Keyser Corleone's Movie Memoirs

Sorry I didn't upload a review yesterday for a Spike Lee movie. I had a get together with my two brothers at a church. To be honest, it was a pretty lowbrow get together for a church group. All we did was build gingerbread houses, watch Elf and playing the saran wrap game. It was a good get together, but if life has taught me anything, it's that there are plenty of places on Earth where philosophical discussions and places are not so tight and red-hot as Reddit. Movieforums is a good example, as the users are still in a not-so-heated discussion about the ethics of race-swapping.

And now I review Jungle Fever, the heaviest modern racial commentary I've exposed myself to. This is the story of tension arising between the families of an intersex relationship: an Italian woman who likes people, and a married black man with a color complex. Our leading man, Flipper (Wesley Snipes) has enough difficulty with his heavily religious parents and his crackhead brother Gator (Samuel L. Jackson in a PERFECT performance). But when Flipper is thrown out of his house by his wife and starts living with his new girlfriend, things aren't as easy as they seem.

Gonna write this while listening to one of the songs from the movie: Living for the City, from my favorite African-American album: Innervisions by Stevie Wonder. The first hour is where most of the actual racial commentary happens. On a basic level, the commentary is dense, even though it reeks of discrimination from all sides of the skin-color pencil box. Whether it's a bunch of black women talking about how white women want some black meat or whether or not it's about an Italian family not allowing any other race to be a part of their family, it's all uncomfortable to hear.

And I'm sorry, but Flipper's family is just ****ED UP. This is not a family I enjoyed watching at all, because eveerytime Flipper or Gator's issues became a family thing, I just got more disappointed with them. At least Jackson played Gator very well. But the way the family plot lines are resolved are brutal, thrown in and leave a bad taste. And then there's some nasty stuff going on in the Italian families of the film, not only our girl Angie's family with a father who went maniacal as soon as he heard about the relationship, but also with Paulie, a guy who used to date Angie and is starting to hit it off with a black woman. His friends and family treat him like crap and disown him for this. Oh my god. This is what we got for a plot.

And my final criticism: not enough Stevie Wonder. Stevie's the best soul artist on Earth IMO, and if you're gonna promote Stevie in the stylistic opening credits, you gotta have more focus on it. Hell, just turn Jungle Fever into a Stevie Wonder musical already.

OK, I'm not a fan of this, really. Among the good acting and clever direction is just too much racial commentary that never progresses beyond discomfort. There's way too much hate and unresolved family situations. Jungle Fever tests the boundaries of acceptable family issues in film way to often, and is a consistently uncomfortable movie that doesn't resolve the themes with the dense commentary on racism and drugs, neither of which mold very well. It felt thrown together, incomplete and uncomfortable, although this does mean the drama was effective. And the effect drama was keeping the movie watchable until the third act which just gets wild and hard to watch.

Today, I'm only gonna write one review, and it's a very rare movie that I was looking for due to its connection with a total crapfest known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On, which at the time of writing this review is one of my two nominations for the second Hall of Infamy: same director. And I couldn't find it until today.



Camillo Teti is the one responsible for the travesty known as Titanic: The Legend Goes On, and you'd think after the first time he'd learn. Nerp. Lemme go over this as quickly as possible.

Jason loves space stuff, and he and his scientist grandfather wanna find real aliens, right? Well his mom finds a weird rock she thinks is Jason's, and this rock has the power to teleport people. Jason goes to an alien-infested meteor and meets Yo-Rhad, a kid who tells Jason the meteor's headed towards Earth, and that Earthlings are planning on blowing up the meteor for obstructing their view of Venus.



So now Jason has to bring Yo-Rhad to Earth, and hide him while he and his grandfather find a way to save Earth before an obviously evil alien decides to destroy humans first instead because why the **** not, Teti-boy?

OK, so our plot is completely thrown together from plenty of other kid-meets-alien movies, including the glowing rocks. And does the plot ever go anywhere? Not really. Half the movie is meeting random underdeveloped characters while trying to find different places to hide our alien from the public, and most notably, a couple of bullies, one pretending to be tough and another just being stupid. They're such terrible characters that they make Bulk and Skull look like role models.

And OH MY GOD this is the worst voice acting on the planet. If you were ever embarrassed by the voice acting of Dora the Explorer, or by minor characters from 4Kids shows, you got it easy. None of it is convincing in the slightest. I mean, our main character Jason could;ve been played by an actual kid and it would've been better acting. I'm certain this was yet another woman pretending to be a kid, and that's not a problem in general (the world would be incomplete without Pamela Adlon). But this woman clearly didn't have any training. She was cheap and easy to pay. Bottom line, like everyone else here. Nobody puts any heart into their performances, and most voices are so annoying that the movie was painful to hear.

And the animation somehow manages to be worse than Titanic: The Legend Goes On. I almost prefer the plethora of knockoff Disney characters and subplots than this one plot that has absolutely no quality overall. The aliens are ass ugly knockoffs of E.T. blended with some Toad Patrol cuteness with the cuteness sucked out. Seriously. Take this adorable piece.



Add some E.T. and we get this.




And these kids that are supposed to be aiding Jason on his little adventure have no development, that tiny mention about Yo-Rhad's mother being the queen of the aliens (oh, like it qualifies as a spoiler?) means absolutely nothing, the villain makes like four appearances and all he does is scream with another terrible voice actor. And his "still evil" plot twist doesn't do anything for the movie, like most of the plot points.

Well, I didn't think Camillo Teti would make something worse than Titanic: The Legend Goes On, but he did. At least his Titanic mockbuster tried to be something. This is nothing but a cheap cash grab made with nothing but the ideals of how to save money on something most people wouldn't buy. This is nothing but a joke.

Alright, so having done quite a bit of Joe D'Amato, Bernard L. Kowalski and Spike Lee over the past couple weeks, I randomly chose another director I had experienced before, Tony Randal, and decided to study his movies for the week or so. I had experienced his work with his most popular movie, Hellraiser II. Naturally, my first instinct was to check out his Amityville entry: It's About Time, but checking his filmography, Ticks caught my eye, reminding me of similar movies like Slugs. Ready for a cheesefest, I turned it on, and while it ewasn't the biggest cheesefest... this was a lot of fun.

Psychologicallty screwed by a stunt his dad pulled when he was a kid, Tyler (Seth Green) is sent to an outdoor camp group for troubled teens, including the daughter of the campgrounds runner and a hoodlum from the streets. They have no idea that they're close to a marijuana operation run by a couple of hicks, as well as a bunch of mutant ticks who poison people, sending them hallucinations before they die.

OK, I'll admit that this was a pretty simple horror movie in this regard. We get a lot of horror movies like this. For a mid-90's movie, this felt like it belonged in the mid-80's. The direction and SFX kind of made that clear. Not to mention, none of the performers are really standing out, not even Seth Green. I mean, nobody here is that bad, but they aren't "good" either. And the major plot progression is more or less kinda simple.

Having said that, THIS MOVIE ****ING SCARED ME. Horror movies DON'T scare me. Even when I could predict the end result of a scare, I was having a wild ride. The scary moments are not only brought out by realistic tick puppetry, but skillfully directed and lit by Tony Randel in a way that feels like Malignant's little brother. And you should know, I really liked Malignant. I mean, that giant tick in the movie felt like a real monster, as if The Thing was being recreated. The climax felt real, fast-paced and action-centered without steering into action movie territory. And I recall the perfect lighting yet again (you could use some Advice from Tony Randel, Mr. Brett Kelly).

This brings me to the gore factor. It's never too much, even though some would classify this as a splatter film. The gore was definitely there, but it was never so much that it got in the way of the fear. It all felt real, even when squishing ticks. This is another way in which the SFX help the movie. We can also pair this with the delivery of the smaller details and subplots of the film, which go together well enough to make the movie an actual story of survival rather than just another monster cash grab.

Ticks is some solid fun for the B-Movie fan and is in the same league as Hellraiser II, which I thought was a decent sequel. Because of the surprising realism put in the effects and otherwise impossible plot, the movie is an understated classic with some obvious strengths and obvious flaws, and I would easily watch it again. Hell, it's the kind of movie I'd bring over to a friend's house for a Halloween marathon.

= 66/100.

I like the first LOTR movie quite a bit, but I'm not sure how well I'd respond to the extended version.

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As the host for the upcoming Movieforums top 100 war movies list, I'm going to watch as many war movies as possible and post my ballot at the end. I'm even planning on re-evaluating some movies that would've made it on if I decided to submit it on the first day. There is no guarantee over what will and won't make it onto my list. But it motivated me to finally check out the other Abel Gance giant: J'Accuse. I saw Napoleon a few years ago and thought it was absolutely brilliant. And now I have some similar compliments to share with his earlier tearjerker.

Going off to fight for the French in WWI, Jean can't fight the fact that he's in love with his friend Francois's wife, Edith. However, Francois suspects the two are having an affair. When they are both summoned to the war, all hell breaks lose, worsening Jean's condition. It doesn't help that he received news that As he returns home, both tragedy and joy come along as Jean reunites with Edith, and revelation after revelation eventually leads to an uncomfortable bond between Francois and Jean as they return to the war one more time.

Cementing itself as one of the movie industry's very first tearjerker, the movie focuses on the pain of war in a brutal fashion. Now one might say that this movie is dated because its filmmaking techniques were not only surpassed by later movies since it's such an early film, but also by Gance's later Napoleon. But the real effect of the movie comes from the fact that it is that old. This must've been one freakishly heavy movie in 1919, and when watching a good silent movie there's a feeling of being in the past when experiencing it. If I was the type to cry at movies... you know something, maybe I should just admit that I can have a heart for a rock because I didn't cry at THIS damn movie. That story was just too much on the emotional scale, and yes, a man who doesn't cry at movies can sense this. Many terrible things happen in between the few sentimental and awe-inspiring good things in the story. But that ending 20 minutes. Oh my god, can you write a more depressing ending? You'd have to be either a skillful god or a sadistic satan to write something like this. What the unholy shit did these people who made the movie go through.

And the acting is... it's just so proper and beautiful. We get cheesy acting in these kinds of movies all the time, but for the time the acting is much more professional than what was normally seen then. Through the acting, the effect is stronger, and thus the attempts at fighting back tears may be impossible for those who do even only occasionally cry at movies.

And it isn't the acting alone that empowers the story, but the cinematography. We can see early instances of what was going to happen on Napoleon as our cameraman takes us into the heart of the battlefield and the war violence itself. Thus, we're there with the soldiers as they are realizing their fate has been handed to them. Did you know that 85% of silent movies used different colored-tinted film reels depending on the scenes? Well, most don't, which is a shame. The colors sometimes seem random with some silent movies. But the tints of J'Accuse flawlessly created the eerie, depressing and calming atmospheres needed to represent each scene. I especially loved the violet and teal tints across the battlefield shots.

Having seen so few movies from the 1910's, I was beforehand limited to FritzLangs, The Spiders: The Golden Sea, John Ford's Straight Shooting, Allan Dwan's The Good Bad Man, De Mille's The Girl of the Golden West, Tod Browning's The Wicked Darling and an early version of Alice in Wonderland. But after watching J'Accuse, I have to admit that I feel justified in saying that this could easily be the crowning achievement of the 1910's. This in fact might even be one of my favorite movies. It's rare for me to find a tearjerker that impresses me like this. I recommend this for ANYBODY, not just film junkies. This is a story that even modern movie fans should see. It might not be Napoleon, but it is so damn close that it's not even funny. I can't promise that it will make my top 25 for the ballot, but at it's current standing, it's at least a contender. I have three-to-four months to watch more, so we'll have to wait and see.

= 100/100

Abel Gance needs one more movie for an average score.

I HAVE SIX DAYS TO GET THROUGH SIX ROCKY MOVIES! Dammit, I always put these things off on Tubi. But I'll be reviewing every one.

My very next post will be a second review of the first Rocky film. Here is the original film review in a quote.

This is the first time I ever re-reviewed a movie on this thread. The original review was quoted above this one. The first six Rocky movies are leaving Tubi in about a week, so I'm gonna watch all of them as quickly as possible, and review one a day. Now to recap on my original review, assuming you decided to skip that one and go right to the new one, I thought the movie was a skillful take on a generic story. Let's see if I feel the same way. I always had a gut feeling that I would possibly give this a five star rating someday. Is this gonna be the case?

Rocky Balboa is a small-town boxer just steps away from being a bum. He's also a collector for a local loan shark, something his old coach Mickey never forgave him for. Nevertheless, he's a real sweetie. He loves animals, gets along with people easily, doesn't like to get in the middle of real conflict and has a crush on a shy little pet shop employee named Adrian, who's confidence is beaten down by her abusive brother, ironically a friend of Rocky. Once the greatest boxer in the world, Apollo Creed, loses out on an important match, he looks for a small-town replacement for promotional purposes... and he selects Rocky. Now the underdog the world has its eyes on, Rocky reunites with his old trainer and begins a relationship with Adrian, giving them both the confidence they need to discover themselves.

Rocky is a movie that relates to a lot of athletes and wannabes for its realistic depiction of the average athlete's story of reaching new athletic heights. But therein also lies a problem: that means the story runs the risk of being predictable. The movie is made of some typical sports storytelling tropes delivered well enough to enjoy more than most sports movies. The biggest example is the love-hate relationship between Rocky and the coach Mickey, played by Meredith Burgess in a flawless performance, displaying all the anger, heart and sorrow that the character encompasses. As a result, his charisma with Rocky is more powerful than the punches, even though the movie is tropy and largely neglects the loan shark subplot in the third act.

But this isn't just about Rocky getting stronger. Does anyone really have to recount the growth that Adrian goes through at this point? Rocky is such a lovable character on his own, with Stallone just sinking into the character like a literal rock. But when Adrian comes into the mix, you can't wait to see her tell her abusive brother off, and the strength displayed by both Rocky and Adrian as they grow together displays some emotion hitting heavy enough to break big slabs of meat in half.

This is all because Rocky has this abnormal ability to affect and even change the people he's closest to. Rocky himself doesn't go through a lot of character changes, making his one of the best positive flats in the world of fiction. I'd probably put him up there with Luffy of One Piece. Molding his character with the others adds a lot to the others' development, even Apollo Creed, who's a likable antagonist because of his fearless and calm approach to the world around him, as well as his desire to fight powerful opponents like Rocky. This aspect of Rocky's personality begs the question to me: how does this iconic aspect of this character play into other characters in the eight sequels? That's an important thing to keep in mind when I get around to the sequels.

I definitely see more in Rocky right now than I did the first time I watched it. However, does that make it a better movie in my eyes? ... Yes and no. I'd put it a few spaces higher on my list of every movie I've ever seen ranked from best to worst, but I don't think I would raise the numerical rating. It's a very well told story relying on character development to overcome the tropes, and it largely succeeds. Rocky deserves to be called a sports classic, and I consider it to be better than Raging Bull and Warrior. However, I wouldn't dare put it in the same league as Million Dollar Baby.

= 92/100

John G. Avildsen's Score (4 Good vs. 0 Bad)

Rocky: 92
The Karate Kid: 85
The Karate Kid Pt. II: 77
Inferno: 53

Average Score: 76.75 / 4

I'll be reviewing other movies during Rocky Week. But you aren't gonna like this one. I'm always on the search for the next stinkburger of a film. MST3K is not the only place to find the worst movies. I found one by sheer luck by going to Deviantart to browse the front page, and for whatever reason, a certain VHS cover was uploaded there. So I looked it u[p, found that it was quite hated, and decided to brave this frog movie, and it ain't The Brave Frog.

OK, so get this. A magic prince named Frederick sees his father die, is turned into a frog by his Aunt Messina who can change into a snake, grows up with other frogs and grows to the size of a human during his adult years. And for whatever reason, he lives on to the 20th century and eventually becomes a French spy. So now, Messina is making historical and important buildings around the world disappear, and Freddie's on the case.

Now the movie features Ben Kingsley as Freddie, and includes Jonathan Pryce of Brazil, Jenny Agutter from Logan's Run and An American Werewolf in London, Nigel Hawthrone from Gandhi and Disney's Tarzan and Brian Blessed from Tarzan and a million other things. The movie features music by George Benson, Grace Jones, Boy George and Asia. They were able to pay for all of this on top of a huge marketing campaign.

What a waste of everything.

OK, I admit that Kingsley is effing brilliant. They guy was able to pull off The Hood in that lame live-action Thunderbirds movie, butting heads with a show-stealing Bill Paxton as Jeff Tracy. But his performance in this movie is just boring. It's hard to believe that Ben Kingsley couldn't play a Frenchman with his diverse talents, and here we are. None of the big name actors stand out. In fact, their characters are often so thin that they do literally nothing, especially Freddie's sidekicks.

As you likely already guessed, the plot didn't make any sense. It would've been better as an episode of The Fairly Oddparents. This so called spy movie rarely ever feels like a spy movie under all the laserlights and magic effects. The movie is an unorganized combination of sci-fi, spy and fantasy tropes with uneven levels of balance, and so there is little to actually appeal to anyone looking for any type of good genre movie except maybe fantasy.

Another thing to pay attention to was the animation. Now there were times when the animation and the direction were actually fine. The machines were creepy, the cinematography was fine and the scenery was well-put together. But the characters were utter failures. Their motions were extremely awkward and thrown together with little sense of either budget or realism. And not only are they poorly acted by this big-name cast, but most of the characters look just plain ugly. The only design that I liked was Freddie, who wasn't an ugly frog. Every human, however, was either lacking in spark or so poorly-drawn that it's impossible to believe that anyone thought those designs were good ideas! Hell, two biker crows in the first act are so utterly annoying and horribly-drawn during their 60 seconds on screen that in that short time they make Jar Jar Binks look like a best friend.

And there is one more extremely important criticism that needs to be addressed: Evilmainya. It is not a cult. It is not a gaming website. It is a musical number sung by the villainess. Evilmainya was the single worst musical sequence I have EVER seen in a movie, and I got through nine Land Before Time sequels. The woman is barely singing the very few drawn out lyrics she's given, and the direction of the music number is absolutely horrendous and simple-minded. There's nothing that stands out. It's just the snake woman olding a microphone and singing to her troops while the other villain (Brian Blessed) laughs in reverb AGAIN.

OK, if not for the (usually) decent cinematography, this movie would be an absolute zero. This is not something you should ever have to buy your kids, so don't be fooled by the star-studded cast. This movie is a complete waste of time. It's not Camillo Teti bad, but it's really bad. Thankfully, Jon Acevski never directed another film.

= 6/100

There's a different kind of heart used to tell Rocky III's story: the journey after success. Now everybody wants a piece of Rocky. And you know Rocky's gonna win, but the fun of the movie comes from how the fights play out. This is especially true for the boxer vs. wrestler match between Rocky and Thunderlips (Hulk Hogan).

Mick is also at some of his most philosophical here. The scene where he goes over all the reasons why Rocky's career should've ended was a perfectly-written heavy-hitter that eats at the heart of the Rocky fan. That was one of the best scenes in the entire franchise thus far! And the other scenes do everything they can to keep the spirit up with just as much realism as the first two and even more philosophy. This helps with the return of Apollo Creed, who makes for a great teacher.

However, the movie also makes the same mistake as the second. The characters are not largely lived up to. Seriously, we get a beginning scene where Paulie gets jealous of Rocky and gets arrested as a result of his drunken actions, and how does this play into the plot later? Trick question! It doesn't! So once again, most of the characters aren't growing with Rocky.

I liked Rocky III more than II, and I'm certain that I'm in the minority here. But there's more story to it and just as much heart. In all actuality, it was the addition of Mr. T and his character that makes this better than the second. Still, I wouldn't say this is better than the first. But as a director, Stallone, who wrote Rocky to begin with, understand swhat people love about him better than anyone.

= 75/100

Sylvester Stallone's Score (3 Good vs. 0 Bad)

Rocky III: 75
The Expendables: 73
Rocky II: 73

Average Score: 73.66 / 3