Family
No corny acronyms of the word “family”. No cliché Chinese proverbs or silly poems. No witty metaphors, no definitions from Webster, no sugar -coated emotionally-drenched editorials that proclaim love to one’s kin. Nope, that is not what this post is about. This is about reality, the real stuff; the stuff that can boil your blood and crush your heart. It is not going to be a fun thing to read what I have to say here, but hopefully it will be educational and though- provoking. I m going to talk from the heart, from the ‘Id” the thing that makes me who I am and the Father I wish I was. Everyone loses things during their lifetime. I have lost a Father, an Uncle, friends, jobs, innocence, etc… The list goes on, but that is not what I am talking about. Loss can be hard; everyone that has lost something close to them knows this. The thing I seem to have lost is family. Oh not in the horrible sense that they have all died, but in the sense that in is a way, worse. Growing up I had, if nothing else, a concrete hold on what “family” meant to me. The security that if I had a problem; I could go tell Dad, or Mom, and they would fix it or tell me how to fix it on my own. What I am trying to figure out is, where did I go wrong as a Father? Oh I am definitely not looking for pity here, just input. When did the pictures of my children change? I see them when they were younger, their eyes aglow with the knowledge that their parents loved them and cared for them. The knowledge that we are a happy family and nothing could break our resolve. It was definitely gradual, this change from sparkle to gloom in the eyes of my loved ones. Getting a divorce to my wife of 15 years was the start of my families downward tumble into obscurity I am sure, but it was not like a sudden transformation. We had been having trouble for years, nothing terrible, just little things that added up. So we, or rather I, made up my mind that it was time to move on. A younger brother of mine decided to let the shadow of gloom that has cursed our family for the last few years seep into his veins by way of cocaine. He is serving two year’s in jail now, and God help me I am glad he went to jail. He needed a wake up call; if this doesn’t do it for him I fear he is lost to us also. I will not bore you with all the in between stuff, because the list is too long. So, fast-forward to a few weeks ago when I found out that my daughter had been raped by her Youth Pastor when she was nine or ten years old. Until I got this heart rending news I thought we were climbing back from the pits of depression, I thought: hey we are back. The Elliott family is going to tear up the world with our wit and humor and good looks like we once did in the good ‘ol days. The news hit me hard; it flung me back to the bottom of the stairs faster than everything horrible that has ever happened to me or the family before combined. I wonder why she did not tell me. Where did I go wrong to make her not reveal this to me when it happened? I am sure she was scared, embarrassed, sad, etc…, but I cannot help but feel like I failed her somehow. Did I not educate her enough on what things were right and wrong? Did I not shower her with enough paternal care? Family has and will always be my “rock”; unfortunately I seemed to have been the ungrateful. I have seen many awful things in my lifetime, and I cannot say that I am not lucky. Surly I am, living in a free country, where free will is respected...Blah, blah, blah…Are you bored yet? I am, oh not bored with what I am saying but bored with life. Where do I go from here, where does my family go from here? When does the curse become a thing of the past? The weight of depression crushes my shoulders, but guess what? I am not done by a long shot, I am here to stay, bring on the despair, and bring on the bad times, because ya’ know what make the bad times so bad? It is the good times. Ask anyone who has lost a loved one what’s worse, the good memories or the bad? It is always the good memories, they are worse to remember, because they tend to rend the heart, rip it to shreds. When I see my little girl laughing at the age of two, not even knowledgeable of the wicked world out there it hurts so much more than anything else. The funny thing that I have come to realize though is that I would not trade it for anything. The good times make the hard times worse yes, but without them there would only be despair and sorrow. Well I refuse to live in that state, and I refuse to let my “FAMILY” to live in that state of mind. We are going to overcome the hurdles thrown in our path as we have done before. No matter how bad it gets we will succeed. I will never give up on prosecuting those who have done my family wrong, and no matter what the outcome is, in the end my family will be victorious and the bastards that have done my Family wrong will pay in spades, that I promise you .
Dionne…
“Life goes on with or without you, why be 3rd string when you can Quarterback you team (FAMILY) to new heights?”
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P.S. my family really is not that good looking, but do not tell them I said so...
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“The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton
Last edited by 7thson; 07-06-05 at 09:53 PM.