Do I rat on a friend?

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My apologies . Too often, I've seen indignant people, men and women, abhor cheating only to dismiss it when it surrounds their friends.

I have no romantic interest. People think we are close friends but we don't see each other that often. Her vapid, vacuous nature has helped me out when dealing with trivial matters. For those reasons, I have a sense of loyalty. A quality which I find admirable.

In general, why would I remain friends with a cheater? I don't see the problem. They're not murderers and haven't slighted me. It's the circumstances of this case that bothers me.



Chappie doesn't like the real world
I am extremely loyal to my friends, which is why I stated that I would never talk about my friends the way you are yours. My friend's behavior might bother me and I might ask for advice for how to deal with it, but I would never call any of them vapid or uninteresting. Reread your posts, "her vapid and vacuous nature help you deal with trivial matters" ? I still don't understand what you get out of the friendship and I think you may have a misguided view of what being loyal is.
It's not that she cheated that I wouldn't be her friend, it's the way you tell us that she is handling it. The way that people treat other people is the way that they will treat you and if she has no problem lying and going into a marriage in the manner that she is what would she do to her friend that thinks her a vacuous idiot?

I don't expect my friends to be perfect. One of my friends had too much to drink at a party. She made out with someone briefly; stopped when she realized what she was doing and then was honest with her husband about what happened. She also stopped drinking to that excess and not put herself in situations where she is vulnerable to temptation. Those are the people that I have in my life. They screw up but then they do the best to fix it and not make the same mistakes over again. Besides, if her behavior doesn't bother you that much, why did you feel the need to ask for advice?



Of course, the degree to which you value loyalty is simultaneously the degree to which you would have to condemn her behavior.

Being a friend to someone means expecting more of them, too. It's not just a platonic partnership, done for mutual gain, so that your only concern lies with whether or not they wrong you. To be friends with someone is to, on some level, sanction their behavior.



Blowe46, are you perhaps gay? Maybe you're into your friend's boyfriend. That could explain why you obsessively want to help him and why you also have a bitchy friendship with your lady friend. It isn't that you're attracted to her -- she's your friend, but you're gay, so the two of you have a Joan Crawford / Bette Davis kind of friendship. Rivalry.



YOU KNOW THAT BITCH IS CHEATING ON HER BOYFRIEND AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT!

YOU LOVE HIM AND YOU WANT TO HELP HIM!

YOU WANT HER GONE! GONE! GONNNNNNNNNNE! SO THEN IT CAN ONLY BE THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.

You and him will go away far... far from her. Far from all of the misery she causes. Yes. It will be you and him. In love. Forever and ever.

That's why you like the fact that she brings beautiful women around you -- it helps put up a front so nobody realizes you're gay. Yes. Yes, that's it. That's what's troubling ya. You're trying to find the courage to tell her man so he'll realize that you love him.



Chappie doesn't like the real world
Of course, the degree to which you value loyalty is simultaneously the degree to which you would have to condemn her behavior.

Being a friend to someone means expecting more of them, too. It's not just a platonic partnership, done for mutual gain, so that your only concern lies with whether or not they wrong you. To be friends with someone is to, on some level, sanction their behavior.
I completely agree with that. We keep talking about the fiancée, but the truth of the matter is that if this marriage happens it's not going to be any good for her either. He's the one we sympathize with because he's being blindsided, but if I were her friend, it's not what I would want for her either.



I completely think this guy is gay and in love with this woman's boyfriend. I'm sorry for outing someone, but here are the clues:

  • The obsession with the issue. The anonymity of talking about everything on the internet. The strong desire to see this guy he claims he doesn't know well leave this woman whom he says isn't a close friend, yet people think they're close. The way he talks down about her. The fact that she helps him look good by being beautiful (gay guys like having beautiful women around them) and she brings other beautiful women around him.
  • The woman and her boyfriend have been dating for a long time and he wouldn't pop the question. The OP might have been watching their relationship and her boyfriend for awhile -- could her boyfriend be a closeted gay man? Is he not popping the question because he's gay? Did the OP meet him and find him attractive and has been secretly hoping they'd break up? Maybe the boyfriend is a closeted gay man, himself. HELL, let's think even more scandalously -- maybe the OP and the boyfriend HAVE BEEN TOGETHER AT SOME POINT.
  • He said he also joined the forum because he likes movies. Movies are a major interest with gay men.
  • He described himself as witty. But his female friend doesn't understand his witty humor. Probably because he's gay and his humor is much more advanced and she's stuck in a backwoods heterosexual woman mindset of humor.
  • His username is BLOWE46. Blowe as in... blowjob? Is he fixated on the act of the blowjob? The act his female friend engaged in with a man. Is he thinking about the blowjob she gave? Is he secretly wishing he could give a guy a blowjob?
  • This female friend comes to him for advice. Sex advice. And yet they're apparently not the strongest of friends and she's mostly helped him professionally? GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
  • He's afraid to have dinner with her and her boyfriend. He feels like a "third wheel." Is this because of a secret love triangle between the three of them where he's romantically interested in the boyfriend? We know he's not interested in her... he says this over and over.
  • How old is he? She's 28, we know. How old is he? Why is he so single? We hear of the friend having the power to bring women his way, but that's all he says. He mentions dating some other woman and being told that she WAS CHEATING ON HIM (of course she was -- because he can't perform for her well in bed since he's gay). He takes this OKAY. In fact, he tries to be friends with the woman who told him -- NONCHALANTLY she told him, in fact. As if she knew it would be no big deal. As if she had an instinct and knew he was probably gay and wouldn't care a bit.
  • He says there's a great moral principle here. GAAAAAAAAAAAY.
  • He makes it clear very early on in his first post -- "I NEVER FOUND HER APPEALING IN A ROMANTIC WAY." Why state this, then? What's so great about saying this? What's so IMPORTANT about saying this?
  • The way he describes the woman's boyfriend -- "she found a TIMID but very smart PhD student." Timid, eh? You like timid guys, Blowe46? And then he goes, "I didn't get the connection until I realized his meager experience." WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN? His meager experience? Does it mean he's thin and lean? Are you looking at his body, Blowe46, and checking him out? Do you like his meager experience?
  • He said, "He's educated (which I value a lot) and kind." Oh, really? And yet nothing very kind about the female friend is said in regards to her personality.
  • He said, "She's pretty, but he can do better." He's SO FIXATED ON THE GREATNESS OF THIS MAN! He's Nick from The Great Gatsby!!
  • Again, he's bitchy and negative about his female friend.
  • He wishes "for personal justice for both of them." Meaning he wants his female friend to suffer and he wants the boyfriend TO BE REWARDED WITH SOMETHING BETTER. This female friend is good to him -- helps him with his professional career -- brings babes his way -- AND HE WANTS TO SEE THE BOYFRIEND DO BETTER!
  • He's choosing to just be silent -- yeah, LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY.
  • The way he describes other straight men -- "How many would just high five??" This is comical. It is a gay man looking at the straight male world from the outside and thinking it's all just a bunch of high fives. He isn't clued in to the world of straight men when it comes to this issue. He doesn't feel comfortable thinking like a man. He hasn't had much experience. He's had meager experience.
  • The words he uses to describe his female friend -- "vapid", "vacuous". Who talks that way about a woman except a gay man?! What kind of straight man goes around saying, "OH, SHE IS SO VAPID! SHE IS SO VACUOUS!" Come on! Straight men don't talk like that. They certainly don't use words like that for women. I'm sorry, guys, but you don't. And this man doesn't use a lot of other colorful words, either, except when he says those words. GAAAAAAAAAAAY.

You, Sir, are a gay man. Your problem is that you need to come out of the closet. GET OUT, ALREADY!




I was going to ignore your troll attempts but this had me laughing for a good while. Nicely done

I completely think this guy is gay and in love with this woman's boyfriend. I'm sorry for outing someone, but here are the clues:

  • The obsession with the issue. The anonymity of talking about everything on the internet. The strong desire to see this guy he claims he doesn't know well leave this woman whom he says isn't a close friend, yet people think they're close. The way he talks down about her. The fact that she helps him look good by being beautiful (gay guys like having beautiful women around them) and she brings other beautiful women around him.
  • The woman and her boyfriend have been dating for a long time and he wouldn't pop the question. The OP might have been watching their relationship and her boyfriend for awhile -- could her boyfriend be a closeted gay man? Is he not popping the question because he's gay? Did the OP meet him and find him attractive and has been secretly hoping they'd break up? Maybe the boyfriend is a closeted gay man, himself. HELL, let's think even more scandalously -- maybe the OP and the boyfriend HAVE BEEN TOGETHER AT SOME POINT.
  • He said he also joined the forum because he likes movies. Movies are a major interest with gay men.
  • He described himself as witty. But his female friend doesn't understand his witty humor. Probably because he's gay and his humor is much more advanced and she's stuck in a backwoods heterosexual woman mindset of humor.
  • His username is BLOWE46. Blowe as in... blowjob? Is he fixated on the act of the blowjob? The act his female friend engaged in with a man. Is he thinking about the blowjob she gave? Is he secretly wishing he could give a guy a blowjob?
  • This female friend comes to him for advice. Sex advice. And yet they're apparently not the strongest of friends and she's mostly helped him professionally? GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
  • He's afraid to have dinner with her and her boyfriend. He feels like a "third wheel." Is this because of a secret love triangle between the three of them where he's romantically interested in the boyfriend? We know he's not interested in her... he says this over and over.
  • How old is he? She's 28, we know. How old is he? Why is he so single? We hear of the friend having the power to bring women his way, but that's all he says. He mentions dating some other woman and being told that she WAS CHEATING ON HIM (of course she was -- because he can't perform for her well in bed since he's gay). He takes this OKAY. In fact, he tries to be friends with the woman who told him -- NONCHALANTLY she told him, in fact. As if she knew it would be no big deal. As if she had an instinct and knew he was probably gay and wouldn't care a bit.
  • He says there's a great moral principle here. GAAAAAAAAAAAY.
  • He makes it clear very early on in his first post -- "I NEVER FOUND HER APPEALING IN A ROMANTIC WAY." Why state this, then? What's so great about saying this? What's so IMPORTANT about saying this?
  • The way he describes the woman's boyfriend -- "she found a TIMID but very smart PhD student." Timid, eh? You like timid guys, Blowe46? And then he goes, "I didn't get the connection until I realized his meager experience." WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN? His meager experience? Does it mean he's thin and lean? Are you looking at his body, Blowe46, and checking him out? Do you like his meager experience?
  • He said, "He's educated (which I value a lot) and kind." Oh, really? And yet nothing very kind about the female friend is said in regards to her personality.
  • He said, "She's pretty, but he can do better." He's SO FIXATED ON THE GREATNESS OF THIS MAN! He's Nick from The Great Gatsby!!
  • Again, he's bitchy and negative about his female friend.
  • He wishes "for personal justice for both of them." Meaning he wants his female friend to suffer and he wants the boyfriend TO BE REWARDED WITH SOMETHING BETTER. This female friend is good to him -- helps him with his professional career -- brings babes his way -- AND HE WANTS TO SEE THE BOYFRIEND DO BETTER!
  • He's choosing to just be silent -- yeah, LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY.
  • The way he describes other straight men -- "How many would just high five??" This is comical. It is a gay man looking at the straight male world from the outside and thinking it's all just a bunch of high fives. He isn't clued in to the world of straight men when it comes to this issue. He doesn't feel comfortable thinking like a man. He hasn't had much experience. He's had meager experience.
  • The words he uses to describe his female friend -- "vapid", "vacuous". Who talks that way about a woman except a gay man?! What kind of straight man goes around saying, "OH, SHE IS SO VAPID! SHE IS SO VACUOUS!" Come on! Straight men don't talk like that. They certainly don't use words like that for women. I'm sorry, guys, but you don't. And this man doesn't use a lot of other colorful words, either, except when he says those words. GAAAAAAAAAAAY.

You, Sir, are a gay man. Your problem is that you need to come out of the closet. GET OUT, ALREADY!



Being a friend to someone means expecting more of them, too. It's not just a platonic partnership, done for mutual gain, so that your only concern lies with whether or not they wrong you. To be friends with someone is to, on some level, sanction their behavior.
By this standard, we are not good friends. I have helped her a lot in her professional life, but she hasn't grown.. I still expect her to freak out in the face of stress. I can't speak on her behalf and her expectations of me.

I will have to gradually excommunicate. The breaking point is contingent on her acceptance of the proposal.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
Oh, so she hasn't even accepted the proposal?

At this point there isn't even anything to rat on.
__________________
It reminds me of a toilet paper on the trees
- Paula



Oh, so she hasn't even accepted the proposal?

At this point there isn't even anything to rat on.
No, but I think that's a formality in my view. She's been desiring one for a while. The boyfriend bought the ring, she knows about it, and it's a matter of time.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
I get it now. She knows he has the ring because he told the parents and they told her, but he doesn't know they told her. But why hasn't he asked her yet? Maybe he is having second thoughts.



I was going to ignore your troll attempts but this had me laughing for a good while. Nicely done
Not trolling. Glad you laughed, but laughing it off sounds like another clue to me.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
Never rat out a friend
To betray a confidence
Common sense
Says being a rat
Isn't cool
Even Peter O'Toole
Would agree with that
A friend is a friend until the end
So zip your mouth
If you want to be judgmental
Move to the South
Or be a star witness
The next time Hollywood has a blacklist



Sorry Harmonica.......I got to stay here.
Blowe, you need to tell this poor bastard now to help him avoid entanglements once she ropes him into having kids.

Then you must purge all the sluts from your life.
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http://earlsmoviepicks.blogspot.com/



It's nice to see such a substantive discussion on a movie forum! I am sorry that your immoral friend has put you in such a difficult position. Honestly, I don't know why you are friends with this person. She's uninteresting, vapid, not very intelligent, you can't have a substantive conversation with her, and she's pretty morally bankrupt as a person. That really doesn't sound like a winner to me!



On the substance of the larger point, I think any time you are parsing the impact that something is going to have on you rather than the impact that it would have on the person who has been wronged, you are probably doing the wrong thing. This unsuspecting, by all accounts decent guy, is about to walk through a minefield. You have the knowledge to prevent that from happening, and yet you are weighing whether or not it would be better for you to remain silent. That, in my opinion, is not a moral act. It is a selfish one.

At the very least, I would end my friendship with this person. To me, character and reliability are the two most important aspects of friendship. If a friend has demonstrated to me that they have little to no character, that would not be someone that I would want to have in my life. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but this woman did not make a casual mistake she is seeking to rectify. She is considering carrying on an on-going affair while she is actively considering marrying someone else. That is not a moral person. If it were me, and I knew this person at all, I would tell him. If I didn't know him, that would make things more difficult, but at a minimum, I would lean heavily on this woman to tell him. If she refused to do that, I would end my relationship with her. I would explain to her that if she is straying now, and she is not able to commit to this man and be faithful at this stage, than that does not bode well for them being a successful married couple. It really is better for them both for her to move on.

As for the other comments about letting "nature take its course" and not interfering with other people's lives, I honestly think all of that is pretty much nonsense. This type of rationale can be used to justify all sorts of really immoral things. If we see someone abusing their child, we should not interfere because it is not our business. If we see someone commit fraud, we shouldn't tell the old woman whose life savings is being stolen because it's not our business. This is the type of mentality that led to a million people dying in Rwanda. Of course, we cannot intervene in every situation, but having some kind of blanket non-interventionist policy is not moral. It's cowardice. Self-interested reasons like I enjoy the attention I get from other girls when I am with my immoral but very attractive friend, are not moral rationales. They are self-interested ones. You should tell him. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, end your friendship with this woman. Not telling him and carrying on a relationship with her is not an option I'd even be considering.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
Honestly, I don't know why you are friends with this person. She's uninteresting, vapid, not very intelligent, you can't have a substantive conversation with her, and she's pretty morally bankrupt as a person. That really doesn't sound like a winner to me!


She is pretty and he is a man.



planet news's Avatar
Registered User
why does this thread still



Sorry Harmonica.......I got to stay here.
On the substance of the larger point, I think any time you are parsing the impact that something is going to have on you rather than the impact that it would have on the person who has been wronged, you are probably doing the wrong thing. This unsuspecting, by all accounts decent guy, is about to walk through a minefield. You have the knowledge to prevent that from happening, and yet you are weighing whether or not it would be better for you to remain silent. That, in my opinion, is not a moral act. It is a selfish one.

At the very least, I would end my friendship with this person. To me, character and reliability are the two most important aspects of friendship. If a friend has demonstrated to me that they have little to no character, that would not be someone that I would want to have in my life. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but this woman did not make a casual mistake she is seeking to rectify. She is considering carrying on an on-going affair while she is actively considering marrying someone else. That is not a moral person. If it were me, and I knew this person at all, I would tell him. If I didn't know him, that would make things more difficult, but at a minimum, I would lean heavily on this woman to tell him. If she refused to do that, I would end my relationship with her. I would explain to her that if she is straying now, and she is not able to commit to this man and be faithful at this stage, than that does not bode well for them being a successful married couple. It really is better for them both for her to move on.

As for the other comments about letting "nature take its course" and not interfering with other people's lives, I honestly think all of that is pretty much nonsense. This type of rationale can be used to justify all sorts of really immoral things. If we see someone abusing their child, we should not interfere because it is not our business. If we see someone commit fraud, we shouldn't tell the old woman whose life savings is being stolen because it's not our business. This is the type of mentality that led to a million people dying in Rwanda. Of course, we cannot intervene in every situation, but having some kind of blanket non-interventionist policy is not moral. It's cowardice. Self-interested reasons like I enjoy the attention I get from other girls when I am with my immoral but very attractive friend, are not moral rationales. They are self-interested ones. You should tell him. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, end your friendship with this woman. Not telling him and carrying on a relationship with her is not an option I'd even be considering.
Well said



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
Planet News' advice is rat on her not for moral reasons, but for the fun of it.