Where to find friends in real life?

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It seems kinda easy online, but real life is another story.

Suppose I go deeper into my subconscious self-destructive tendencies and want to find real-life friends. Where can I find them? How do I even approach this task?

Everybody seems really busy with their lives, myself included. Every person has a more or less precise schedule and has built their life around it, so it seems hard to even fathom how anybody would want new friends.

Now, dating and so on, yes, people might want that, though not as much as they used to, but real-life friendships that I observe among my acquaintances are mostly "let's meet up to drink and party" which is not what I'm into anyway.

What about like real friends and meaningful connections? I get they're built with time, but where do I even find people inclined toward them?
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San Franciscan lesbian dwarves and their tomato orgies.



I'm the wrong person to answer this, lol.

Where you say,
"How do I even approach this task?"
"where do I even find people inclined toward them?"

my inclination would be that you are looking at it too systematically, if that's the right word.

I guess you find them where you find them, which is where you are and in what you're doing.

But if you want a specific place, then the best answer is travelling. Get a backpack, stay at a few hostels, do some of the same stuff with other people, you'll make friends.


Also, just throwing this out there in general on the topic, for information, Whitney says (or at least sung) that the greatest love of all is to learn how to love yourself. Whatever that means.



Honestly, things like sports are really great for this. Similarly, local groups (tons on Facebook) for various interests, like board games or what have you, depending on your own interests. This sounds kinda awkward, and it can be, but on the other hand it's not something you have to keep doing: very often you meet one or two people, you become friends, their friends become your friends too, and you're off. The only real thing is to get a couple of entry points, and that when you do, you're approachable, friendly, curious, and easy to be around. The rest takes care of itself.

Barring that, there's literally something called "Bumble BFF" which is basically the dating app, but for finding friends. Sounds strange, I guess, but one of my friends met a guy on there and they hit it off really well. Might be worth a shot.



I’m an extreme introvert and a hermit, to the point there’s got to be a separate word for it. I don’t confuse ‘antisocial’ with ‘asocial’, it’s just that I’m both, so often use them interchangeably about myself.

I met my best friend at work, it ‘just happened’. We had a coffee during my first week there as an ‘intro’ and just clicked. Never did I ever think it would happen to me. We’re the same age, I was marginally more senior, but she was/is far better at her job. Then I left and we became much closer friends after that.

As a realist, I can envisage this friendship ending for whatever reason, because you never know and all that. She’s the social one, an extrovert, very friendly (I have worked in public- and media-facing roles all my life, and outwardly I seem ‘normal’, but I’m very awkward and weird and every other word you can think of), but I remember feeling that I had to make a lot of effort there if I wanted it to grow into a friendship outside of work.

It’s what everyone goes on about nowadays with regards to dating, by in my experience, it’s much more subtle and weird with friendships, because the end goal is less clear and the rules less defined. You’re working to make people want to continue being around you, while also trying to not build up any resentment within yourself and continue to want to be around them.

I think for people like me it’s never going to be entirely authentic. I still feel self-conscious and awkward even around her, sometimes, but it quickly goes away when we’re together. I try to talk less, listen more, prioritise stuff she wants to talk about (sometimes I feel I’m incapable of initiating a conversation like a normal person). It can be odd, but I think the onus is partly on me as the socially inept person to be a bit more open, receptive to others, their concerns, etc.

More broadly, I think friendship is partly about accepting you have to defer to others’ interests, that you can’t monologue for hours about your niche obsessions and expect to get to do this again, and that before even thinking of taking, you give. Maybe I err a bit in the other direction where my friends talk about things I find boring as hell, and I patiently listen. But that’s the price of admission sometimes. You can’t expect people to just ‘get you’, warts and all. Sometimes it’s my turn and I get to talk about the esoteric stuff on my mind, and she listens.

I am very fortunate to have found people who share my specific interests (especially here, but my two close friends also watch some of the same stuff I do (I try to watch as much as I can — film talk is my go-to ice breaker), or even read the same stuff I do, which is rarer still). Having some initial common interests seems important.

But I feel the kinds of deep, meaningful connections you’re talking about are fostered with time, through consistently spending time with people by doing simple things together. I read an article a few years ago about people who have been friends for 50, 70 years (will add it here if I find it). They all said it was about making time for each other and actively doing things together, the ‘doing’ is key.

In the past, I would text my now-bestie when I’d happen to think of something she’d find funny before we became solid friends. Industry stuff but also just jokes once I could gauge her sense of humour. Even now years later I always make a conscious effort to suggest we get dinner every few weeks (and so does she). It’s something that needs to be maintained, day in, day out. I’m not sure that’s true for everyone, but that’s how I’ve been managing it as an adult. I similarly built up a solid friendship with a school acquaintance (we weren’t close at school). We were pen-pals at first, then started going out together. We see each other every few months, give or take. We text when there’s something to discuss, then don’t for weeks at a time. Afterwards, we pick up where we left off. If she wants to rant at 4 am, I listen (I’m an insomniac anyway).

Then again, it’s exasperating to hear this and that ‘happens naturally’, because what if it doesn’t? But all you can do is try. Then if you ever feel you ‘click’ with someone, you suggest doing things that fit into their schedule, but together — gym, grocery shopping. Yes, there’ll be awkwardness and rejection, but that’s life.

I have a grand total of two close friends now, and that’s two more than teenage me would have ever believed she’d have. I do have other acquaintances, but this is my best example of building a friendship from scratch, as it were. I do change jobs a lot, far more often than anyone would consider reasonable, and by now I tell myself every time I do this, I expose myself to potential new friends, and that’s great.

Edit: I found the article. It’s originally a WSJ piece and I can either post it here, which I feel would clog the thread (it’s massive), or offer this link:

https://sigforum.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/320601935/m/8820002305

Someone had posted the piece here and I just found it. I hope no one takes issue with the website I’m linking.



I've been thinking about this for years now... people ask me "haven't you got a girlfriend yet?" and not if I have a couple of close friends... I honestly feel it's just as important.

It's probably why I loved Women in Love so much. It actually addresses how a same-sex emotional bond could fullfill a man in a way which heterosexual love just can't. Both can be pretty ecstatic...

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HEI guys.



I'm a loner, Dottie, always have been. I love my family and gatherings with them, but I don't do friends in my old age, they're a headache and I'm too damned selfish. Buuuuut...

In retirement I have wanted to get out, do things, and make casual connections (emphasis on casual, I don't want a clinging bestie for cripes sake) and found a number of groups, clubs, and other activities through the library. Not just book clubs, but crafts, movies, other community get-togethers. They offer email notifications, and a publish a newsletter you can pick up inside.

My library also offers free passes to the local museums, I took them up on that, I've met some nice folks, but again, I'm not out there forming close, tight relationships of any kind. But some real-human connections are healthy, even for a loner.

One of the museums hosted a movie night once a month, I thought that would be a nice thing to do, maybe acquire some acquaintances you could talk with at the cafe after the film was over. But sadly, after going to one of them, the host died suddenly and that's since been cancelled. I also tried to join an art-house movie group that I found online, but they meet Friday or Saturday nights downtown... I made the attempt once, but the crowds and traffic, lack of parking -- I turned right around and headed back to my quiet life in the wilderness. But that's something to keep an eye out for (google meetups or movie groups in the town of your choice).

I have also taken to seeing the local minor league baseball team (we won the championship last season, yay!), usually weekday nights when it's not as crowded (yeah, I don't handle large crowds well) people are friendly, I haven't encountered any obnoxious drunks in the stands, I'm quiet, but a lot of people are gabby and that's fine, I'm perfectly able to strike up a conversation, it's pleasant. And if you wanted you could probably forge a closer friendship that way. (One guy I sat next to was a complete chatterbox, chattered away to his friend, chattered to me, and asked a question about a player... he apologized after a spell, but I said, not a problem, it's a nice night, we're having a good time, and baseball's a relaxed kind of sport, so conversations are an easy thing to slip into - someone like that presents a friend possibility)

Oh, if you have that inclination, Church. You can form a lot of bonds, and there are activities, a lot of get togethers, committees you can join, classes that are given. I know of one that even had a singles group that met up from time to time.



Trouble with a capitial 'T'
...Suppose I go deeper into my subconscious self-destructive tendencies and want to find real-life friends.
What does that mean exactly? It sounds like you're saying that having real-life friends will be destructive to you in some manner? Explain.

Where can I find them? How do I even approach this task?
The older one gets the harder it is to find friends. It's easy enough in school but after that people start pairing up or becoming set in their ways. It's not impossible but you would have to put real effort into it, before you ever find a friend. It might be easier if you found a friend/date for casual dating which could be described as another type of friendship.

Everybody seems really busy with their lives, myself included. Every person has a more or less precise schedule and has built their life around it, so it seems hard to even fathom how anybody would want new friends.
That sounds like you're not serious as you're calling into question the idea of other people even wanting friends...As far as having no time for friends, don't you spends all of your free time watching movies? Don't say you don't have any free time, you clearly do.

What about like real friends and meaningful connections? I get they're built with time, but where do I even find people inclined toward them?
Others have already given you good advice on this but I'll add: relatives like a cousin, or past school friends, old co-workers, give them a call and ask ' hey, what's up?'...Call that phone solicitation, but it might be your best shot.



It's comforting to find out I'm not the only reclusive introvert here - it seems this site is made up of them!

Anyway, the best advice has been given: join something with people you have something in common with: a club, a group, a game, a team, a gym, an organization, a church, a cause, etc. Similarly, doing volunteer work or engaging in community projects might be another area to meet people. Taking adult classes in another possible avenue.

Most of my friends (what few there've been) I made at work, so it seems any type of shared experience where a good deal of time is spent is conducive to forming friendships.

I think it's important to understand that to make a friend, you are most likely going to have to make the first moves, but for shy people like us, that's difficult. (Now that I'm a freelancer, I really don't have any friends outside of a couple neighbors I talk to sometimes - so neighbors are another potential source of friends).

I remember at my safety job I met a new co-worker (he actually worked for a different company as we were both contractors with similar jobs)... we were getting along well, then one day the guy shows up with a bag of vegetables he grew in his garden to give to me. After that I offered to take him out for lunch to show my appreciation and soon we started having lunch together a couple times a week. The point here is he made a gesture that I felt I had to reciprocate in some way.

It was only an at-work friendship - we got together for one more lunch about a year after we went our separate ways, and that's the last time I saw him. But it was still a memorable friendship while it lasted.

So gestures of friendship are important as most people are not going to reach out to you. (But beware the person who reaches out to you too soon, too much or too fast as you may have just met someone DESPERATE for friendship, or just desperate in general, and desperate people don't make good friends. Be wary of the too-friendly flatterer - they're usually just looking for someone they can use.)

I've heard tips for making friends at work: things like ask them if you can borrow a book or stapler or something they have, then upon returning it strike up a conversation (and now you are in the position to reciprocate with a gesture of appreciation).

Another one is asking them for some sort of small favor - this puts them in the position to make a gesture, and then you're in a position to reciprocate. (As with all things, overdoing such tips will only make you appear to be a pest, so all things in moderation.)



Another one of those friendship tips... (I know, they're kinda silly and I don't even use them... maybe if I did, I'd have some friends.. but I find the tips interesting on a psychological level.)

Ask a co-worker (or anyone) for advice about a problem (ideally it should be real so you sound sincere and nothing too personal).

Just their response will provide a load of info as to if you want them for a friend.

But the request itself shows respect for their opinion (always a good starter).
It gets you talking, but more importantly, it gets you sharing. And by sharing your problem you're showing vulnerability. And a display of vulnerability says you trust the person. So, immediately, you're talking to each other, you've shown respect and you've displayed trust.
A perfect foundation for the start of a potential friendship.

And then listen to the response, repeat it back to the person in your own words to show you understood, and thank them.

Of course this opens the door to follow ups on the problem, the advice, and further communication.



I have no friends I went to school with.

I wouldn't want to be their friend. People don't change that much.
I have several from elementary school I stay in contact with. Some of them moved from the East Coast years after I did and we reconnected.



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It seems kinda easy online, but real life is another story.

Suppose I go deeper into my subconscious self-destructive tendencies and want to find real-life friends. Where can I find them? How do I even approach this task?

Everybody seems really busy with their lives, myself included. Every person has a more or less precise schedule and has built their life around it, so it seems hard to even fathom how anybody would want new friends.

Now, dating and so on, yes, people might want that, though not as much as they used to, but real-life friendships that I observe among my acquaintances are mostly "let's meet up to drink and party" which is not what I'm into anyway.

What about like real friends and meaningful connections? I get they're built with time, but where do I even find people inclined toward them?



Get a dog and take it where other people take their dogs, and be friendly.
This is a great suggestion. When I walk alone at night, people I pass act like I'm Jack the Ripper, but when I walk my neighbors' dogs, a lot more people suddenly want to greet the dogs and engage me in conversation. The difference is like night and day.



I have no friends I went to school with.

I wouldn't want to be their friend. People don't change that much.
Yeah, f*ck school.



To quote the great Tony Montana, speaking to his unhappy wife -

"You got nothing to do with your life. Why don't you get a job or something, you know. Do something. Be a nurse. Work with blind kids, lepers. That kind of thing."



This is a great suggestion. When I walk alone at night, people I pass act like I'm Jack the Ripper, but when I walk my neighbors' dogs, a lot more people suddenly want to greet the dogs and engage me in conversation. The difference is like night and day.
Yep, I figured some would see my post and write it off but it's completely true. A dog is the ultimate ice breaker.



For anyone interested, I have finally found the article about lifelong friendship I was looking for. It’s originally a WSJ piece, and, as such, behind a paywall, and I can either post it here, which I feel would clog the thread (it’s massive), or offer this link:

https://sigforum.com/eve/forums/a/tp...5/m/8820002305

Someone had posted the piece here and I just found it. I hope no one takes issue with the website.

I thought this was a fascinating piece. This bit in particular stands out:

Time together deepens bonds. Becoming a best friend takes 300 hours of togetherness, one study reported. Those fortunate enough to have friends through the decades develop a common history that fresh friendships often don’t.