Beale's Reviews

I completely agree with you, House of 1000 Corpses is total rubbish. There didn't seem to be one original idea in the whole movie.

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Let us go, Through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster shells

From The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S.Eliot

Caligula



In keeping with my series on films you may wish to avoid, I give you Caligula!

Upon re-watching A Clockwork Orange, I decided upon going to the video store and seeing what else Malcolm had been up to. I came up with essentially two movies: Gangster No. 1, which turned out to be WONDERFUL, and Caligula, which did not.

Caligula starts well enough, having a swiftly brutal rendition of Romeo and Juliet’s ‘The Dance of the Knights’ (one of my favorite tunes) playing in the opening credits. Pity it didn’t play anywhere else…it would’ve been perfect for this film. But then again, the film itself wasn’t worthy of such a wonderful theme. In the opening scene alone you’ll find incest, which, in itself, isn’t completely off topic, as the real life Caligula had incest with all of his sisters at some point. The problem with it, (and I’ll jump ahead and talk about all of the sex and nudity in the film), is the way it was filmed. You see, the film’s sex scenes were numerous and extreme that the director Tinto Brass (who is infamous for such exploitation films as Salon Kitty), removed his name from the credits. The film often crosses the line into pornographic, and there’s nothing to make up for it in the movie.


The acting is generally the only redeeming value. Among the cast you get a respectable John Gielgud and the chilling Peter O’Toole as the cruel Tiberius (whose characters, I might add, had the good sense to die early), as well as Malcolm McDowell as Caligula, who delivers a great performance in spite of such a terrible movie. Regardless of the cast though (which, when I glanced upon it, seemed impressive), this movie is NOT worth seeing. They don’t even begin to make up for the film.

Caligula exists completely within excess, without positive results. The musical score is so drab it’s almost non-existant. Historical inaccuracies and interesting character myths for Caligula are avoided…well…in general; he was a VERY vile man. He’s made to be vile, but nowhere near as vile as real life. He had sons executed in front of their fathers, etc. A rumor I would’ve liked seeing, (well…if it was done correctly), is Caligula killing his wife and eating his baby. He was just such an evil man…so much could’ve been done to this effect. He could’ve been one of cinema’s greatest villains…and, in the end, he comes no where close. It’s such a great…well…terrible story…it’s just a tragic thinking of all the lost potential.

Aside from the missed opportunity, however, the film has a horrendous look to it. It’d be continually hilarious if it wasn’t often so sad. Among them: the movie takes place in ancient Rome, and Caligula is seen several times cross-dressing in designer/glam-rockish clothes. There is a giant, elaborate decapitation device (killing people buried up to their necks) which defies logic and common physics. A wedding party includes a giant penis and vagina made out of God knows what… The sets are so very fake looking…the whole movie is just really overblown.

Here you’ll find needless violence, largely bad acting (although I did note three exceptions), terrible sets, usually incoherent and upsetting editing…in essence, you’ll find such a tremendous amount of excess in the form of acting and visuals (comprised of sets, concepts, violence and sex) that the movie is really and truly boring. And, at 150 + minutes, there’s nothing that could possibly validate such boredom. Life is too short.

½ out of ****

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"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" - Howard Beale

I remember Caligula as being a mix of ham acting and violence, interspersed with hardcore pornography -all in all a thoroughly displeasurable experience.

Thanks for the anime reviews, I'm a fan of both films.

Thanks for the input! I'll keep writing them if they're read.

Oh they get read...I shall never see those films!!

_S

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They are good reviews. I agree with you on Caligula.

Damn Beale, you're on fire, man!

Even though I'm a huge Depp and Turturro fan, I had no desire to see this film. Partly due to the fact that I’ve read the novella a couple of times, and also because I don’t like Turturro cast as Shooter. I always envisioned somebody who looked similar to the cowboy in Mulholland Drive. I don’t really think it should be a feature length movie anyway, it’s more of a half hour Tales from the Crypt story, as far as I’m concerned.

As far as Zombie’s horror movie, I wouldn’t have wasted my belly button lint on that piece of crap. I didn’t need to go see it to know what a stinking piece of dung that was going to be. But I’m going to disagree with your assessment of Caligula. Remember that the magazine Penthouse is the one who backed and marketed this film. It was always meant to be a pornographic movie with a story. That was its point. It never tried to pass itself off as a completely serious Oscar hunting movie. I always found it amazing that they were able to get screen legends to star in it. I agree, it’s a crappy movie with the exception of a few scenes and some of the acting, but don’t mistake it for a serious film that failed.

All in all, your reviews are exceptional. Sorry that it took so long to reply, I’ve been burnt out. Thanks for posting them, and I look forward to more.

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"Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

Thanks for reading them! (I will take the time to answer posts directed at me)

I was, at the time, aware that Caligula was funded by Penthouse. I guess that didn't register with me at the time...as I think Playboy funded Polanski's MacBeth (one of my favorites by the way), and it turned out non-pornographic and wonderful. I guess my fault with it being pornish (yes, I made that word up) is not that the studio betrayed it's vision of the story, but that the vision of the story was wrong in the first place. I can see an argue for the story to be excessive and pornish (again with my made-up words), but that only works when handled correctly. As it is, the production was sadly overblown....

Like I said though, my biggest personal problem with the film is not what it is, but what it could've been.

By that's just the way I see it.

Beale, I just watched Perfect Blue again last night, you MUST see it!!!

_S

The J-pop in the film is annoying but overall it is just amazing stuff....

Hellboy

Walking into Hellboy, I had some pretty steep expectations. I’m a fan of the graphic novels, I’m a HUGE fan of Guillermo del Toro (the director), and I’d loved what I’d seen in the trailers. In spite of all this, Hellboy met my expectations, and, in many areas, surpassed them.

(As most of the beauty of the movie is in the wonderful oddities and twists of the plot, I’ll make this review short.)

The story of Hellboy goes something like this: The Nazis are desperate for victory, and so, led by the ‘mad monk’ Rasputin, they try to conjure the gods of chaos to end the world so they can re-create it how they see fit. The Allied Forces, however, prevent the Nazis from accomplishing this goal. Instead of conjuring the gods of Chaos, the Nazis conjure a little demon, a demon who the Allies name Hellboy. Years later, Hellboy works for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, an organization that ends supernatural threats before they can cause any substantial damage. Unfortunately for Hellboy, however, is Rasputin is back, and set upon ending the world.

As you may have thought while reading the summary, the story in this movie is beautifully pulpy. Comparisons to Raiders of the Lost Ark are not out of order.

The cast is uniformly wonderful. Ron Perlman is perfectly-casted, and the acting is top-notch all across the board. Each actor creates a unique character (although the sub-villain Ilsa is virtually a throw away character). In fact, if I were to narrow the qualities of the film to one, I would say its ability to present wonderfully distinct characters is paramount. I was reminded of The Fifth Element in this respect, as, at the end of the film, I didn’t really have a favorite character. Instead, I loved and enjoyed each of the characters as if they were my favorite. We have the actors to thank for this.

Just as great as the characters, however, are the themes presented in the movie. Any del Toro fan knows that he throws in some deep messages into his films. This movie is no exception.

Guillermo del Toro gives us another atmospheric, surprisingly personal film that solidifies my opinion that he is one of the greatest living directors. No praise is enough for what he’s done with this material. I shudder to think what would’ve happened if Paul W.S. Anderson had gotten his hands on the rights.

The lighting in this film is excellent. Every scene has its own feel. The soundtrack is filled with very fitting songs, most notable being Nick Cave’s Red Right Hand.

To make an already short review shorter, I’ll sum it up. I really, really loved this film. It’s the best comic book movie I’ve ever seen (followed by Batman and the first two Superman movies). It’s comparable, (for me), to The Fifth Element, Pirates of the Caribbean and Stalag 17 in terms of infectious entertainment. The acting is wonderful, as is the direction. Pretty much anyone who goes into this movie with an open mind can find something to love: action/adventure, revenge, one-liners, comedy, romance, revenge…it’s all here. Check this film out. del Toro’s given us another masterpiece.

**** out of ****

Thanks for sharing, now my expectations have been really pumped up.

It might be best to go in without any expectations...through my logic, you'll be even more blown away. Regardless, I hope you have as nice a cinematic experience as I.

Excellent review. I am seeing this film tonight at 7 pm! I'll be back to chat about it

I just got back from seeing Hellboy and I dug it a lot! I like this director; I plan on checking more of his stuff out....

_S

I'm glad you liked it!

Guilllermo del Toro is easily one of my VERY favorite directors (which, in itself, is somewhat of a redundent statement, but I do love the guy). I'd recommend Cronos and The Devil's Backbone first off. If you were into the action, del Toro has also directed the popcorn classic Blade II, which, regardless of the lack of deep morals, I love (primarily becuase it's fun, and becuase the creature design of the Reapers is one of the best I've ever seen monster-wise). All are, in their own way, great films (although I can firmly say that Cronos and The Devil's Backbone are head-and-shoulders above Blade II).

I've yet to see his other film, Mimic...although I plan to remedy that by the end of this weekend.

Ninja Scroll



Ninja Scroll is an anime directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri, the man who made Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (my favorite anime). Couple that and the fact that Ninja Scroll is insanely popular (many consider it the definitive anime), so I knew I’d have to see it sooner or later.

The plot of Ninja Scroll is something like this: Jubei Kipagami, and honorable ninja mercenary, incurs the wrath of the Eight Demons of Kimon after killing one of their number. While being marked for death, he is approached by an old secret agent who tries to recruit Jubei for his cause, and teams up with Kagero, a female ninja who wishes to avenge her comrades who were slain be the Eight Demons of Kimon. Jubei, with the help of the aforementioned two characters, destroys the demons, one by one, until at last he faces off against the leader, a man who Jubei has already slain.

The film’s primary strength lies in its action driven plot. Jubei, over the course of 94 minutes, gets in a serious showdown with no less than 8 characters. Other strong points lie in the characters (the film provides 3 memorable and distinct heroes, and well as 8 villains), and the ‘doomed love story,’ which, while potentially cliché, is wonderful when done right.

The primary flaw with the film is excess. The action, while needed for an action film, is far too bloody to be effective. Instead of being rousing, it ends up as disturbing and/or frightening. While the characters are good, there are far too many of them for such a short period. There simply isn’t enough time given to fleshing them out and, thus, most of the fights in the movie lack weight. The plot of the movie is needlessly complex…(something about revenge, forgotten relationships and overthrowing the current government. You’d think I was watching The Days of Our Lives), and not enough time is devoted to making it completely comprehensible. However, the greatest excess, and, in my mind, the greatest flaw in the film, is the sex. There are two rape scenes and one completely pointless sex scene. They come off as offensive and distracting.

All in all, it is somewhat disturbing to think that the director of this film directed Bloodlust. While Bloodlust was a beautiful love story set to action, this film is a decent one set to excessive action and near pornographic sex scenes. Taken for what the film is though, Ninja Scroll is entertaining, provides interesting action scenes, and is good for turn-your-brain-off-and-munch-on-popcorn fun. When in doubt, however, pick up Bloodlust instead. It’s deeper, more entertaining and infinitely more rewarding.

**1/2 out of ****

I like the review. Well written and concise. I really like Ninja Scroll, although I agree it gets excesive at some points. Sometimes I am up for over the top anime such as this, and I usually pop this one in. I had recommended Perfect Blue to you at one point, but I feel it might not be up your alley after reading this review. It is also excessive in the violence dept., and the sex is a bit over the top as well, so maybe skip that one.

Anyhoo, I enjoyed the review and I will check out Bloodlust!!!

_S

Thanks. It was a film that I loved and hated...

And I will check out Perfect Blue...as soon as my dratted video store carries it!

Nice review. You're quite right in saying it suffers from excess, which is why I usually watch Ninja Scroll - and Fist of the North Star - only when I've had a few.

Nice job!

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