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Had to share this gem. New levels of Degeneracy reached by this guy.
Had been in Iraq for about a yr, this is mid to late 2004 on a ****ty forward operating base aka no girls, nothing to do. I had been playing holdem since '99 so hadthe bright idea that since these jagoffs all had at least 20 or 30k in the bank id donk em off all of it in our downtime. I order chips and cards and put out the word that we are gonna start playing holdem, cash only. There were atms on the main airbase about 20 min from us and whenever a squad would have to go there all the boys would throw their ATM cards and pin numbers and max withdrawal w whoever was going. Needless to say, by the time i got the chips we had a helluva lotta cash. Now i was a sgt, the other guy that knew how to play was one rank above me. The rest were just clowns that had some idea how to play but sucked. Long story short, im up about 4k. Ive gotta take a helluva **** but the actions juicy and i cant pull myself away. finally im on the button and announce that after this im running to the latrines to drop duece.
Naturally i pick up a hand. Dont remember what. Me and the guy who outrank me get it all in preflop. Theres like 7k in the pot but im gonna burst. My turdcutter is literally winking in anticipation of letting this massive **** fly.i say " i gotta go, tell me what happens". The villain aka guy outranking me, says if i leave the hand is mucked. Im like ****. Goes down to river. i flip. He wont turn his cards over hes just giggling watching me quiver. Im thinking i won and he is being a dick. The dude turns his hand. He had called my 4k shove w pocket 2's. Flopped trips. Rivered quads. Spent what must have been 3 minutes slow rolling me.
I screamed **** in a voice i cant explain, opened the door and literally ran for my life to latrines, which was about 200 meters away through deep ass pebbles, get to the toilet, dance in place unbuckling my pants, SLAM toilet seat up, turn around and am lowering my buns to the rim of the toilet w turds already SPILLING out of my ass. Imagine my surprise when i realize i threw the lid to the toilet up too hard in my frantic state and that it had immediately fallen back closed whilst i was turning around. The shock of having lost 4k in cold hard cash (on a soldiers pay) and now being steeped in my own turds was... Surreal. I can still remember the feeling of those piping hot turds being squeezed beneath my ass and it makes me gag.
Anyway. I ****ing clean myself and get back to the game. Even though i only bought in for about 200 bucks i still considered that 3-4k lost mine. I just CANT get this guy in a pot w me and we r **** talking like crazy. no one knows about the latrine saga btw. Somehow we r talking about getting mortared and rocket attacked at random on the base. I tell him ill give him 2:1 that we get mortared or rocketed TODAY. Hes like pfft. Ill give YOU 2:1 we DONT. We have a third guy thats his rank hold my 2k and his 4k. The deal is that the bets over at midnight. This was at about 7. Im living in a connex which is basically a shipping crate PRAYING we get rocketed. It gets to be about 11 and im dying inside at this stupid bet, how i could lose 4k to DONKS and then ride 2k that we get hit by the ****ing rocket man. LIGHTBULB!!! I have a 40mm grenade launcher on my M4. Ill zip one of those ****s into the field in the middle of the base and presto change-o ill be up. But then i think ahhhh theyll hear the discharge or ill kill some bonehead i didnt see, whatever. So then i think HEY we have these burn pits where we burn all the trash etc. They are always ablaze. Ill throw a 40mm grenade in there, haul ass and be back by our quarters by the time it burns enough to blow.
I go to the pit. Look around. Toss TWO 40 mm grenades in and run back to connex. Im in my cot, thinking anytime now. Its been twenty minutes. ****. I have a couple of m67 grenades, real deal frags, that i stole from the ammo dump where we take siezed weapons. There was a whole crate and i think i snagged 4.
So now im ****ing nerve wracked. I know if i toss the m67 frags in the burnpit ive got 5 seconds to get my fatass outta there or either be ****ed up or have my squad leader be super suspicious that i did it. Im like **** man what to do. I go by the pit. No ones around i pullout a frag. I think about it and am like frags arent THAT loud. Why go through this and no one hears. I pull out a second one. I pull both pins. I flip both thumb safeties off, and at the last second hesitate realizing i cant let the spoons pop off and be recovered or the gigs up. One last look to be sure no one sees and i threw those ****s straight in the fire.
Now many times in my life have i done ****ed up ****. Many times have i been trying to run from something or someone and been laughing so hard i could barely put one foot in front of the other. This was NOT one of those times. Those two frags and those two 40Mm grenades on that quiet night...*******. I was about to stop running so i wouldnt be suspicious but people started pouring out hauling ass for the bunkers so i just went with. The sgt i was in the bet with apparently saw me coming from that area and actually asked me if it was by me. I was like "hell yeah so ****ing close". He paused for a second, i was sweating balls, and he says" mother****er thats what u GET for betting we take incoming, i dont care. Was your money anyway".
Swore i wouldnt play like games like that again. Not two weeks later we have 200 dollars a piece on who can shoot a 40mm grenade closest to themselves, while making it explode AND not getting hurt. They take like 14 meters to activate. The very first moron shot it CLOSE and caught an amazingly large piece of shrapnel in his own leg. Was sooo good. That game ended quickly. No monies were exchanged.
Naturally i pick up a hand. Dont remember what. Me and the guy who outrank me get it all in preflop. Theres like 7k in the pot but im gonna burst. My turdcutter is literally winking in anticipation of letting this massive **** fly.i say " i gotta go, tell me what happens". The villain aka guy outranking me, says if i leave the hand is mucked. Im like ****. Goes down to river. i flip. He wont turn his cards over hes just giggling watching me quiver. Im thinking i won and he is being a dick. The dude turns his hand. He had called my 4k shove w pocket 2's. Flopped trips. Rivered quads. Spent what must have been 3 minutes slow rolling me.
I screamed **** in a voice i cant explain, opened the door and literally ran for my life to latrines, which was about 200 meters away through deep ass pebbles, get to the toilet, dance in place unbuckling my pants, SLAM toilet seat up, turn around and am lowering my buns to the rim of the toilet w turds already SPILLING out of my ass. Imagine my surprise when i realize i threw the lid to the toilet up too hard in my frantic state and that it had immediately fallen back closed whilst i was turning around. The shock of having lost 4k in cold hard cash (on a soldiers pay) and now being steeped in my own turds was... Surreal. I can still remember the feeling of those piping hot turds being squeezed beneath my ass and it makes me gag.
Anyway. I ****ing clean myself and get back to the game. Even though i only bought in for about 200 bucks i still considered that 3-4k lost mine. I just CANT get this guy in a pot w me and we r **** talking like crazy. no one knows about the latrine saga btw. Somehow we r talking about getting mortared and rocket attacked at random on the base. I tell him ill give him 2:1 that we get mortared or rocketed TODAY. Hes like pfft. Ill give YOU 2:1 we DONT. We have a third guy thats his rank hold my 2k and his 4k. The deal is that the bets over at midnight. This was at about 7. Im living in a connex which is basically a shipping crate PRAYING we get rocketed. It gets to be about 11 and im dying inside at this stupid bet, how i could lose 4k to DONKS and then ride 2k that we get hit by the ****ing rocket man. LIGHTBULB!!! I have a 40mm grenade launcher on my M4. Ill zip one of those ****s into the field in the middle of the base and presto change-o ill be up. But then i think ahhhh theyll hear the discharge or ill kill some bonehead i didnt see, whatever. So then i think HEY we have these burn pits where we burn all the trash etc. They are always ablaze. Ill throw a 40mm grenade in there, haul ass and be back by our quarters by the time it burns enough to blow.
I go to the pit. Look around. Toss TWO 40 mm grenades in and run back to connex. Im in my cot, thinking anytime now. Its been twenty minutes. ****. I have a couple of m67 grenades, real deal frags, that i stole from the ammo dump where we take siezed weapons. There was a whole crate and i think i snagged 4.
So now im ****ing nerve wracked. I know if i toss the m67 frags in the burnpit ive got 5 seconds to get my fatass outta there or either be ****ed up or have my squad leader be super suspicious that i did it. Im like **** man what to do. I go by the pit. No ones around i pullout a frag. I think about it and am like frags arent THAT loud. Why go through this and no one hears. I pull out a second one. I pull both pins. I flip both thumb safeties off, and at the last second hesitate realizing i cant let the spoons pop off and be recovered or the gigs up. One last look to be sure no one sees and i threw those ****s straight in the fire.
Now many times in my life have i done ****ed up ****. Many times have i been trying to run from something or someone and been laughing so hard i could barely put one foot in front of the other. This was NOT one of those times. Those two frags and those two 40Mm grenades on that quiet night...*******. I was about to stop running so i wouldnt be suspicious but people started pouring out hauling ass for the bunkers so i just went with. The sgt i was in the bet with apparently saw me coming from that area and actually asked me if it was by me. I was like "hell yeah so ****ing close". He paused for a second, i was sweating balls, and he says" mother****er thats what u GET for betting we take incoming, i dont care. Was your money anyway".
Swore i wouldnt play like games like that again. Not two weeks later we have 200 dollars a piece on who can shoot a 40mm grenade closest to themselves, while making it explode AND not getting hurt. They take like 14 meters to activate. The very first moron shot it CLOSE and caught an amazingly large piece of shrapnel in his own leg. Was sooo good. That game ended quickly. No monies were exchanged.
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You are vile.
can i have one of those buttons?
