The Joke Thread

Tools    





Now With Moveable Parts
I just heard a great joke. Patti sends me jokes all the time, so I know she'd like this thread, too. Anyhoo...I have to tell this joke.

A Mexican, and Irishman, and a Blonde guy, all work at the same construction site. They are sitting high up on some scaffolding, to eat lunch. The Mexican opens his lunch and says," Burritos again! Man, if I get burritos tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Irishman opens his lunch," Corned beef and cabbage, again? Man, if I get this in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off this building, too."

The Blonde opens his lunch," Bologna again? Man, if I get bologna tomorrow, I'm jumping too."

The next day all three men sit down to eat lunch.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees burritos, and jumps to his death.
The Irishman opens his lunch, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Blonde opens his lunch, sees bologna and jumps to his death.

At the funeral, all the wives are standing together weeping. The Mexican's wife says," If I had known he hated burritos so much, I'd have made him something else."

The Irishman's wife says," If I had known about the corned beef and cabbage; how much he hated it, I'd have made anything!" Both wives look at the Blonde Guy's wife," Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

Hee-Hee.



I ain't gettin' in no fryer!


I personally like this one:

Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead are up for execution. The Brunette goes first and the executioner asks if she has any last requests, she doesn't so he starts to yell "Ready, Aim--" just then the Brunette screams out, "Tornado!" and the Brunette escapes.

The Redhead is next, no last requests, "Ready, Aim--" then the Redhead screams out, "Earthquake!!" Redhead is gone.

Blonde is up, no last requests. "Ready, Aim--" blonde screams out "FIRE!!"
__________________
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work." - Mitch Hedberg



Now With Moveable Parts

Blonde jokes are the best! Here's one.

How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She was throwing out all the W's.

What's the difference between a blonde and a Porche?
Not everyone has been inside of a Porshe. Ooooooooooooo


Enough blonde jokes. Here's one of my favorites.

A blind guy walks into a bar with his dog. He takes the dog by the leash and starts swinging him around his head. The bartender runs over and shouts," What in the hell are you doing?"
Blind guy says," Havin' a look around."


A blind guy is walking his dog and comes to an innersection. The dog looks both ways and then crosses the street. The blind guy almost gets killed in the busy innersection. Tons of people on the opposite side of the street watch as cars swerve right and left to avoid hitting him. When he finally makes it to the other side, the blind man takes out a doggie treat. One of the the people that saw the whole thing says," Man, are you crazy?! That dog almost got you killied! You're rewarding him?!" The blind man says," I'm trying to find his face so I can kick his @ss."



In Soviet America, you sue MPAA!
Not so much a joke, and don't know how well it will be recieved but I have this in my profile on AIM:

I was making out with my girlfriend the other day, getting ready to have sex with her, when she asks me "Are you a pedophile?". So I said "thats a pretty big word for a 7 year old".
__________________
Horror's Not Dead
Latest Movie Review(s): Too lazy to keep this up to date. New reviews every week.



Now With Moveable Parts
That is just how I like my jokes, OG, nice and funny with a touch of disgusting and seasoned with wit. Thanks for sharing.



Sick.

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"



A classic...one of my all-time favorites:

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''



I ain't gettin' in no fryer!


Here's one, but I'm not totally sure if I remember it word for word..

A man is going on a business trip, to make sure his wife doesn't get bored while he's away, he stops at a sex shop to find her a toy.

The man looks around and sees something hanging on the wall, he asks the man working there what it is, and the man says, "It's a magical dildo". The husband asks what's magical about it and the man says, "It will go to wherever it's told simply by saying magical dildo and where you want it to go".

The husband asks to buy it and the man says, "Only if you're sure you can control it, as soon as you are done with it you must say magical dildo box". The husband says yes yes, I understand. So he buys it, takes it home to his wife and explains how it works.

The next day, the husband leaves and the wife starts to get bored, she decides to give the magical dildo a try so she says "magical dildo my pu**y", the magical dildo comes out of its box and goes to work. Right away the wife gets excited by it, but after a while she wants to stop it, she has forgotten the words to stop it however.

So she puts on some clothes and gets in her car to drive to the hospital. She is speeding, of course, and gets pulled over by a cop. She tries explaining the whole magical dildo thing but the cop isn't buying it. The cop looks at her and simply says, "magical dildo my a*s".



Mischief. Mayhem. Soap.
Man, I have some great ones, but I don't think that they're, erm...appropriate for you youngstas`
__________________
I am Jack's smirking revenge.



Originally posted by sadesdrk
A blind guy walks into a bar with his dog. He takes the dog by the leash and starts swinging him around his head. The bartender runs over and shouts," What in the hell are you doing?"
Blind guy says," Havin' a look around."

Mwaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa i'm laughing out loud sades.....even fell into a coughing fit!!
__________________
on dance seul, on dance seul.....



guy asks his doctor......."what should i do? my girlfriend has started smoking."

doc -"slow down, or use a better lubricant"




I ain't gettin' in no fryer!
Originally posted by Marcellus
Man, I have some great ones, but I don't think that they're, erm...appropriate for you youngstas`
And you think mine was!?



Now With Moveable Parts
Originally posted by patti
guy asks his doctor......."what should i do? my girlfriend has started smoking."

doc -"slow down, or use a better lubricant"

Short and sweet. Me likey!

I have this joke about some flight attendants and a black box. Don't think I can tell it here...but it's making me laugh thinking about it!



I ain't gettin' in no fryer!
Hmmmm...

Here's another one I thought of when Sadie mentioned the Flight Attendants and the Black Box...

A blonde gets on a plane and is not sitting in the right seat. The man boards who is supposed to sit on that seat and asks her to move, she won't.

The flight attendants ask her to move and still no luck, she will only reply with, "I'm going to California".

So finally, the pilot comes out and asks her to move, she replies with the same comment, so he leans over whispers something in her ear and all of a sudden her eyes get big, she jumps up and moves to the back.

One of the flight attendants asks what he told her and he says, "I told her this part of the plane wasn't going to California".

Kinda corny...



i think you'd have to be blond to find that joke funny, spud.



Fez Wizardo's Avatar
Um Bungo! Um Bungo!
This is long but absolutely ingenious (not sure if builder stereotype is the same - but you'll get the jist

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer getsthe better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !

Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope

Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker.



Now With Moveable Parts
That joke kills me! I LOVE it. Can't wait to tell it. Thanks for sharing Fez.



Fez Wizardo's Avatar
Um Bungo! Um Bungo!
I like this one too:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an M.B.A. from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! And, from there, you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?" said the Mexican?

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep and play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends."



Now With Moveable Parts
Aw. That one is cute.