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Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker


I was fully prepared to absolutely trash this movie. After the blandness and unfunness (90% positive that isnt a word but it is now ****face) that was Solo and The Last Jedi the Star Wars franchise had lost a lot of steam. Hell I wasn’t even really excited about watching this movie. Ill tell you what though this movie was damn good. Now its nowhere on the level as the original 3 movies or Force Awakens, Id probably even say Rogue One is better as well but this is close to it. No doubt its still better then those ****ing trainwrecks that were the prequel three. *********** those movies kid. Like I said this movie was damn good and it was fun, however it certainly has some flaws in it.



The Flaws

Kylo Ren- For the most part I like Kylo but he does get annoying sometimes. Not just in this movie but in the other two as well. At times he is a annoying emotional little brat. He just seems to throw temper tantrums and whine a alot. Other times he is actually somewhat compelling and torn between being a good or bad guy. He was pretty damn good here in egging on Rey in trying to get her on the dark side. Like I said he is good in this movie but there a few things that just didn’t work. **** his stupid helmet. Either leave the stupid thing on or off don’t keep switching. Kylo with helmet= a lame boring villian, kylo without a helmet= a emotional and better character. When you give Driver the chance to actually act he does well. His voice while wearing that dumb helmet has always bothered me. Its a incredibly weak sounding voice and kills any aura of badness the second he starts speaking. This is probably the main reason that his character is hit and miss.



The convenience with everything: This may be the most convenient Star Wars movie ever. By that I mean everything works out extremely well for everyone. Hey I have this first order coin that will get you in anywhere and you can park for free. Cool. Hey here is this sith dagger that tells you exactly where to go. Awesome no challenge here at all. **** Chewy has the dagger and he is captured, **** Rey blows that ship up with them in it. Have no fear C3p0 has it memorized and oh Poe knows a guy who can hack him. Also Chewy doesnt actually die so no fears on that front either. They be lost in some tunnels with no hope of leaving and **** there is a big ass snake blocking their way, good thing Ray heals it and oh how convenient the snake was blocking the exit. It was just laughable how everything fell right into place for everyone. Oh yeah and then there was General Hux, who is a spy for the resistance and once it is clearly revealed that he is , he just blurts out “I AM THE SPY”,no ****ing **** you are, you just helped them escape their deaths, if you arent the spy then you really don’t have any clue on how to do your job.



Originality: It has just occurred to me that this whole new trilogy was just a complete remake of the original.It somehow escaped me just how much they are similar til now. Luke sacrifices himself the same way (the Last Jedi) as Obi-Wan did (New Hope). The Kylo/Rey/Palpatine dynamic was precisely the same as Luke/Vader/Palpatine. Luke and Rey both always were teetering on the sith and jedi line. Rey had a Jedi master trainer in Luke, just like how Luke had in Yoda and they both got visits from them as ghosts. Vader and Kylo both tried to guide Luke/Rey to the dark side only to turn good in the end. Death star in New Hope and ultra death star (or whatever it was called in Force Awakens) are the same thing one is just bigger. There was close to no new ideas in these new movies just recycled ones from the original three.



50/50 good and bad

Fans lip service: Look I am all for making the fans happy. Since I am a fan I prefer to be happy rather then slapped in the face with the creators penis. JJ really does try to make everyone happy and caters to the fans which he somewhat should since ya know they are the reason everyone makes money. Some of them work and some of them are a ****ing force. Han Solo reappearing definitely ****ing works. Fact every Star War with Harrison Ford is better then the rest. I thought bringing back Palpatine was gonna be a force and be awful but suck my dick did it work out well for this movie. Palpatine was excellent and damn was that old dead guy creepy. Plus the way that he talks is so damn powerful. You could call me heartless or wheatever but I didn’t need to see the porgs or ewoks again. Also no need for Lando here. It was sad to see a slow moving and not so smooth Lando. Ghost form Luke unburies his X-Wing fighter, from the ocean, for Rey to use. Am I supposed to believe that this ****ingthing that was stored in the ocean for god knows how long just rises up and works no problem and has no rust at all? I am no mechanic at all but at least some of those instruments wont work and I would assume there would be some engine problems.





The good

Damn fun: No plan will ever trump the millennium falcon.I don’t know what it is about it but seeing that thing fly just makes me happy. Maybe it brings me back to my childhood or maybe its the music when it comes on. Either way seeing that **** fly and be in battle will truly never not rule. Nobody does a chase scene like star wars franchise either. I am talking about the chase scene on desert party planet. Thats not the actual name of the planet but these planets have long ass ****ing names so thats how I remember it by. There is literally a party in the desert so its a accurate description. Any who I digress, so the stromtroopers chase them in the desert (clearly since its on a desert planet) was actually interesting and exhilarating. Some chase scenes are lifeless and boring, this was not one of them. Plus the stormtroopers ****ing fly. So now they are useless both on feet and in air. It doesnt really add much but its still a nice little update to them. As I mentioned about the falcon, no one does flying scenes like Star Wars.Hell even in The Last Jedi they don’t **** it up. The final battle here is no different. **** is just done so well, again they are exciting and even though you know the outcome are still really enjoyable. The lighsaber battles here are also ****ing lit fam (cool kid lingo 101 right there). All the battles here were really cool. Mainly cause they did this cool thing with Kylo and Rey. So they both have a conection with eachother that allows them to fight without actually being next to each other.Man this is gonna be a absolute disaster describing. So for instance Rey was in Kylos office/bedroom ( I don’t know what to call it but it has a bunch of work related objects, so its his office now) while he was on another planet and they could still fight while taking objects from those different locations and using them. **** here is the perfect example. So in the end Kylo needs a lightsaber (at this point he is good) because he is about to **** up so high ranking sith jabronis. So Rey was able to transfer a light saber over to him and he ****ed these hoes up. This **** is ****ing hard to explain and my dumb ass aint the one to describe it. Take my word the lightsaber fights are good.



No lie I got watery eyes: ****ing chewie almost made me damn near cry. So after Leia dies Chewie gets all sad and falls on his knees and starts crying or at least the Chewbaca version of crying. Him “crying” over all his original friends all dying eally pinpoints that life sucks and everyone you love will die. Im not sure thats what they were going for here but thats what I took out of it. So it yeah I got some tears in my eyes just cause of the reminder that life sucks and your loved ones will die. Kudos you bold sons of bitches for bringing on some watery eyes.



The music: Breaking News the Star wars music is better then all other movie music. End of story go get ****ed by a donkey ( ehhh maybe a little to much there but who cares no one will actually read this ****ing waste of time). Goes without saying that the theme always rules but the musical arrangements are just on point and it blends so well with the movie.



I wont even apologize for how bad this is because legit what do you expect from my ****head ass. Overall this movie was a drastic improvement over the last two entries. Clearly has some flaws but it was still fun and enjoyable. I know the flaws section may be be longer then the good section but lets be real here I cant write positive things well only negative things. It may be a middle of the road Star Wars movie but there is some stiff ****ing competition here. I would have no problem rewatching it. It was a solid ending to a series that has lasted over 40 years. With that being said please don’t make anymore of these movies. People don’t seem to care that much about them anymore and that is just sad. I know they will still make more but still this should be the end. So pour a 40 oz out in honor of Star Wars ending. 7/10



P.S. If you have a ****ing infant baby. DO NOT BRING IT TO THE ****ING MOVIES. You are a ****ty parent and a even worse person. Why you gotta ruin everyones damn movie experience just cause you are a selfish ****. I want to hear the movie not your dumb ****ty baby making ****ing noises. Well that was a solid way to end this.



Did you mean to put the title of the film up top when this was (presumably) copied from somewhere? I can tell from reading part of it what you mean but it seems like there's something missing in the beginning.



Did you mean to put the title of the film up top when this was (presumably) copied from somewhere? I can tell from reading part of it what you mean but it seems like there's something missing in the beginning.
thanks for the reminder to put a title on there



So we can all agree that from here on out this is how Transformers movies should be made. The greatest decision for this franchise was getting it out Michael Bay’s over exploding, terrible movie making hands. I mean that man ****ing put out some truly awful movies that were poorly written and just horrendous to sit through. Hey if you hated those movies so much and they were that awful then why sit through all 4 of those abominations (the first one is a legit fun movie so it doesnt get lumped in with the rest of the crap)? Well its a simple two part answer as to why I did. Part one is that I am a ****ing moron and part two is that I like to talk mad **** about stuff. Shameless plug but here is what I said about the 5th movie. Enough about the original franchise lets circle back to this one. This is hands down the best overall film out of this franchise. There isnt much competition but still this a overall actually a good film. This is a much needed breath of fresh air. Even the flaws that here arent that bad.

The Good
The director: Travis Knight just saved a damn franchise. He did a great job of mixing the heartfelt moments in with the action sequences and just enough humor. Nothing overstays there welcome. There isnt too much humor that it kills the vibe and the heartfelt moments don’t drag the movie down. He also takes a much more subtle approach in the action sequences. Whereas Bay just beats you over the head with a obnoxious amounts of explosions and a lot of no need slow motion, Knight does none of that. They are more low key but they are still good.

The Story: Well would you look at that you can have a solid story in a movie revolving around shape shifting robot aliens. The movie deals with themes of isolation, coming to terms with a parents death, growing up and friendship. Both the young girl and Bumblee are going through the same thing and there is actually an emotional connection between the two. Both Bumblebee and Charlie are going through experiences of being isolated from people and having no friends. Obviously Bumble is separated from all his friends and family and has no one to talk with. Charlie meanwhile is still struggling with here dads death and has no friends and hates her new stepdad. So seeing these two bond and actually care for eachother actually makes you invested with what is going on in the movie. Which was severely missing from the original garbage movies. For the most part is just Shia LaDouche yelling support at Bumble in slow motion (in case you cant tell I ****ing hate everyhting about the original franchise). There really was no personal connection and those movies suffered from that, among many other things.

John Cena: The Dr of Thuganomics is not a major star here but he still does shine in his limited parts. I have seen by far way to many of his movies from The Marine (watched this numerous times), Legendary (bet you never even heard of this one), 12 Rounds (if you remember this at all you are sadder then me), The Reunion (now im just flexing my awful movie watching knowledge). He certainly showed some promise in both Blockers and Trainwreck but this proves he can be a star. He adds some comedic lines while also still be a forceful authority figure. Not Oscar worthy or anything but still he is good in this role. Hopefully his Fast 9 cements him a spot in Hollywood.

Now its time to nitpick the bad parts
Annoying secondary characters: Mainly its just the stepdad that is super ****ing annoying. I don’t know who created this character but man did they miss the mark. He gives a teen girl a book to smile more and that would be how she makes friend. At no point in any time would that go over well or would it work. The always smiling and super positive step dad is a man that I want to smother in his sleep. Any time this man is on screen you just want punch him in the face (or maybe you don’t have anger problems and you don’t want that but he is still damn annoying). He just doesnt seem like a actual person. If you want to make a character relate able then why not have him sit down with Charlie and actually have a real conversation. Just do anything better then hey here is a book to smile more.

Government: Why does the government always have to be so dumb. They are either a bunch of dummies or they are just evil. Here they are a little bit of both. They side with the Decepticons which they eventually realize it was a huge mistake. Hell even John Cena’s character said it out loud “Hell they call themselves Decepitocns, doesnt that raise any red flags”, which may be the most accurate thing I have heard. Even with those wise word no one supports that theory. So of course the government hands over access to everything and the Decepticons take advantage of that. Sure the government had plans to kill them but still they really didn’t need to side with them and should have just tried to kill them from the start.

Overall this is a good and fun ass movie. It certainly redeems the franchise after the way that Michael Bay steered it right into a dumpster on fire and then **** all over it in order to put it out. I am really good at hiding my pure hatred for those movies outside of the first one. Anywho this the overall best of the bunch. Its focus on characters and story helps elevate it to another level I never thought talking alien robots could reach. Hopefully this a fresh start for Transformers and they continue to make quality movies like this and make everyone forget those truly awful other ones. 8.5/10