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I used to get bullied by someone when I was teenager

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Hey, what's that on your face...
Now that I try to confront him his wife tries to handle the situation for him. She tells me that he is too busy being a father and doesn't have time to address the situation with me and should get lost. I have been reluctant to address the situation for over 20 years but now I feel like I cant look away from it. Am I being irrational or is this seem like something that should be looked in to.



Sounds like a lot more info is needed before any useful advice can be offered - what was the level of bullying, when & how often did it occur, was it so traumatizing that it cannot be forgotten or forgiven, is it still going on in some respect today, how is it you are still in contact with this person? (etc.)



Now that I try to confront him his wife tries to handle the situation for him. She tells me that he is too busy being a father and doesn't have time to address the situation with me and should get lost. I have been reluctant to address the situation for over 20 years but now I feel like I cant look away from it. Am I being irrational or is this seem like something that should be looked in to.
You need to talk to a counselor about dealing with your feelings, as your actions from the little that you wrote sounds ominous. Talk to someone, it will help you feel better overall.



When I was a kid, I had the same. I lived in another country from my birth, and because of my heritage, I was targeted.
10 years I suffered at the hands of a bully. Basically my entire childhood.
What made it worse, is he was 2 years older than me.

He bullied me every day, and even kicked me so hard in the leg, he broke it... because I was simply walking past him in the corridor going to my next class.

I left school at 15 and moved country back to my home country.

I found out when I was around 26 or so, that the guy had committed suicide when I was 19, so he was only 21.
I then found out he had demons of his own stemming from one of his family members, if you know what I mean.

I had carried that pain with me for 11 years. From age 15 when I left, to age 26 when I found out he'd been gone for almost 7 years at that time.

---

Now this next part will sound nasty, but bear with me.
My instant thought was "I won".

---

But then I felt bad.
Not for my horrible thoughts, but for him and his family.
He had demons of his own, and the decent members of his family must miss him dearly.

I then had a banging headache for an hour, and an outpouring of emotion.

Once I'd settled myself, I sat and thought about it.
And I forgave him.
For what it was worth, after all the years I held onto the pain he caused me, I forgave him, and I cursed his demons for both myself and him.
Afterward, and since then, I have felt better about my childhood.
I'm 40 now.

My advice is: Let go of it, buddy.
The memories may come back from time to time, but the pain will be easier to deal with, if you can just forgive.
Kids are stupid, and some have demons that make them even worse.
Move on, forgive him, curse the guy's demons, so they don't eat you away as well.



When I was a kid, I had the same. I lived in another country from my birth, and because of my heritage, I was targeted.
10 years I suffered at the hands of a bully. Basically my entire childhood.
What made it worse, is he was 2 years older than me.
So it was a British man who bullied you? Thatís horrible.
__________________
Iím here only on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays. Thatís why Iím here now.



So it was a British man who bullied you? Thatís horrible.
Scottish kid.
Bullied because I'm English.

If they knew I had non-Caucasian relatives and ancestors though, it would have been worse than it was.



Scottish kid.
Bullied because I'm English.

If they knew I had non-Caucasian relatives and ancestors though, it would have been worse than it was.
Too bizarre. Sorry you went through this.



Now that I try to confront him his wife tries to handle the situation for him. She tells me that he is too busy being a father and doesn't have time to address the situation with me and should get lost. I have been reluctant to address the situation for over 20 years but now I feel like I cant look away from it. Am I being irrational or is this seem like something that should be looked in to.
At first I thought you were talking about your dad. That's what posting at a movie related forum does to you. You're always looking for that Shyamalan twist.



At first I thought you were talking about your dad. That's what posting at a movie related forum does to you. You're always looking for that Shyamalan twist.
If you order a Scotch with a Shyamalan twist, you probably shouldn't finish it.

But anyway, bullying also messed me up real good. For instance, to this day, I'm still wary of anyone's attempts at being friendly to me. There's always that suspicion that they're being insincere or that they're going to joke to their friends later like, "can you believe I spoke to that guy?"



In my work I see bullying at times (among older children), and when deciding how to address it, I think it's important to be really clear about your own goals.

Is your goal to let this person know that they hurt you and the effects of that hurt? If so, you could simply write a letter and send it.

Is your goal to get an apology for this person's behavior? Honestly, you can't control anyone's actions but your own. You can ask for an apology, but in a weird way that gives power to the other person to either give or withhold it. Making resolution dependent on someone else is a bit tricky.

One path to take is to figure out if there is a way that you can have closure on the emotions caused by the bullying that doesn't require the attention or cooperation of the bully himself. Fixating on him as the path to resolution gives him power. Alternatives could include volunteering or donating to an organization that helps reduce bullying or supports victims of bullying; working with a trusted friend/family member/therapist to identify unwanted thoughts or behaviors that resulted from the bullying and making a plan to reduce their impact on you; writing a letter to your teenage self saying what you wish someone had said to you; etc. (I'm not sure of your employment status or where you live, but in many places and with several different insurance companies, it is possible to get up to 3 free sessions with a counselor/therapist who could help with this process).

I'm sorry that this situation has weighed so heavily on you. Bullying is terrible and can linger in so many unwanted ways even decades after it is over.



If you order a Scotch with a Shyamalan twist, you probably shouldn't finish it.
Probably because it's vodka. Or the bartender's dead. And he's Hitler.
WARNING: spoilers below
People will Nazi that coming.



In my work I see bullying at times (among older children), and when deciding how to address it, I think it's important to be really clear about your own goals.

Is your goal to let this person know that they hurt you and the effects of that hurt? If so, you could simply write a letter and send it.

Is your goal to get an apology for this person's behavior? Honestly, you can't control anyone's actions but your own. You can ask for an apology, but in a weird way that gives power to the other person to either give or withhold it. Making resolution dependent on someone else is a bit tricky.

One path to take is to figure out if there is a way that you can have closure on the emotions caused by the bullying that doesn't require the attention or cooperation of the bully himself. Fixating on him as the path to resolution gives him power. Alternatives could include volunteering or donating to an organization that helps reduce bullying or supports victims of bullying; working with a trusted friend/family member/therapist to identify unwanted thoughts or behaviors that resulted from the bullying and making a plan to reduce their impact on you; writing a letter to your teenage self saying what you wish someone had said to you; etc. (I'm not sure of your employment status or where you live, but in many places and with several different insurance companies, it is possible to get up to 3 free sessions with a counselor/therapist who could help with this process).

I'm sorry that this situation has weighed so heavily on you. Bullying is terrible and can linger in so many unwanted ways even decades after it is over.
This is pretty much all the stuff I was going to say so I'll just quote it.

I guess I'll also just kind of put my thumb on the scale for trying to move past it, if plausible. Bad things happen when we put our well-being in the hands of anyone we don't trust and love. Outsourcing your self-esteem all but guarantees it will be constantly injured. I think emotional self-sufficiency, and an independent sense of one's self that can't be easily touched by the people we interact with day to day, is really important for peace of mind, and severely under cultivated.



Probably because it's vodka. Or the bartender's dead. And he's Hitler.
WARNING: spoilers below
People will Nazi that coming.
I ordered a Scotch with Shyamalan twist at a bar down in the village... and the bartender turned into Paul Giamatti... who told me it was a good thing I didn't order Scotch & Water because Merrill was up at bat and was ready to swing away (plus there was a lady in it). He asked if I wanted to step outside because the plants were no longer angry (and because his sixth sense was telling him that Markie Mark was waiting for me, ready to defend the honor of Ron Howard's blind daughter).



This is pretty much all the stuff I was going to say so I'll just quote it.

I guess I'll also just kind of put my thumb on the scale for trying to move past it, if plausible.
Agreed, though I think it's important to note that moving past something and "just get over it" aren't the same message/idea. As someone who perseverates on things that happened years or even decades before, sometimes I'm like "Yes! I would LOVE to get over it! Please tell me how!" It can take some work---sometimes on your own, sometimes with professional help--to figure out how to move past something.

But however you can let that go, you're no longer letting that person and their actions have a say in your thoughts and feelings.



Yeah, my "if plausible" is eliding some stuff that would normally take a few hundred words to expound on, but hopefully it's clear to the OP roughly what that means and what's workable for them, personally.



Yeah, my "if plausible" is eliding some stuff that would normally take a few hundred words to expound on, but hopefully it's clear to the OP roughly what that means and what's workable for them, personally.
Absolutely. I didn't think you were saying "just get over it!". Just wanted to acknowledge that getting over something can really take work. If only it were as easy as just deciding not to care anymore. (Though there are some decisions that can reduce the strain, like not following the person on any social media).



Hey, what's that on your face...
Wow, thanks guys. I guess I should give a little more backstory on this as I was kind of in a mood when posted. I went out for a personal day lunch a few weeks back and happened to run into a old schoolmate of mine. I had seen him a couple of times since graduation but hadn't really spoken to him in nearly 10 years. Had a nice time chatting and catching up and mentioned the individual this thread was about and he mentioned he seen him every now and then at the grocery store, they used to be a little closer in school at first until my classmate I ran into a few weeks ago went to a trade school. Of course memories started to come back and some really bad ones started to resurface. I shared some great times with this guy up until he got married and started a family. I hadn't really kept in touch the past few years but I knew for the most part he was doing good raising his family. There were some aspects of this guys personality that I know now had to do with a strained relationship with his father made him difficult to deal with. There were times when it seemed he took pleasure in light of making me feel inferior. I guess I kept this with me this long even though I gravitated to the positive times we shared. I feel like this age of apologies made me think that it would nice to have one from this person, nothing too extravagant just a acknowledgement that he may have overstepped some boundaries in the past. All that happening seems like fools gold but I much appreciate your feedback and advice.



Just my opinion, but I think it's rare for people who were bullies in the past to ever apologize.

I was bullied mercilessly, yet of the few tormentors I've re-encountered as an adult - they seem to remember our relationship as one of either casual acquaintance or of friendship - but I've never had one acknowledge the living hell they made of my life. (The one thing I've gotten back from them is how they remembered they always "liked" me because I was a really nice guy!)

Even if I remind them of what transpired, they either say they have no memory, or claim I must be wrong because they were "never like that" because they were picked on themselves, or write it off as "we were kids... kids mess around with each other."

In their memory, they are probably the hero of their own narrative (or see themselves as a victim who was only standing up for themselves - which took the form of humiliation or violence against others) whether this perspective is accurate or not - and the more it's not, the more likely they are to remember it wrongly (even if as a psychological defense mechanism - no one wants to acknowledge themselves as the villain).

Unless they've had a major epiphany and done some real internal work on themselves, it's unlikely that a former bully would apologize.