Is It Possible?

I have a very important question to ask, and it's something that's pretty big in my life at this current moment. Is it possible to love someone you haven't met in person?

I ask, well, because I think I'm in love with one of my best friends that lives a couple hours away and I've never even met her. I've known her for two years (we txt everyday pretty much, talk on the phone occasionally, IM, e-mail/MySpace/facebook), we share just about anything and everything with each other, and I'm not sure if what I feel is possible or not.

I am going to meet her this weekend, finally (I chickened out the last two times), because we both feel like we need to find out if all our feelings are genuine. I've felt this way for almost 6 months now and I feel like I have to meet her and find out if I'm right.

Any input is highly welcome, thank you.

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"This is that human freedom, which all boast that they possess, and which consists solely in the fact, that men are conscious of their own desire, but are ignorant of the causes whereby that desire has been determined." -Baruch Spinoza

As goofy as this answer is going to sound, I think it depends on what you mean by love. You can certainly feel the same level of attachment, and they can dominate your thoughts and concerns in the same way. But I have to believe that there are levels of closeness that just can't be replicated outside of actual, physical proximity. Whether this is simply a deeper love, or the difference between love and infatuation, is hard to say.

But even if you can "love" someone you've never met, there's still the issue of whether or not the person is "real." By this, I'm not referring to the more obvious (and probably more unlikely) possibility that they aren't who they say they are. Rather, I'm referring to the fact that when you think about someone a lot, without necessarily seeing them a lot, you run the risk of filling in the blanks. And when we fill in the blanks for someone we feel fondly towards, we usually do so in the most flattering ways.

So, I'd say there's always a possibility that, even if everything the person has told you is true, and even if you have a pretty good handle on who they are, you can't really know all of it, and therefore you (or anyone) inevitably runs the risk of inadvertantly idealizing them a bit.

Ultimately, though, how you classify your current situation is less important than what you do with it. Maybe you love her, maybe you don't. There might not even be an answer. But whether you do or not, clearly you feel strongly enough to want to meet her and see where things go. That's what I'd choose to focus on, if I were in your shoes.

Either way, best of luck! I can certainly relate to the level of introspection you're going through.

Yes, it is possible.

I say yes, because apparantly you are.

But let me ask you this. What exactly are you afraid of? Is it that she may not like you (maybe you've embellished some truth online--most people do--and your afraid to have her find out). Or maybe you're afraid that she won't be the person your fantasizing about.

either way, love comes in many forms, and the way you found yours, thankfully, probably isn't as unique as the people involved.

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I have been formatted to fit this screen.

r66-The member who always asks WHY?

Is it possible? Sure, most things are possible Matt, (it is Matt isn't it?) especially considering how much contact you've had with her the last few years. It sounds to me like meeting is a logical next step if you really plan to move forward or at least try to. If you two are already talking so much perhaps you ought to discuss it beforehand, relationship ideas that is... She may have other ideas and if you two are communicating that well then I don't see why you can't find out some of the things you want to know before you meet.

I've found over the years that women appreciate and genuinely like it when you're honest with them, (weird huh?) and most times if you're upfront about your feelings the worst that can happen is that she doesn't feel the same way. That being said, chances are you can obviously still be great friends. So I say give it a shot!

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We are both the source of the problem and the solution, yet we do not see ourselves in this light...

I've always been afraid that after meeting me she wouldn't feel the same and that she would only want me to be a friend.

Yes, it's Matt.

We have discussed it before hand, actually. That's the number one reason why we're meeting because we both feel like we need to see what happens/how we feel.

You can definitely experience a level of love for such a person. As Yoda pointed out, the lack of (and now impending) chance for physical proximity may verify whether (or not) what you feel is grounds for exploring those feelings to some more depth. The other wild-card, based on the proximity issues, is if she is willing to go there with you despite the limitations.

What you feel is exactly that- it's what you feel. If, to you, it feels like love, then it is love and no one can really tell you it isn't. However, someone who has been married 15, 20, 30+ years can tell you that it might not yet be the kind of commitment love that will sustain a marriage, for instance. As I suspect you intuitively know, that can only be borne out/discovered over time as life is shared in physical proximity. And it isn't as if you haven't achieved some level of intimacy because you have. As long as you can recognize that you are at a stage where you can discover IF there's more, then what you feel isn't a question of validity....just potential and possibility.

I presume you've seen pictures of her, etc.? If not, how would seeing her for the first time affect your perspective of her?

My uncle has been married three times and none of the first two lasted over a year-and-a-half. He and his current wife- whom he only met on and developed a year-long relationship on the internet- are still together after 8 years and going strong.

go for it!!!

I would first say that going to meet her is obviously the right thing. As for the question, I would say it is possible, not probable, in the turest sense of the word love. I think that Chris says it very well in his reply, so I'll just say that I echo his sentiments.

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"As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd go away."
-From Identity

I have seen photos of her, like her face. And her biggest worry is that I would feel differently after seeing her in person because she's "overweight." But what I have seen, I like a lot.

And BTW, that was an amazing post.

Heh, heh....well, then, there ya go.

You know, for the "distance" relationships that do successfully develop online to something more, there is one great strength: genuine care and affection that leads to commitment love is not solely based on physical appearance. This appears to be a strength you have going for you.

None of us here would say that physical attraction isn't important (of course), but in our culture, we often have to wade through the fleeting euphoria of physical attraction in order to determine if there's something more substantial.

Preeshate it.

That's always going to be a possibility, It's also possible that you could end up feeling that way as well. And the bottom line is there's nothing wrong with that. Expectation of rejection can be almost as powerful as drug addiction, but, it's still just a mental trick. Knowing that and knowing that if you're able to accept whatever her decisions are ahead of time takes away some of that dreadful feeling of "what if she thinks I'm hideous", sensation that you're experiencing. It's not easy but I bet you can do it.

Ah good, occasionally I do remember things. And I truly wish you luck, it sounds like you two already have a pretty good foundation down. Now you're just moving forward another step.

You must meet her soon, but just let me say that having met (as friends, not romantically) in real life people who I've known only to speak to on the net for years, it is sometimes a shock to see them physically for the first time. You get such a picture in your head about what they're going to be like. Just keep in your mind all the things you like about her online cos they're all still inside her no matter what she looks like outside. And don't forget she has the same thing to go through too!

Just think that even if you still end up as friends, then that's pretty special too - good friends are hard to come by.

One of my friends met someone on the net and talked for months before meeting, now they're married and have two children, so it does work out in real life too!

Take it steady
xx

Go to her.



Seriously though the suspense is killing me!

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And lo the whispering wanderer weeps
what whit to whom did my life keep?

What this thread needs is pictures.

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"A candy colored clown!"
Member since Fall 2002
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I second that.

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Everything I do, I do to make my second stepdad proud.

I just realized, I forgot to quote them. It may not have been taken the same way, without the quotes.


Yep! If you want it to end, before it even begins!

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Well, turns out this weekend is bad for her, so we're probably not going to be meeting until next weekend. But I shall be certain to tell you all how it goes and I had already asked her if I could get a photo with her.

BTW, if the people who voted "no" could share their opinion on why; that would be great.

Just make sure she doesn't mind you posting it. If that is indeed what you mean. Shh, this is the mother in me.

Yes, I agree on this one. Curiosity. Meow!

I never said I was going to share them.