Do I rat on a friend?


Ok, this is an odd post admittedly but I think my anonymity here would be helpful.

Background: I have a female friend, who is quite attractive but her vacuity is so apparent -- at least to me. I never found her appealing in a romantic way. In any case, 6 years ago she found a timid but very smart PhD student to date. I didn't get the connection until I realized his meager experience. She complained continuously that he hasn't proposed or sped up his life for her. She's getting older (28) , she wants to buy a house , have kids - - and so on.

The situation: this girl messages me that she is so physically attracted to a man that she can't help herself. The man is someone she meets regularly at a lunch spot near her job. I simply told her to change her location until it subsides. She recently met up with me and said it's passed only to admit later that she gave him a blow job during lunch. Now he's texting her inappropriate pictures which she ostensibly abhors but secretly appreciates. She's asking me for advice, and I tell her to consider his feelings and empathize with him.

It's clear she won't tell her bf.. months have passed. She's still talking to the other guy.

I know I shouldn't do anything but if I were in his position I'd wanna know. If I am about to marry someone how I would I feel if they cheated and covered it up? It speaks to more than an impulsive lapse of judgment.

Any argument as to why I should tell him?

Do not interfere. If you have to do anything, try to get your friend to dump her boyfriend. She can sloot around all she wants, but there's little reason to be in a relationship while doing it.
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I think you only have an obligation to tell him if you know him independent of her. If he's a friend, too. If he's not, I would simply lean very heavily on her to confess. I don't know if you're willing to stop communicating with her for this, but making it a dealbreaker, friendship wise, would be understandable, and it might be enough to convince her to come clean. Because that's pretty bad. People's lives can be ruined by this sort of thing.

Yes. He just bought a ring and asked her parents for permission. Her parents told her , and ruined the surprise.

I actually don't know him outside of my friendship with her. She keeps insisting on having dinner with them but I'd feel like a third wheel so I keep my distance.

I am not sure if I'd completely break off all contact but I can see myself getting there at some point. After she said that, I honestly couldn't look at her the same as before. It was a representation of callousness and cruelty to someone you're supposed to love.

To be honest and to my own discredit, because of her good looks girls tend to give me more credit and attention when we're together. It's lead to positive outcomes. I know it's shallow and that meeting a good girl this way is unlikely, but it's helped me out a lot during difficult personal times. On another note, do you actually break ties with someone if they cheat on their bf/gf , even if it doesn't affect you.

If you "rat" on her, won't she break with you?
Yeah, I'd assume so and since I'm the only one she knows, she'd identify me pretty quickly. I just feel there's a great moral principle here.

You and this girl are obviously good friends...

So surely you'd be able to take her off to one side and explain to her, as the friend you are, what your concerns are for her future...

I wouldn't go for the straight out "telling her fiancÚ" route.
Just talk to her and explain what you're thinking, as a dear and caring friend.

There's 3 outcomes:

1. If she flips out, you'll get a true and definite answer as to what kind of person she can be deep down.

2. She agrees with you but carries on doing these things anyway, again, it'll give you an answer as to her true personality.

3. Hopefully though she'll agree, and do the right thing... in this case you'll get the answer that I think you'd prefer.

Either way, taking her off to one side should quash these feelings and thoughts you're having about someone you are obviously concerned about.
Originally Posted by doubledenim
Garbage bag people fighting hippy love babies.

Bots gotta be bottin'

I had a coworker who cheated on her husband and I have said nothing to the spouse. I felt it was their business and they will deal with it. Plus I did not know the guy nor did I socialize with her. But this is different. The woman who was cheating on her husband was also my supervisor at the time. So I did not want to piss her off. Had I been in different a situation, I would have been much more likely to have said something to them.

Now I believe that a person should make his/her own decisions and their own mistakes. So ultimately it should be her own decision. If she marries the bf, but still sees the guy on the side, yes I would end contact with her. Because I do not want to be around people like that.

I wouldn't rat because I'm more of a "to each his own" kind of person.
Yeah, there's no body mutilation in it

Morality is an illusion and certainly in this futile case.

You don't have to play God here. If the guy is too stupid to fall for her and if she wants to go through with all the cheating, that's their problem. He will find out at a certain point anyway. The situation will solve itself.
My motto is: interfere as less as possible in other people's business. Most of the time they don't even appreciate your concerns. Don't make their problems yours.

The only thing you can do, is telling the girl that she's not being fair to her boyfriend and that she has to make a decision, but in fact that's absolutely unnecessary. People will do what they want, anyhow.

will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
I wouldn't tell him no matter what.

But I also wouldn't be that interested in keeping a friendship with a woman like that. It doesn't sound like I would have much to talk to her about except hearing about her love life.
It reminds me of a toilet paper on the trees
- Paula

I think we all know that minding your own business has limits. You wouldn't say it if someone were planning to commit a crime. Or if they were planning to run out on their family suddenly, or something. The only question is whether or not actively cheating on someone they're about to marry rises to the necessary level. But there's no real universal principle that can be applied here--that's why it's a difficult question, and presumably why it was asked.

will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
I don't think I would tell if they were running out on their family. It is still none of my business. As for this case, about to marry seems to be a big question mark. This seeing this guy has been going on for months and she gave him a BJ and hasn't moved on from there. Has a date been set for the wedding or does she just have a ring on her finger? It sounds like one of those fuzzy engagements. My bet is they won't get married anyway. It would be more of a dilemma if she was involved in an all out affair and the wedding was being planned.

I think we all know that minding your own business has limits. You wouldn't say it if someone were planning to commit a crime. Or if they were planning to run out on their family suddenly, or something.
It depends on what the crime is. If it's murder, I totally agree with you, but this is obviously something completely different. This is really something between 'them' that has nothing to do with anyone else.

I'm not sure about the 'run out on their family' situation. I think that's another example of 'mind your own business and don't interfere'. Certainly if you're not a part of the family yourself.

planet news's Avatar
Registered User
isn't it normal for any relationship, even a marriage, to be tested in this way. it's part of what it means to be in a relationship with someone else. in that sense, it's up to the girl. sooner or later she will have to decide on her own whether or not to continue. if she decides to continue, that reflects on the nature of the original relationship.

It's not exactly a "test" if one person doesn't know it's happening, unless you're suggesting that the man deserves to be cheated on for being the kind of person who doesn't realize he's being cheated on.

As for the murder thing; sure, that's different, but I'm not sure I see the line, exactly. Is it your business when people harm others, or not? Does it have to be physical harm? What if they told you they already knew they didn't want to be with them and were going to specifically wait until the wedding day to tell them? What if they were going to steal something? I feel like the "mind your own business" response is kinda glib, and doesn't really shed much light on the quandry here. We all know that principle is not absolute, so where do you draw the line, and why?

will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
So what's the point of this thread then?

See When Harry Met Sally

will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
What if they told you they already knew they didn't want to be with them and were going to specifically wait until the wedding day to tell them?
Still none of my business.