The Joke Thread

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This is one my friend told me a while ago, I don't know if it's necessarily funny, but I just found it clever:

An American prisoner, An Indian prisoner, an Asian prisoner, and an Irish prisoner on death row were standing outside waiting to recieve their sentence.

But the Asian man came up with a clever idea. "Earthquake!" He chanted and the prison guards along with the prisoners looked around in fear to find the earthquake. In the ruckus, the Asian man chuckled and ran away to freedom.

Once the Indian man saw this he indeed thought it had been clever, he wanted to escape as well, so he tried it on for size. "Volcano!" he shouted and once again everyone panicked and looked around for the volcano. As they looked away, he too chuckled and ran away to freedom.

Now the Irishman was seeing what an ingenious trick this was, so he was going to try and escape as the other two had done. Thinking quckly he shouted, "Thunderstorm!" and the guards and the only prisoner left besides himself looked up into the sky, and as they were the Irishman chuckled and snuck away to freedom.

Now the American was the only one left, yet he knew what he had to do. All of the others had had success in their trickery, and he planned to be no different. Thinking quickly now, as the guards were becoming flustered, he took up all the strength he could muster and shouted "Fire!",

and was shot dead.

That's why America will be a land of Asians in the near future.
__________________
"It's not the destination, but the things you learn on the way there"



Will your system be alright, when you dream of home tonight?
Mr. T was actually raised by a tribe of wookies living high in the Sierra mountains. They blessed him with the ability to pity fools and taught him their sacred language of Jibba Jabba.
__________________
I used to be addicted to crystal meth, now I'm just addicted to Breaking Bad.
Originally Posted by Yoda
If I were buying a laser gun I'd definitely take the XF-3800 before I took the "Pew Pew Pew Fun Gun."



I am half agony, half hope.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test
The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician
asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff,
cruise stuff, or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get
out.'
__________________
If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.

Johann von Goethe



A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test
The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician
asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
__________________
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha



President George Bush is called by the Secretary of State and informed that 3 Brazillion soldiers had been killed in Iraq.
After a moment of constant crying, the President regains his composure and gets back on the phone. In a great agony he replies,

"And just how many is a brazillion?"

~~~~~~~~~~

An Italian man comes up with one of the highest quality bank robberies ever committed. His elaborate plan is a great success, and he runs out of the bank with almost every cent they held in the vaults. He loads them up in his ride and tries to make an escape, but to his dismay, is not able to.
The police catch up with him trying to get the car to start, take him out and bring him to the slammer. Laughing, they asked him how such a well thought out plan could have gone so wrong, to which he replied,

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"



I like this one too:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an M.B.A. from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! And, from there, you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?" said the Mexican?

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep and play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends."
Like this one,it's more of a philosophical story rather than a joke.
read it when I was in high school in another language.



What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's made of plastic and dangerous for small children to play with, and the other holds groceries.
interesting.



I am half agony, half hope.
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'



A teacher asks her class,

"If there are five birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy. He answers,
"None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your
thinking."

Then little Ralphy says, "Now I have a question for you.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream.

One is neatly licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream;


The second is gobbling down the top and scarfing the cone;

And the third is biting off the top.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, answers "Well, I suppose it'd be the one gobbling the top and scarfing down the cone."

To which Little Ralphy replies;

"The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."



A Man, a Duck, and a Horse enter a bar all at the same time.
__________________
“The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton



I am half agony, half hope.
Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."



In the Beginning...
Terrible joke #731:

q. What do ducks smoke in East L.A.?

a. Quack.


Terrible joke #896:

Did you guys know that in Mexico the people there love mayonnaise? I know it's hard to believe, but it's a lesser known fact. What's even lesser known is that on its fateful maiden voyage in 1912, the Titanic was carrying a large shipment of Hellmann's mayonnaise which it was scheduled to deliver to Veracruz in Mexico after shipping off from New York City. But as we all know, the Titanic never made it to port, and all that mayonnaise went down with the ship. As a result, the Mexican people created a holiday to celebrate the tragedy, and called it...

...Cinco de Mayo.



Barbie!

On his way home a father remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

At a toy store he asked the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answered, "Which one? We Have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asked: " Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

Annoyed, the salesman answered: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and Ken's Best Friend.

---------------------------------------------------

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"



I am half agony, half hope.
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"



Cliff's Buffalo Theory

This is credited to an episode of Cheers in which Cliff explains to Norm the 'Buffalo Theory':

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain
can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive
drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And
that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
__________________
If I felt any better I'd be sick!
Envy is mental theft. If you covet another mans possessions, then you should be willing to take on his responsibilities, heartaches, and troubles, along with his money. D. Koontz



Welcome to the human race...
A Man, a Duck, and a Horse enter a bar all at the same time.
The bartender looks at them and goes, "Is this a joke?"
__________________
I really just want you all angry and confused the whole time.
Iro's Top 100 Movies v3.0



A woman enters the doctor's office carrying her baby. When the doctor calls her back there for her turn, he asks what is wrong. She says, "Doctor, I've been breast-feeding my baby but the baby doesn't seem to be getting any weight. Do you think something is wrong?" The doctor asks, "Do you mind to undress and take your bra off?" The woman does as told and the doctor touches them, examines them, flaps them around. Then the doctor looks up at her and goes, "Mam, no wonder this baby isn't gaining any weight. There's no milk in these breasts." She dresses herself and smiles at the doctor. Then she says, "Well I'm the baby's grandmother but thank you for the check-up."



Two hunters are walking through the woods when one of them trips over a root sticking up out of the ground. His neck begins to bleed and he stops breathing. The other hunter calls the police form his cell phone and says, "Please help me! My friend just tripped over a root and his neck is bleeding, and he is not breathing!" The person on the other line says, "Stay calm. First, make sure he's dead." The person on the other line waits until she finally hears a loud bang. The hunter returns to the phone and says, "Now what?"