Greatest Dialogue Exchanges Ever

Here are the ultimate two dialogue exchanges.


The Court Jester

Hawkins: I've got it! I've got it! The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?
Griselda: Right. But there's been a change: they broke the chalice from the palace!
Hawkins: They *broke* the chalice from the palace?
Griselda: And replaced it with a flagon.
Hawkins: A flagon...?
Griselda: With the figure of a dragon.
Hawkins: Flagon with a dragon.
Griselda: Right.
Hawkins: But did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?
Griselda: No! The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!
Hawkins: The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.
Griselda: Just remember that.

It's longer than that but that's all IMDB has. Great movie. If you don't know who Danny Kaye is, then you're nothing in my eyes.


Abbott and Costello

Naughty Nineties, The (1945)

The Entire 'Who's on First' Routine - Classic

Dexter Broadhurst: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Funny names?
Dexter Broadhurst: Nicknames. Nicknames.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Not -- not as funny as my name -- Sebastian Dinwiddie.
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Funnier than that?
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Dexter Broadhurst: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I don't Know is on third --
Sebastian Dinwiddle: You know the fellows' names?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, then, who's playin' first?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: The guy on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, what are you askin' me for?
Dexter Broadhurst: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
Dexter Broadhurst: That's the man's name!
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's who's name?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well, go ahead and tell me!
Dexter Broadhurst: Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: The guy on first.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: The first baseman.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Have you got a first baseman on first?
Dexter Broadhurst: Certainly.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then who's playing first?
Dexter Broadhurst: Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: When you pay the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Dexter Broadhurst: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who is?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: So who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who's wife?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes. After all the man earns it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who does?
Dexter Broadhurst: Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, no, no, What is on Second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Dexter Broadhurst: Well, don't change the players around.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not changing nobody.
Dexter Broadhurst: Now, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: What's the guy's name on first base?
Dexter Broadhurst: What's the guy's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: How could I get on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst: You mentioned his name.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Dexter Broadhurst: No, who's playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Stay offa first will ya?
Dexter Broadhurst: Well what do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
Dexter Broadhurst: What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst: He's on third.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: There I go back on third again.
Dexter Broadhurst: Well, I can't change their names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Say, will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter Broadhurst: Please. Now what is it you want to know?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: What is the fellow's name on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst: What is the fellow's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst, Sebastian Dinwiddle: Third base!
Sebastian Dinwiddle: You got an outfield?
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, sure.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: The left fielder's name?
Dexter Broadhurst: Why?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
Dexter Broadhurst: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who's playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Stay out of the infield.
Dexter Broadhurst: Don't mention any name out there.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.
Dexter Broadhurst: What is on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst: Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst: Now take it easy, take it east.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: And the left fielder's name?
Dexter Broadhurst: Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Because.
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Center Field.
Dexter Broadhurst: Pick up your hat. And stop this -- Now look, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?
Dexter Broadhurst: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Dexter Broadhurst: Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: You don't want to tell me today?
Dexter Broadhurst: I'm telling you man.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then go ahead.
Dexter Broadhurst: Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: What time?
Dexter Broadhurst: What time what?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Dexter Broadhurst: Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on --
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.
Dexter Broadhurst: Then why come up here and ask?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Dexter Broadhurst: What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I don't know.
Sebastian Dinwiddle, Dexter Broadhurst: Third base!
Sebastian Dinwiddle: You gotta catcher?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: The Catcher's name?
Dexter Broadhurst: Today.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Today. And tomorrow's pitching.
Dexter Broadhurst: Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.
Dexter Broadhurst: Well I can't help that. Alright. What do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Gotta catcher?
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I'm a good catcher too you know.
Dexter Broadhurst: I know that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Dexter Broadhurst: Well I might arrange that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy bunts the ball.
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who.
Dexter Broadhurst: Now, that's the first thing you've said right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
Dexter Broadhurst: Well, that's all you have to do.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Is to throw it to first base.
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now who's got it?
Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who has it?
Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: O.K.
Dexter Broadhurst: Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: O.K.
Dexter Broadhurst: Alright.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I said.
Dexter Broadhurst: You did not.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
Dexter Broadhurst: No. You throw the ball to first base --
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Then who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I'm saying.
Dexter Broadhurst: You're not saying that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Excuse me folks.
Dexter Broadhurst: It's alright. I'm sorry folks.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst: Naturally. Well say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: That's what I'm saying.
Dexter Broadhurst: Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I throw the ball to first base.
Dexter Broadhurst: Then Who gets it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: He better get it.
Dexter Broadhurst: That's it. Alright now don't get excited. Take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Hmmph.
Dexter Broadhurst: Hmmph.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Dexter Broadhurst: Uh-huh.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I Don't know. I Don't know throws it back to Tomorrow -- a triple play.
Dexter Broadhurst: Yeah. It could be.
Sebastian Dinwiddle: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know. And I don't care.
Dexter Broadhurst: What was that?
Sebastian Dinwiddle: I said, I DON'T CARE.
Dexter Broadhurst: Oh, that's our shortstop!

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I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

From Resevoir Dogs:

Joe: ( pointing at each of the men) Mr. Brown, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr. Orange, Mr. Pink.

Mr. Pink: Why am I Mr. Pink?

Joe: cause you're a ******.

Mr.Pink: Why can't we pick our own colors?

Joe: I tried that once. You get four guys fightin' over who gets to be Mr. Black. Scince nobody knows anybody else, nobody wants to back down. So forget it. I pick. Be thankful you're not Mr. Yellow.

Mr.Brown: Yeah, but Mr. Brown, that's too close to Mr. S***.

Mr.White: Who cares what your name is? Mr. Pink, Mr. Purple-

Mr.Pink: Oh, that's real easy for you to say, you're Mr. White. You gotta cool-soundin' name. So tell me Mr. White, if you think "Mr. Pink" is no big deal, wanna trade?

Joe: ( a lot of cursing) ...it's either my way or the highway! Now what's it gonna be Mr, Pink?

Mr. Pink: I'm Mr. Pink, let's move on.

I'm not going to explain mine, but I'm sure it needs no explanation..

Chuck Noland(Hanks) and Wilson(The Volleyball) in Cast Away

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"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work." - Mitch Hedberg

I love David Mamet and the exchanges of diaolgue that hey gives his characters.


GLENGARRY GLENROSS
Blake: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close ****, *you are* ****, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going *out*.
Shelley Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: "The leads are weak." The ******* leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years...
Dave Moss: What's your name?
Blake: **** you! That's my name!
[Moss laughs.]
Blake: You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. *That's* my name.

plus tons more exchanges from Movies that David Mamet has written

Wag the Dog (1997)
The Spanish Prisoner (1997)
The Edge (1997)
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Homicide (1991)
House of Games (1987)
Things Change (1988)
The Verdict (1982)
The Untouchables (1987)
________
How to roll a blunt

i really liked the back and forth humor between woody allen and helen hunt in the curse of the jade scorpion, thats what made that movie funny.

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"Who comes at 12:00 on a Sunday night to rent Butch Cassady and the Sundance Kid?"
-Hollywood Video rental guy to me

There's no question in my mind Mamet and tarrintino are the masters of dialouge. They write like people actually talk. Overlapping and interruptions. They might write a tad smarter than people are, but I have no problems believing Harvey Keitel in Resevoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction. I have no problem believing that Alec Baldwin's character is really that much of an @sshole. The writing makes it what it is, and it's the actors that make it so.

I would also say that Kevin Smith is a master of dialogue.
What makes a master of dialogue anyway?

_____


"Don't choose drugs. Don't choose death. Choose love. Choose life. Choose living. CHOOSE LIFE."

"That was ripped straight out of Trainspotting "

"Yeah. I know."

"Well...we're not in the business of ripping people off."

"I am."

"Yeah, well, I know YOU are. But me. I've got integrity."

"Pft. Integrity."

Dialogue exchange from upcoming project, my own. Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou.

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www.esotericrabbit.com

That sounds sort of Smith-esque to me. Anyway, I think some of his dialogue is truly hilarious (it's not deep to me...it's just funny and interesting, really)...but I also have to say that some of it is just annoying. Swearing and making jokes about penises DOES get old after awhile. I still think Brodie's analysis of Superman and the geographical limitations of the food court would have to be Smith's best.

Han: (To Chewie) How's this?
Leia: Would it help if I got out and pushed?
Han (with that absolutely KILLING look): It might.

The dialogue in the first three SW movies may not be the most well-written or witty, but it IS funny at times....thanks mostly to Harrison's Ford deliveries. That guy is the best thing that happened to those films.

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Everything is destined to reappear as simulation.
Jean Baudrillard
America, 1988

Well thankyou for THAT compliment!!
I actually go about the whole home grown film in much of the same way Smith does, writing, directing, with a small cast of friends which get "reused" over and over again. I have my own Jay and Silent Bob, Jesse and Wilbur -- although I must stress they were around before I knew of J&SB.

A dialogue exerpt from Smashed:

Alana: Doesn't six months together mean anything to you?!
Jesse: Ah. Yeah....

Long pause. Tension fills the air.

Jesse: (cautiously) Lots.

Myrna Loy : How'd you like to swim in the moonlight?
William Powell : Swim?
Myrna Loy : Later on. You do swim?
William Powell : Yes. Almost as well as I dance.
Myrna Loy : Then you'll drown.

from Libeled Lady (1936)

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"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."- Groucho Marx

WARNING! (Swearing up the "ying yang", and I'll pull it if too many kids show up.)



This one's dirty, but it's clean enough to keep up.

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page

The beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey . Really thought-out dialogue!

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"Like the fella says...in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock!"
- Harry Lime, Vienna, 1948

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His Girl Friday, from the first word to the last.

in any given sunday, al pacino and jamie fox goin at it at the dinner table was pretty good

Tombstone
Johnny Ringo, thinking it's Wyatt Earp: Well... I didn't think you had it in you...
Doc Holliday, stepping out of the shadows: I'm your Huckleberry. Why, Johnny Ringo, you look like somebody just... walked over your grave...
Johnny Ringo, bricking it: Fight's not with you, Holliday...
Doc Holliday: Oh, well I beg to differ sir, we started a game we never got to finish... we play for blood, remember?
Johnny Ringo, inches from death: I was just foolin' about...
Doc Holliday, with a Cheshire Cat smile: I wasn't.

Wyatt Earp: He's drunk.
Doc Holliday: In vino veritas...
Johnny Ringo: Age quod agis!
Doc Holliday: Credat Judeaus apella, non ego.
Johnny Ringo: Eventus stultorum magister.
Doc Holliday: In pace requiescat...

Billy Clanton: You're so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seein' double...
Doc Holliday: Well I've got two guns... one for each of ya...

Frank McClaury, aiming at Doc: I got you now you son of a bitch!
Doc Holliday, smiling brightly: You're a daisy if you do...

I totally agree!

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His Girl Friday Don't miss a minute of the dialouge in this film!

basically anything from casablanca