Sexy Cineplexy: Reviews

Fanboys sounds great. Geeks and 90s nostalgia, what's not to like?

Chapter 27
(directed by J.P. Schaefer, 2007)


In December, 1980, lead singer of The Beatles, John Lennon, was shot and killed outside his apartment. In 2007 (or, probably 2006), Jared Leto ate a lot of food, put on weight, and became John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, for a film called Chapter 27.

JUST FOR THE RECORD -- I'm not gonna bash Jared Leto with weight on him, at all. I actually thought he looked kinda sexy with some meat. I mean, look at him up there - don't ya just wanna pinch his cheeks?

Anyways -- the title Chapter 27 refers to it being like the next chapter of the book, The Catcher in the Rye, which only had 26 chapters. Mark David Chapman believes that he is Holden Caulfield, that book's lead character. He's a delusional guy who hails from Hawaii and he's out to kill John Lennon for being a "phony".

While he stands outside John Lennon's apartment, he befriends Lindsay Lohan, who convinces him to buy John Lennon's latest album, Double Fantasy. Mark David Chapman and Lindsay Lohan also have lunch, but of course, since he's a wack job, he eventually freaks Lindsay out and she runs away. Hey, Mark David, for your information, you were barking up the wrong tree anyway.

Lucky for Mark David, New York has plenty of prostitutes to keep you company, and he orders one who dresses in a bizarre, futuresque outfit and doesn't speak. They have sex, but we don't see it (I was kinda upset by this).

Eventually, Mark David Chapman does what Mark David Chapman is supposed to do. This is where I had the most trouble with the film....



So, yeah, that was my biggest problem with the movie.

Other than that... I thought it was really well made and intriguing for such a small film with barely any actors and not much going on except for a lot of standing around.

I would have liked to have seen some more background on this guy, Mark David Chapman -- there is one scene where he acts kinda weird, doing something he apparently learned in childhood, and it was good, but maybe there could have been more insights - THOUGH, NOT A LOT, or that would have sucked.

Thanks Sexy great reviews

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

I don't have that DVD. I believe that Holden and meaty do, but it doesn't have English subtitles or you don't have a "subtitles' button on your DVD remote? Check it out and let me know.

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page

Yeah the movie itself is subtitle-less , but I didn't find the talking hard to hear - and I usually use subtitles for almost every movie for the same reason.

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If you really want download a torrent of the movie with included .sub file (assuming you own the movie - not promoting anything illegal here).

I think that's the highest rating I've ever seen for Batman and Robin.

Woops! I clicked on your review thread, didn't notice the date (it always brings you to the first page too) and read your review of Batman and Robin, oh well. Do you still stand by that rating?

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"Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

Madea Goes To Jail
(My Review, Take Two)



Alright, so my last review of Madea Goes To Jail was obviously really bad -- well, I wrote a nice, longer version of it, but I accidentally closed my browser by mistake and off it went down a Movie Forums black hole. So, I'm gonna try this again - hopefully this one will score 1 or 2 positive reputation points.

Have any of you seen any of Tyler Perry's films? There's so many of them now, but not all of them feature the wonderful creature called Madea, whose real name is Mabel Simmons. Madea is, in my opinion, the 21st century's first queen of the screen. She's a big, mouthy woman (played by a man in drag) who likes to play with guns, chainsaws, knives, forklifts, you name it... but every so often she also preaches a Christian message to her family and friends (and of course, to the audience).

In Madea Goes To Jail, the best Madea film yet because it's easier to sit through and there's more, very funny Madea scenes - Madea starts going through some hormonal changes that are making her even more aggressive than ever. This leads to her eventual arrest when she goes totally out of control -- although, it takes a freakin' HOUR for her to finally be arrested and sent to jail!

There is a seperate story involving an assistant district attorney who's trying to help Keshia Knight Pulliam, a prostitute named Candy, get off the streets. Apparently he knew "Candy" back when they lived in the ghetto - he managed to get out and make himself a success, she didn't. Something also happened to the two of them at a party many years ago...

Anyway, the district attorney's fiancee, another district attorney, is NOT happy at all about her man spending a lot of time with Candy...

Candy and Madea eventually meet in jail, which really isn't a spoiler since it's the synopsis they give in every newspaper review. It just takes them A LONG TIME to get into jail!

That's the biggest problem with Madea Goes To Jail -- although I kinda understand the need to keep Madea out of jail for awhile just to get some points across, it still makes the audience wonder (as I did)...

When the F is she gonna go to jail already?!

THEN, when she does manage to get inside the prison, she's getting out of it 15 minutes later... and then the credits roll.

It's like Friday the 13th part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, where Jason spends most of his time on a boat heading to New York, but 15 minutes before the credits roll, he finally makes it there.

A movie to compare this film with by title alone is Ernest Goes To Jail.



But at least in Ernest Goes To Jail, the majority of the film took place in a jail!

Still... I have to admit, I liked Madea Goes To Jail a lot...

There is a certain fun waiting for the big moment that's really gonna make Madea go overboard... she's almost sent to prison at the beginning of the film, but because Madea was beating the crap out of the cops, they forgot to read her Miranda rights and through that technicality she went home free.

See Madea Goes To Jail!

Tim
(directed by Michael Pate, 1979)



This film, starring Mel Gibson and Piper Laurie, is about one of the greatest tragedies mankind has ever witnessed. It is drama that even the Greeks never, ever saw coming....

Mel Gibson Aging!

Actually, the film has nothing to do with Mel Gibson aging. In fact, it's about Mel Gibson as a "slow" 24 year old extremely sexy, very well built houseboy/hired hand to ugly Piper Laurie! of all people!

I guess since Piper didn't want to appear nude, the sex scene that eventually happens between her and Mel shows nothing... nothing from Mel... although you do see him in SKIMPY swimming briefs that reveals the bottoms of his muscular buttocks in one shot.

My point is... there's really no other reason to watch Tim except to see Mel Gibson play a sexilicious guy who can't read or write -- until Piper Laurie teaches him, I don't know why, if I had Mel Gibson when he was looking like that and he couldn't read or write, I wouldn't teach him those things! You think I'd want him on the internet browsing personal ads, chatting with "babes", having a way to seek and find other sex partners? HELL NO! I'd just make him my lifelong sex slave... I'd teach him about love... he could always just watch a movie instead of reading a book.

So, anyways, Mel comes to work for Piper Laurie, this bookish, intellectual type. WEEKS GO BY AND SHE DOESN'T F**K HIM! She pulls out the Hooked On Phonics, goes to check out the local school for mentally retarded children to see about what she can do for Mel/Tim.... but whenever there's a scene with Tim in his bed, ALL SHE DOES IS HUG HIM!

After an eternity....



Piper Laurie's hormones finally switch on again... and oh!... she gives him a kiss.

CUT TO: Their Wedding Day!

She feels wrong for starting to like Tim that way since he is a slow person, but... IF ONLY SHE COULD HEAR THE AUDIENCE! Get that pipe, Piper! Get it now before he gets too old, too drunk, too Christian!

Anyway... it was a really good film for awhile, even though it's totally unbelieveable... I can't even fully believe that Tim doesn't know how to read since I know he's Mel Gibson and obviously he had to read the script to Tim to act in it...

It ends horribly.

Not as horrible as something like Tim dies or anything... it's just a very blah ending.





Watch this video of clips from Tim to see what I'm talking about in regards to the young sex god Mel Gibson.

Tim is one of my guilty pleasures I Mel in it

It is from a book by Colleen McCollough, it explores the tender sweet love between 2 very different people

Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild!
(directed by Todd Stephens, 2008)



If you are a straight man or someone who doesn't care for copious amounts of male bare buttocks and man on man simulated anal sex... please... just go now. Don't even bother reading. You don't wanna see this movie.



Because seriously... 95% of Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild!, the sequel to 2006's Another Gay Movie, is male flesh, male butts, man on man sex and there's even a few penises, one of which is very much erect in the uncut theatrical version.

There's also a watersports song & dance sequence (look it up), a naughty scene with men dressed as animals, sex crazed zombies, a cartoon featuring crabs (the kind that get on your body...), male mermaids without buttholes, and much more - but gay sex tops the list.

Did I mention that there's a watersports song & dance sequence?

A couple of gay boys - who are returning from the first film - head to Fort Lauderdale on a TransAmerica Airline plane that has transsexual stewardesses. Joining them is Perez Hilton, from perezhilton.com. He has sex with a young priest in the airplane bathroom and then becomes an annoying Jesus freak who's against gay sex. He pops up in a lot of scenes. I was hoping he would just die.

RuPaul, in toned down drag, appears as Tyrell Tyrelle, some kind of manager for the Gays Gone Wild! contest and I guess the hotel the boys are staying at. The Gays Gone Wild! contest is put on by a famous real life drag queen, Lady Bunny, and basically whoever has the most gay sex during spring break wins the contest. There's a competition plot involving some nasty East Coast gays and the stars of the movie, who are all California gays.

Nico, played by Jonah Blechman in both films, is the highlight of Another Gay Sequel. He's a campy, effeminate guy who has trouble finding a man -- maybe because he's wearing a cursed Tiki idol! The other guys are kind of blah. But the guy who dates the geeky, curly haired boy has an amazing ass.


Nico (Jonah Blechman)

Despite the nonstop sex, there are still some good messages about monogamy within the gay community, as one couple debates about whether or not they should have an open relationship during spring break, and another guy, a slut, falls in love with a cute guy who happens to be a virgin.

But, Another Gay Sequel, even with that watersports song & dance sequence, is not really all that hilarious. It's colorful, vibrant and fun -- but a little slow paced and nothing that really qualifies for a big laugh. Is it better than the original? In some ways yes, in some ways it's the same. But I can't give you an expert opinion as I've only seen the original two times and that has been awhile....

Straight guys, if any of you are still reading -- I'm pretty sure if you ever find yourselves watching Another Gay Sequel, you'll be traumatized. You might even be traumatized by this review. So sorry. I watched this movie with my mother. She just thought it was ridiculous.

Observe and Report
(directed by Jody Hill, 2009)



A penis sets off the storyline for Observe and Report, which stars Seth Rogen as a bipolar mall security guard named Ronnie Barnhardt, who is intent on catching a flasher that's been exposing himself to women in the mall parking lot.

Oh, and he's also trying to get a date with Brandi (Anna Faris), the sexy, slutty cosmetics girl. As you can see by the picture above, Ronnie does eventually score that.

Ronnie's also trying to become a real policeman... at one point he even goes for a ride along with Detective Harrison (Ray Liotta, who is not aging well...)

But the trouble is, Ronnie is PSYCHO!!! Do not mess with Ronnie Barnhardt -- blood will be shed and it will be yours.

You can, however, mess with Ronnie's alcoholic mother (Celia Weston), who apparently slept with all of Ronnie's friends when he was in high school.

Alright, so you wanna know, is it any good? I think so. It is a dark comedy and for once it's a dark comedy that actually made me laugh quite a bit. It is stupid and yet a little deep, I think. I think the Ronnie Barnhardt character will go down in history, however, I think the film is also on its way to Comedy Central.

The ending is very Fight Club, by the way. That's all I'll say.

Anna Faris pulls in another funny performance -- I think this woman is legendary, however, she needs to be in more films that are her own vehicles. The Scary Movie series was nice, however, she still needs more! I haven't seen The House Bunny, yet. Of course, everytime she plays a character you can really notice the Anna Farishness about her, but I like it. Unfortunately, she isn't given much to do in Observe and Report.

They also didn't spend enough time on her gay cosmetics counter co-worker, Bruce! (Alston Brown, I'm going IMDB crazy here).

Ronnie has also assembled a team of other mall security guards to sort of tag along with him. That, I think, was a weak point. Sometimes funny, but mostly unnecessary. Two of them are called the Yuen brothers (John & Matt Yuan).

It was nice that they actually explained Ronnie's craziness with the bipolar disorder. I have known a few bipolars in my life, and lemme just say that one of them was exactly like Ronnie Barnhardt!

But without the deliciousness of Seth Rogen's physical appeal (at least to me). Sadly, although there's plenty of nudity from the disgusting, fat flasher, there's nothing from Rogen, even though he does have a sex scene.

Oh yeah, and there's this girl named Nell (Collette Wolfe) who works at a coffee shop/bakery and she has her leg in a cast which she has to keep propped up all the time. Ronnie visits her everyday and gets a free cup of coffee. That's an interesting subplot.

Be prepared for violence, arrogance, alcoholism, sluttiness, mental disorders, penis, drugs, charm and car giveaways.

Thanks for the great reviews Sexy

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
(directed by George Miller & George Ogilvie, 1985)



Well, I rewatched Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome the other night -- this movie was apparently one of my favorite films when I was a kid.

Perhaps it was the first film I ever saw, when I had nothing to compare it to... this movie is a yawn fest. It's interesting and it has some pretty cool visuals and sounds, BUT WHAT IS THE POINT?

Mel Gibson stars (as Mad Max, of course) in this third part of what I guess is the Mad Max trilogy. I haven't seen the first two, yet. He's wandering around the desert, loses some supplies and then goes into Barter Town, a really ugly place that Tina Turner (as Aunty Entity) runs - or is trying to run, at least. It looks like some kind of dominatrix circus with the way people dress in Barter Town. I SWEAR I SPOTTED BRITNEY SPEARS IN ONE FRAME!

This brings up the most interesting part of the film -- Tina Turner's costume. This movie should have been called Tina Turner's Costume. Scenes without Tina Turner in them mostly stink. The plot of this film is Mad Max is told to pick a fight with some monstrous guy called Blaster, who is part of Master Blaster, Master being the little person who rides around on his shoulders and tells him what to do. Master Blaster, when combined, is bossing Aunty Entity around and she doesn't like it - he does things like shut down her entire little freak town. He runs the energy department that's underground - their town runs on pig crap.

So, to entertain themselves, they fight in an arena called Thunderdome, which is kinda like our Survivor or American Idol, I guess, except what happens is two people enter and only one leaves -- because the other one is DEAD.

Mad Max and Blaster fight... and well, I won't spoil what happens, but I will say that... and I warn you, I'm about reveal the rest of the film...



It's kinda pointless, really, and boring. But Tina Turner's costume... Tina Turner makes this movie.

Thanks Sexy Tina's costume was great

Rachel Getting Married
(directed by Jonathan Demme, 2008)


Wow.


Wow!

I loved this movie. Anne Hathaway stars as Kym, the sister to Rachel, who is, obviously, getting married. She's a drug addict who's been in and out of rehab more times than Elizabeth Taylor and everyone looks at her like she's a huge freak.

This is the perfect family drama film. Why wasn't this movie named Best Picture at the last Oscars ceremony? The film really deserves a more thorough movie review from me, but alas, I've only seen it once. I DID have to stop watching it about an hour into it... but it was 11 o'clock at night and I was falling asleep ~ I had to. I did finish it, though, of course.

Poor Kym... she's really been through a lot.



And her family and friends aren't being too kind to her... she is like an alien at the wedding. The crazy family member. If she could just jump through the screen, she'd see that she's the star of a hit movie and maybe cheer up.

My favorite scene takes place near the end and involves Kym's cold mother... ooooh!

Another great scene is the night before the wedding at the dinner, where everyone is giving a little speech about the bride and groom. Poor Kym... surrounded by all of these judgemental nitpickers who see noise and annoyance instead of pain... Kym just wants to be loved. I identify with Kym and movies like these because I too have often felt like an outsider.

The wedding itself is both fun and obnoxious and the film spends a lot of time showing off the reception party with lots of outrageous dancing.

But it's the family drama and Kym's struggle for love, acceptance and amends that keeps the film going and keeps you watching.

Anne Hathaway is sublime. SEE IT.

I almost want to see Another Gay Sequel now judging by just how ridiculous it sounds.

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SEX DRIVE
(directed by Sean Anders, 2008)



Doesn't Seth Green look positively dreamy as an Amish guy? I used this picture on purpose - look at those eyes! I wish he was here to look at me that way.

Anyway, I loved Sex Drive and I'm not sure why. I watched the unrated version -- I was warned (by the makers of the film, actually) to watch the R rated version first, but I didn't. I checked the R rated film after I watched the unrated and it's definitely the same film.

Sex Drive is about 1 hour and 50 minutes long, I think -- but the pacing of the film makes it feel like it's driving along at 10 mph. This is my biggest complaint. Despite the long ride, I enjoyed myself and managed to find myself amused and laughing at times.

Basically, the plot of the movie is a guy wants to lose his virginity to a girl he's met on the internet, yet he's also got a major crush on this friend of his who happens to be female. He, she and their other male friend steal Seann William Scott's 1969 car (I forget what kind of car it was, but definitely remember the year) and drive to Tennessee to get the lead guy, Josh Zuckerman, laid.

Along the way they encounter Amish people, every kind of redneck you could imagine, psychos, very kinky women, and so on and so on.

The unrated version has naked women and naked men just randomly appearing in scenes for no reason at all -- literally, naked women run across the screen, pause for you to admire their nakedness, then trot off. I found it hilarious.

Not the best film ever made, but definitely not crap.

Step Brothers
(directed by Adam McKay, 2008)



Oh, dear. Unfortunately, Step Brothers was a little out of step.

I thought that the step mom, played by Mary Steenburgen, was actually funnier than the step brothers.

Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins are getting married -- Mary's moving in with Richard, and she's bringing her son, Will Ferrell, along. Richard Jenkins' son, John C. Reilly, already lives at the house and he'll be sharing a room with Will Ferrell. Will and John -- or actually, I should start using character names for once -- BRENNAN and DALE are both around 40 years old, but they act like 10 year olds. LITERALLY.

This isn't what's wrong with the film, though -- and, also, in my opinion, Step Brothers isn't as bad as some other "comedies" I've seen out there. But it'll sure make you appreciate something like Observe and Report even more.

I dunno how to describe it... it's just a manic mess. There are fart jokes. There are white dog poop jokes. There's an out of control, sex craved sister-in-law who falls heels over head in love with DALE (John C. Reilly). That was kind of funny, but could have been better.

The pacing was certainly a lot better than Sex Drive's, but it made me do something I hate doing...

I fast forwarded through the last ten minutes. I saw and understood what happened, but I was READY TO SHUT THAT THING OFF!

Oh yeah, I remember something that I thought of when I was actually watching the movie -- This is the kind of movie that monkeys should sit down and watch, because Brennan and Dale are a lot like monkeys. By the end of the film, both of them are even hanging out in a tree and wearing Chewbacca masks. Monkeys would like this movie -- for awhile. Then they'd probably fling some poop at the television screen.

Man, I actually, well I like Step Brothers.

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I used to be addicted to crystal meth, now I'm just addicted to Breaking Bad.