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3 Ninjas
Who else remembers that weird and brief period of time in the 90s where Hollywood fell in love with karate and ninjas, especially white kids that practiced either one. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles , The Karate Kid and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers started the trend and the rest that followed is all crap. Beverly Hills Ninja wasn’t good even when I was a kid. The little known or remembered Warriors of Virtue (think TMNT but with Kangaroos) may hold up well but who knows. The last two TMNT movies are also ****ing terrible and tough to watch. I could list more TV shows that rip off Power Ranger and TMNT that also suck but you all lives to get back to. As much of a train wreck as the third TMNT was, this is just as awful if not worst.
Similar to the third TMNT movie this movie was basically made by a bunch of dudes that were high off their asses and dint give a **** about making sense. This movie makes little sense at all. I’m pretty sure the writers had no idea what being a ninja even entailed. Ninjas usually lurk in the darkness and attack out of surprise. Not here though. These dumb inept nitwits will come charging right at you in the middle of the day. The ninjas here don’t operate on any sort of stealth level at all. In fact they will come running directly at you right out of a limo. Yes that is something that happens in this movie. So yeah the ninjas here are terrible. The lack of ninja sense isn’t even the dumbest ****ing thing going on here. No no no that award goes to the fact that the grandpa is a old Japanese man and the grand kids are the whitest kids the 90s could imagine. Outside of the grandfather there isn't even a hint of Japanese in any of sort of way in this family. If they had maybe made the mom somewhat Japanese looking even a little bit this would be fine but no the mom in this movie is as white as the cocaine on the executives desk that green lit this movie. On top of this movie making no ******* sense whatsoever the characters suck as well.
One more thing about these so called “ninjas”. They will be forever be the most inept and incompetent ninjas in the history of any sort of media. These dudes get the ever loving **** kid out of them by 3 kids who have just begun training in karate and a Japanese man with half a eye closed. These ninjas are even carrying machine guns instead of swords and still somehow lose. Dude use the machine gun and kill the bastards. If you have a god damn machine gun then use it. Even if you don’t kill the kids and old guy, at the the very least you might hit them and stop them from punching you in the gut. Hell fire off your gun once and those kids would get scared real ****ing quick and they would stop all this karate bull**** and go home and do their god damn homework.
It should come at no shock to any poor soul who has set their eyes on this turd fest, but the writing, characters and actors suck. The acting here ****iinnggg suuccckkkk. Outside of Victor Wong who at least had Big Trouble Little China (great ****ing movie by the way and the theme song is a ****ing banger son) to his credit. No one else ever did anything with their lives. The bad guy is so ****ing corny and over the top its obnoxious. Him and his stupid pony tail can go **** themselves. Mr Ponytail (not his actual name but I didn’t care enough to remember it) even goes “Man I love being the bad guy”, oh jesus christ come on how badly can you write for a character. The dad may be the most absentee dad in the history of the world. He doesnt give two ****s about his kids and he is never around. He clearly never wanted kids and would rather be anywhere else then with them. The three burnout henchman guys and their super annoying 90s lingo were maddening. These dudes were prime examples of why drugs are bad. The three little white ninja kids also really suck. All of them are annoying as **** and I was really wishing one of these ninjas connected on their kicks and knocked one of the kids out. Man how ****ing hilarious would it have been to see a full grown ninja punt a stupid 10 year old in his face, and launch the kid across the room. They also decided it was good idea to rip off Home Alone. While they are fighting the stupid pothead henchman they use some oil on the floor to trip them up and some jelly beans for them to slip and fall. They didn’t want to be a total rip off and swapped the marbles out for jelly beans. If you are gonna be a third rate 90s kids movie then you might as well copy every popular movie you can. Overall there is no characters that you want to succeed in this movie.
Overall this movie is awful, corny and funny as hell. It was a pretty fun to watch to be honest, even though I know I just **** all over it. It may be a slight overkill with the fact that they made 3 more of these ****ing terrible movies but what the **** do I know. If you want a real good movie then avoid this at all ****ing costs. If you want to have some stupid fun watching dumb ****, then hope aboard this **** show and enjoy the movie. Being higher then giraffe nuts may make it a even better watch. 3.5/10
3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain
You know a movie is gonna suck monkey nuts when its based in a theme park. Jaws 3-D (being in 3D also didn’t make it any better), Beverly Hills Cop 3, maybe being the third movie probably didn’t help either, are both low points in those franchises. This movie just has so many warning signs that it’s gonna ****ing eat ass. 1) it stars Hulk Hogan. Its a rule of thumb that if Hulk Hogan is gonna be in a movie that is gonna be 24 inches of python **** (get it because he used to always brag about his muscle size in all the time in his promos, if you don’t know then go down the rabbit hole of mid 80s wrestling promos and get educated fool). 2) Jim “Ernest” Varney is also in it. Sorry Eddie but he has never been in a good movie outside of his voice being in Toy Story. Although some hoe he might be the only decent actor here. 3) its the fourth ****ing movie in this god forsaken franchise.
Again the acting hasn’t gotten any better, even with a whole new set of kids playing the characters. What kind of lame ******* do you have to be to try and rob a damn theme park. Really anything to do with the park is trash. The evil lady using the rides to torture people is dumb and the three little ****s defeating the bad guys using the park to their advantage, is somehow even dumber. The new kid who plays Rocky made a good decision to stop acting because he is bad at it. At one point Rocky goes “we are out numbered and outmatched”, hey dumbo you have gone through this **** on three separate occasions, you are well prepared to deal with bull**** that somehow always follows your family. Again the ninjas here are terrible and lame but that really shouldn’t shock anyone at this point. I have no idea why the Hulkster is even in this movie because he really doesn’t serve a purpose at all.
All in all this movie is not good at all. Yeah there is some fun in watching it and making jokes about the awfulness but its not the original. There is no need to watch any of these movies to be honest but if some dumb reason you do, just watch the first one because the rest suck. 2/10
Who else remembers that weird and brief period of time in the 90s where Hollywood fell in love with karate and ninjas, especially white kids that practiced either one. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles , The Karate Kid and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers started the trend and the rest that followed is all crap. Beverly Hills Ninja wasn’t good even when I was a kid. The little known or remembered Warriors of Virtue (think TMNT but with Kangaroos) may hold up well but who knows. The last two TMNT movies are also ****ing terrible and tough to watch. I could list more TV shows that rip off Power Ranger and TMNT that also suck but you all lives to get back to. As much of a train wreck as the third TMNT was, this is just as awful if not worst.
Similar to the third TMNT movie this movie was basically made by a bunch of dudes that were high off their asses and dint give a **** about making sense. This movie makes little sense at all. I’m pretty sure the writers had no idea what being a ninja even entailed. Ninjas usually lurk in the darkness and attack out of surprise. Not here though. These dumb inept nitwits will come charging right at you in the middle of the day. The ninjas here don’t operate on any sort of stealth level at all. In fact they will come running directly at you right out of a limo. Yes that is something that happens in this movie. So yeah the ninjas here are terrible. The lack of ninja sense isn’t even the dumbest ****ing thing going on here. No no no that award goes to the fact that the grandpa is a old Japanese man and the grand kids are the whitest kids the 90s could imagine. Outside of the grandfather there isn't even a hint of Japanese in any of sort of way in this family. If they had maybe made the mom somewhat Japanese looking even a little bit this would be fine but no the mom in this movie is as white as the cocaine on the executives desk that green lit this movie. On top of this movie making no ******* sense whatsoever the characters suck as well.
One more thing about these so called “ninjas”. They will be forever be the most inept and incompetent ninjas in the history of any sort of media. These dudes get the ever loving **** kid out of them by 3 kids who have just begun training in karate and a Japanese man with half a eye closed. These ninjas are even carrying machine guns instead of swords and still somehow lose. Dude use the machine gun and kill the bastards. If you have a god damn machine gun then use it. Even if you don’t kill the kids and old guy, at the the very least you might hit them and stop them from punching you in the gut. Hell fire off your gun once and those kids would get scared real ****ing quick and they would stop all this karate bull**** and go home and do their god damn homework.
It should come at no shock to any poor soul who has set their eyes on this turd fest, but the writing, characters and actors suck. The acting here ****iinnggg suuccckkkk. Outside of Victor Wong who at least had Big Trouble Little China (great ****ing movie by the way and the theme song is a ****ing banger son) to his credit. No one else ever did anything with their lives. The bad guy is so ****ing corny and over the top its obnoxious. Him and his stupid pony tail can go **** themselves. Mr Ponytail (not his actual name but I didn’t care enough to remember it) even goes “Man I love being the bad guy”, oh jesus christ come on how badly can you write for a character. The dad may be the most absentee dad in the history of the world. He doesnt give two ****s about his kids and he is never around. He clearly never wanted kids and would rather be anywhere else then with them. The three burnout henchman guys and their super annoying 90s lingo were maddening. These dudes were prime examples of why drugs are bad. The three little white ninja kids also really suck. All of them are annoying as **** and I was really wishing one of these ninjas connected on their kicks and knocked one of the kids out. Man how ****ing hilarious would it have been to see a full grown ninja punt a stupid 10 year old in his face, and launch the kid across the room. They also decided it was good idea to rip off Home Alone. While they are fighting the stupid pothead henchman they use some oil on the floor to trip them up and some jelly beans for them to slip and fall. They didn’t want to be a total rip off and swapped the marbles out for jelly beans. If you are gonna be a third rate 90s kids movie then you might as well copy every popular movie you can. Overall there is no characters that you want to succeed in this movie.
Overall this movie is awful, corny and funny as hell. It was a pretty fun to watch to be honest, even though I know I just **** all over it. It may be a slight overkill with the fact that they made 3 more of these ****ing terrible movies but what the **** do I know. If you want a real good movie then avoid this at all ****ing costs. If you want to have some stupid fun watching dumb ****, then hope aboard this **** show and enjoy the movie. Being higher then giraffe nuts may make it a even better watch. 3.5/10
3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain
You know a movie is gonna suck monkey nuts when its based in a theme park. Jaws 3-D (being in 3D also didn’t make it any better), Beverly Hills Cop 3, maybe being the third movie probably didn’t help either, are both low points in those franchises. This movie just has so many warning signs that it’s gonna ****ing eat ass. 1) it stars Hulk Hogan. Its a rule of thumb that if Hulk Hogan is gonna be in a movie that is gonna be 24 inches of python **** (get it because he used to always brag about his muscle size in all the time in his promos, if you don’t know then go down the rabbit hole of mid 80s wrestling promos and get educated fool). 2) Jim “Ernest” Varney is also in it. Sorry Eddie but he has never been in a good movie outside of his voice being in Toy Story. Although some hoe he might be the only decent actor here. 3) its the fourth ****ing movie in this god forsaken franchise.
Again the acting hasn’t gotten any better, even with a whole new set of kids playing the characters. What kind of lame ******* do you have to be to try and rob a damn theme park. Really anything to do with the park is trash. The evil lady using the rides to torture people is dumb and the three little ****s defeating the bad guys using the park to their advantage, is somehow even dumber. The new kid who plays Rocky made a good decision to stop acting because he is bad at it. At one point Rocky goes “we are out numbered and outmatched”, hey dumbo you have gone through this **** on three separate occasions, you are well prepared to deal with bull**** that somehow always follows your family. Again the ninjas here are terrible and lame but that really shouldn’t shock anyone at this point. I have no idea why the Hulkster is even in this movie because he really doesn’t serve a purpose at all.
All in all this movie is not good at all. Yeah there is some fun in watching it and making jokes about the awfulness but its not the original. There is no need to watch any of these movies to be honest but if some dumb reason you do, just watch the first one because the rest suck. 2/10
