Mentally ill MoFos

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I don't suffer from any illnesses as far as I know, but I did have a depression a while back. It was a horrible time and I have had a few short fallbacks but not to the same degree as it once was. I'm starting to feel like I have more or less overcome it by now. But then again, things like that will always lurk right under the surface; or at least that's how it sometimes feels.



I wish I had something. If there's one group of people I envy, it's the mentals. It's a built-in excuse to get away with doing the wrong thing.
Why do you want to do the wrong thing?

You're not necessarily wrong, if I'm having symptoms I've noticed people will be lenient with me, but - at least with what I have - you don't want it. Trust me. I'd give anything not to have to deal with this bullsh*t. It's not fun. I feel like some people romanticize it when really it's pretty much all shite.



I though you said you had aspengers?
No, schizophrenia and social anxiety.
Swan is too hardcore for Aspergers. He has to have full blown Schizophrenia. Aspergers is kid stuff.



I've had paruresis (shy bladder) most of my life but it's never been crippling. Mostly just an inconvenience and frustration since it is a part of my body that I'm helpless to control. I would plan around it, not drink at beer pong tournaments, etc and it was no problem to go out for 6 hours without voiding.

But now with the comorbidity of my other bladder problems (interstitial cystitis, dysuria) it's the worst. Now it's a physical problem too that makes it really difficult to void. Some people become 100% reliant on catheters. But I tried one of those once, i turned white and my whole body instantly became damp and i almost threw up or passed not. Not sure which but catheters are not an answer for me.

But anyway with this physical problem now on my good days when I'm not drinking any water I can last for about 2 hours. On a bad day every 5 minutes. It's super painful to have anything in my bladder, it feels acidic, and it's completely impossible to use any public restroom since I can barely even use a private one now. It's such a mess I haven't been able to work for 2 years. Sometimes I'll wake up 18 times in a night and I can be in bed for 14 hours and still not be rested because my sleep quality is so bad. Maybe if I didn't have the paruresis too I'd be able to still live a somewhat normal life.. maybe not because of the pain and concentration issues. But this comorbidity is a kick in the balls.



Why do you want to do the wrong thing?

You're not necessarily wrong, if I'm having symptoms I've noticed people will be lenient with me, but - at least with what I have - you don't want it. Trust me. I'd give anything not to have to deal with this bullsh*t. It's not fun. I feel like some people romanticize it when really it's pretty much all shite.
I mean, I don't really think cricket has thought this through. If you had a mental illness like schizophrenia you're not just walking around completely fine and sane and then if something happens and you do something odd, you get away with it. Unless you're with other mentally ill people who understand what's going on, people won't want to be around you at all. But above all else, you have to deal with delusions, paranoia, hallucinations and voices - and those are just what are considered the "positive symptoms" - everyday. It's a lot of bullsh*t and you can feel really hopeless.

Yeah, you might get away with some stuff, but it's not like I can just do anything and people will be like "oh! It's okay! He has schizophrenia! Let's party!"



The worst thing about schizophrenia to me, is the feeling that it's entirely empty. My hallucinations, voices etc. don't MEAN anything. They just exist. They're futile. They just cause mental chaos and ruin my life.



Since people mention it, though not an illness, I would say I'm an introvert.

If people don't know what it is they should look it up, because at first I didn't want to call myself that. Then I found it that it does NOT mean you are this lonely weirdo who are afraid of everything and is mentally sick. It's more or less just an explanation for your personality and how you go about daily life and how you handle situations differently than others.

Some of the basics of it is how I don't mind being alone, I kind of like it actually, and I don't get lonely because of it either. I'm creative and like to finish my works before I present them. I like to prepare what I say or do sometimes, because I want them to be done right. I like being out and socializing, but I often need to "recover" from such things by being alone and in a calm place afterwards. If I'm too much out between a lot of people, noises, things I tend to get grumpy or tired. But I love a fun night with friends and usually I'm the one speaking the loudest, cracking the most jokes and talking like there's no tomorrow.

All of these things are usually a sign of being introverted and some of what I say here and some of which I know contradicts with the fact that I should have anything like a social anxiety or something like that. I'm pretty sure I'm just introverted, not to say that this can't be a challenge in itself and not to say that it is on a daily basis. But I'm happy to say that I am since that helps me understand myself and know that I'm perfectly normal and that there's plenty of people like me.



Why do you want to do the wrong thing?

You're not necessarily wrong, if I'm having symptoms I've noticed people will be lenient with me, but - at least with what I have - you don't want it. Trust me. I'd give anything not to have to deal with this bullsh*t. It's not fun. I feel like some people romanticize it when really it's pretty much all shite.
I was being silly. I have a lot of sympathy for you maniacs.



The worst thing about schizophrenia to me, is the feeling that it's entirely empty. My hallucinations, voices etc. don't MEAN anything. They just exist. They're futile. They just cause mental chaos and ruin my life.
When you're experiencing/suffering through an episode... are you really "there?" Like, are you cognizant that you're going through it? You just really do believe in your delusions?

Does it feel "real" or does it feel like a dream? They say dreams are kinda like experiencing mental illness, because in dreams, you totally believe in the dream reality, whatever it is, as if it's real.

Have you ever gone out in public having schizophrenia and done things like shouting insane stuff for everyone to hear?

I've seen a lot of ... schizo and mentally ill people in public. In fact, just the other day, a young guy walked over towards me and said something and I thought he was asking me a question -- he was asking HIMSELF a question. He then proceeded to keep asking himself questions and talking to himself, out loud. Like all the thoughts we have while thinking, but keep to ourselves... he was broadcasting them.



No problem cricket. You're my bro. I was kind of confused by your post to be honest, but it gave me a chance to ramble. Sorry for misunderstanding.



The thing isolated becomes incomprehensible
Since people mention it, though not an illness, I would say I'm an introvert.

If people don't know what it is they should look it up, because at first I didn't want to call myself that. Then I found it that it does NOT mean you are this lonely weirdo who are afraid of everything and is mentally sick. It's more or less just an explanation for your personality and how you go about daily life and how you handle situations differently than others.

Some of the basics of it is how I don't mind being alone, I kind of like it actually, and I don't get lonely because of it either. I'm creative and like to finish my works before I present them. I like to prepare what I say or do sometimes, because I want them to be done right. I like being out and socializing, but I often need to "recover" from such things by being alone and in a calm place afterwards. If I'm too much out between a lot of people, noises, things I tend to get grumpy or tired. But I love a fun night with friends and usually I'm the one speaking the loudest, cracking the most jokes and talking like there's no tomorrow.

All of these things are usually a sign of being introverted and some of what I say here and some of which I know contradicts with the fact that I should have anything like a social anxiety or something like that. I'm pretty sure I'm just introverted, not to say that this can't be a challenge in itself and not to say that it is on a daily basis. But I'm happy to say that I am since that helps me understand myself and know that I'm perfectly normal and that there's plenty of people like me.
Spooky man, you're describing me exactly!



When you're experiencing/suffering through an episode... are you really "there?" Like, are you cognizant that you're going through it? You just really do believe in your delusions?
That's a great question, because I think a big part of my recovery was simply becoming aware of my delusions. If I'm having a delusion now - as real as it feels - I can be cautious about it and analyze it. When you deal with schizophrenia, there's no trusting your brain.

Does it feel "real" or does it feel like a dream? They say dreams are kinda like experiencing mental illness, because in dreams, you totally believe in the dream reality, whatever it is, as if it's real.
That's the thing that sucks about schizophrenia. It feels completely real. It's hard to tell the difference. So it's important to flex those rational muscles. If I have some crazy delusion about something, I try to step back now and say, okay, is that really likely? Could it just be a delusion? I've found that like, 50% of my thoughts are delusions, maybe a little more or a little less. It definitely feels like an invasion of sorts, though. If I could easily tell they were fake, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But with this stuff your brain is basically telling you what you're experiencing is real. And what else do you have to go on besides your brain? Your brain is, essentially, you.

Have you ever gone out in public having schizophrenia and done things like shouting insane stuff for everyone to hear?
I haven't, really. At least not that I remember. I've always been really docile. A lot of people with schizophrenia are docile, actually. You'd be surprised. I feel like most of us have so much stuff going on in our brains that we just kind of keep to ourselves, you know?



Interesting, Swan. It sounds kinda like you randomly go from "awake mode" to "dream mode" in your brain... while totally awake.

Like, you're not asleep, but suddenly, you believe in false stuff, as if you're living in a dream.



Foster:

Your body becomes "damp?"
It may be what people refer to as "breaking out in a cold sweat" but yeah it happened the one and only time I've tried a catheter. Got really nauseous and dizzy.



one time I was walking to one of my college classes thinking to myself. Then I accidentally blurting something out loud instead of an internal dialogue. And someone was walking right behind me. I felt really awkward and embarrassed so I changed direction to try to lose the person. But then they needed to go that new way too so now I was awkward and walking in the wrong direction



one time I was walking to one of my college classes thinking to myself. Then I accidentally blurting something out loud instead of an internal dialogue. And someone was walking right behind me. I felt really awkward and embarrassed so I changed direction to try to lose the person. But then they needed to go that new way too so now I was awkward and walking in the wrong direction
Internal dialogue? Don't you mean monologue? Or do you hear voices?



I think so much of this stuff is common. Like talking out loud -- big deal. I do that sometimes. I do that sometimes while writing posts, reading posts, thinking about what to say, etc.
yeah i didn't mean that to be part of the mental illness discussion. Just a funny story that was tangentially related.



Internal dialogue? Don't you mean monologue? Or do you hear voices?
I didn't mean that story to imply any sort of mental illness, but to answer your question I don't hear voices but I am very dissociative when it comes to my thoughts.

Like most people I cannot stop thinking. If I try to meditate and clear my mind thoughts will keep coming at me. So are they really my thoughts, since I'm not trying to create them, and I don't want them.. they are a stimulus in the say way that our eyes and ears provide a stimulus. Our brain provides one too. So that's what I mean about an internal dialogue. I'll talk to myself inside my head and see what thoughts come, respond to it, wash rinse repeat.