Joke Thread

Do we have one of these?

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An unemployed mechanic decides to open a clinic to make money.
The sign outside the clinic wrote "we cure everything for 50 pounds, if not cured we return you 100 pounds".
A doctor thought it was a good chance to earn 100 pounds so he goes in.

Doctor (as patient) - "Doctor I have lost my sense of taste".
Mechanic (as doctor) - "Nurse please bring potion no 22 and give this patient a spoonful"
The doctor-patient almost vomits, spits the potion and says "that's no medicine - it's machine oil".
Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations, your sense of taste has returned, 50 pounds please".

The doctor pays up and leaves most displeased but a few days later he decides to try again to get his money back.

Doctor-patient - "Doctor I have lost my memory, I can't remember a thing, please help me".
Mechanic-doctor - "Nurse please bring potion no 22 and give this patient a spoonful"
Doctor-patient - "Hey, potion 22 is the machine oil, it's not a medicine".
Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations, your memory has returned, that 'll be 50 pounds".

The doctor leaves the premises again in a state of fury but in a couple of days he decides to go again and have the last word:

Doctor-patient - "Doctor my vision is impaired, I cannot see".
Mechanic-doctor - "I am very sorry sir, I 'm afraid I can't cure this, but take these 100 pounds"
Doctor-patient - "But this is a 50 pound note you are giving me".
Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations my friend, your sight too has returned, give me 50 pounds please".

LMAO!!

Nice bump, Joel. Well needed.

A scientist finds out he has 4 days to live from a deadly virus and decides to take matters into his own hands by formulating a miracle pill that will cure him. After many hours of testing, he settles for the afternoon and decides to take a pill to chart his progress for the next day.

All of a sudden he looks at the clock and realizes he is running late for a blind date he set up before he was diagnosed. He quickly gets ready and goes to pick up his date. She is an attractive woman and he immediately feels his nerves acting up. Unfortunately, nerves is not all that seem to be acting up. All throughout the date the man feels like hell. He needs to fart. BADLY. But, he has to hold it in. The food arrives. He squirms and smiles, starting to sweat. She goes on and on about her family and friends and dreams. He smiles and sweats and squirms. Finally, the check comes and he races his date to the car. But more bad news. She wants him to meet her parents. They live right around the corner from her. He decides he cannot say no. They arrive at her parents. She does a nice introduction for her mother and he, though panicking and sweaty, obliges back with a warm smile and embrace. The girl says, my mother and I would like to talk, go into the living room and meet my father.

The man, now limping from holding his gas in, shakes the father's hand who is sitting in his la-z-boy, watching the game. The family dog comes over to him and licks his hand.

"Sit down, guy. Watch the game for a few!" - says the dad.

"Oh, that's OK, sir. I've been sitting all night. I can stand, it's no problem."

The dad politely nods and turns away towards the tv set.

puuuuuuurp!

"uh ok", the man thinks. "I just let a small one out. Hope no one notices."

The man becomes desperate, rocking back and forth, standing across the room from the father and without warning, another quiet but steady fart emerges.

voooooooPP.

The dog continues to lick the man's hand, wagging his tail.

The man farts again, louder - BRROOOP!!

"Fido, get over here!"shouts the father.

All of a sudden, a machine gun fart erupts.."brop brp rbrp rbrp poot!"

"FIDO, get over here!" shouts the father again.

The man starts to realize that the father thinks the DOG is farting.

Well Ok then. Let's get the gas out.

"FART, POOT, POO, WIZZZ, BRRRAAAPPPP, VOOOOOOOMP, EEEEEEEYYYYWWWWWWWERTT!"


The father shouts at the top of his lungs so loudly, that it reverberates a short delay all the way into the kitchen.."FIDO!! GET OVER HERE BEFORE THAT MAN SH!TS ON YOU!!!"

Two guys walk into a bar.
...


Seriously? You would think the second guy would have just walked around it after seeing the first guy walk into it.


o.O

Not jokes as such but insanely hilarious. Stupid sht said in court, and I can vouch I've heard it all. You could not make this stuff up.

https://scontent.fmel1-1.fna.fbcdn.n...ca&oe=59DDA361

Distant foghorn sound..........................................

Um...hmm. What...the...*****?

Annnd, now for a dirty one. . .

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

__________________
What I actually said to win MovieGal's heart:
- I might not be a real King of Kinkiness, but I make good pancakes

~Mr Minio

A guy was walking past a pub when he saw a sign outside PIES £1.00. W****£5.00. Wow, he thought, and couldn't get into the pub quick enough, he went straight to the bar and saw a busty barmaid, hey luv, he said to get her attention, so she came over, what you after honey, she said, licking her bright red lips, is that sign outside right, yes, she said, he couldn't believe his luck, and are you the woman doing the w****,oh yes, she said, i do those, well then,he said, could you wash ya f****** hands then cos i wanna pie!!

Elton John woke up one morning covered in c***, David, he shouted, waking up his husband, will you stop w****** while i'm asleep, sorry Elt, replied David sheepishly, the next morning Elton John woke up covered in it again, David, he shouted, i told you to stop w****** while i'm asleep, i didn't w*** , replied David, i farted!

hahhaha GAH
sooooo hard to read that from a Minnie Mouse avatar!
i feel so confused now!

LOVE the one about the pies!!

My late husband was a truck driver, he told me loads of jokes that he heard on the road

A scouser walked into a bar and got chatting to a woman, she's sexy, he thought and bought her a few drinks, as the nite wore on they were getting really close, fancy coming back to my place, she whispered in his ear, yeah luv i do, he replied, so they finished their drinks and headed for the door, i'll give you a ****job, she whispered, oh hang on luv, he said, any kind of job will affect my benefits!

Two 'tadpoles ' were having a race to see who could fertilise the egg first, one 'tadpole ' went straight there and won, what took ya, he asked the other 'tadpole', i've been here for ages, i know you have, came the reply, but i went the long way past the tonsils!

That is sooooo funny! 😆

I'll keep 'em clean now! . Two guys were walking along a street when one suddenly disappeared down a manhole, hey mate are ya ok, the guy at the top shouted down to his friend, i'm ok mate, his friend shouted back, is it dark down there, he shouted back, i don't know mate,came the reply, i can't see!

What does Madonna have in common with a British single mother.... Both live on estates, have kids to different fellas and wear trackies!

What do you call a female scouser in a white tracksuit.... The bride!