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Hotel [2003] - Mike Figgis
With: A WHOLE BUNCH OF WELL KNOWN ACTORS WITH WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME IN THEIR HANDS
Oh man... I could go on for ages why this "gem". Really made me want to punch the dude who made it right in his mouth:
1 - Firstly, I absolutely HATE false advertisement.
I went to the theater with a girl I was dating back then, and we are both crazy for horror movies. There was this poster for Hotel in which you could read "no other movie will scare you as much since The Exorcist" and something like "The most terrifying movie experience since The Exorcist."
We agreed we HAD to watch it.
And, alas, that we did.... boy... we sure did...
2 - Pseudo-Intellectualism
You take Lynch as an example on how to do a movie about movies [example: Inland Empire] and you'll get why the man does things the way he does them.
But when you take some random guy shooting a movie about a movie crew whose sense of "movies" is to have the lead character lying on the ground for 10 whole minutes with his eyes open while the rest of the actors are just there and paying no attention to him [meanwhile the scene is in fast forward so the audience doesn't notice the actors' eyes blinking] and you keep getting the screen divided in 4 different smaller screens that show random and unimportant "story-lines" [ahah, yeah no] you are bound to yawn and roll your eyes way back into your neck.
Ok, I get it, you want to show that you belong to that new-age school of thought that has for raison d'etre that there are other ways to do movies without a big budget. Sure, that's all sweet and dandy [if it wasn't for the money you had to pay the actors].
How about a movie with an actual story to it? To much to ask?
3 - the horror... the horror....
Basically the movie goes like this:
A guy has an idea of doing a movie about the Duchess of Malfi and so he goes with his crew to a Hotel that happens to be inhabited by flesh eating vampires.
Ok...
Now, how do you know they are vampires?
Quite easily:
You turn all the lights out and shoot the movie with an Infra Red machine. If the actors open their eyes [in which their Irises will obviously shine].. IT'S A VAMPIRE!!!!!!
yes. It's that stupid.
And how do you make them turn into vampires, you may ask?
Glad you ask:
You know that dude that lied on his back for 10 minutes? There's a scene in which he is in a room, in darkness, in a bed [this scene is shot with that Infra Red camera] and a girl gets on top of him and they have "sex" [not really, because she's just lying on top of him. That's this movie's idea of "perversion"]. In the end he opens his eyes.
TA-DAAAAAAA Instant Vampire.
By now you are asking, "ok, cool. Where's the horror?"
EXACTLY!!!!!
Following up on his innovative work Timecode, which featured four stories being told in real time simultaneously, Mike Figgis returns to a modified form of his technique in this film about the tourists, the prostitutes, the tour guides, a killer, and a film crew who frequent the Hungarian Palace Hotel in Venice, Italy. A corrupt Eastern European politician and his moll are visiting the city to complete a shady business deal while Sophie is a high-priced call girl who makes an office in one of the hotel's suites. The film crew is attempting to shoot a Dogma 95 -style adaptation of John Webster's +The Duchess of Malfi only to run into one problem after another. Magic is a professional assassin with a very odd kink -- he must have sex immediately after completing a job. Quintus, who abandoned his attempts to get fame and fortune as an actor, is a tour guide with an unusual secret. And then there is maid who not only has the skeleton key to the hotel, but also a habit of snooping. This film was screened at the 2001 Toronto Film Festival.
Oh man... I could go on for ages why this "gem". Really made me want to punch the dude who made it right in his mouth:
1 - Firstly, I absolutely HATE false advertisement.
I went to the theater with a girl I was dating back then, and we are both crazy for horror movies. There was this poster for Hotel in which you could read "no other movie will scare you as much since The Exorcist" and something like "The most terrifying movie experience since The Exorcist."
We agreed we HAD to watch it.
And, alas, that we did.... boy... we sure did...
2 - Pseudo-Intellectualism
You take Lynch as an example on how to do a movie about movies [example: Inland Empire] and you'll get why the man does things the way he does them.
But when you take some random guy shooting a movie about a movie crew whose sense of "movies" is to have the lead character lying on the ground for 10 whole minutes with his eyes open while the rest of the actors are just there and paying no attention to him [meanwhile the scene is in fast forward so the audience doesn't notice the actors' eyes blinking] and you keep getting the screen divided in 4 different smaller screens that show random and unimportant "story-lines" [ahah, yeah no] you are bound to yawn and roll your eyes way back into your neck.
Ok, I get it, you want to show that you belong to that new-age school of thought that has for raison d'etre that there are other ways to do movies without a big budget. Sure, that's all sweet and dandy [if it wasn't for the money you had to pay the actors].
How about a movie with an actual story to it? To much to ask?
3 - the horror... the horror....
Basically the movie goes like this:
A guy has an idea of doing a movie about the Duchess of Malfi and so he goes with his crew to a Hotel that happens to be inhabited by flesh eating vampires.
Ok...
Now, how do you know they are vampires?
Quite easily:
You turn all the lights out and shoot the movie with an Infra Red machine. If the actors open their eyes [in which their Irises will obviously shine].. IT'S A VAMPIRE!!!!!!
yes. It's that stupid.
And how do you make them turn into vampires, you may ask?
Glad you ask:
You know that dude that lied on his back for 10 minutes? There's a scene in which he is in a room, in darkness, in a bed [this scene is shot with that Infra Red camera] and a girl gets on top of him and they have "sex" [not really, because she's just lying on top of him. That's this movie's idea of "perversion"]. In the end he opens his eyes.
TA-DAAAAAAA
Instant Vampire.By now you are asking, "ok, cool. Where's the horror?"
EXACTLY!!!!!
__________________
You're more advanced than a cockroach, have you ever tried explaining yourself to one of them?
Gothic music and a stylish visual. Just this! I'll watch again now that you mention it.
