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Captain Spaulding's Cinematic Catalogue

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My last resuscitation of this thread didn't last very long, but I swear I'm going to stick with it this time!



An Eye for an Eye
(Steve Carver, 1981)

I just watched An Eye for an Eye the other day, yet already I'm forgetting the particulars of the plot. That's more of an indictment against the generic story than the movie itself, however, since this is a fairly solid action/crime flick. It reminds me a bit of the umpteen crime films Charles Bronson starred in during the 70's/80's, only with approximately 450 more roundhouse kicks. Chuck "His Tears Cure Cancer, Too Bad He's Never Cried" Norris plays an undercover cop whose partner is shot, run over, then set on fire in front of him, which of course enrages Chuck "He Can Slam a Revolving Door" Norris into turning in his badge and enacting revenge via fists and feet on countless goons. There's something about a big drug shipment. And a missing tape. And I don't know what else. All that matters is seeing Chuck "He Can Start a Fire by Rubbing Two Ice Cubes Together" Norris whupping ass, which he does well and often. The film is also bolstered by a strong supporting cast featuring Christopher Lee, Mako and Shaft himself, Richard Roundtree. Although the real star of the movie is Norris's laundry-sorting dog, Mort.


Cherry 2000
(Steve De Jarnett, 1987)

Set in 2017, this post-apocalyptic action-adventure/cult favorite/Road Warrior-ripoff revolves around a business executive's treacherous journey into the wastelands to retrieve parts for his out-of-order sex robot: the blond, beautiful, hamburger-making, Pepsi-retrieving Cherry 2000. Aiding him in his quest is the red-haired, gum-chewing, bazooka-shooting, mustang-driving tracker played by Melanie Griffith. Will Mr. Business Executive learn that it's better to love a woman with a brain in her head rather than an electronic chip, even though the two share zero chemistry? If you've ever seen a movie before, you already know the answer. I was enjoying Cherry 2000 in its early stages, with all its 80's-flavored futuristic flourishes, unexplained randomness (seriously, why the f**k is that cat in a water jug?), double entendres and somewhat satirical look at human relationships, which sees Laurence Fishburne play a lawyer helping to draw up contracts involving "oral clauses" for men and woman about to hit the sheets. However, once Melanie Griffith shows up and the film goes all Mad Max, my enjoyment lessened considerably. Despite boasting such a trashy premise, Cherry 2000 is surprisingly tame. Nudity is only shown in silhouette. The violence feels safe. The action is shoddy and kid-friendly. If there was any profanity, I can't recall it. The two lead performances are also incredibly flat, which is made all the more glaring by the colorful supporting characters, like Ben Johnson's Six-Fingered Jake and Tim Thomerson's villainous Lester. I was crossing my fingers that Melanie Griffith's character would turn out to be a robot, too, just to explain her complete inability to emote, but I guess instead she was popping Quaaludes before each take. Oh well. At least Six-Fingered Jake taught me the culinary benefits of cooking a rattlesnake in a toaster oven.


Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
(Fred Olen Ray, 1988)

I went to check this off AFI's 100 Years ... 100 Thrills list, but apparently it's not on there. Must be an oversight. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers opens with a disclaimer about how the chainsaws used in the picture are "real and dangerous," while also advising viewers not to try any of the stunts at home, "especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex," so it's immediately clear that the film is in on its own joke, which the hammy performances, ridiculous script and self-aware dialogue further demonstrate as the film moves along during its swift 75-minute run-time. I wish there had been more Hollywood hookers hooking and chainsawing in place of the private dick dicking around and pretending to be Sam Spade. The few scenes of chainsaw mutilation are pretty comical, with crew members obviously standing off-screen throwing buckets of blood and fake body parts at the actresses. Every chick gets naked at some point, and since it's the late 80's, they all look like they just walked off the set of a Motley Crue music video. Leatherface himself, Gunnar Hansen, plays the leader of a chainsaw-worshiping cult, which is genius casting. Scream Queen Linnea Quigley also provides a bit of B-movie star power as a runaway turned stripper turned chainsaw cultist, and in the climax of the film she engages in a chainsaw cat fight, which sounds amazing in theory but is pretty lame in execution. That basically sums up the movie itself, which is only marginally entertaining in a dumb, juvenile sorta way, but never as fun as one would hope based on the title and premise.

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In the UK the censors really had a thing for chainsaws and nunchucks.. This meant that this film was released over here without the word "chainsaw" in it and, instead, had a pictorial representation. The copy I had looked like this.



It also meant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles over here.



And one of the big fight scenes in Enter The Dragon was significantly cut. The last 40 odd seconds of this clip wouldn't have appeared in later 80's versions.

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5-time MoFo Award winner.



In the UK the censors really had a thing for chainsaws and nunchucks.. This meant that this film was released over here without the word "chainsaw" in it and, instead, had a pictorial representation. The copy I had looked like this.



It also meant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles over here.
Ah, yes, the great Lumberjack Ninja invasion, in which millions of Brits were brutally murdered by chainsaws and throwing stars. I can see why censors would be sensitive about such a thing.

Did the censoring of chainsaws only extend to titles, or were they blurred/cut from the films themselves? It's awesome that you actually owned a copy of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. That's why I'm disappointed by the lack of Drew Barrymore on the forum nowadays. You may not watch a ton of movies, but at least you watch the right ones.




Red Road
(Andrea Arnold, 2006)

A CCTV operator recognizes a dark figure from her past on one of the monitors and becomes obsessed with following him, which is all you need to know about the premise since it's best to go into Red Road blind. Viewers are successfully kept in the dark about the connection between the two characters and their motivations, which adds a sense of intrigue and mystery to go along with the simmering intensity and disquieting anxiety of this gripping, low-key thriller. The naturalistic performances are excellent. Multi-dimensional characters are portrayed realistically and without judgement despite their crudeness. Raw subject matter is presented with frankness. The crime-ridden, poverty-stricken streets of Glasgow provide a bleak setting that complements the somber mood of the film. CCTV footage is deftly incorporated into select scenes, adding to the voyeuristic nature of the film and essentially transforming viewers into a mirror of the protagonist, as we, too, infringe on the privacy of the characters while watching and waiting for something bad to inevitably occur. The cathartic payoff in the denouement fell just a bit flat for me, and I'm skeptical that the film will retain its potency on a repeat viewing since much of my personal engagement derived from the mystery-like nature in which events unfold. Regardless, Red Road is still an impressive film and a definite contender -- along with another Andrea Arnold film, Fish Tank -- for my eventual ballot for the Directed By Women Countdown.


The Mummy
(Alex Kurtzman, 2017)

Tom Cruise repeatedly encounters various CGI atrocities, takes his shirt off at every opportunity (although I can't begrudge him for that since his physique is mighty impressive for a man his age; I'd never wear a shirt either if was I him), while every supporting character does nothing but spout constant exposition. I like Russell Crowe, but his performance as Jekyll/Hyde is cringeworthy, as is the movie's clumsy attempt at setting the foundation for this so-called "Dark Universe." I don't mind the film taking more of an action-adventure route instead of horror, but where's the sense of fun? Give me Brendan Fraser's Mummy over this trainwreck any day.


Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
(Akiva Schaffer & Jorma Taccone, 2016)

The songs are the highlight, especially the hilarious Bin Laden song. The rest of the humor is more silly and amusing than laugh-out-loud funny, and as the film struggles to fill out its 86-minute run-time, fewer and fewer jokes seem to land. There's a gazillion cameos, but unfortunately most of them are of rappers and producers that I don't give a sh*t about. These are just a few of my incredible thoughts.


The Hitman's Bodyguard
(Patrick Hughes, 2017)

A little disappointed that the scale is weighted more heavily toward action than comedy. It doesn't feel like the script even contains any jokes or gags. What little humor is in the film rests on the shoulders of Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson basically being themselves. Despite both being likable actors, their banter is often more grating than entertaining. The generic plot is instantly forgettable; the uninspired romantic subplot should've been dropped from the movie altogether; some of the action is decent but much of it falls victim to the modern-day, headache-inducing, thousand-edits-per-second syndrome; even the soundtrack is kind of obnoxious. I was anxious for The Hitman's Bodyguard to end well before its two-hour run-time was finished. Favorite part of the film: watching Salma Hayek brutally dispose of a bar full of thugs, and in slow-motion, no less!


Patriots Day
(Peter Berg, 2016)

Patriots Day features several of the usual annoying staples found in these based-on-true-events films, like the early scenes that try too hard to capture the mundanity of people's lives, which almost always ring false to me, as well as footage/interviews of the real-life people right before the credits, which I know a lot of people find powerful but for me it destroys the illusion since I'm immediately reminded that I just watched a bunch of people play dress-up (which probably also explains why I found the incorporation of real-life security footage jarring every time it occurred --- thinking to myself, like, did Dzhokhar just get split-second plastic surgery?). Personal quibbles aside, this is a well-crafted, engaging film with solid performances. The middle portion of the film, when we see the manhunt from the POV of the bombers, is especially harrowing. Their shootout with police is edge-of-your-seat stuff. Yes, the film is emotionally manipulative, but these types of films always are. And yes, I did occasionally feel guilty about being so entertained by events in which real lives were lost, which brings up the usual question of whether a film of this type exploits tragedy or honors the real-life heroes and victims. (Personally, I think it's a combination of both.) I've also seen complaints about Mark Wahlberg's character, since he's a creation of the script, but that's irrelevant to me. Overall, good movie that I liked more than expected.




Love the review of The Mummy (2017). You're 100% right
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Awwww look at the ickle fluffy-wuffy bunny
Always nice to see a complete maniac knocking around, welcome back CS. Sadly I've not seen any of those you've reviewed but Red Road is one that I've been hoping crosses my path at some point so nice to see a positive rating from you for it.
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terrible, 0/5, not enough puppies.



You can't win an argument just by being right!
I totally agree with Derek. Beautifully written as well.

I'm a big, nay HUGE fan of Hitman's Bodyguard but I do agree with your critique. It's a typical kick
em in the head movie, and more of Salmah doing that is OK by this kick em in the head but only on screen movie chick.

Patriot's Day - I was really looking forward to that but couldnt connect with the characters so I was left a bit deflated, but I did enjoy the scene you spoke about towards the end.

I enjoyed that and will read more (I usually read from bottom to top with long threads). Thanks Cap Spaulding.



You can't win an argument just by being right!
Love the review of The Mummy (2017). You're 100% right
and not only right but really funny review.



Glad you liked Red Road! The titular high rise buildings were knocked down in 2015:



I liked Pop Star way more than i thought i would. The Bin Laden song and Ringo Starr's Cameo were the highlight for me, also cracked up at Snoop Dogg's coz it was unexpected. Feel like i should hate Andy Samberg for his super hyperactive and silly persona but i kinda love him for whatever reason.



Did the censoring of chainsaws only extend to titles, or were they blurred/cut from the films themselves? It's awesome that you actually owned a copy of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. That's why I'm disappointed by the lack of Drew Barrymore on the forum nowadays. You may not watch a ton of movies, but at least you watch the right ones.
As I remember it, it was titles mainly, though Texas Chainsaw Massacre wasn't banned, it was on the video nasties list and, therefore, not really available as it could be confiscated and destroyed.. I think there were a few chainsaw movies which were banned. Ditto cannibal movies, including The Cannibal Man, which didn't even have any cannibalism in it. Or so I'm told, I've not seen it. That's how stupid this whole thing was.



Awwww look at the ickle fluffy-wuffy bunny
Just read your Red Road review Cap (I only read reviews of fillums I've seen) and agree with just about every sentiment and gave it the same rating. My 'goldfish' memory had forgotten I had actually seen it before but then again that also worked in my favour as even though I remembered having watched it I couldn't remember any forks along the path .... of course repeat viewings for others with far more retentive brains may suffer a little but for me it was just as enjoyable second time around