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Star Wars Episode II:
Attack of the Clones

Sci-Fi Action Romantic Drama / English / 2002

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

Jango Fett was brought up in Zotis's What Makes A Movie Great? thread and it reminded me that Attack of the Clones was probably the most action-packed movie in the prequel trilogy. Reassessment time.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"I hate it when he does that."

I'm honestly always pretty perplexed when people consistently say Attack of the Clones is the worst of the prequel trilogy. I really don't know what convinces somebody of that when there's such obvious targets in Phantom Menace, I always sort of felt people dragged their hate out of the first movie into the second and finally relented somewhat by the time the third one rolled around.

Maybe other people have a lower tolerance for ****** romantic plotting than I do, but that doesn't seem to be the case 99% of the time and I've never seen anyone else call BS on Han and Leia's garbage romance.

Admittedly Anakin and Padme's is several times WORSE... **** me it's bad. The development, the dialog, the delivery, people complain about the visuals, but THESE are the 3 Ds you should be bitching about!

We got kissing, we got "love" thrown around heavyhandedly, Padme needlessly discredits Anakin and Anakin won't shut his whiny ****in' face even when it comes to something you should obviously keep to yourself like THE ADOLESCENT WET DREAMS you've had about a woman several years older than you? Padme says she'll "always think of him as a little boy" and yet she winds up snogging him in the end, IN FACT, her trying to satisfy a pedophillic fetish is a WAY BETTER explanation for why she gives him the time of day because it's certainly not his creepy emotional blank stare that wets her panties.

"Oooohh, you find tyranny a more effective form of government? DO ME NOW."

They also marry at the end which also ****in' gets to me. Even a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, familiar hyper-specific cultural rituals are still a thing for some ****in' reason (not unlike kissing, but let's move on already).


Alas, that's my biggest complaint about the whole movie. ALL OF THAT. It sucks. I just tune the **** out during those parts and they're prevalent throughout the movie so it's a definite problem.

BESIDES THAT, Attack of the Clones is quite frankly my favorite of the prequel trilogy.



I remember it for it's numerous varied action sequences cool new additions to the lore. I mean, where do I start?

We begin with an awesome speeder chase through Coruscant,

We see a MUCH more attractive CG Yoda,

We visit Kamino and meet Jango Fett,

We get a Jango Fett fight,

Followed by a Jango Fett dogfight,

Anakin goes to Tatooine and the movie just sort of dies... for a few minutes... so we can set up some reincorporation with New Hope...

BUT THEN we go to Geonosis and we meet Christopher Lee playing Darth Tyranus who's later revealed to both master to Qui-Gon Jinn and apprentice to YODA so HOLY ****, we got the whole family tree of Jedi training here where of Yoda > Dooku > Qui-Gon > Obi-Wan > Anakin > Starkiller (well that's getting into the video games, but whatever), that's cool!

We get a fight/chase through a droid manufacturing plant which sets up some fun R2-D2/C-3PO moments,

Everyone gets captured which leads to the coliseum where Obi-Wan, Padme, and Anakin showdown with their own unique beasts (my favorite is the Nexu),

Then that turns into a giant Jedi battle,

Then THAT turns into a giant Clones vs. Droids battle,

Then THAT turns into a 2v1 showdown with Count Dooku, which, admittedly, isn't nearly as good as the 2v1 fight against Darth Maul,

BUT THEN THAT, gives us our first Yoda saberfight before finally teasing Darth Sidious!


Come ON, how can you guys hate this movie more than the rest? It's fun.

Yeah, it's largely CG and the romantic subplot won't stay the hell away, but you know, the CG was pretty ****in' good for the most part, it didn't feel as greenscreeny as it could've.

One thing it sure made me think of was how much more I like Watto over Maz.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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__________________
Movie Reviews | Anime Reviews
Top 100 Action Movie Countdown (2015): List | Thread
"Well, at least your intentions behind the UTTERLY DEVASTATING FAULTS IN YOUR LOGIC are good." - Captain Steel





Rambo: First Blood
Action / English / 1982

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

I've never actually seen a Rambo movie, time to correct that.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"Let it go."

Dogs, Rats, Boar, especially the boar...

Knowing jack-all about Rambo I was surprised to find out this WASN'T a 'Nam movie. I thought it was all gonna be Stallone gunning down goons by the dozens like in Commando or something, but no, it's just a post-Vietnam vet getting discriminated against and ****ed over by the local cop with the biggest stick up his ass.

My first issue is simply how long it takes Rambo get sick of the police's ********. He later says all he wanted was some food, but they run him out of town, arrest him when he comes back, accuse him of inapplicable crimes, physically abuse him, and when they try to shave him this really forced PTSD trip kicks in and he just punches out everyone in the police station before stealing some poor guy's motorcycle and escaping out into the woods.

"There's no way out of here except through us."

Yeah, and the other 359 degrees besides, ****in' genius.

What's Rambo's problem? He just drags his heels like a petulant child through the entire process and it's when the police inexplicably want to SHAVE HIM (what!?) that he finally retaliates, not JUST against those who wronged him, but an innocent pedestrian too?

They **** about in the woods for a good portion of the movie where he's responsible for killing 3 attack dogs, directly injuring nearly every police officer, and indirectly killing one who was trying to shoot him.

How exactly would they have rationalized that on their police report?

"Well you see, the guy was loitering, we arrested him, he punched me and ran away, so I shot him off a cliff."

I don't think a motorcycle theft would have justified that one.

While they're dragging in a trigger-happy army of idiot officers to solve their little crime problem with a ROCKET LAUNCHER-

You know, I don't think I've seen cops this stupid since Silver Streak.



-in suddenly comes this new Colonel character who I'm gonna call "Kernel", because I don't remember his name, English is a stupid language, and Colonel is a word invented by somebody with brain damage.

Kernel seems to exist for literally no other reason than to suck Rambo's massive American dick. Over 80% of his dialog is trumpeting how BADASS he is, how the police HAVE NO CHANCE against him, about how THIS IS A WAR NOW, and THEY ARE GOING TO DIE.

Let's see how much of this I can leech off of iMDB:

You're going to die, Teasle.
You're lucky to be breathing.
You picked the wrong man to push.
You're ******* lucky he didn't kill all of you.
Only God knows what damage he's prepared to do.
I'm just amazed he allowed any of your posse to live.
You send that many, don't forget one thing. A good supply of body bags.
Now why don't you forget what you're thinking and clear out while you can?
I don't think you understand. I didn't come to rescue Rambo from you. I came here to rescue you from him.
That boy's a heart attack! He may be the best the Special Forces ever trained. Anything you're gonna throw at him, he's been through a hundred times worse! In WORSE places than this!
You don't seem to want to accept the fact you're dealing with an expert in guerrilla warfare, with a man who's the best, with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man who's been trained to ignore pain, ignore weather, to live off the land, to eat things that would make a billy goat puke. In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel. To kill! Period! Win by attrition. Well Rambo was the best.
Naturally Sheriff ********'s too stubborn to relent and Rambo escapes the woods into town where his legitimate crimes escalate from motorcycle theft to...

shooting up a storefront,

destroying multiple civilian vehicles,

killing the power grid in over half the town,

blowing up a gun shop,

blowing up a GAS STATION, you know, by this point after he's already calmly articulated what began the whole conflict, you can't really blame this all on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's a load of ****.

So when it came down to the end I was all ready to give this movie a big fat [Meh...], BUT when Kernel walks in and orders him down, Stallone totally breaks his stoneface demeanor and gives an emotional monologue about how he risked his life for all these things in the war and how there they trusted him with multi-million dollar equipment and here they won't even trust him with a job, accusing him of babykilling and reminding him of his friend whose legs got blown off.


Well... ****, dude... I'm sorry. You must be REALLY ****IN' MAD.

It just drives home how this was NOT the guy to **** with. Seems like somebody else doesn't know how to "let it go".

I'm glad they explain that he's intentionally lashing out and not just lumping it all on PTSD, that would've been a really easy cop-out and I'd have definitely rated it lower without that scene. The performance is good enough that I feel I can buy that he's just been repressing his feelings this whole time. Good on ya, movie, good job.

There wouldn't be no trouble except for that king-**** pig-killing scene! All I wanted was a likable protagonist, but the movie kept pushing! They drew first blood, NOT ME.

THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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Fist of Legend
Martial Arts Action / Chinese / 1994

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

Jet Li (Fists Of Legend)
Jet Li is the man! Seeing Fists Of Legend is a must for any Jet Li fan.
The greatest martial arts movie ever made must have the greatest martial artist in all of movies. His names Jet Li, and the film is Fist Of Legend.

This is not a matter of opinion.
Fist Of Legend with Jet Li
....it was just the best martial arts movie ever made.
its the most badass fight scene ever in a martial arts movie

Fists Of Legend
Jet Li - Fist Of Legend. Best kung fu movie ever made. Ever.
Havent seen it, but will now. Better than Fist Of Legend?! Whoa there...

Just watching this movie one time is like like eating only one french fry from your bag.
What? You get that Fist Of Legend torrent going right this instant!
I want to physically grab you and make you watch this lol! Drunken Master didnt have better martial arts than FOL imo.
Well Ill tell you I was under the belief that Bruce Lee was the fastest martial artist ever until I saw Jet Li for the first time in Fist Of Legend. The actings crap, the story barely treads water, but no martial arts movie made an impact on me like FOL did.
Oh Ominiz..........

JESUS, ALLAH, AND BUDDHA!!

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"Brutality is not the way to win a battle."

Did you SEE the other guy?

Horses and Marriage.

Alright, let's take a couple of these quotes and address them:

Better than House of Flying Daggers? Hell yes. No contest.

Fastest martial artist ever? This movie opens up with the most obvious speed ramping I've ever seen.

Best kung fu movie ever made? Hardly, and ironically Jet Li even frequently eschews traditional kung fu for Bruce Lee's Jeet Kuno Do which is specifically referenced IN THE MOVIE.

Finally, the suggestion that "the actings crap, the story barely treads water," I must honestly disagree with. The acting's nowhere near what I would expect to find in a Japanese action movie and I would actually contend that the story is decent.

Not EXCEPTIONAL in any way, but decent, which IS EXCEPTIONAL because most of these stories are total crap.

The plot dabbles in ethnic tensions without devolving into full-blown racism like in Shaolin Challenges Ninja, but this is a Jet Li movie. We're not here to see Jet Li ACT, and to be honest that's my biggest complaint about the guy, he doesn't have the charisma of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Donnie Yen, or even the intensity of Tony Jaa, he's always just there with the same bemused expression on his face.

The best thing the plot here can do is rationalize the fights without dragging them down, and it does. It's brisk, it keeps a tight pace, the fights come at a consistent clip. Besides mercifully light romance which is never firmly established I've got no complaints as to where the story's involved so long as you aren't the kind of person who questions how the highest ranking officer in the military is also conveniently the most powerful martial artist in his country. And I'm not. This is Martial Arts Land. Unless you're comedy relief or a woman, you know kung fu.

Reminds me... I gotta get around to Yes, Madam...



Anyway, other than some mild speed-ramping early on and a couple brief moments of rubber weapons, the fighting overall is pretty good. A lot of attention is paid to transitioning and for Rule of Cool's sake the movie's not afraid to drop kick people clear across rooms and through walls. They like their impact sounds and breakaway glass like the best of 'em.

Nothing about it really blows me away, again there's no Bruce Lee here to push the fights into yowling absurdity or JC to introduce some Improvised Weapon Proficiency, but there's a little splash of variety here and there and one noteworthy blindfold fight which was fun too.

I'd contend that it's best still pales next to the best offered by the likes of Drunken Master 2, by a fairly wide margin, but overall I DEFINITELY think it's a better movie.

All around I'd say it's solid martial arts movie, good stuff. It's rare enough I can say that.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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Casshern
Sci-Fi Superhero Drama / Japanese / 2004

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

This is probably one of my oldest watchlist items which I just keep procrastinating on. It's a 2 and a half hour live-action steampunk-ish (not really) adaption of a what looks like a cheesy anime. I'm SO not looking forward to this.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"We're not just here to exist, but to have the strength to co-exist."

Mice, Fish, Lobster, Dog, Kissing, Marriage.



Considering it's hyper-stylized visuals, I have one prevailing thought after having watched this movie:

**** AVALON.

There's no... *laugh* the THOUGHT that Avalon could be better than is is... horrid, wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. This is a GOOD MOVIE and ~UGH!~ no one's gonna believe me!

It goes overboard with the visual filters, it's plastered in too-low-texture CG which make some pretty bum composition shots, and honestly the anime superhero thing doesn't do it much of any favors at all, this isn't an action movie, it's a drama, and as a drama it's fricken'... WORTH THE EFFORT, it's GOOD!

The first 40 minutes of pure setup in this movie are just great. It's this grandiose operatic tale about a family driven apart by war. The father, who works in medicine, detests war and resents his son for going. We have this excellent scene in which his wife, whose blindness he hopes to cure, greets her son having returned from battle only moments before a military official shows up to inform her he actually died in the field.

Around the same time a freak occurrence twists the father's regenerative cell research into undead and when the military, who were the only ones to okay his research, try to gun them down, they're forced to escape and the leader among them swears vengeance upon humanity for their callous disregard for life. Almost the entire sequence of their escape is an epic montage of their unspoken trek out into nowhere as the wounded and underdeveloped among them die along the way, a mother is forced to bury her baby, there's roaring at the sky, it's just a very emotional journey for these characters we know nothing about all up until our main guy takes up a throne in a fortress and says "We live!" before delivering a rock-solid villain speech.

These "Neo-Sapiens" raise up a robot army and wage war on the world while our protagonist is secretly revived using a similar method and preserved in armor that keeps him together.

The rest of the movie takes a step down in narrative cohesion when it actually attempts to pull off some action which is some serious mood whiplash to suddenly get all anime on us. It's brief and it ranges from crap to cool and this isn't aided by an even worse attempt to distinguish the political factions behind the ongoing war effort. There's like half a dozen guys vying for control that may be apart of one faction? Or another? Which side is the country our protagonists are in? Is it just one side? I'm not sure, but they backstab each other and I never cared.



Some DEFINITE unexplained plot points which I guess we're just expected to take as environmental plot devices like...

What's with the weird metal lightning bolt that completes the research?

Why/How does it teleport Casshern to a plot-relevant location?

What was that non-specific life-threatening fainting blindness disease his wife suffered from?

When did pollution ever get established as a danger?

What did the first two Neo-Sapiens see before they died?

Why are there suddenly souls at the end? Why do they converge on Casshern?

How do you just FIND a giant robot army? That's the one that gets me. There isn't even any throwaway line about a "nation lost to war" or anything like that, nope, it's just an intact fortress sitting in the middle of nowhere packed full of giant, obedient, self-sufficient, death robots that can be freely and easily controlled by a single unprotected person with a bone to pick.

That would REALLY bother me if it wasn't just part of the setup and not a Deus Ex Machina in the third act, that would've been major ********.

There's also this one classical backing track that I recognize because I've heard it a million times and it seriously distracted me since the rest of the movie runs on otherwise pretty good original music.

Overall the movie has a very potent anti-war theme going on, it even squeezes down on it's main character who at one point confronts himself in a hallucination for having committed terrible atrocities in the name of "duty" and "country" and "just following orders".

WARNING: "Casshern" spoilers below
This very suddenly and SHOCKINGLY shifts neatly into a sanctity-of-life theme. We've had numerous characters die left and right as the movie goes on and up till the end we pretty much put Main Guy's dad on the protagonist's bench. When it's all over and he wants to revive his wife the same way, Casshern resists because of everything it caused, WHICH I honestly don't buy, none of this can be blamed on any one person coming back to life that's a total red herring, BUT suddenly he whips out a gun and shoots his daughter and says he'll revive her too, as a means to WIN AN ARGUMENT.

*MIND BLOWN* That just so perfectly curves right back into an earlier line about what value there is to life if it can just be casually restored. All that does is uninhibit casually taking it away.



It almost all comes full circle and honestly it was a pretty emotional 2-and-a-half hour ride I strongly recommend.

As long as you can stand a lot of unnecessarily obvious CG and a couple major inciting plotholes.

If nothing else, it makes me want to watch the show which is a commendable service rendered by any adaption.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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How in the world can someone think the Raid movies are boring?



How in the world can someone think the Raid movies are boring?
If you're gonna have violence, have there be some stakes, otherwise make the violence in and of itself entertaining.



The Raid movies just skeeved me out with how hollow and gruesome they were. If I liked the story or liked the characters or saw something more inventive done with the action a la Jackie Chan or John Woo it woulda been a different story.





Indiana Jones and
The Raiders of the Lost Ark

Fantasy Action Adventure / English / 1981

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

Surely no pinnacle of "action", in my opinion, but "adventure"? No movie comes to mind quicker. It's reassessment time and I'm gonna go through the Indiana Jones trilogy and basically ruin them for you.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"It's not the years, it's the mileage."

I'm gonna come right out and get the controversy out of the way: My biggest problem with all 3 of these movies are the scenes involving non-humans. I know a lot of you don't give a **** about them, don't think about it, or probably think I'm totally up my own ass about this sort of thing, but it legitimately spoils movies for me and I don't think any series suffers more from it than the Indiana Jones series.

We got Rats, Spiders, Donkeys, Horses, Monkeys, SNAKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, and you can even hear barking in one scene so there might even be Dogs in it, I dunno, what I do know is it ****in' pains me every time I see this sort of thing in a movie. You may have even noticed I make no mention of clothes or catering which undoubtedly feed into the same issue, the thing is I'm wildly desensitized to it all by this point so it bothers me in shades of opacity. It's one thing to for a villain to exploit an animal, it's another thing for that animal to be computer generated, and it's another thing for the movie to stop, refocus the camera, or even dedicate whole lines of dialog to reminding me that they beat some poor elephant in order to act a certain way.

It's by no means a necessary part of filmmaking but my escapism is ruined any time I'm glaringly reminded of how ****in' poorly humanity treats other animals and I instantly distance myself from any viewer surrogate who rides a horse off a cliff, sits down to a chicken dinner, or sets snakes aflame en masse.



THAT'S ME. That's just how I look at these things and it's how I've always looked at these things. It's something that's affected every review of mine so far any will continue to in the future. Not gonna change it, JUST SAYIN'.


That said, I certainly recognize that Raiders is a classic movie and there's no shortage to it's nostalgia in my mind. The opening itself is a memorable send up to old adventure serials in the same way that Star Wars is (perhaps George Lucas has something to do with it?) and while you could easily pick at it for it's cheese (who designed these complicated death traps anyway?), you'd be firmly missing the point of the material.

I myself have a fondness for Dungeons & Dragons (I know, I must be winning so many fans today) so a movie all about hunting down ancient powerful relics across different lands and fighting a rival who aces me every step of the way until the showdown with a transparently evil Big Bad is right up my alley.

Indy is mostly funny and likable in his determined yet "ugh... this again?" attitude, however Token Girl lead, Marion, is well below what I would consider par.

She's certainly not the worst female lead in the series and she at least comes across as a person, but her whole "I was in love" Noodle Incident and the scenes in which she gets cheeky drunk, puts on a wedding dress, and feebly climbs all over Indy only cement her as a just-another limp-wristed female character in an action movie. The makeout scene doesn't help either. The worst, arguably, is simply how many different characters attempt to claim ownership of her.

The movie's plot itself is pretty heavily oriented around build-up and action and while it may be among the most expositional of the movies it manages to keep a strong pace all throughout which is a huge relief after seeing so many martial arts movies which just tend to die standing up between each fight scene.



We get a lot of different locations and setpieces from the temple to the tomb and the events in and around them never seem repetitive. An escape can just as quickly become a chase and a chase can just as quickly become a fight and while the fights themselves are certainly nothing to sneeze at choreographically, the scenarios change rapidly, tension is set to build, and we get some satisfying punchy sound effects to drop some weight on it.

I'm rather averse to the more gruesome and macabre aspects of the movie's visual design, but as others have said post-Crystal Skull, there's an appreciation to be had for the tangible reality of the actual props as opposed to CG. It all looks good and convincing if nothing else (though you will question how it is that dead bodies can scream).

My last point of interest here is simply the Ark of the Covenant itself, the core MacGuffin that drives the movie. I wouldn't really call it a plothole considering how much of it comes across as creative liberties, but it's certainly some interesting Fridge Logic.

Here goes:

First off, we know that the Ark melts the faces of those who open it, but why? Is it because they're Nazis? Belloq isn't a Nazi. Is it because he's not really Jewish or... Christian? How do we know that? Nazism is pretty heavily rooted in fundamentalist Christianity so it would be odd to assume the Ark takes such a specific stance against them. Maybe it can just sniff evil?

Indy tells Marion not to open her eyes and they go unaffected so it can be extrapolated that they didn't die because they didn't gaze upon "the wrath of god". But what's up with that? Just because they don't look at it they're fine? That's an awful big BLINDSPOT in it's design then, isn't it? Maybe it's because they ARE Jewish/Christian, but that's never confirmed and Indy specifically dismisses that sort of thinking at the beginning of the movie. Maybe he NOW believes which is why he's fine? Seems like a wild stretch to me.

How is it that the Ark was even intended to be hefted "before armies" if it would kill the people carrying it as shown in the picture at the beginning of the movie? Maybe their eyes are closed? The most powerful military weapon is a group of 4 guys with their eyes closed carrying around a bin with ghosts in it?

Why are there even ghosts in it? The Ark was supposed to hold the Ten Commandments, just slabs of stone, so where'd the sand and angry dead people come from?



In fact, why is the Ark even dangerous AT ALL? It's a ****IN' BOX! MEANT TO HOLD THE THEN-EQUIVALENT OF PAPER! When the hell did this simple container for holy writ become this CURSED WEAPON OF INCOMPARABLE POWER AFTER MILLENNIA!?

Imagine if this occurred nowadays and God imprinted the ten laws on fax paper and the only thing Moses had on hand was a Tupperware container.

I guess the whole "voice of God" thing kinda makes sense, but it still makes you wonder the catastrophe that could've happen had Indy actually brought it to a museum.

Overall, despite my initial malaise, I still think Raiders of the Lost Ark is a fun memorable movie.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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Indiana Jones and
The Temple of Doom

Fantasy Action Adventure / English / 1984

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

Temple of Doom was probably the movie I watched most of the original trilogy. Time to reassess and confess why it's not my favorite.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"WE are GOING to DIE!"

I have a lot of nostalgia for Temple of Doom, arguably more than any of the other movies and I'd probably attribute that to it containing some of my favorites scenes of the series. Unfortunately it also has easily the worst scenes of the series too and this makes it difficult to place what I think of it overall.

As I mentioned in Raiders, animal exploitation gets to me and it ruins good movies. I can think of no worse example than Temple of Doom which features no shortage of Shishkebabs, Chickens, Elephants, Monkeys, Lizards, Owls, SNAKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, Rhino Beetles, Roaches, Centipedes, OtherBugsIDon'TRecognize, and Crocodiles, putting even Titanic to shame (if you wonder why I haven't counted the "Giant Vampire Bats" you evidently aren't keeping up).

Of course one must not forget the baby Eels which are graphically cut out of a stuffed Boa Constrictor during the infamous dinner scene.

I ****ing hate that scene. The only other scene I can think of that reaches it's level of skeeving me out is that extreme close-up of that one dude eating in Avalon. WHY are you trying to gross-out your audience? What do you accomplish with this other than transparently painting your bad guys as such cartoons that THEY EAT MONKEY BRAINS???

I don't care if Indy goes back with a bowl of fruit after the fact and I don't care that the monkey heads were props, they still subjected live animals to this **** and in many cases killed them for the sake of these types of scenes.

I'm so far past the scenes in this movie by this point that I can't even really get upset over it anymore, it's just disgusting, horrid, vile, repulsive, ugly to think about, facemelting drek. This must've been what was really in the Ark because I can think of no more withering a concept than THIS as entertainment.



Surely the worst most foul part of any of the movies by far, but even if you don't agree with me on this particular topic, you have to admit the first 50 minutes of this movie are a struggle.

It opens up with a musical number which is baffling in and of itself, I can enjoy it for what it is but I can understand why somebody would be put off by such an intro following Raiders. This leads to a restaurant brawl and shortly leads into the iconic liferaft scene where Indy, Willy, and Short Round must bail out of an airplane full of chickens before they all explode in one of the fakest special effects you'll see in the series.

These two brief sequences make up the majority of all action in the first 50 minutes, the rest of which is bloated with exposition and worse, comedy.

Not that Indiana Jones can't be funny, but the humor centers almost entirely around Willy who makes Marion's feeble-ass character look like a goddess by comparison.

Willy is EVERY SICKENING HATEFUL female character stereotype rolled into one.

She endangers their lives, she can't defend herself for ****, her voice upticks into that annoying ear-piercing wail that makes you wanna punch her in the face, and the majority of her dialog is bitching, complaining, and whining about how SHE BROKE A NAIL, or HER ELEPHANT SMELLS, or how INDY WON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER and why would Indy want to stick his willy in Willy anyway?

Surely masturbating is a better option than having sex with an air raid siren with skin?

Maybe that dinner scene JUST REALLY GOT HIM GOIN'
NO I'M NOT LETTING THAT ****ING GO.

Fortunately, after the first 50 minutes we roll back into our comfort zone until finally the last 30 minutes roll around and this is where the movie goes from **** to awesome.

The rope bridge scene is great for a number of reasons, but when I think back to Temple of Doom I'm most reminded of the minecart scene. It's certainly entertaining on it's own, but I get the strong impression that I liked it more because I always associated it with the fond memories I have of playing Donkey Kong Country.



I loved those levels and seeing them Indiana Jonesified reminds me how much the Indiana Jones series had an influence on video games, the most obvious I can think of probably being Crash Bandicoot's boulder run stages which are also super nostalgic memories for me.

They're just really fun memorable moments to put yourself into and I know peoples' love for Indiana Jones is due in no small part to Temple of Doom.



I wish I could share their feelings, but unfortunately TOD goes far beyond what would regularly qualify for "rubbing me the wrong way" and now seeing just how much of the movie is actually spent on this really just confirms my feelings on the matter.

Temple of Doom has some fantastic scenes in the second half, but you gotta pass the dreadful first half to get there. It's not worth rewinding your VHS tape all the way.

Frankly, when it comes to that dinner scene, you crossed a line. Anything after that is damage control.


Final Verdict:
[Just... Bad]

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It's one thing to for a villain to exploit an animal, it's another thing for that animal to be computer generated, and it's another thing for the movie to stop, refocus the camera, or even dedicate whole lines of dialog to reminding me that they beat some poor elephant in order to act a certain way.

It's by no means a necessary part of filmmaking but my escapism is ruined any time I'm glaringly reminded of how ****in' poorly humanity treats other animals and I instantly distance myself from any viewer surrogate who rides a horse off a cliff, sits down to a chicken dinner, or sets snakes aflame en masse.
If you haven't already, I hope you never watch Milo and Otis (1986).

I don't want to know how many kittens died making that movie.



If you haven't already, I hope you never watch Milo and Otis (1986).
I have not.

Originally Posted by CosmicRunaway
I don't want to know how many kittens died making that movie.
Originally Posted by Wikipedia
The film was reported to have the approval of the American Humane Society, despite not having their officers present during filming.
**** those guys.


I'm reminded of Old Yeller which I never liked and Roar which stills seems like the world's most stupidity-induced suicidal attempt to make a movie. If my parent or child made Roar I would disown them.



Looking at Wikipedia, the Japanese Humane Societies who gave their blessing for the movie stated that it "shows no animals being injured or harmed". Well yes, when you cut away seconds before an animal is injured then you're technically not showing it. That doesn't make it right though.





Indiana Jones and
The Last Crusade

Fantasy Action Adventure / English / 1989

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

Back in the day when I hadn't fully come to distinguish what made a good or bad movie (hell, I thought Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog was awesome), The Last Crusade was my least favorite of the Indiana Jones movies. I watched it the least of the three and I'm not wholly sure why. It's reassessment time.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"I'm like a bad penny, I always turn up."

Rats, Chickens, Crocodiles, Lions, Goats, Camels, SNAKESSSSSSSSSSSSS, Horses which appear all throughout and worse, Seagulls which get a particularly unfortunate scene.

This time the role of Token Girl is Dr. Elsa She-Wolf-Of-The-SS Schneider and even given that she turns femme fatale halfway through she manages to better Willy while worsening Marion.

That old "I hate you which is why I'm gonna **** your brains out" deal is played to the hilt here and it's wildly unwelcome especially when Indy, once again, decides to stick his dick in crazy. WHICH INCIDENTALLY his father also did. I seriously only just got that for the first time today, it's never explicitly said, but it's implied and danced around that Indy's dad had sex with her too. All I can say is I just never really understood what they were talking about before. MAKES A WHOLE LOT MORE SENSE NOW.

Anyway yes, Dad's here this time played by Sean Connery, effectively replacing Elsa early on as Indy's sidekick for the adventure. All I can say is... great. Sean Connery's awesome and his role as Indy's conservative dad makes him a far stronger contrast than any other characters so far. I'd even say this is the funniest of the three movies.



After a short prologue which sets up Indy getting his whip and hat for the first time (which I've also been pretty [Meh...] about), the plot then reverts back in similarity to what we had in Raiders, what with a Christian relic and Nazi's and, you know... what's the deal with these relics anyway?

Now Jesus' sippy cup is all powerful now too? What, DID HE **** GOLD??? Is the first chair he sat in a rocket ship? Did the last bogey he ever picked spread a swath of desolation and waste where it landed? Was there like, one beggar who got a nip of his salad one day and from then on was known as Popeye The Sailor Man?

This also a weird logic hole in the movie because at one point it's suggested that only the true Grail will bring life and a false Grail will take it.

OKAY, well, that's kind of needless isn't it? I mean after all if you're testing people it's already been stated that "for the unrighteous, the cup of life holds everlasting damnation", so doesn't that mean that if the Nazis picked the right Grail they would still lose?

If the Nazis can never win then this test ONLY serves to test Indy, and test what? That he can pick out the grodiest lookin' mug he can find? So it's a test of faith that shows Indy AT LEAST knows that Jesus was a simple man who abhorred the rich, and this is somehow more important than his tested skills in riddles, language, and blindly stepping out into chasms which couldn't realistically fool the human eye becausethey'dhave tobedesigned totrickthe eyeatany heightordistance whichdoesn'tconsider thefactthat everyone'sadifferent heightandcan idleatdifferentd istancesandangles, BUT SO LONG AS INDY KNOWS JESUS WAS A CARPENTER, yes he has proven his worth and deserves everlasting life.

At least this time God or who-ever decided to impose some stricter measures on their random home-office supplies given ludicrous powers by imposing a range limitation on it's effectiveness. Great, so now if the Nazi's got the Holy Grail, they could... stay there. Forever.

The only thing the Grail seems to be good for is protecting the Grail.

I can tell those hundreds of years did that old knight lots of favors, he still aged long enough to be too feeble to stop a man from taking his relic and then immediately disregarding his advice and losing it down ANOTHER CHASM.



"Thanks, Indy, I'll just park my ass and wait to die now, I can see those 700 YEARS were worth my time."

"I'm sorry... well, it's safe now, isn't it?"

"In a crevice? To be crushed by tectonic shifts? Yeah, real nice."

"Look, I said I was sorry! Besides, aren't these things typically indestructible?"

"Oh yeah, sure, I was just, you know, hoping to protect it from bad people, I guess THROWING IT DOWN A HOLE JUST DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME."


In general I feel that Last Crusade is much less memorable than either Raiders or Doom given it's relatively less impressive setpieces. While it may ride backseat to Raiders, it's at least a full car length ahead of Doom managing to beat it out in terms of characters, pacing, and comedy.

It also doesn't have that dinner scene, though I could have done without Sean Connery woop-wooping a flock of seagulls directly into the whirring propeller of an oncoming fighter plane.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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Looking at Wikipedia, the Japanese Humane Societies who gave their blessing for the movie stated that it "shows no animals being injured or harmed". Well yes, when you cut away seconds before an animal is injured then you're technically not showing it. That doesn't make it right though.
The "Humane Societies" are full of hypocrites, they've been screwing up for years.





Black Butler
Fantasy Action Drama / Japanese / 2014

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

I've been wanting to see this since I discovered it. Basically it's a live-action adaption of the Black Butler manga which was sorta interesting, but I gave up (shortly after Grell's introduction), mainly because I was sick of the meandering, the talking about food, and that brutally insistent "hell of a butler" joke.

So consider me familiar, but not exactly detail vigilant. Considering that the manga couldn't keep me interested, how does the adaption fair?

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"If I took your soul now, it wouldn't be interesting."

Cats and part of a lobster.

That was AMAZING. In more ways than one. Mostly bad ways.

Okay, a quickie for the uninitiated: What is Black Butler normally?

Black Butler is basically a relatively chronological collection of espionage/mystery/investigative stories involving Ceil Phantomhive, the young prodigal and precocious orphan to an illustrious family which has long since served the unseen Queen as her secret "Watchdog" which handles her dirty work (it's set in Britain, so it's presumably a sort of Elizabethan Queen). Ceil, prior to the events of the series makes a Faustian Bargain with the demon, Sebastian, to serve him as a means to achieve his goal of revenge, which is implied to be against those who killed his parents. The "contract" is visible in Ceil's eye which he routinely conceals with an eyepatch. Sebastian serves as his formal butler (the Black Butler) and informal bodyguard, essentially waiting for Ceil to die to claim his soul.

As the series goes on and Ceil experiences betrayals and losses, which serve to humble his arrogant attitude, Sebastian becomes more intimately familiar with his human master and it becomes increasingly apparent, though unspoken, that he's not entirely in it for the soul, he actually appears to be attracted to Ceil and this homo-erotic Shotacon-esque non-explicit developing relationship turns out to be (again, I'm no expert) the core fabric of the series.


SO, how does this movie handle that concept?

Well, Ceil is a girl.



Okay, for real, I've advocated genderswapping characters before, particular in relatively repetitive series where it's just the same concept done slightly different every time (grrr), but HERE you're talking about genderswapping a character in a series where them being male is PART OF THE APPEAL.

Ceil is an androgynous boy who crossdresses to disguise himself during covert missions, we're talking about manga and anime series that specifically sells itself on THIS:


"OH MY GOD SHE'LL RECOGNIZE ME."

So yeah, WAY TO **** UP RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE by ruining a core selling point to your property.

They don't even call Ceil, Ceil Phantomhive, they call HER Shiori Phantomhive, unexplainably going under the name of "Kiyohara Genpou". So yeah. Ceil the boy is now Kiyohara the girl. *brain aneurysm*

The weird thing is is that the opening scene to this movie is essentially a PERFECT introduction to Black Butler. Ceil, in a dress and long hair, has been captured by bad guys, a gun gets held to her head and she's all "Yeah Whatevs" until Sebastian shows up, absolutely destroys the whole gang of baddies with [butter] knives, pretends to be fatally shot in the head, like the smug immortal bastard he is, and he manages to intimidate and incapacitate the main bad guy before saving Ceil amidst some petty jabs establishing their relationship and finally revealing that Ceil is ACTUALLY *GASP!* still a girl, just with a shorter hair.

YOU SEE!? YOU ****ED UP YOUR OWN REVEAL!

Whatever, I'm over it, the plot, here we go (I'm just gonna call her him):

The plot is a mess. It's amateurishly presented with loads of flat exposition and ultimately the false self-satisfaction that comes with "HAHA Retcon!" flashbacks which SEEM clever until you realize that you can insert them anywhere and they come off as increasingly contrived.

It all implodes on itself during the The Reveal which inexplicably happens at the halfway point of the movie. Basically up to now, Ceil and Sebastian have been on the hunt for the cause of this "serial mummification death case" which seems to specifically target diplomatic officials across the world. Actually, let me break away to make a criticism:

Why in the hell would this, in the year 2020, be popularly interpreted as a literal devil's curse? And worse, why would nations WORLDWIDE choose to solve the problem through a communal EXORCISM???

WHAT!? Is everyone just Christian now? Why are people signing on to this!?

Whatever, anyway, the BIG REVEAL IS, after an excruciatingly obvious false lead... his aunt did it. Which... if you're familiar with the series shouldn't surprise you. AND should upset you with what happens next.

IF you were familiar with Black Butler before the movie you would know that the first enemy Sebastian ever has any actual difficulty fighting is Grell and Grell is a REAPER, also an immortal, also an androgynous male, and fights with an CHAINSAW.

It's essentially an angel fighting a devil, THERE ARE SOME STAKES.

So how does Grell fair in the movie?

There is no Grell.



No, even though Ceil's aunt specifically knows that Sebastian is a demon because Grell tells her and Grell first appears IMMEDIATELY after her betrayal is revealed, Ceil's aunt just... KNOWS for some reason and instead sends A DRUG ADDICT to fight Sebastian.

Yes. This is Sebastian's Final Boss Fight, a random goon on steroids who's inexplicably strong enough and fast enough to contend with him.

Which makes no sense because Sebastian has demonstrated speeds at the level of BULLET-CATCHING and practical TELEPORTATION, yet he fights this guy at regular speed. There isn't even any implication that he's holding back or just trying to have fun with the guy, this nameless minion is actually a MATCH for him.

If that wasn't stupid enough it gets downright nonsense when the guy manages to cut Sebastian and then explains that his sword is silver.

BECAUSE OF DRACULA.



UUUUHHHH... SILVER... WEREWOLF.

DRACULA... VAMPIRE.

DEMON... NEITHER OF THOSE.

WOW YOU ****ED UP.


Sebastian can't actually die and he can kill this guy instantly, what's the fuss?

Alright so, the thing is Auntie (which I'm just gonna call her cause she doesn't have the same friggen' name as in the original series) is the one spreading these drugs which aerosolize and mummify people who inhale them. After she threatens to kill Ceil if Sebastian won't stop fighting, she reveals in a Villain Monologue that she was once engaged to Ceil's dad who inexplicably dumped her after she got... shot in the stomach which killed her unborn baby and destroyed her ability to bear children. Pretty dick move.

"Aw, I can't impregnate you? DUMPED."

Alright, that sucks, petty revenge for that is a suitable motivator, BUT NO, she's not out for revenge at all, that's just the reason why she can have a VILLAIN LAUGH, THE REAL REASON she's in this drug business is because she logically concluded that IF SHE CAN'T BE FERTILE, SHE COULD AT LEAST BE IMMORTAL.

( O_O)

Yes. Infertility = Immortality. Lost a baby? Live forever. Can't see the logical connection? I CAN'T EITHER.

So Ceil interrupts her Villain Laugh, punches at her, which Auntie catches, crushing the drug in her fist. So now the thing has aerosolized and they're both infected with the thing and will slowly die now, right?

Well, Ceil whips out two antidote caspules which <retcon>he stole from her earlier</retcon> which are identical to poison capsules except they are red instead of yellow, and crushes them under his feet.

Well now that the antidote is crushed too so that means they're both cured, right? "The tables have turned." he says.

Um... NO?

You both just got poisoned and then immediately cured of that poison, so NOTHING'S CHANGED.

At least that's what I thought until the antidote inexplicably doesn't affect them so I guess this identical drug NEEDS TO BE EATEN? **** if I know, they never explained that!

Alright, so they're both dying now and Auntie DROPS HER GUN, for ****'s sake WHY DID YOU DROP YOUR GUN!? HE JUST POISONED YOU AND NOW SEBASTIAN HAS KILLED YOUR MINION SO THE TABLES REALLY HAVE TURNED are you proud of yourself? Are you ****ing proud of yourself? You moron.

Sebastian pulls a whole jar of antidotes out of his ass because <retcon>he stole them earlier</retcon> eats them all then pulls ANOTHER two out of his ass and offers them to Ceil who considers shooting Auntie.

Auntie immediately starts begging for her life claiming in essence, and I'm not kidding, "YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED ME, BUT I AM MERELY ONE OF THE ELITE FOUR!"

That's... your... defense?



Don't kill me because someone told me to kill your parents and I really really enjoyed it??? Ugh~ my god. Sebastian even facepalms during this scene.

So Ceil, apparently SWAYED by this emotional appeal to stupidity offers one of the two antidotes to her. She goes all "FOOL, JAMES HOOK IS NEVERLAND!" takes both antidotes and eats them.

Ceil's all "YOU WERE LYING!?", Auntie gives a great big Villain Laugh even though Sebastian can still kill her any second now and THAT'S WHEN he reveals that <retcon>he painted them red</retcon> and they're actually poison I SAW IT COMIN' A MILE AWAY.

Wow.

Doesn't that...?

*sigh*

DIDN'T HE OFFER THOSE TO CEIL? HE OFFERED POISON TO CEIL, HOW COULD HE HAVE KNOWN HE'D BE TURNED DOWN!?

I GUESS at this point it's not entirely certain that Sebastian wouldn't be in favor of Ceil outright dying this way since it's established that he'd get his soul regardless, but REALLY? He killed her last bodyguard and instead of outright killing her directly he gambled on Ceil refusing the antidote, Auntie stealing, and KILLING HERSELF???

What kinda effed up Gambit Roulette wazzat!?

Inexplicably Auntie explodes into dust which is a completely different way of dying than we've seen from this drug so far and now Ceil's left with a bomb, oh yeah, there's a BOMB that'll decimate a whole kilometer with the drug, and while Sebastian hounds him down over trying to save other people/do his job instead of focus on his own survival/ultimate revenge (cause there's one last guy remember) he struggles against the mummification and manages to hurl the explosive off the top of the building which explodes mid-flight.

And doesn't harm him at all.

This was supposed to disperse an accompanying drug a whole kilometer and he gets away without a scra-you know what? It's almost over, so **** it.

Ultimately Sebastian lays Ceil down and puzzles over this new "human development" of self-sacrifice and in turn, forgoes his opportunity to take Ceil's soul, pulls more antidote out of his ass, and mouthfeeds it to Ceil...

...which would be totally gay if
CEIL WAS A GUY!!!

AND HIS NAME WAS ACTUALLY CEIL!!!

Holy **** this movie was terrible!

I can see why the Black Butler fanbase hates it, not only is it an utter betrayal against numerous aspects of the series, not only is it an awful stupid story, and not only is it friggen' boring at points, but it frequently suffers from overacting especially in regards to Rin, who, in the series, is the archetypal klutzy maid character.

This painfully obvious overacting character who trips over thin air is made only all the more meta when it's revealed that her klutziness is a facade and she's actually a badass in a dress. I didn't even GET THAT FAR in the original series so this came right out of the blue, yet it implies that she really WAS acting in-universe at the time... just very poorly... and you can't really tell it's gone after the reveal...

The BEST and ONLY REDEEMING FEATURE of this movie is Sebastian, who doesn't even really resemble the character he's supposed to, but he plays the role to a T.

He's instructive, he's obedient, he's smug, he's sardonic, he's seductive, and he kicks ass, the fight scenes were actually SURPRISINGLY GOOD. I'm not kidding, there's some neat moments and some uniquely effective use of slow-mo to be had here. He's fun to watch float around with a big grin on his face and being a smartass to people.

THAT'S what saves this from my lowest rating, OTHERWISE this was ****in' garbage.

I can't imagine what they'd follow this up with.


IT'S A BLACK BUTLER MUSICAL.

WAT.


Final Verdict:
[Just... Bad]

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Yojimbo
Action Drama / Japanese / 1961

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

After Sword of the Stranger I decided to check out what may be the most classic iteration of the Ronin story and to my understanding that's Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo. I wasn't especially compelled to see it until I realized it stars Toshiro Mifune who was the comedy relief in Seven Samurai, probably my favorite character in that movie.

The only familiarity I have with the name Yojimbo is that it's also the name of my favorite summon in Final Fantasy X. Yojimbo's particularly interesting because he has a unique control mechanic in which his moveset is entirely locked off to you and the degree to which he'll help you is based on a complex system of bribing him to improve his hidden Loyalty stat. He's the only summon in the game who explicitly requires payment to perform any of his moves, but the trade-off is that he's actually capable of INSTANTLY KILLING BOSSES.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"I'll get paid for killing, and this town is full of people who deserve to die."

A dog and a horse.

Interestingly, Yojimbo, as one of, if not THE, progenitors of the Ronin trope, doesn't actually feed into it very heavily beyond the fact that Sanjuro, our main character, is a capable samurai with no allegiances.

What I DIDN'T expect was that the Yojimbo in FFX is extraordinarily true to the concept presented in this film.

Rather than simply being the lone samurai who gets hired by the good guys to shuffle the bad guys outta town, Sanjuro wanders into town, sees a feudal stalemate between two factions and decides, "I can make money off of this". The majority of the movie has him sidling up to some... Restaurant Owner? who's pretty cynical in the face of his failing business while the coffin maker next door is making a killing. Sanjuro learns about the inner politics of the town and proceeds to manipulate his way into both sides of the conflict, trading information and taking up bodyguard services (because if we don't hire him, the other guys will and we don't want that).

It may seem grimy at first, but it's quickly revealed that the "good guys" are more than grimy themselves, secretly plotting to stab Sanjuro in the back after he's done his job, assuming him to be no less a ruthless mercenary than the gamblers they're fighting against.



Sanjuro puts on a convincing show of being tough and self-absorbed, but he also manages to show he can be a good guy when he goes out of his way to bring a family back together and urging them to run away with his entire commission.

This is perhaps the most irritating part of the movie for me though, because despite Sanjuro expressly impressing upon the family to "run away!", "take my ryo!", and "never come back!" they just stand their thanking him like idiots while Sanjuro's neck is on the line not to get caught.

And sure enough when he finally gets them to bail out of town, they come back and leave damning evidence that he's a traitor, which gets him found out and beaten to a pulp.

That's really frustrating especially since this is never resolved in any sort of lesson or general takeaway. It's just one instance in which Sanjuro stuck his neck out for somebody and the morons in their infinite stupidity ****ed him over for it. That's just a pretty sucky thing to see happen for no apparent narrative reason.

A couple other issues with the movie would be later swordfights which completely invert the typical Blood Geyser problem by not featuring any sound effects, stabbing, or really anything besides slashing motions. It's REALLY easy to fake that and it takes me out of it when it looks like the sort of mock fight I'd see children performing in their backyards.

The story occasionally drifts in horribly dry exposition about tertiary characters we don't know or care about and the soundtrack is also kinda cruddy with some extremely inappropriately upbeat music.

All in all I'd say it's a fine movie. Better than Ikiru, but not as good as Seven Samurai, and I like Yojimbo in FFX more for it.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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The Four Horsemen
Debate / English / 2008

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Just browsing.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
The Four Horsemen is an amusingly titled 2 hour discussion between four of the most outspoken atheists on the circuit today featuring Richard Dawkins, Daniel, Dennett, Sam Harris, and the late Christopher Hitchens.

I think it's interesting how despite their shared atheism and how atheism as a whole is smeared by the same sort of generalizations currently angled at Islam, they're all fairly distinct in their opinions and fields.

Richard Dawkins roots himself in evolutionary biology and stands firmly in opposition to creationism, strongly advocating the total abandonment of superstition in favor of a universally shared reverence for rational science.

Daniel Dennett, perhaps the more philosophically and culturally inclined of the four, advocates moderating religion through strong secular values such as teaching students all sorts of religions so that they come to the mutual exclusivity conflict on their own.

Sam Harris is more politically minded with a background in neuroscience and also advocates secularism through reformation and the substitution of new interpretations of consciousness and morality.

Christopher Hitchens, probably the most political and controversial of the four, stands most strongly against religion for it's totalitarian implications and during this debate openly admits that he'd have difficulty reconciling with Dawkin's hypothetical world without theists because he enjoys the stimulation of argument.

I think it's interesting seeing all four of them wax philosophical over their various entanglements with religion with all the hurdles they face and the difference between how things used to be and how they're turning out, but for the most part I found the talk kind of boring.

They don't go into any seriously contentious topics and it lacks the spirit of an actual informal debate, it's just four guys sittin' around talkin' and I'm not infrequently disagreeing with their sentiments.

I think it's a lot more interesting in concept than execution.


Final Verdict:
[Meh...]

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Rewatched Dark City.

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Ink
Mad Max: Fury Road
Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind
12 Angry Men
Aliens
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Dark City +2
Hook
Back to the Future: Part 2 -2



Dark City is one of my all time fantasy/sci-fi/noir flicks. Because that genre is so restrictive, I'll just say it's one of my favorites among all genres. It's so damn weird, creative and hallucinatory. I've read that the production was a mess, that it was cobbled together and that it has all sort of contradictions of the original plot intention, but so what. Dreams don't generally make much sense either and it's that non-logical, visual aspect of them that make them work, like this movie.




Point Break
Mystery Crime Drama / English / 1991

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.

I've never seen Point Break.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"We stand for something. To those dead souls inching along the freeways in their metal coffins, we show them the human spirit is still alive."

By robbing them. By robbing them? By robbing them.

Why? That doesn't make any sense. How is anyone supposed to glean this message from having a gun pointed at their face and their property stolen? I don't get this. The bad guys motivations don't make any sense.

This is a very "ehhh..." movie, the characters are only slightly interesting, the dialog is only slightly interesting, the acting is only... OKAY (Keanu Reeves) and the story is a bizarre attempt to blend crime drama with surf culture where it seems half-baked in both departments.

It's pretty obvious they got the wrong guys as soon as the first of their suspects is shot near the middle of the movie, there's no way you're cappin' off your antagonist that early and if they can't be the bad guys then as per dramatic conventions, it must logically be some other characters that have already been established because otherwise you restarting the investigation from square one and the audience feels like you wasted half the movie.



So OF COURSE the bad guys turn out to be the surfer friends Reeves made and the rest of the movie's just kinda... I dunno, stilted?

The first half feels like it was infused with a lot of ****in' around at the beach for literally no other payoff than to suggest that Reeves has spent enough time with Free Willy actress, Lori Petty to justify her becoming his damsel in distress, but it's been what? Two weeks? Spare me.

Perhaps one of the dumbest moments of the movie is the house raid they bring against the false suspects. It's a raid consisting of 4 POLICE who intend to arrest 4 ARMED BANK ROBBERS when they're not even alone. Is this not a terrible idea? Do you not want numbers on your side? Do you want a shooting match to the death? Cause that's obviously what happens.

Perhaps the worst part of that whole scenario is that where's just a random woman taking a shower during the scene so you've got a screaming naked woman running around in the background for seemingly no reason but THEM WOMENS!

She at one point grabs a knife and viciously stabs one of the police twice in the back and I'm like, "Oh crap! She's actually dangerous!" but then someone grabs her arm and she resumes screaming like a hysterical child. OH MY GAWD, **** OFF.

The usual stuff shows up as you might expect in the form of Chicken, Pizza, Meatball Sandwiches, but then it goes to a special place... an oh so special place...

Tuna on Meat.

WHAT!?

Excuse me waiter, I would like Salad on Vegetables WHATISTHISIDON'TEVENWHY!?


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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