I’m an extreme introvert and a hermit, to the point there’s got to be a separate word for it. I don’t confuse ‘antisocial’ with ‘asocial’, it’s just that I’m both, so often use them interchangeably about myself.
I met my best friend at work, it ‘just happened’. We had a coffee during my first week there as an ‘intro’ and just clicked. Never did I ever think it would happen to me. We’re the same age, I was marginally more senior, but she was/is far better at her job. Then I left and we became much closer friends after that.
As a realist, I can envisage this friendship ending for whatever reason, because you never know and all that. She’s the social one, an extrovert, very friendly (I have worked in public- and media-facing roles all my life, and outwardly I seem ‘normal’, but I’m very awkward and weird and every other word you can think of), but I remember feeling that I had to make a lot of effort there if I wanted it to grow into a friendship outside of work.
It’s what everyone goes on about nowadays with regards to dating, by in my experience, it’s much more subtle and weird with friendships, because the end goal is less clear and the rules less defined. You’re working to make people want to continue being around you, while also trying to not build up any resentment within yourself and continue to want to be around them.
I think for people like me it’s never going to be entirely authentic. I still feel self-conscious and awkward even around her, sometimes, but it quickly goes away when we’re together. I try to talk less, listen more, prioritise stuff she wants to talk about (sometimes I feel I’m incapable of initiating a conversation like a normal person). It can be odd, but I think the onus is partly on me as the socially inept person to be a bit more open, receptive to others, their concerns, etc.
More broadly, I think friendship is partly about accepting you have to defer to others’ interests, that you can’t monologue for hours about your niche obsessions and expect to get to do this again, and that before even thinking of taking, you give. Maybe I err a bit in the other direction where my friends talk about things I find boring as hell, and I patiently listen. But that’s the price of admission sometimes. You can’t expect people to just ‘get you’, warts and all. Sometimes it’s my turn and I get to talk about the esoteric stuff on my mind, and she listens.
I am very fortunate to have found people who share my specific interests (especially here, but my two close friends also watch some of the same stuff I do (I try to watch as much as I can — film talk is my go-to ice breaker), or even read the same stuff I do, which is rarer still). Having some initial common interests seems important.
But I feel the kinds of deep, meaningful connections you’re talking about are fostered with time, through consistently spending time with people by doing simple things together. I read an article a few years ago about people who have been friends for 50, 70 years (will add it here if I find it). They all said it was about making time for each other and actively doing things together, the ‘doing’ is key.
In the past, I would text my now-bestie when I’d happen to think of something she’d find funny before we became solid friends. Industry stuff but also just jokes once I could gauge her sense of humour. Even now years later I always make a conscious effort to suggest we get dinner every few weeks (and so does she). It’s something that needs to be maintained, day in, day out. I’m not sure that’s true for everyone, but that’s how I’ve been managing it as an adult. I similarly built up a solid friendship with a school acquaintance (we weren’t close at school). We were pen-pals at first, then started going out together. We see each other every few months, give or take. We text when there’s something to discuss, then don’t for weeks at a time. Afterwards, we pick up where we left off. If she wants to rant at 4 am, I listen (I’m an insomniac anyway).
Then again, it’s exasperating to hear this and that ‘happens naturally’, because what if it doesn’t? But all you can do is try. Then if you ever feel you ‘click’ with someone, you suggest doing things that fit into their schedule, but together — gym, grocery shopping. Yes, there’ll be awkwardness and rejection, but that’s life.
I have a grand total of two close friends now, and that’s two more than teenage me would have ever believed she’d have. I do have other acquaintances, but this is my best example of building a friendship from scratch, as it were. I do change jobs a lot, far more often than anyone would consider reasonable, and by now I tell myself every time I do this, I expose myself to potential new friends, and that’s great.
Edit: I found the article. It’s originally a WSJ piece and I can either post it here, which I feel would clog the thread (it’s massive), or offer this link:
https://sigforum.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/320601935/m/8820002305
Someone had posted the piece here and I just found it. I hope no one takes issue with the website I’m linking.
Last edited by AgrippinaX; 4 weeks ago at 10:55 AM.