Captain Spaulding's Cinematic Gutter

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Down the gutter drifts the sleaze, the cheese, the low-budget trash, the sci-fi schlock, the midnight madness, the blood-spillers, the blood-drinkers, the raping revengers, the kung-fu kickers, the spaghetti gunslingers, the camp, the cult, the creature features, the babes behinds bars, the slashers that splatter, the blaxploitation, the sexploitation, the nunsploitation, all the other 'sploitation, the rotting flesh, the spilling carnage, the banned, the damned, the preyed-upon and the possessed, the dismembered and the put-back-together . . .

All of it is here, waiting amongst the used rubbers and the dirty syringes, two-dollar hookers eyeing you from the sidewalk with their cold sores and their ripped stockings. Ignore the homeless man who may or may not be dead. Close your nostrils to the stench of sewage and frolic with me in the filth. A celebration of the unsavory courtesy of a clown. Home of the offensive. Haven for the tasteless. This is . . .

Captain Spaulding's Cinematic Gutter!!!

A huge shout-out to my talented homeboy @Nostromo87 for the beautiful, animated banner at the top of the thread. As I said to you before, should we ever find ourselves in the same bar, beers are on me.

There was a time where I was gonna use the title "Cinematic Gutter". Thief!

Just kidding. Looking forward to it!

(Lowell Dean, 2014)

Small-town alcoholic cop, Lou Garou (a play on loup garou, the French term for werewolf -- an example of the movie's on-the-snout humor), regularly wakes up next to bitches he doesn't remember bedding, half his face already hidden beneath a prominent five o'clock shadow, before consuming his usual breakfast of scrambled eggs and Jack Daniels. At the police station, he'll attempt to sleep off his hangover and avoid the basic tasks and responsibilities required of his badge, leaving his female partner to solve any potential crimes, as their lopsided, ongoing tally demonstrates.

Even before Lou's lycanthropic transformation (the result of an occult ritual involving reptilian shapeshifters), the actor who plays him, Leo Fafard, already appears to have a few strands of canine DNA circling the gene pool, as if great-great-grandma might've spread her legs for White Fang during a drunken camping trip. His wolfish appearance must be the only reason he was awarded the starring role, because his acting is atrocious: no charisma, no personality, no screen presence. The rest of the cast don't fare much better. It's not that I expect Academy Award-nominated performances from a neo-grindhouse flick, but the corny puns and limp one-liners are made all the more cringeworthy coming from the lips of these actors/actresses. If nobody on screen -- outside of Jonathan Cherry, at least, as the mustachioed, excitable best friend -- appear to be having fun despite an inherently fun premise, that same dour attitude is going to transfer itself to viewers, as is the case here.

Like many werewolf movies, WolfCop excels with its use of practical effects during the grisly, gooey, disgustingly-detailed (and genitalia-emphasized) transformation sequences. The most entertaining stretch of the film sees our Dirty Hairy transform his cop car into a "wolf mobile" before heading out on duty to f**k up robbers and meth-heads and other unfortunate criminals by clawing faces from skulls. (Leatherface could seriously multiply his mask collection by just perusing the leftover carnage from WolfCop's arrests.) There's also a hilarious (bestiality?) sex scene involving the titular furry cop and a sexy-as-sh*t bartender with an amazing rack. ("My, what big teeth you have." *looks down* "Oooh, that's not all!") With the exception of a few amusing moments and successful sight gags, most of the humor in WolfCop lacks bite. The plot is lazy and half-baked. The script also seemed to forget about the villainous shape-shifters because they were an afterthought for most of the film until the unsatisfying climax.

There's Another WolfCop now, but I'm skeptical that the sequel will better exploit the B-movie premise since the same people involved failed to deliver consistent entertainment with the original. Judging by the results here, the premise is better suited for a short film or fake trailer than a feature-length film. The theme song is pretty dope, though.

There was a time where I was gonna use the title "Cinematic Gutter". Thief!

Just kidding. Looking forward to it!
Great minds.

And for the record, everyone, none of my reviews contain spoilers. Random plot details, yes, but nothing you wouldn't see in a trailer. I know some of you are afraid to read anything about a film you haven't seen, but read my sh*t anyway or else I'll teabag you in your sleep. Besides, I doubt most of you will have any interest in the majority of these films anyway, so there's no point in going in blind when you're unlikely to go in at all.

My wife has always worried that I'd end up back in the gutter. Oh well, I've never heard of WolfCop before and it doesn't sound like I'm missing anything.

Yay - a Cap Spaulding thread

Wouldn't contest most of what you put about Wolfcop but the humour worked a little better for me than it did for you and I gave it a 5.5. Very patchy though and likewise I have zero interest in the sequel.

I've heard little but praise for Wolf Cop, but I don't think I even made it halfway through. Just nothing there to interest me or pull me in. Maybe I was having a bad day (it's been known) but this is a film which doesn't play well in my memory. Your rating makes me wonder if maybe my mood was fine that day?

Good to see you make a thread like this, Captain. I'm sure I'll be a regular reader. Though my toilet habits have nothing to do with anything.
5-time MoFo Award winner.

(Alan Rudolph, 1980)

Meat Loaf is Travis Redfish, a beer-loving, simple-minded good ol' boy from Texas with a helluva knack for fixin' all sorts of thingamajigs, a trait he has honed from working for his dad's salvage company (their slogan: Everything Works If You Let It!). One afternoon while distributing Shiner beer and laying claim to the crown of Boogie-Woogie, Seat-Dancing King, Redfish passes a broken-down RV with a smile-flashing groupie whom he immediately proclaims to be the "first woman [he's] ever cared for as a human being." After fixing the rig and listening to the dozen different ways she has of saying please, Redfish agrees to drive her and the road manager to a nearby gig for Hank Williams Jr. Once there, Redfish's talent for setting up the sound equipment in record fashion puts him in the good graces of the "Ringleader of the Rock N' Roll Circus," and the path is paved for Redfish to become the greatest roadie to ever live.

Billed as a comedy, Roadie is rarely funny. The most amusing bit involves a mix-up involving cocaine hidden in a box of laundry detergent. ("No snow, no show.") Stupidity runs rampant. Performances grate as everyone in the cast either plays themselves or a caricature. Dialogue is highly quotable, but too many lines are shouted instead of spoken. Hillbilly stereotypes are dialed to eleven. The romantic through line sinks like a stone due to the poor chemistry between Meat Loaf and Kaki Hunter's aspiring groupie. (Viewers may also be turned off by her character's potential age: sixteen. ("That's right, honey -- jailbait!") Although it's unclear if she's telling the truth or just joking to make Redfish uncomfortable, and since the actress was in her mid-twenties, the age remark is easy to forget.) The scattershot plot features a ton of randomness: car chases, plane escapes, cosmic happenings, philosophical brain-locks ("What's the relationship between Styrofoam and the planet Jupiter?"), grooming via vacuum, phonebooth shagging, intuitive radio dialing, drive-by UFOs . . .

Guest appearances by multiple real-life musicians and well-known people in the music industry provide Roadie with just enough authenticity to maintain a decent level of engagement. Asleep at the Wheel performs for the tire salesman of America. Bocephus and Roy Orbison calm a barroom brawl with a duet of "Eyes of Texas." Deborah Harry and her Blondie bandmates get a few lines of dialogue and a few minutes of screen time during a brief road trip, along with a chance to perform a commendable cover of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." Alice Cooper ("Is she a Charlie's Angel?") features prominently in the plot. Roadie isn't quality and at times it borders on obnoxiousness, but the music and the movie's manic energy mask some of the flaws. I can't say I outright enjoyed it, but I was moderately entertained and bemused by its messiness and its rock n' roll spirit.

Oooh. So, like Nostro's Slasher Vault thread, I can use this to dump my thoughts on so-called trash?
You and @Nostromo87 and any of my other fellows freaks and carnies are welcome to dump their thoughts in my gutter anytime. (Perhaps write about some of your "rentals" from the Retro Video Store.) I'm going to be pretty loose with the theme. Anything horror, old and new. Anything exploitation. Anything that's a cult film or a B-movie or just your generic low-budget trash. Probably will review some old-school kung-fu flicks and DTV action at some point. Definitely will be watching some lowbrow T&A comedies as well. My basic idea for the thread is to shine a spotlight on films that typical film buffs tend to dismiss as junk. Plus I just enjoy writing about these types of films far more than "serious" films.