Where's That Crazy Ami Scythe?

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Ami-Scythe's Avatar
A bucket of anxiety
I'm sure not too many of you are wondering where the highly argumentative YouTube critic, Ami Scythe went. But to the few who may or may not have been curious, I've been...through it. I've lost three loved ones in a span of 7 months. I've gone temporarily insane during lock-down to the point I threatened the life of who I love most and got myself hospitalized. And I've been watching everything I've always cherished that has molded me into who I am slowly burn and die. While all of this has taken a great toll on me I seemed to have been able to pull myself from the rubble and keep moving forward. This isn't without the help of the wonderful hospital staff at Allegheny County, my new therapist, medicine and the incredible undying love of my husband but as I have been trying to start a new chapter by creating new ideas and legitimizing them by starting an actual film producing business...I find myself just not having the same drive I had 6 years ago (though it feels like 10). Even when I was working on Bad Acting, which is still in progress, it didn't feel the same way it did when I was animating with MS Paint and Windows 7 Movie Maker in high school.
I always say I've never finished a project but I remember at least finishing animated videos when I was in school. My mom, grandma and brother bothered me all day so I had to stay up until 3am to finish anything...but I did finish them. I wrote, sang and composed songs, I wrote stories, I made funny videos, I drew countless pictures, logos and comic books, I made wildly unique school projects that were crafted, animated or improvised and I still had time for late night online karaoke and anime filled sleep overs with my friends.
Now I'm just an overly nervous insomniac who will use almost any excuse to stay indoors and/or in bed. My stomach turns at the idea of working on anything for more than an hour that isn't cleaning or watching the same three channels on YouTube. I only have random bursts of wanting to get creative but then I quickly get overwhelmed with how much needs to be done so I retreat and continue to procrastinate.
You could say that it's all this chaos going on and that's true to some extent, but as of late things have been getting a lot better. Cutting toxic people out of my life, even though it's family has proved to be better for me. My medicine is working perfectly on my mental condition. I've been cutting my internet time down to keep from stressing about what's going on in the world which has also been helping my insomnia. My father, though I'm devastated that he's gone has blessed us with his car so opportunities have opened up for me and my husband including the ability to return to our favorite job and I just adopted a sweet service kitten who has brightened up our lives in just a day. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. In high school, I did all of that work with untreated depression and anxiety in unspeakable living conditions. Today, the road to my dreams are almost a straight shot so why haven't I gone for it?
Well I've been thinking it over, drawing or coloring on and off to try and put some pep back into my step. I've been working at this desired film career to help and inspire others. It's always been my dream to bring the world together through my art. I want to grow my business and save artists from slaving away at soulless projects for an insulting amount of pay, get accountants who fudge the books in favor of corporations out of their seats, give unfamiliar faces a chance to share their talent with the world and show everyone or at least as many as I could how to love one another and themselves again, and show them that it's okay to be imperfect. Back in school, I did it to impress my friends, I wanted to make them laugh. That was worth a lifetime of sleepless nights.
Now I'm older. My friends and I have gone our separate ways. We still talk and every once in a while but I don't really get to see them. When I post stuff online, a like just isn't the same as audible laughter. The friends I have now are always at work and while I love my husband dearly, he's easy to entertain and agrees with me often which gets dull after a while. So my focus shifted over to making strangers on the internet happy and I started to get frustrated because I couldn't get that "instant satisfaction" I got with everything else, like typing, liking or searching. I couldn't get that audible laugh, or even a positive review.
Then I became angry. I was angry at the system. The popularity system. To be popular you have to be trendy and I hate most trends (especially woke culture). I got angry to the point I told myself that I didn't care about getting popular or getting views or likes, I just wanted money, money so I can do whatever I want. "If I'm rich I can be good and wholesome and ****." I focused only on business. Selling goodies or services anything to gain power. Eventually I just became an angry person, the Ami Scythe you met, screaming at the top of her lungs to not just be heard but understood. All the constant isolation and lack of human contact aside from internet interactions made me conceded and made me feel like I'm the only person who knew anything about anything. First it was just movies, then it was COPPA, then it was woke culture, then it was the virus, then it was the police....
I realized that I have been so angry and desperate to make a change for the better that it quickly became a goal, a deadline, a task. It was more about getting it done and proving everyone wrong, taking over the world and less about how fun it was going to be and great of a time everyone was going to have. I started working without love, thought or passion.
So I've been away and well...I'm going to continue to be away. The only way I'm ever going to get my old drive back is if I get the splinter out of my own eye before trying to get the log out of others. I'm going to work to make myself and my husband happy and healthy. I'm taking a break from watching new movies because these days they just rile me up. I need to reel it back and relearn what it's like to just enjoy what I do, maybe get to know the neighbors and draw comic books for them. Only then will I go back to doing business and making films, but this time, genuinely.
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Ami-Scythe



Sorry to hear that. Tough times, sometimes it's just one thing too many for some of us.

Also...Allegheny County? Had no idea you were in Pittsburgh. I live in Braddock.



Glad to hear you're looking after yourself now and have gotten help. Understanding you and what you need is the most important part of recovery as I'm sure you know or are learning. Keep it in mind when you're starting to beat up on yourself again.
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5-time MoFo Award winner.