Lynchian 2016 in Film: Reviewed & Rated

One of many great slow-burn horror thrillers of 2016. I'm willing to say that The Witch is a modern near-masterpiece of not only the 'horror' genre, but modern filmmaking in general. The fact that this is David Eggers first feature film is astonishing, and I absolutely can't wait for whatever he does next.

This goes to places other films wouldn't dare to even hint at. The implications are many, and the more you think them over in your head, the more troubling and unsettling they become. The Witch conjures legit feelings of endless fear, disturbing provocations, and some truly unforgettable images that you will certainly want to wipe clean from your memory.

To say it merely gets under your skin would be to shortchange it; this one brands itself upon the spirit. Eggers knows just the right amount to feed the audiences, leaving one soaked in dread with much to discuss and process.

An expertly crafted bewitching experience that has been unfortunately wasted upon those lacking patience or even some intelligence. This is genuine horror in the classic sense, a type of cinema we rarely get anymore. Oh, and that glorious soundtrack! And those impeccable performances! And that perfect ending! And Black Phillip! I could go on...

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Recent Viewings (rewatches noted with an *)
Barbarian- (4/5)
Nope- (4.5/5)
Jurassic Park Dominion- 0.5/5
What Josiah Saw- (4.5/5)

It seems The Dark Knight was a bit a blessing and a curse to the comic book adaptation cinematic universe. As now it seems a sense of fun and humor has run dry when it comes to most of them. The only other one to get the dark tone right, in my opinion, is M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable (his unsung masterpiece, really.) Marvel seems to still have some life in it yet, but even they have succumbed to the dour comic adaptation syndrome. Just look at that depressing "movie" called F4ntastic Four-- or is it Fantastic 4our-- 4tastic 4? I don't even know anymore.

Batman v Superman is yet another bloated, lifeless, humorless, dreary, attempt at bringing "grit" and "realism" to a story about a flying alien man vs a regular old dude who happens to moonlight as a crime fighting guy in a bat suit. It's the battle of cape vs. cape, only there's not much of a battle going on. There's certainly an overly drawn out build up to the showoff, which lasts about 10 minutes. And then of course, they put their differences aside to battle a cgi monstrosity for what feels like three hours. {I didn't really spoil anything as it's in the damn trailer outright).

BvS is only a slight improvement over Man of Steel, as it seems Snyder took note of that film's criticism, especially the repercussions of the orgy of chaotic destruction that ended that first film. Snyder can also put together a thrilling action sequence or two (an early car chase involving the batmobile is coherently edited and exciting) it's just he doesn't know when to stop, and then your ass goes numb, and there's too much stuffing thrown in to the point that you've barely registered one moment when another bit of nonsense comes along to smack you over the head. Like all these ensemble comic flicks, it's overstuffed and unfocused. And just.too.much. Eisenberg gives everything he can to bring some energy to the proceedings, but as much as I like the guy, he's just sorely miscast and far from threatening. The rest of the cast is either wasted (Amy Adams, Holly Hunter) or bland and dull (Cavill, and regrettably Affleck.)

Snyder has never really been a great director, but I have liked some of his previous work-- Watchmen remains his crowning achievement, which also was long, and filled to the brim with characters, and pitch black, but he pulled it off and stayed true to the spirit of the graphic novel. BvS is simply a pale imitation. "Do you bleed?" Batman snarls at one point, I was too busy asking myself "Do I snore too loud?"

Watching a man getting pulled from the theater on a stretcher was far more involving and interesting than this film as a whole. Maybe this stuff just isn't my cup of tea anymore. Let's hope Suicide Squad gets it right.

I tried to have fun with Hail, Caesar! but I was too distracted by how much wasted talent was being presented on screen. This is the Coens in lightweight lark mode, which is all well and fine, but unfortunately it's more Intolerable Cruelty and The Ladykillers rather than the dark, hysterically pointless, Burn After Reading or their classic The Big Lebowski. The goings on become progressively tedious and depressingly humorless. The sparkling A-list cast are mostly reduced to glorified cameos, and even worse, not given anything of interest to do. In fact, this was the first Coen's film I ever walked out of, not because it was the absolute worst film I had seen. But simply because I just no longer cared and wasn't the least bit engaged.

This could have been a blast, but it's entirely forgettable, and a rare misstep from two of the greatest filmmakers working today.

Exactly, my theater was full of people who didn't speak English as a first language and people who wanted to see another Insidious or Sinister. People were rude and talking throughout the film just because they couldn't understand it, parents who brought their children to this film ended up leaving because the kids couldn't understand it either. I actually heard a Filipino mention to his wife something along the lines of "What are they saying? this is white people movie, lets go." before they took their 3 small children and left. By the end of the movie I think I was the only one who hadn't moved from their seat. You can kind of tell this by the rotten tomatoes score. The site gave the film 90% certified fresh, but out of the 29000 odd user ratings the film only has a 54% audience approval. The film as I see it, is definitely one for genre fans more than anything.

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Well, I've been gone a while due to my mother's health issues (she's doing well again.) I feel like I am always a bearer of bad tidings, but I do have a happy life. For the most part. THANKS WINE! Anyway, updates to come in 5 4 3 2 1 (hour)

thanks for the patience, as if anyone cares.

A BIGGER SPLASH

I honestly would have lost it and left myself just because of the insufferable audience. And who the **** brings a child to a film like this? Besides idiots.