The MoFo Script Game

Doc and the dragon were waiting for him outside a truck stop, leaning up against a 1950s flat-bed Ford.

The dragon spewed a long stream of brown snuff-filled spittle onto the pavement.

'Well, this is it. 1955.'

Sam's eyes widened at the sight of the brown spit. He felt himself being drawn into the vortex of a raging, muddy river. He ran wildly in the direction of the oncoming traffic.

Doc chased Sam and, to subdue him, bit him hard in the hamstring and took him down.

Sam found himself in an endlless void of nothingness. In the distance he saw a brilliant, all consuming light, like it was a million suns. He walked toward it, then stopped, a strange foreboding made him uncertain to proceed.

A voice called out to him.

"Sammy."

He recognized it immediately,

"Mom?"

"Come to the light, son."

"Why?"

"There is a nice girl here I want you to meet."

Sam turned away and walked back. Mom's attempts to play matchmaker always ended in disaster.

__________________
It reminds me of a toilet paper on the trees
- Paula

'Wait, Sam.....Her name is Zelda.'

Sam spun around.

'Zelda?'

'Sure. Zelda Sternelli. You know the Sternellis. The chimney sweep couple from down the road.'

Sam now realized that his mother had arrived from one of his parallel universes to help him sniff out the dame, to help him solve his case.

"Well where is she now?" Said Sam

"I just told you jackass! Down the road already! Why do you have to make it so hard for your mother and not have a wife? You are well past 30 and single, and I want grand kids! You better get your ..."

Sam dashed away from the light as fast as he could. Sam came too back on the side walk. There was a large bite mark where Doc bit him, he had a wicked head ache, and some time between the traffic and the awakening he had wet himself. His dignity had been shattered and his head felt like it was too. Fortunately he was alive and relativity unharmed.

"How do you feel?" said Doc

"I feel like a puppy who had been raped by a bulldozer" said Sam

Doc looked at him with a look on his puppy dog face that said he was not amused.

"Sorry poor choice of words." Said Sam as he reached for the aspirin in his coat pocket next to his flask filled with gin.

"I forgot what happened to your uncles cousin twice removed. Anyways I know where our dame is now."

*********************************

Back at The Sternellis' home, Zelda Sternelli was busy murdering her husband.

"You let that bird get out," she said sternly to Frederico Sternelli as she duct taped his mouth, using the roll of tape to wrap more tightly around and around his fat head. He sat in his wheelchair facing the television where Wheel of Fortune was playing, but he wasn't going anywhere -- Zelda had stabbed arrows through his hands and slashed his legs and feet using a machete. His hands were going next.

She raised her machete high in the air and chopped off those big Italian mitts of his. He screamed in agony through his duct tape. Now he wouldn't be able to maneuver his wheelchair.

Zelda reached down and picked up his severed hands, which she dangled in front of his face as she smiled the biggest smile she had ever made.

"See these?" she said, wiggling them. She tossed them across the room into a fireplace. Frederico did not see them go in.

Now for the head.

"I'm bored," Zelda said. She swung the machete and chopped Frederico's head clean off. It rolled on the ground like an old, beat up soccer ball fixed up with duct tape.

Blood came spraying up from Frederico's neck like a fountain. Zelda washed her machete with the blood -- her grandmother had once said that blood was purifying and washed away sins.

Zelda, fed up with the fact that her ******* husband's body was still with her, pushed the wheelchair containing the rest of him down to the ground where it emptied the rest of the contents of Frederico Sternelli's body. Zelda smiled again. No more sass for her. No more errors. No more demands. No more violence. She was a free woman once again.

She spit at Frederico's corpse and told it that dinner was almost ready. When dinner was finally ready -- missing the bird, of course, since it got away -- she brought a tray of food to Frederico's body and spilled it all over what was left of him.

"Go pick up your head and go retrieve your hands, Frederico. Supper's ready!"

She ate alone in the dining room. No TV. No voices. Just pure, wonderful silence. That bird was gone, too. She was in heaven.

But not for long.

She remembered the man holding a bathing suit or wearing it, she wasn't sure, her memory wasn't what it once was.

What did she do with him?

Oh, yes.

In the laundry room, down in the basement.

She walked down the underlit stairs.

What a pretty sight, to see his head rolling inside the glass window of the machine. The head had gotten so muddy when she split it from its body and Mrs. Spernelli kept a tidy home. The head needed to be spotless when she mounted it on her wall.

Zelda put her hands on her ample hips in triumph. Everything would be perfect if only she could find the one who turned her into this fat old woman and made her marry that parrot eating, wheelchair bound mad man. She had to find the turtle god. But where?

She had a feeling.....but she knew the answer lie in those god-forsaken swim trunks. It was all but lost without the hourglass, but the last hope was in the oven mitt and the swim trunks, and of course, the artifact that should not be named.



(cant believe this was a success lol glad we are having fun!!)

And time was running out.

She had to find the Turtle God before the Crimson Prince returned, that red haired hawk faced man, riding on his dragon with his stupid dog.

She lifted her axe and grinned knowingly at the meat grinder.

Yes, she had a special fate planned for the dog.

The dragon landed in an open field and Sam and Doc ex-filled toward a diner. During the long travels the two had not had a bite to eat in ages. And Hell hath no scorn stronger then the wrath of a hungry wiener dog! Many a carpet had been ruined in failure to feed the hungry mutt, for his ally was his ability to poop on command! And a powerful ally it was.

"I will have the special and my dog will have a philly cheese steak minus the cheese and minus the bun. And a large cup of coffee for me."

"And a bowl of water for me and make it snappy" said Doc.

The waitress ran screaming from the diner at the sight of a wiener dog who could talk, and the chef was taken aback.

"What the hell is the matter with you people? You never seen Looks Who's Talking Now? Scooby Doo? Two Stupid Dogs? WE TALK DAMMIT!"

It was right around the time of Doc's outburst that Sam realised he had been hitting the shrooms hard all week, with little or no sleep. That realisation struck Sam like a diamond Bullet straight to the brain as he quickly realised that Doc couldn't talk at all and he was still suffering the wrath of those retchid shrooms!

Sam left the Diner immediately with Doc hot on heels, better to face the Dragon than that Waitress, or so he thought.....................

In the distance Sam could sense the horror that was to come, but was too far to stop it.

From their body movements Sam could tell the dragon was in a fierce argument with the attendant at the full service (this was the 1950s) gas station 10,000 feet away from the diner. His ears could faintly hear the dragon's beligerant voice:

"I don't need any damn gas! Just give me the Men's room key!"

The attendant pulled out a revolver from his overalls and pointed it at the dragon. Black smoke poured out of the dragon's ears moments before he opened his enormous mouth.

"Puff, no!" screamed Sam.

But it was too late. The gas station exploded.

Sam and Doc's ride back to 2013 was no more.

"What am I going to do now?" moaned Sam.

A raspy, familiar voice came from the tiny dog.

"Beats the hell out of me. You can't thumb your way to the future!"

"Doc! You can talk! I thought it was the shrooms."

"It was the schrooms. I am not your dog. I just arrived in his body. Don't you recognize my voice?"

It did sound familiar and different than before.

"It's me, Mickey."

Mickey Finn! Sam's boss, and the owner of the detective firm Sam took over after Mickey was murdered.

'The police thought I killed you, Mickey, but they couldn't make it stick. It wasn't me, I swear."

"I know it wasn't."

"Did you come back to clear my name?"

"God sent me here, Sam, to assist you on a more important mission."

"What is that?"

"You must take Zelda Zorba's virginity. The future of humanity depends on it!"