A script exerpt. please critique!

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INT: Diner: Day

A blond haired guy looking about 17 or 18, walks into a well kept diner.
He’s appealing and wearing khakis, with a button collar shirt. He walks up to the receptionist and says:

Phil
Excuse me, um I think there was a table reserved for me…
Under the name….

Waitress
..Darce?

Phil
…yeah. Is ….Mr. Darce here yet?

Waitress
Yeah, he is.
(Looking behind her) Booth…nine.
Right over there.

Phil.
Thanks.

Phil heads over towards booth nine.

Phil
(Sitting down) ..Hi.

Mitchel
Hi. Phil I presume. (extending his hand for a hand shake.)

Mitchel has light brown hair and wears a blue leather jacket.
His hair is short and combed forward.

Phil
(Shaking Mitchel’s hand) yeah.
Now I could call you Mr. Darce, but I think
That would be a bit too formal.

Mitchel
Yes it would. My names Mitchel.

Phil
OK. ….Mitchel Darce….that’s uh…that’s a good name.

Phil looks behind him, his attention called by overt laughter.
He sees a group of attractive young teens, socializing. He recoils quickly and seems to hunch over a bit too avoid being seen.

Mitchel
Who are they?

Phil
Oh them?…uh I don’t know.

Mitchel
Really?

Phil
..Yeah.
…..So what’s good here (picking up the menu)

A waitress stops next to there booth with two plates.
On one is a salad, a ( soy) Burger, and some fries.
On the other is a (rare) steak, andsweet and sour chicken.
She puts the plats down, the steak in front of mitchel, the burger infront of Phil.

Phil
..wow. That was quick.
(eyeing the food) hm, this looks good.

Mitchel
(receiving his steak) Indeed.

Phil
Bon appitite.

Mitchel
Meme a vous.

Phil
(Before taking a bite of his burger.) …..hmm?

Mitchel
…It’s French.
Meme a vous….same to you?

Phil
Oh right.

Mitchel
You take French?


Phil
Yeah.

Mitchel
You good?

Phil
Oh yeah…practically fluent.

Mitchel
Cela est un burger de soja, à propos.

Phil
….uh.. bon…bon.

Mitchel
Oh est-ce que vous aimez le soja?

Phil
…Oui.

Mitchel
Bon. Oh à propos, j'ai pris un décharger dans votre nourriture avant de vous êtes arrivé, et je pense que votre mère est une gros comme chienne laide.

Phil
Oh merci boucoup.


Mitchel writes something down on a piece of paper. He folds it and sets it in the middle of the table.
A waitress walks up.

Waitress
Hey guys, can I get ya some drinks.
Maybe some coffee?

Mitchel
I’ll have some coffee, black.
And my good friend phil here will have…

Phil
A double laté capicino heavy foam please.

Waitress
OK, be right out with those.

Waitress leaves.

Phil
Oh sh*t, I forgot to ask if they had….

Mitchel
Those little things you put arounf the cups to keep your hand
From getting burnt?

Phil
…..(looks at Mitchel) ….yeah.
How did you?..

Mitchel
Open up that sheet of paper.

Phil opens the paper, and it reads : Phil will order a double late
Cappicino, with extra foam. Might want a mug warmer too.

Phil looks at Mitchel squinty eyed. Wow. Well your perception for peoples taste in drinks is dead on.

Mitchel
That among other things.

Phil
(skeptically) Well darn, I have to ask….
Ok Copperfield, how’d you know?

Mitchel
Wasn’t that hard. You’d be surprised at what you can pick up
About people through a few observations.

Phil
Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have worn my “I love double latés" shirt.
( laughs lightly.)
No seriously, how? Just a lucky guess?

Mitchel
Maybe.

Phil
And I suppose it was just luck that my favorite meal..(takes a bite)
Showed up infront of me here.

Mitchel
Coincidence.

Phil
…(shakes head no) I don’t believe in coincidence.

Mitchel’s attention seemed to be pulled forward by Phil’s comment.

Mitchel
Ok.

Mitchel forks a bite of steak into his mouth.
Then there drinks show up.

Waitress
here ya go. One black coffee, and one double late.
And I put one of those things around it, so you won’t burn youself.
Careful they’re hot.

Phil looks at his cappicino and gives a smiley nod.
Wow,….a uh…another coincidence.

Phil
Now before I ask why exactly you wanted me to meet you here,
I’d just like you to tell me, how ya knew all the things you knew.
About my food and such.

Mitchel
Ok.
I’ll start from the top. The food was an easy one, you’re a vegitarian
And you’re an American kid who loves to fit in, hense the “soy” burger and fries, and of coarse the salad. You chose you footwear based on style not efficiency, so I figured since
You don’t have a car you’d be late 5 to 10 minuets. Then I simply surveyed your
Conversation habits, or your anti conversation habits rather. You chose pragmatic small talk, and when there were “uncomfortable silences” you filled them in with a turn of your head, or just staight up verbal bullsh*t. For intense: complementing my name.
Your handshake was loose and controllable. Much like your lifestyle.
Which by the way brings us to our friends over at table five. And since you don’t know them, allow me to introduce them to you. They’re parasites, walking fu*king drones.
The type of people that laugh when they’re nervous and move in herds. There drink of choice being the double laté capiccino. And since you know and conform to that group I figured you’d pick it too.

Phil
…..Wow. That’s quite the collection of observations.
What exactly are you getting at?

Mitchel
What I’m getting at Phil, is that you still have a spark of
Originality. A spark that no matter how many times You’ved walked
In that group, or boughten Abercrombie khakis, just won’t flicker out.
But it’s fading.

Phil
(looks behind him at the group, then back to mitchel)
You pose an interesting opinion. But you’re wrong.
I’m still me. I may conform a bit to hang around with those people but,
it’s no big deal.

Mitchel
Oh yes it. It’ starts with the clothes, the outer layer.
But eventually works it’s way inside. The clothes don’t just become
Your self expression, they become your self worth. Well wake the fu*k up.
Because one day, when Johny all star, and tina sweat a$$ are long gone,
You’re going to find your self alone, with your snappy shoes,
And coveted khakis. Those people…..the parasites from table 5…
They don’t give a damn about you, and if you hang around with them enough
You won’t either.

Phil
What are you saying?

Mitchel
I’m saying loosen up. Don’t call or take calls from those a$$ holes.
Drop out of fu*king poetry club, Burn those bilbords you’re wearing.
Set your self free man.

Mitchel
………

Mitchel
……You’re laté is getting cold.
And I do believe if you sweat anymore, you’ll loose your grip on that cup.



I don't think "boughten" is a word. The excerpt is somewhat interesting, but I don't buy the observations that Mitchell made...not if he made them that quickly, without any tricks or some other such thing we don't know about yet.



That was pretty c00l. The whole popular thing is rather annoying.


k33p it goin d00d


Gotta love the Anti-Crombie Khakiness



thanks for the input. I'd prefere you to not take little shots at a mis-spelled word, and just focus on the piece it's self. I can understand how the observations seemed a bit far fetched, but that's the point. Mitchel is a genious, His character is capable of these things. And in a movie, things like this just give the dialogue some edge. At least in my opinion. thanks again.



I'm not trying to take a shot at you. It's a correction. I for one tend to be pleased when I find a bug to squash in some type of work of mine. Anyway, I suppose it's possible, but if I saw that on screen, I'd probably roll my eyes...genius or not, there was too much guesswork there for me to believe it, UNLESS the guy was genuinely supernatural...not just a genius. He'd have to be beyond a genius...and even then, I don't think you could make those observations in that way. Maybe in some other way...but not that one.

Sorry if it sounds harsh...I'm just being honest. I did say I found it interesting...which wasn't bull.



Originally posted by TWTCommish
I'm not trying to take a shot at you. It's a correction. I for one tend to be pleased when I find a bug to squash in some type of work of mine. Anyway, I suppose it's possible, but if I saw that on screen, I'd probably roll my eyes...genius or not, there was too much guesswork there for me to believe it, UNLESS the guy was genuinely supernatural...not just a genius. He'd have to be beyond a genius...and even then, I don't think you could make those observations in that way. Maybe in some other way...but not that one.

Sorry if it sounds harsh...I'm just being honest. I did say I found it interesting...which wasn't bull.
Ahhh. I see. Good point sir. Thanks for the in deapth critique.
And might I also add that you've given me an idea.



The following is an excerpt from later in the story. It takes place as a narration by Mitchel, while talking to Phil.



Ext: Beach: Sunset

Mitchel(V.O)
I’d been walking…most of the day, along this long
sandy beach in cape cod. It was nice to say the least.
Ya know how when you close your eyes while looking at
Something it kind of leaves a…an after image in your head.
Well every blink captured a perfect image.

Mitchel walks in dark swimming trunks, and a T-shirt coming from infinite sandy shoreline, and headed towards infinite sandy shoreline. He looks calm, soothed. He also appears to be the only one there.

Mitchel(V.O)
Every drop of my eyelids left a still shot in my head.

Mitchell blinks in slow motion.

Mitchell(V.O)
It was so. …perfect. I just remember watching the sun, hoping it would never drop below the horizon.

Camera’s shot pan’s from Mitchell’s face to the ocean as the sun nears the horizon’s edge.

Mitchell(V.O)
I’d walked….a long way.

Mitchell looks behind him viewing the empty beach that goes back miles.

Mitchell(V.O)
Not sure how far really. I guess I just wanted to walk far enough down the beach
to find myself alone. And even though I’d reached that point about a mile back
I …I just kept walking…..and walking until I couldn’t hear a sound.
All I heard was the water. Running cool up the sand, before being dragged back into the ocean.

0The water roles up the shore cascading gently over Mitchell’s walking feet.

Mitchell(V.O)
Almost as if it was making and attempt to escape.
It’s quite an odd idea, I know but…..every time the water drew my glance,
Every time I was taken from the sunset, I saw the same desperate attempt for redemption.

The water recedes quickly.

Mitchell (V.O)
Listen to me, I’m going on like some damn transcendentalist poet.
Anyway, I’m walking along….

Mitchell walks and then draws to a halt, as something catches his eye.

Mitchell(V.O)
And,….and I see this….

Mitchell sees a girl sitting, near the shore watching the sunset.

Mitchell (V.O)
….Girl.

The girl is staring straight out to sea and hasn’t noticed Mitchell.
She’s wearing shorter swim shorts, and and a T-shirt over a blue long sleeve shirt.

Mitchell(V.O)
She was… amazing. The type you just DON’T find sitting all by themselves
watching a sunset. I mean that sort of thing just doesn’t happen.

The girl moves her head to let the wind blow through her chin level dark hair.

Mitchell(V.O)
Not to me.

Mitchell stands speechless.

Mitchell(V.O)
She hadn’t seen me yet though. Half of me said turn around and just walk away,
You’re better of not making a fool of yourself. And at the same time the other half said
“ look at her! Are you really going to just pass up this kind of an opportunity?”

Mitchell opens his mouth about to say something, but no words are released.
He closes his jaw and starts to turn around.

Mitchell(V.O)
But for whatever reason, I just….

Mitchell starts to walk in the direction he came.

Mitchell(V.O)
...choked

Mitchell walks away and doesn’t look back


Mitchell(V.O)
But then…

Girl
Hey!

Mitchell’s eyes open wide. He turns around slowly.

Mitchell
…h hey.

Girl
….It’s pretty nice huh?

Mitchell
(Glances at the sunset) Yeah.
….yeah it is.

Silence comes over there introduction.
Mitchell gazes from the sunset to the girl.

Mitchell(V.O)
I swear, the more I looked at this girl, the more beautiful she looked.
Every movement….

She runs her fingers through her wet hair.

Mitchell(V.O)
…was …breath taking.

She crosses her arms on top of her knees, and lays her head down calmly to her folded arms, Now curled up as if ready to drift off to sleep.

Mitchell(V.O)
Every graceful motion she made… was like music.

She then raises her arms high above her head, stretching.

Mitchell(V.O)
Pure, untainted…

She then drops her arms down to her sides placing them behind her as she leans back.

Mitchell(V.O)
….perfect.

Mitchell swallows takes a deep breath, and proceeds towards her.


Mitchell
(sitting down 2 or 3 feet beside her) ..Hi…again.

Girl
Hi.

Mitchell(V.O)
I tried to think of something really genuine to say.

The two sit there silent. Mitchell rolls his eyes taking a breath to contemplate his next words.
Girl
So(turning towards him) We’re the only two people for miles out here
…think that means anything?

Mitchell(V.O)
The girl was a poet.

Mitchell
..uh…

Mitchell(V.O)
I on the other hand…

Mitchell
..I guess…
I mean ….has to mean something right?
Kind off, oddly coincidental otherwise.

Girl
And you don’t believe in coincidence?

Mitchell
Well…(re adjusts seat position)..no.
No I believe in coincidence, it’s just (looks down both ends of the beach)
Sort of strange. Us being the only two for miles.

Girl
I don’t believe in coincidence.

Mitchell
Oh really, and why not?


Girl
Just never have.
There’s a reason for everything.
Calling something a coincidence, is just people’s way of
Ignoring the truth behind things.

Mitchell(V.O)
30 seconds into our conversation, and not a word of small talk.

Mitchell
Yea, but what if there is no truth?
What if there is no greater picture, no reason for anything?

Girl
That’s a sad way to look at things.

Mitchell
Well it’s sad but it doesn’t mean it’s not reality.

Girl
So you really think we’re just aimless?

Mitchell
No. I just think we determine our own aim.
Call it nihilistic, but I doubt we have a …a destiny.

Girl
Oh really…

Mitchell
Really. Listen, people are afraid. Afraid of anything that can and does happen.
Afraid of being alone, afraid of not understanding, but most of all afraid of
Existing without meaning.

The girl turns her head listening to Mitchell.


Mitchell
Never been a problem for me really. But some people
Just…loose it. They let wishful thinking take hold, and
Then it’s all over. Then they start going to church, calling phycics,
Reading horoscopes. Doing whatever possible to delude themselves
Into thinking that everything means something. And before you know it
They’re avoiding black cats, and reading poetry.


She looks at Mitchell giving a light nod.

Girl
Well, that’s quite a theory.

Mitchell(V.O)
We’d gone from barely squeaking out “hi’s”. to
Discussing philosophy.

Mitchell
……..I’m sorry what’s your name?

The girl stands up slowly.

Girl
I got to go.

She starts to walk away.
Mitchell
…See now there’s a coincidence.
You have to leave the minute I get here.

Girl
(walking away) Enjoy the sunset.

Mitchell
But then again there’s no such thing as a coincidence right.
(Raising his voice a she gets further away) So then there must
be a reason your leaving so soon.

The girl continues to walk and doesn’t answer

Mitchell
…or not.

Mitchell tauses a rock into the water and looks back at the sun setting.

Mitchell(V.O)
Swallowing your pride is NOT an easy thing…

Mitchell gets up and takes a jog in the girl’s direction.
Catching up to her.

Mitchell
Hey! Hey, wait up a sec.

Girl
(glancing behind her) …what?

Mitchell
…Well you split back there when I asked you your name…

Girl
And?

Mitchell
And…I still wanna know.

Girl?
Why?

Mitchell
Why?

Girl
Yeah why? Why are you so interested?

Mitchell
I ..I don’t know.

The two continue to walk.

Girl
You don’t know.

Mitchell
No, I don’t. Is that a problem?

Girl
There’s a reason.
Just like there’s a reason why we just happen to be
the only two people out here.
But you can’t bring yourself to search for that reason can you?
Because your obviously too afraid to delude yourself, by
Looking for the potential meaning in what may be a coincidence.

Mitchell
(Sarcastically)My name’s Mitchell by the way.

Girl
...Listen, ……it’s obviously not a big deal to you so why don’t you just
Turn around and head back the way you came.



Mitchell
(Running fingers through hair) I can’t do that.

Girl
I think you should.

Mitchell
(Taking hold of her arm) Hey look, I really don’t know how we got
on the topic of fate so damn quick but…

The girl looks into Mitchell’s eyes. Caught of guard, he stumbles over he words.

Mitchell
..but I don’t think ……I don’t think that a little dissension should
send us running back to our opposite ends of the beach.

The girl stands listening.

Mitchell
Look, I obviously am not doing to well here.
I don’t know who you are, or why your all alone out here but…

The girl starts to turn away, Mitchell moves back into her line of vision.

Mitchell
…but…..I’d really like to find out.

Girl
…Look I’m sorry. I know it must seem a little strange
me just walking away all of the sudden.

Mitchell
(sarcastically) Oh no! Happens all the time.

Girl
(lightly laughs) But, I um… I really do have to go.

Mitchell
Well you uh, you can’t go.

Girl
Why not?

Mitchell
(desperately look around the beach)
because….because….we have to …
…swim.

Girl
Swim?

Mitchell
(with false confidence) yeah.
We have to go swimming.

Girl
Do know how cold the water is?

Mitchell
I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Mitchell removes his shirt.

Mitchell
So are you coming?

The girl smiles, and removes her shirt to reveal her bikini top.
Mitchell turns and runs towards the ocean, taking a huge dive in.
Then pops up freezing. He’s up to his waist in the water.

Mitchell
(under his breath, and shivering) Holy god!

Girl
How is it!?

Mitchell
(shivering and squeaking out his words)
Oh it’s great! Practically bath water!

The girl starts to run, and then dives into the water as well.
She then pops up about five feet from Mitchell, also freezing.

Girl
(shivering) Like bath water huh?!

Mitchell starts to laugh, trying to hide it.
Then the girl turns to him shivering, with a sour face.


Mitchell
(in between laughter bursts) sorry.

He then continues to laugh, and she cracks up as well.

Mitchell
(Looking behind him out to sea) Ya know the tide’s almost all of the way out.
It’s this deep for almost a mile.

Girl
So, I suppose we should just swim straight out to sea huh?

Mitchell
Well if you insist…

Girl
Oh if I insist?

Mitchell
I mean my logical side says, “It’s not exactly prudent swimming a mile out in the ocean
This close to the sunset… especially with an odd young girl like yourself”

Girl
And I really should be half way back up the beach by now.

Mitchell
Yep, any logical human being would definitely not do this.
So I guess our choice is pretty obvious.

Cut to: Ext: ocean: sunset/
An over head shot shows the two swimming out to sea through clear water.
They continue for what seems like quite a distance.
Then emerge about a three-quarters of a mile of the cost.
The shore is far off, and hard to make out.

Mitchell
Ya know it’s a shame we didn’t go for one of those really exotic underwater kisses.
(laughs lightly)

Girl
Yeah..(smiling)…it’s too bad.

Mitchell’s light laughter starts to fade as the girl moves closer to him.




Girl
…but…it’s not too late.

Mitchell(V.O)
HO-LY-****

Shot stills on Mitchell

Mitchell(V.O)
At that point every muscle tensed, my blood ran hot,
My heart pounded. I suddenly knew exactly what a deer in headlights feels like.

The girl kisses Mitchell.

Mitchell(V.O)
This was my moment of paradise.
I heard something once about paradise only existing in
small servings. Some guy wrote a whole book about it.
Now I don’t know if this is true, or if it’s just that paradise is so hard to find.
But I do know that I found it. For one brief moment, I found it.

The kiss ends.

Cut to: Ext: Sunset: Beach.

The two are back on shore getting redressed. The sut has just set, leaving the sky a purplish pink.

Mitchell
So you want to maybe meet up later?

Girl
I don’t think I can.

Mitchell
Mmm hm. Ok Well will you be here tomorrow?

Girl
Maybe.

Mitchell
Maybe?

Girl
Yeah,…. maybe.
Maybe not. What ever happens happens.

Mitchell
Ok. Well that’s a pretty apathetic way to look at it
Considering this has just about been the coolest experience of my vacation

Mitchell(V.O)
LIFE. Should have said life.

Girl
(smiles)….I won’t soon forget you.

Mitchell
I hope you don’t have to.

Girl
I have to go.

Mitchell
Wait. I just want to say….

Girl
……

Mitchell
I just want to say you’re the strangest girl I’ve ever met.

Girl
Really?

Mitchell
Oh yeah. But in a really great way.

Girl
Bye.

Mitchell
…Bye

The two turn and walk their separate ways.
Mitchell more reluctantly. They move further and further away from each other.
And Mitchell takes one last look back to see that she’s gone.

Cut to: Int -Diner- night.
Phil
So did you ever see her again?

Mitchell
No.

Phil
Wow. That’s harsh.

Mitchell
Yeah, that’s life.
Plain and simple.



Hey Tyler is that you?
I like it. Thumbs up. It's got me interested as to what's going to happen next and why. I like the part about him having a photographic memory. I don't think people who laugh when they're nervous drink double laté capiccino. I think they drink something else. The part where he deduces what's going to happen next could be believable if you set it up right. You have to get suspension of disbelief first. I don't think that scene should be at the start of the movie, we should know he's a genius and stuff first. I like movies with voice overs. He wouldn't turn around and walk away from a beautiful girl unless he's a nerd or has just recently gone through a traumatic love experience. He would either walk by or try to talk to her.



Thanks sunfrogolin. I think I may have him just walk by when I revise. But the reason that he turns isn't known to us or him. It just happens. He "just chokes". And about Mitchell's genious, it's revield through later scenes. A good portion of the film is in flashbacks of Mitchell's. Alot of them giving decent character development. But I'll keep what you said in mind. Check back soon. I'll have a new scene.



This excerpt reminds me alot of "The Beach" my favorite Movie. good Job and keep writing it, I am intrigued in the future of the Philster.



thanks for the inputanew scene is on the way.



Mitchell(V.O)
It was my father’s plan to send me back to school.
And it was my mom’s plan to send me to college.
But when faced with that kind of a decision you have to ask yourself why?
Why should I go back to school? To learn about more ancient ****?
To fall back into the same ******* routine?
No not this time.

INT: Airport: Day

Mitchell walks through the entrance tunnel to the plane.

Mitchell(V.O)
So I set off for Florida, with all 15 grand I had saved,
And borrowed from my parents. It was supposed to be
For a car, but **** it, this was better. I know a trip to Florida
Is hardly exotic, but it was really just the thing I needed.

Mitchell Puts his bag into the overhead storage bin, and sits down
In the seat closest to the window.

Mitchell(V.O)
A break. A break from the people I knew, and the places I
Had grown far too familiar with. An escape
If only for a short while.

The plane starts to shake a little as it makes it’s way down the runway.
Mitchell does not take well to the shaking.

Mitchell(V.O)
Right then as the plane was taking off, everything that could
Go wrong flashed in my head. Every problem I had been
Neglecting to think off had now come full swing.


Mitchell’s head is pressed back into the seat. His face pail.
He looks around noticing every other passenger being calm.

Mitchell(V.O)
I guess I was the only one that nearly felt the bottom drop out of the plane.

Mitchell closes his eyes in fear. His head still pressed against the seat.
Then the shaking comes to a stop, as the plane reaches a steady fight.

Mitchell(V.O)
But then…

Mitchell opens his eyes and looks with his eyes only, out the window.

Mitchell(V.O)
……I realized I had only to gain.

Music Cue- Amber :311

Shot from the ground of the plane in the air.

Mitchell(V.O)
Never felt more free in my life.

Cut to: INT: Airport: Evening

Mitchell walks out of the loading tunnel with his bag.
Stops takes a breath, smiles and continues.
Concept: Slow motion shot from the side of Mitchell walking through the terminal.

Cut to Ext: Beach: Day

Mitchell sits on a crowded beach, watching girls playing volley ball.

Ext: Highway: Evening.

Mitchell drives a convertible down a long stretch of highway with water on both sides.
He’s wearing sunglasses and a smile.

Mitchell(V.O)
But when it came time to go home…

INT: Airport: Day

Mitchell walks reluctantly through an airport terminal.
He wear’s neither sunglasses nor a smile.

Mitchell(V.O)
...I just didn’t want to.

Mitchell stops, turns and walks over to a service counter.
He mouths some words we can’t hear.

Mitchell(V.O)
So I continued to travel.
Continued my quest. For what I’m not exactly sure.

Mitchell sits content on a plane near the window.


Mitchell(V.O)
But it felt damn good to search.

Ext: Paris: Day
The shot pans down to reveal the Eiffel tower, and Mitchell standing
Back to us taking a picture of it. Then Mitchell stands leaning against the rail
At the top of the tower

Mitchell(V.O)
I was suddenly a part of every postcard I’d ever seen.


Ext: Sydney: Day

Mitchell(V.O)
I was there. I was doing all the things that I wouldn’t have time for once
I graduated. I felt sorry for people.
People like me. Or rather like I was.

Mitchell sits a few tables away from a group of teenagers.

Mitchell(V.O)
People who were sucked into a routine they had
Neither the strength nor desire to escape.

Mitchell sits at a table at an outside restaurant, sipping his soda.
In another shot we see the opera house, to give recognition that he’s in Sydney.

Mitchell(V.O)
It felt good. No it felt fantastic.
I was never part of anything I didn’t wish to be a part of.
And if I got sick of a place, I could just up and leave.
No questions asked. No friends to say goodbye to.
No obligations to worry about neglecting.
None of that ****.

Mitchell gets up and leaves his table.

Mitchell(V.O)
But best of all was the fact that nothing was repetitive.
Everyday, something different.

Mitchell walks looking at a map. He’s walking on a riverside sidewalk, and it’s sunny.

Mitchell(V.O)
Sure some of it was hard, and complicated. But life is hard anyway.
I was just adding my own twist on things.



Ext: Parking lot: Night

Mitchell talks into his cell phone, as he exits his car.

Mitchell(V.O)
Over that time I only communicated to my parents through answering
machine messages. That was about all the contact I needed or could stand.

Ext: Street: Day

Mitchell leans against a railing. He then looks to his right (camera pans left) and sees a
group of stereotypical tourists. They have cameras, novelty shirts, and look to be a family.

Mitchell(V.O)
The only hard part was not becoming a tourist
more or less a nomadic traveler.

Ext: Run way: Day

Mitchell(V.O)
But even though I remained out of the equation
Of brosure readers. They were still an unavoidable almost annoying crowd.

Mitchell exits his gate and stops so that a group of people can get a picture taken.

Mitchell(V.O)
So I figured cape cod would probably be the last of my
Travel binge.

EXT: Beach: Night

A huge group of people are having a wild party on the beach.
They are guzzling bear, and dancing to techno.
Mitchell makes his way through the mass of people with a sour look on his face.

Mitchell(V.O)
I don’t know if it was them or me, but the tourists
Had reached a panicle in there efforts to drive me away from travel.

The people dance wildly.

Mitchell(V.O)
I hadn’t touched a drop and I was ready to barf up everything
I’d eaten for the past year.


Mitchell runs his hands through his hair, in utter agony of the chaos.

Mitchell(V.O)
I had to get the **** out of there.
So I did.

Mitchell walks off down the beach. Away from the chaos of the party.

This brings him into the previous scene posted, where he discovers the girl alone. It was revised however so that it is a sun rise, not a sun set they're watching. He walks off all night and into the morning. They don't fit when you put them together, but just make your own revisions. thanks and I welcome any input.



I want the next part of script, Hurry up damnit



I'm working hard on revision, and writting the next scene now. Hang in.



For some good free professional crit, Tyler, become a member of www.zoetrope.com . It's the company of Francis Ford Coppola and it's got a shite-load of members. If you've got a script extract or script under 87 pages you submit in the "film school". If you sumbit, you're payment is to read and review another four for other people. Lovely system and lovelier feedback.
__________________
www.esotericrabbit.com



Originally posted by The Silver Bullet
For some good free professional crit, Tyler, become a member of www.zoetrope.com . It's the company of Francis Ford Coppola and it's got a shite-load of members. If you've got a script extract or script under 87 pages you submit in the "film school". If you sumbit, you're payment is to read and review another four for other people. Lovely system and lovelier feedback.
Wow! Sounds great! Thanks sir.



Staretd to read it, but didn't finish. I like to know a little bit more about the situation, I like to be supplied with some sort of visual description. I mean, maybe its my job to picture this stuff, but it IS film and if its ever made, wil be presented to me, I don't have room to interpret. Anyway, I read the first two parts and I think the diaolgue is interesting but a little too scripted. In the sense that the way the enter and exits lines, and interrupt each other and react is kind of true. What i find difficult is the dialogue with the two just all of a sudden spouting philosophicla comments. I have a scene like it in my screenplay aso I can't say it can't be doen. I don't know. The second exceprt was good. I'll give you that. The first was bothersome. I didn't want to hear another dude who thinks he's more special than others preach about how they're conformists. I mean, this Mitchel character is pretty much a self-proclimed god. "I see all and I know you are conformists. You are alike. but you, son. have potential."

My personal problem is this: Its not a flaw on your part just what i don't like. I dont like that this Mitchell doesn't bneleieve those othe teens are equally capable of greatnes as the one kid, whatever his name was. Please. The dialogue is good. Not great, but good. I'm still waiting for plot and thematics. i'll read the third part now.



Ok.
I'm yet to see plot or any theme, but that's no problem with this little script. anyway, I don't like the character of Mitchell at all. He seems pompous and self-righteous. He reminds me of my brother because he thinks because he travels and doesn't settle, he's better than other people. I don't want him to get this girl at all. Like I said, the dialogue is good. Well, the dialougue is good in the guy-girl scene, which are the hardest to do. Its so hard to make the girl as awesome as she's supposed to be. You pulled it off I think. She's not my ideal girl, but I like her anyway. As mentioned before, i don't like the first scene at all. Unlike someobody before, i don't like Voice over. It's easy to do past tense montages the lay down a story without having to actually put this in the script. I don't like things that I think were too easy. Thats why i'm leaving my bootleg wack ltech film school. these people just try to meet criteria and have neevr tried anyhting hard in their lives.

I sound harsher than I am. it was fairly good. I also dion't know where you're going, so I'd liek to see. My biggest concern is that you're not challenging yourself. It seems like you could do more with the travelling and such. Its adequate, but could do more.

Anyway, keep them coming. Check out mine, too. I'd love it. Its at
www.geocities.com/sultanbigpants/s2.htm



Yeah, to put it very simply, I dont like Mitchell. It's not so much the type of character as the way it's handled. Think of "Good Will Hunting," for example. I liked that movie...a lot. Will Hunting is ridiculously talented, and he knows it...but he doesn't care. He wants to live his life and have a good time, and doesn't spout off like he's a genius unless he's asked to, or semi-prompted to (like the scene in the bar...he just overheard the guy and felt the need to correct him).