The Joke Thread

It is cute! Thanks Susan!

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Its very cute Suzi Q

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

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"Believe me, the secret of the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously!"
-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, The Joyful Wisdom

Why Parents Drink.....

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Hello. Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

Ah, the Joke Thread! Good humor abounds...

Here's a recent Mary favorite:

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.



I've also built up quite the pirate joke treasury (so to speak) over the last few months. But that's another post (or five) for another day...

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You were a demon and a lawyer? Wow. Insert joke here."

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress -- $5000. Tux rental -- $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood-all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

I want to be a man

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

good one i have to translate:


sit down Mr Kermit, what i have to show you may result as a shock for you...

Attachments

 

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We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" to which she replied, "They're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?"

His grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed, you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline, and I gave him super glue."

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't freaking think so.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately he asks what
brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
Newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's
widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

Monday
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some
toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have
her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox.
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday
Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's.
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke.
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza.
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.

Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
Dinner - Steak, medium-rare, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto.
Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz?
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting your old room.

One day, a 8 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:

Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later)
Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see GOD?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed . The little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yes!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have One!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

1) Corporate Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.




2)
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

· jumping to conclusions,
· beating around the bush,
· running down the boss,
· going around in circles,
· dragging their feet,
· dodging responsibility,
· passing the buck,
· climbing the ladder,
· wading through paperwork,
· pulling strings,
· throwing their weight around,
· stretching the truth,
· bending the rules,
· and pushing their luck.