The Joke Thread

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

Q: How did Pinocchio (sp? so sue me im drunk) find out he was made of wood?
A: His right hand caught on fire.

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Just back from my Alaskan cruise.
Highlights - art auctions at amazing prices, got my Divine Comedy original edition for the cost of the frame. All you can eat steak, lobster, shrimp, ribs... hmmmmm
Low points - Seen it all before not living too far from Alaska

Its amazing what a bit of friction can do

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got home and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,
"We need a new cuckoo clock," When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

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Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons.....for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

That was funny

SIXTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

birdy and fox...thanks for the funnies....

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the Doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "YOU'RE GONNA LENGTHEN HIS LEGS, AREN'T YOU ???"

Subject: PILOTS
>
>
> > Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to
> >leave.
> > > The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
> pilots'
> > > uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye
> dog,
> > > and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
> > >
> > > Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
> > > cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
> > > begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
> sign
> > > that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The
> plane
> > > moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows
> > > realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of
> the
> > > airport territory.
> > >
> > > As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that
> it
> > > will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at
> that
> > > moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
> > >
> > > The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they
> have
> > > all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that
> the
> > > plane is in good hands.
> > >
> > > Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You
> know,
> > > Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
> all
> > > gonna die. . ."

Making a Baby

The Smiths had no children, since Mr. Smith couldn't get it up, so they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. Good luck!"

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Top 10 Signs That You Are "Webbed Out"

10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed with IE " on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Priceless420.com" on your wedding day.

5. You are diving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the limsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page

2. So does your hamster.

... And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

Some funny pictures found online

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any cat lovers??? Here's some cute pictures found online

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Cute

i love the two teens for 5 dollars....thanks for posting them...

Why Is It So?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?