Thanks for the reply, first bit of real criticism I've gotten on it.
As for the questions you raise (which were all good and again, my thanks
):
The length of it (screen time wise):
Honestly, when I wrote it I never really thought about filming it. I have it completely envisioned in my mind if it were a movie (as I do with everything I write, it's just how I think of things these days), but those weren't my original intentions. I was going to write it as just a plain short story, but at this point I just prefer writing scripts. I actually discussed the possibilities of filming it with my buddy at a party last night and he thought it wouldn't be too hard to secure the sets (which was largely the only thing holding back my intentions of filming). So ya never know. If I were to put it to film 15 minutes or so would be the length I'd shoot for (though with the material in the script as is, it'd need expanding). I actually don't think that, given the actors I have as resources, I could do it justice on film right now. But we'll see. Maybe this summer as a precursor to my bigger project.
As for proofreading, I was planning on finding someone to actually hit it up for my shortcommings. I ran it over briefly, but that was about it.
Funny you should mention their conversation seems to juvenile, because essentially it is a homogenization of conversations my girlfriend and I would have laying in bed (I've even bought her a star). Granted, we're bottom line of 20, but yes it is rather lacking of some maturity. I kind of felt that altering that would isolate alot of the sweetness in it, but that is most likely coming from me just knowing it is me and my gal.
The News of her conditon:
I had in my mind Adam being very animated, but I didn't put it in the script because I did have it in my mind. But since I am going to be entering it, I will put some more descriptive areas in there.
Surgery:
This is actually something I did think about when I was first writing, but honestly was too lazy to alter initially. You're the first person to comment on it. It really isn't plausible that she would already be in casts and alone in an ICU room. So yah...I'll change that.
The Doctor:
This could use some more expansion as well, as you pointed out. I'll work in some dialogue about how the police officer may have explained it to the doctor or possibly have a police officer be there as well?
Adam's final reaction and our views on him:
His final reaction is rather weak in the scope of everything he has just seen. So, again, I'll expand on that some more. As for the audiences/readers take on Adam...I don't want them to feel superior. Ideally they would sympathize for him, at least I would, because in the end...he did do this to himself, but he was dumb and didn't think of the repercussions of his actions.
I was explaining it to Mark (my film partner) last night at said party (bastard hasn't even gotten around to reading it after a month or so of me writing it) and he got very depressed at the end because he said it further solidified something he had been thinking of recently, which was that everyone in this world gets one shot at true happiness, one shot with the love of their life and if they blow it, that's it; you're screwed. I hadn't thought of it in those terms, though that was an undercurrent of the whole thing.
Oh, and if you hear her laughing at the end, then you Sir. are more sadistic than I am...and that is a feat right there.