The MoFo Script Game

I have always wanted to try this. I will start off with a scene and we can see where this goes....not much of a writer, but let's see how out of control this can get, because I am quite bored as we speak!




The man with the hourglass walked down the snow covered street with his swim trunks in one hand and oven mitt in the other. There was no need for subtlety, because he knew this day would live in infamy.

"GIVE ME MY PARROT!" he shouts ferociously at the home of an elderly couple known as the Sternellis. To this day no one knows why their front porch is covered in charcoal, and, to be honest, no one wants to.....







I never said this would not be the stupidest thread ever

Mrs. Sternelli's mind gave way to panic. Mr. Sternelli was expecting parrot for dinner and there was no telling what he would do to her if she couldn't catch the bird.

The man in the swim trunks was furiously trying to pluck Louis from the sky. Mrs. Sternelli began to hope. She was far to old and fat to catch the vile parrot, but if the man should accomplish the feat; well, she knew how to deal with him. Yes, she knew exactly what she would do then.

Mr. Sternelli manuvered his wheelchair to the front door. He was a proud man, but not so proud he wouldn't ask large breasted women directions to the marijuana clinic.

"Shut up! I am trying to watch Wheel of Fortune!"

"I hate you!" Mrs. Sterinell shook her fist at the haunched old man. "You took my virginity!"

"That was fifty years ago!"

__________________
It reminds me of a toilet paper on the trees
- Paula

'Zelda!'

Mrs. Sternelli froze, her fist in midair. Only the bloated wrinkly skin hanging from her upper arm continued to wobble.

Mr. Sternelli stared at his wife, horrified, knowing precisely what she was thinking.

'I....I told you,' Mrs Sternelli stammered, her lips pursed. 'That name was never to be uttered in this house again....'

'But I didn't say anyth.....'

'Zelda!' rang out once more.

The Sternellis looked up. The red parrot was perched in the sooty rafters of their porch, like a scarlet letter mailed from the murky shadows of their long, shared past.

"I have came to you after all these years in a different form. Now that the hourglass has shattered, time is on my side. The Crimson Prince is on his way here from many, MANY yesterdays away, and your false prophets and spinning wheel tv shows cannot save you this time......ZELDA!"

The red parrot exploded into a soot-like crimson mist, only leaving behind a small index card with five barely legible words sprawled in a chicken scratch manner......


TIME IS NOT A FACTOR.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Sam Shakespeare decided he had never seen a more beautiful woman, not even in Playboy. Or taller. Her head almost touched the ceiling in his tiny closet sized office. It was the best he could afford. There didn't seem much demand anymore for a private investigator specializing in the paranormal. Everybody these days just wanted to find celebrity sex videos or info on the best way to remaster them to DVD. Lifting the curse off the portable potty of King Tutti Frutti, that was his meat, or huriling lower class demons back into the fiery pits of Hell.

"Find her," sobbed the blonde, or brunette, redhead, or...pinkette? Sam wasn't sure. The top of her head kept morphing into different shapes, shades and colors, as if it was flashing neon instead of hair. In fact, as Sam looked closer, he was pretty sure it was.

"Find who?"

The woman provocatively lifted her left leg up on Sam's desk, giving Sam a clear view of the Grand Canyon, or was it Forest Lawn?

"My sister, Zelda. Zelda Sternelli."

Tears began to run down his cheeks. Not from any sort of emotional response, but the lady's bearded clam was suffering from serious food poisoning.

"Of all the dames in all the world this one had to step into my office." he thought to himself.

"Okay I will take the case, just lower your leg for God's sake or I will have to fumigate my office!"

After the woman with the flashing neon hair had left his office, Sam poured himself a double from his stash of Knappogue Castle 1951. He had bested it from a transsexual leprechaun in a high stakes game of scrabble that time in Dublin.

Doc kept insisting that Sam should quit drinking. "You're taking years off your life, Sam. I don't know how many you have left." is what he'd say. What the hell did Doc know? He was a good dog, but when it came to good Irish whiskey, the dog knew nothing.

Sam didn't have much to go on. The toliet in his office was pretty small.

He didn't have any leads either.

Suddenly his office door burst open. A huge dragon in a trenchcoat wearing a fedora tried to burn him. Sam grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the flame. The dragon tried to render San unconsciuos by pulverizing Sam with his tail. But Sam got hold of it and gave it a hard twist.

"Owwwww!" moaned the dragon.

Sam was mad now. The dragon had made it personal. Sam couldn't afford fire insurance.

The Dragon's name was Puff... he lived in Honah Lee and had a family. His wife Mary and two sons, Peter and Paul.

They lived by the sea and Sam knew that the personal battle now erupting between him and the Dragon would only be resolved by travelling by boat with billowed sail to Honah Lee and talking with Puff's family.

But along the way, he met with Pirates.

__________________

This is more like a book than a script since screenplays have no narration and hardly any literary element but carry on

Sam twisted the dragon's tail again.

'Stop!' screamed the dragon. 'Please stop!'

'There's only two things I can't stand,' Sam sneered, deftly flicking a Lucky Strike between his lips with his free hand. 'Broads with bad hygiene ... and fedoras.'

'Please!' pleaded the dragon. 'I'll get rid of the fedora!'

'Not good enough,' said Sam, lighting the cigarette with his Zippo, the one possession he refused to pawn. 'Now you have to fly me back in time.'

The pirates were not your typical bread. They wore business suits, had weapons from office supplies and sang songs about accounting. Sam's boat was ravaged by the accounting pirates, but they did help him save much more money on his taxes and set up a Roth IRA for his son who was living with his ex wife. After Sam gave the name of the Carnival cruise she was traveling on with their pool boy Javier, the accounting pirates sailed into the sunset

Sam had always had the uncanny ability to co-exist in parallel universes - sometimes three or four at once. That's what made him the Number One Space-Time Detective.

After returning from the pirate parallel world he forced the fedora wearing dragon to fly him back to the year 1955 to find Zelda Sternelli

Sam jumped onto the dragon's back, carefully nestling between two razor-sharp spines.

Doc the Shaggy Dachshund jumped onto Sam's head.

Sam reached into the secret compartment in his Zippo, pulled out a tab of high-grade LSD that his previous client had given him as part of a barter arrangement and placed the hallucinogen in his eyeball.

Doc sighed dramatically. "Is that stuff really necessary, Sam?"

"It is if you don't want me flying off into different dimensions. You know how I get around dragons." Sam snapped back.

"Yes, and I know how you are on LSD." Doc was worried. He knew things were about to get really interesting.

The dragon then took flight. They were somewhere outside Barstow, when the drugs began to take hold. Sam looked into the sky and was shocked to see giant winged creatures flying above them! The dragon wanted to stop for a burrito when Sam yelled,

WAIT! WE CAN'T STOP HERE! THIS IS BAT COUNTRY!

'Bats, shmats!' yelled Doc, bending his head down into Sam's face so his voice wouldn't get carried away by the racing wind.

Sam looked up into the abyss of Doc's inverted nostrils, screamed and dived off the dragon's back, half a mile above the ground.

Luckily, Sam had a magic feather he acquired when he worked a case for Mario Mario...

... and he used it to guide himself gently to the ground.

But on landing... he found that...