Ask Psychic Isaac

Hello Everybody!

I am Psychic Isaac. I am a helpful psychic with God-given powers and no crystal ball. I have been psychic all of my life and my predictions are 99% accurate! God sent me here on a mission to help those who need my services - which are FREE. I've already got enough money to spend - and believe me, I do spend it (stop messing up my hair, Cherry!)

So if you have a question for Psychic Isaac, lay one on me! Go right ahead and I'll try to respond ASAP!

Isaac!

Brilliant.

You are brilliant, Chris Bowyer! Brilliance is your middle name!

P.I., where in the Hell did I leave my car keys?

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"Film is a disease. When it infects your bloodstream it takes over as the number one hormone. It bosses the enzymes, directs the pineal gland, plays Iago to your psyche. As with heroin, the antidote to Film is more Film." - Frank Capra

I think you ate them on accident! Check the toilet bowl in three days.

"Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around."

Nope, definitely didn't eat them: I'm a vegetarian but my key ring has some leather attached to it, so that wouldn't have happened. And for the record, I always check my stools. It may seem unnecessary to some or even gross, but at least I'm keeping the latex glove people in business. It does get a bit awkward in public restrooms, but that really can't be avoided.

No, where in my house did I leave my car keys? Seriously, I can't find them.

A very vegetarian kudos to you! I'm a vegetarian myself - you should be these days, my friends. My spirit guide, Alexis, told me all about the dangers of meat. I'll tell you all about that later! And I'm glad that you inspect your stools too. You know there's a museum in California dedicated to objects that have been found in people's stools. It's incredible. I went there once with my fellow psychic friend, Vivian Rossland.

As for your car keys - I SERIOUSLY think you should check the bathroom. I know I saw a toilet bowl in my vision.

However, I want you to stay out of your closet. There's a ghost in there named Linda Janglewood - she was murdered and left in there by her husband. Her son is also haunting your place, and his name is Woody, or Woodrow. Sometimes you'll feel him jump on your bed at night. They won't harm you, but Linda is disturbing. She sometimes makes moaning and death-like sounds. Tell them to go to God.

Nope, wrong again, oh not-so-psychic one. My wife Linda was indeed murdered, but I slaughtered and buried her in the garage, nowhere near a closet of any kind.

I checked all three bathrooms, and no car keys. I did find a partially eaten sandwich behind one bowl - I often dine while on the crapper: garbage in, garbage out, you know.


I guess I'll just walk everywhere for a while, since you are no help at all in locating my keys. No wonder you don't take money - the massive refund process would consume all your time.

Liar! Tell me another lie and I'll have one of my friends at the police department check that garage, mister. *points finger at you*

Really, that's interesting. I like to meditate there. It makes the process feel so much more heavenly.

You'll find it - I know you will! And I don't take money because I have another full paying job - and this is a God given gift I have. If I don't use it wisely, he'll take it away!

I'd shop around for another God if'n I were you. Or at least get yours to pony up my keys, pronto! Perhaps He thinks this is funny? I hate those prank-pullin' deities. It's why I'm no longer a Moonie: one shaving cream pie to the face too many from old Reverend Sun (the bastard).

You are the worst psychic I've dealt with since Miss Cleo. She couldn't help me find my blue dress socks - "look behind the couch", she kept saying. Horesh!t. Turns out my wife Linda accidentally gave them to the mailman she was screwing, which is of course why I had to kill them both. But did Miss Cleo see any of THAT coming?!? Nooooooo. And now, not only can you not find my keys, but you doubt I'm even telling the truth! Go and call the cops, fatAss, see if I care! They'll never take me alive anyway!

GOD IS NOT SOMETHING YOU GO SHOPPING FOR! He is not the Taylor in Lord & Taylor! He is GOD - the ONLY, ONE GOD there is! And I've *seen* him! And when people throw pies at your face, you eat them!

GASP! How DARE you compare me to HER! You didn't even speak to Miss Cleo, you liar! She was just the promoter who did the commercials - phony housebound women with scripts talked to you on the phone! Miss Cleo.... PLEASE!

FatAss?! FATASS?! I'll have you know that I love this fat ass - so much that I bend over in front of a mirror every night and squeeze all of that good old flesh. My spirit guide, Alexis, loves it too. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and she's spanking it. Nasty little spirit guide I've got! By the way, your spirit guide's name is Onslow. Sorry - male spirit guides aren't much fun!

And you're still not telling the truth, Ruth!

Again, a psychic who even doubts what I'm telling him. How dare ye. My posts have been filled with exactly as much fact as yours. And that's the double-truth, Ruth!

And still, no car keys.

You're still a good soul and your car keys will appear promptly. Bless ye heart.

*URP*

My modem is looking at me with those puppy dog eyes...

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www.esotericrabbit.com

It's a sign. You're going to be getting a new puppy dog soon! Have fun!

Isaac!

Psychic Isaac, will I ever be president of the United States?

HELL NO! Gimme a break! You're just a sexy celebrity for life - it's your nature. Now go eat your breakfast, boy!

Isaac!

PI, Why did god make me such a handsome devil and forsake all these other, well, ugly men?

I am chosen aren't I?