Most horror films really are weak. Let's review horror films of the last 40 years, shall we? Yes we shall 'cause I am bored.
"Rosemary's Baby". Why on Earth is this movie so reveared? You have a very pale Mia Farrow living in an apartment with her talentless actor hubby, she gets impregnated by Satan, and gives birth to the Antichrist. Oh, THIS is gonna happen soon. Give me a break, utterly ridiculous film made incredibly annoying by that old woman from the Clint Eastwood/orangutan movies.
"The Exorcist". Hey, this time the Devil has possessed an ugly little girl with no Dad. Send for the priests and have them bring the Holy H2O. Supposedly spooky, this film is actually very funny. Who doesn't laugh at the scene where the old priest and the young priest chant "The power of Christ compells you" about 40 times in trying to drive out Lucifer from the girl's bod. It is laugh-out-loud funny!
"Jaws". I guess this is a horror film. Probably was very scary in the 70's when phony looking sharks were terrifying. Police chief, crazy fisherman, and Mr. Holland go out in a boat, on the water, with the shark, and promptly drop gallons of blood in the water to attrack the shark and then marvel at how big the shark is that has killed half the nearby town. Oh, and one of them jumps in the water and tries to stab the shark in the mouth. Not the smartest move ever attempted.
"The Omen". More Antichrist nonsense. This time he's born and refuses to ever get a haircut. He scares baboons at the zoo and screams when threatened with being taken to church. Who doesn't? Oh, and now he has a sinister nanny and a rotweiler protecting him from Atticus Finch. Peck spends the whole movie disbelieving what everyone tells him, until he just can't deny the truth anymore and tries to kill his son by stabbing him with special knives in a church. Wonderfully heartwarming!
"Alien". Outer space is the scene for dark passaways aboard a spacecraft just perfect for hiding 12 foot-tall aliens who drip acid from their mouth. The scene where the alien jumps out of the man's chest is really something, but unfortunately this film is not very scary, except if you believe the US Government really would try to harness an evil alien to use in the military. That IS scary, not to mention stupid.
"Poltergeist". Ok, I happen to think "Poltergeist" is the best horror film ever made. However, that doesn't make it scary. Ghosts are on the prowl in suburbia, and they're kidnapping kids and inhabiting stuffed clowns that strangle the little tykes. Really a big blockbuster adventure film with all the depth of an episode of "Oprah". Nevertheless, you really are a horrible person if you dislike this film.
"Nightmare on Elm Street". Freddy Krueger is such a pathetic villain that he ruins this movie. Stupid character plain and simple. This movie doesn't work 'cause its so preposterous. Nobody dies this way, so why should it scare me? Plus, Johnny Depp is about the best human character in this film, showing you just how terrible the acting is.
"Friday the 13th". Horny, dope smoking counselors go to camp for the summer, get naked, and get massacred by a masked killer. Another hilarious horror film. I used to love watching these films waiting for some obnoxious bratty girl or boorish buffoon to wander out to the woods, or down by the lake and get dead. Oh, how delightful. Jason is a horrible villain with no personality, but this movie is a lot scarier than most horror films 'cause it plays on the teenage girl's fear of being caught having sex with her boyfriend by her father, and both of them get slaughtered by the old man.
"Evil Dead". More teens in the woods. This time the woods are haunted by evil spirits who kill people. That makes them evil. Bad movie, made worse by the fact that nobody really minds if these people get killed.
"Halloween". Another masked killer, this one may or may not be human. He's stalking Jamie Lee Curtis (he must have seen "True Lies"). An old doctor is chasing the masked killer around some town in the midwest, but can't seem to find him. He looks in the cemetery and then goes to an old house and hangs out til young females start screaming. Then the doc runs in the direction of the screams, shoots the masked killer, but doesn't kill him. Masked killer runs off and continues to kill. It's what killer's do after all.
"Hellraiser". Man with pins sticking out of his head is coming to kill a bad man. Why does the audience care? Exactly.
"Blair Witch Project". 3 youngsters head out in the woods to not have sex. Suspend disbelief temporarily. These youngsters are looking for, you guessed it, the Blair Witch. They find something, but the viewer never sees what they find, the camera jumps around and made me dizzy. Oh, the one guy doesn't get his rented camera back in time. It doesn't matter, he dies.
"The Ring". All you really need to know about this movie is that the hot blonde lesbian from "Mulholland Drive" is in it. No lesbianism in this film, however. Naomi, the blonde lesbo, has to prove an urban legend about videotapes is true or untrue. It is true that they charge you if you don't rewind. It is NOT true that "The Ring" is scary, and there isn't any nudity either. Smells like failure to me.
So, I recommend skipping horror films. Most of them suck.
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