first started down this road. Hopefully it gets easier.

And as far as genitals go...both sexes are made from the same collection of parts but just configured differently, so I have become much more aware of my gender dysphoria in this regard because what I see and what I feel do not make a "connection". Now that I know all this it has gotten much worse: to the point where I am highly considering the "full fix" now.

John of course I wish all the best. But I do have a few questions and suggestions before you go all the way with surgery.

Have you talked to more than just one counselor about this? One person might have a totally different take on why you feel the way you do. It can't hurt to talk to other people. In fact if you get all sorts of different positive and negative advice, and still in the long run feel like your decision is correct, then at least you know you made the right one.

But if you are at all uncertain about such a decision, wait...I mean you're still young and you have plenty of time to get to know yourself.

Has anybody explored the different possibilities for you feeling the way you do. There could be more than just one answer.

And seeing how you made this public I hope you don't mind if I ask you, are you currently a gay male? a hetro male? A bi male? What will you preference for a mate be after the sex change?

Have you lived as a female (dressed for extended periods of time)? Gone out in public as a female?

You don't have to answer any of those questions if you don't want to.

I've seen 4 therapists over the past 2 years. One was a power hungry witch who did very little to help me and, quite frankly, took advantage of my trust. I've lost a couple friends that I've had for years. Believe me, I've had quite a bit of opposition but I've decided it's just time to dig my feet in deeper.

No, I don't have plenty of time. I have much less time than you think. My body's physical changes over the past 2 years have been tantamount to torture.

I'd rather not talk about that because it gets away from the actual problem: my gender. Sexuality and gender are diverse but don't exactly correlate.

I've gone out in public dressed as a female, yes. But can you tell me...how does a female dress when they go out in public? If you see a woman in pants do you critique her womanliness?

This is exactly what I was about to ask. I mean, the last time I talked directly to you, you were showing how buff you got your chest and body, doing all that body building. The before and after pictures. You also had a new girlfriend that you had pictures with. You do have plenty of time to work this out. Just be careful how fast you jump at this, son. You are still a youngster.

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I can respect those boundaries. Can I ask if any of your therapist explored that question with you.

Good point and I was going to make that same point to you, that a female isn't just high heels and lipstick. Plenty of woman more or less wear what guys do. So dressing as a woman doesn't mean a male is meant to be a female. And it sounds like you considered that point, which is good for you.

I know you started this thread to talk about the subject, maybe it would be helpful to you, if you told us more about the whys and hows, and you can even ask us questions. I'm no expert, I've seen a few documentaries on TV. Did you read the thread by Sexy Celebrity about transgender? I think it might have been called Transgender Nation? I know there was a lot of joking in there, but you might gleam some insight from what was said.

Have you attended group sessions for transgenders, like the GLBT groups? It might useful to talk to others in your situation and see what you have in common with them and what you don't.

Now I'm confused. What physical changes have you been going through that are torturous, John? And how are they limiting your time?


Just commenting on some of your past posts - I felt similar as a kid: I didn't fit in with boys (I didn't like sports, I wasn't aggressive, etc.) I desperately wanted to be friends with the girls, but none of them liked me either.

Growing older, women I've been with tell me I have a dominant female side (or inner female) or that I'm just very in touch with my female side. I can understand this as I don't engage in trying to impress (in a machismo fashion), I'm sensitive, creative. I have very female-like emotions (but have spent a lot of time controlling, channelling & compartmentalizing them - a typically male practice).

So females think I'm internally female while almost all gay guys I've met have said they think I'm gay. Remarkably, very few straight men have ever said I seem female or gay to them. Maybe I'm just a "Zelig" (an adaptive chameleon) or a mirror-person whom others see themselves in?

I was overcompensating mainly to convince myself: it didn't work.

Yup, and just about everyone else I've told in my life: "so do you like girls or guys?" I've heard that a lot.

I've started growing hairs on my chest and my body odor has become more pronounced: it's very unsettling to me. While some things will be reversible the longer I have testosterone giving me secondary sex traits the more things that won't change back or change as much/easily.


Yeah, same here. Question is how did all of that make you feel internally? I'm willing to bet that you and I have had considerable differences in our internal thoughts even though it sounds like our childhood desires/connections were fairly similar.

Well, I guess at puberty I discovered I desired girls as more than just friends. I never had problems with owning male parts - in fact I found them quite utilitarian (if you're in the woods or driving in a rural area you can pee just about anywhere!)

As a child I may have fantasized about being a girl only because I might be invited into their society on the playground if I shared their gender. But I also knew that, despite my gender, I was still me - and if I was a male who didn't fit in with all the other boys, then it was possible that even if I was a girl I wouldn't fit in with them either.

So, even though I seemed to have some problems with male culture & social norms growing up, I didn't have a problem being male myself, except that I didn't fit in with the activities and expected roles of my gender. For that matter, I didn't fit in with females either - I was shy, scared & introverted and that made me an outcast. I didn't discover any feeling of belonging to a social group until I started working in my late teens.

It seems my problems growing up were more social-based rather than any confusion or discomfort with my biology.

And I discovered that I desired guys as more than just friends but didn't feel like I was a gay male. I was OK with liking guys but not OK with being a guy. Again, this is purely hindsight.

And I looked at girls and felt jealous: the ponytails, the earrings, the dresses, and etc. I was jealous they got to act and dress the way they did without anyone telling them it wasn't appropriate.

Interesting.

Here's my concern, John... and I hope this doesn't sound harsh... but you can't really know what it's like to be something else until you actually are. The problem is, with gender, there's no going back.

I don't want to make such a rudimentary comparison as comparing it to a job, but just to illustrate the concept - many people have felt if they could just get this job... if they could just become a (fill in the blank) then they'd finally feel complete. So they quit their old job and finally get the job as a whatever. Then they discover that their idea of being a whatever was nothing like the reality of it. Their concept of how they'd feel once they stopped being what they were and became what they dreamed of was a false one - because they couldn't know what it was like to be what they wanted to be until they actually were that thing, and sometimes the realization that their ideal didn't match the reality came too late. This concept could be applied to a lot of things in life - it's really a matter of weighing the risks.

Of course, there's plenty of stories were the reverse is true too - where the risk paid off.

But this is why some here are advising taking time and using caution entering into an irreversible decision.

There's also the issue of surgery to get rid of healthy, working parts. There is risk. And the worst part is there is no going back if you discover that a drastic physical dismemberment does not change all the ways you feel inside, or adds a whole bunch of new feelings (physical, mental or emotional) that you weren't expecting.

This is a silly parable, but I have this one tooth in the back of my mouth that the dentist is always trying to talk me into getting rid of. I call it "Frankentooth" because it's horrible looking and has so many different fillings. But I've told the dentist my philosophy: the tooth doesn't hurt, it chews food and if it's no threat to my health, then I'm not going to remove any body part until or unless it becomes a problem.

I've considered Lasik surgery, but for me, the risk of my eyesight worsening or being blind is just too great when weighed against the inconvenience of wearing glasses. Maybe someday, if I gain more faith in the process I might reconsider.

Surgery is a couple years down the road. Hormones is first order of business and that's going to be the real reveal. If after a couple weeks I feel better then I think it's obvious that there's something to my feelings of self. Wouldn't you agree?

John forgive me if I'm not reading you correctly...but it sounds like you're saying you have low self esteem issues and that a sex change will correct that for you.

This is supposition as I don't know you, but bare with me:

Many people feel bad about themselves with low self esteem & self image issues. Like Captain's job allegory, there are people who've been driven to become famous actors & performers in the mistaken belief that once they achieve their dream, their self image issues will vanish and they will be healed.

Consider this, there was a young man from a poor family who never felt good about himself. He had all sorts of negative self issues that he believed would disappear, if only he could make it as a rock musician. This dream of 'being someone different' made him feel better about himself, as it gave him hope.

When he actually made it big as a musician, and had millions of dollars and adoring fans, he found he still felt the same way, with the same self doubts and the same anxieties...Only now his dream that his life would be transformed for the better by being a musician was gone. Once that dream of hope was gone he had no other way to deal with his negative self issues. So he put a shotgun in his mouth and blew the top of his head off. That's the story of Kurt Cobain of Nirvana.

John, I want you to really think about that, and think if you will truly feel better about yourself after a sex change...or are you just escaping who you are. Because even after a sex change, you will still be you.

"No matter where you go... there you are"...Buckaroo Banzai

I understand people's concerns, but I think everyone needs to remember that this is her life and her decision. McClane raises a very valid point that sexual reassignment surgery would not be the first step in the transition. Hormone replacement therapy would precede surgery and at least some of the effects of it would be reversed or diminished as the natural hormones begin to take back over should she change her mind. And even if she doesn't change her mind about transitioning, she would still have the option to change her mind about reassignment surgery since that wouldn't happen for a few years anyway.

That said, I've never experienced gender dysphoria so obviously I don't know what the best course of action should be and the answer probably varies between individuals. I think the best thing to do is to see if you can locate other trans people - perhaps a forum or other online group? - and talk to them about their experiences before proceeding with any decision.

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I think everyone who's commented does remember that. It's an interesting topic, and even more interesting when someone like John comes forward to discuss it directly & openly on a one to one basis (as opposed to a bunch of us just speculating about it).

But, as with any major, life-changing decision, people are advising John to think it through, not to make any rash, emotionally-driven decisions, and to proceed diligently and carefully to address any risks involved beforehand.

No, I'm not saying that at all.

It's not a matter of feeling better about myself: I already feel pretty great about who I am as an individual. I'm a sensitive and caring person, and I am happy with where I am as a person in my life. The problem, however, is that regardless of how I feel about myself I have physical feelings about my body that are largely unaffected by how I feel about my inner-self. Does this make sense?

Yeah, that is the plan. There is an active support community where I live for LGBT individuals. I just haven't worked up enough courage to go yet.

I appreciate all input that I get, including the "no, don't do it!" I made this thread because I'm not ashamed/embarassed about this part of me anymore, and I knew that I would possibly get a vast range of comments. All of which is helpful.

OMG, Matt/John. dude/dudette. i'm so so so happy to read how far you have come since the last time we spoke! from conversations we have had in the past, i could definitely tell you were dealing with identity and sexuality issues. i'm so so so so happy to hear you've made such strides in your life, and are willing to finally be open about it. i can only imagine what a relief that must be. also, it makes me happy that the transgender community has become more normalized to the point that a personal friend of mine felt comfortable enough to "come out" as transgender.

i wish you all happy things and love

also, we should catch up sometime

aggh i'm not crying you're crying

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