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Thought Crimes:
The Case of the Cannibal Cop
Documentary / English / 2015

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
So I was listening to scary stories about serial killers on Youtube which linked me to binge watching a bunch of TV documentaries about serial killers which linked me to this which, incidentally, isn't about serial killers.

Kinda.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
I'm going to overlook my usual gripes for this review since they're relatively petty and intrusive on the topic at hand and just say: I thought this was an excellent documentary.

If you don't know it essentially deals with dissecting the moral dilemma of somebody who's demonstrated extreme sexual deviance (read as: aroused by the thought of kidnapping, torturing, and cooking alive before eating family and friends), but hasn't acted on it.

Basically, this guy gets caught by his wife for having said some pretty ****ed up stuff online and it's brought against him legally for conspiracy to act on it. One side of the fence argues that he's a monster and should be locked up, the other side says to do so would be thought crime.

I strongly disagree with the idea that documentaries should present a neutral position on every topic, honestly that perspective really irks me, particularly when the the arguments are one-sided SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE the opposition is indefensible. But this drops us directly into a present moral gray area and it's interesting to hear both sides present strong compelling arguments only to have them cut down by the opposition by presenting new distinctions.

It's all fantasy... UNTIL you involve real people.

It's all fantasy... UNTIL you take actions to commit a crime.



The documentary juggles around the idea of how this sort of thing even happens in the first place and sure enough, this guy isn't anything like your average serial killer, he's not socially inept, he wasn't abused by his parents, no one in his family even expected this of him, he's JUST A GUY. And a few point their fingers at society for it's general repression of sexuality, even addressing the issue of dishonesty in relationships founded on concealing these things of one's partner.

I really liked it, it hit the nail on the head for a number of things I've been thinking about and I'm pleasantly surprised to have come across it randomly. I definitely recommend you watch it and I will link below, THOUGH I do warn it's some seriously rough **** to look at and be expected to consider even-handedly.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]


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__________________
Movie Reviews | Anime Reviews
Top 100 Action Movie Countdown (2015): List | Thread
"Well, at least your intentions behind the UTTERLY DEVASTATING FAULTS IN YOUR LOGIC are good." - Captain Steel





Wings of Desire
Fantasy Drama / German / 1987

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Popped up in my search for carnival movies. Sounded super interesting.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Conceptually, Wings of Desire is great (and you know it's a good sign when I open up that way), but this movie is stupid boring.

The premise is that angels walk among us, observe us, and in times of grief can grant us a modicum of positivity. The twist here is that only children can see them and the angels' experiences are dulled in black and white, unable taste, smell, feel pain, you name it, their only real abilities are to fly, walk through walls, and and read minds. The story follows, primarily, one angel who becomes fascinated with a trapeze artist and becomes mortal to live life in her world.

Sounds great, right? Could be an excellent opportunity to paint a portrait of life and humanity and grief and IIIIII was just ****in' disappointed.



I have one singular issue with the whole movie and it's that it spends approximately 60+% of it WALLOWING, ****in' WALLOWING in philosophical navel-gazing that doesn't draw any conclusions, doesn't make, any points and often borders and even ventures directly into complete and utter nonsense.

You could be saying something MEANINGFUL, but instead it spends it's time needlessly drawing out scenes and babbling about things we have virtually no context for. There are people who think in clipped disconnected thoughts (you know, like really people?), but then there are these, I can scarcely call them, characters that walk around with an inner monologue full of complete mess.

The movie could do with some serious editing down and a stronger soundtrack would have definitely eased the frequently dead silence, but the biggest problem really is what they wasted their time on in each scene.

I will give you one example; this is verbatim what happens in the movie: Imagine you're an angel, descended from on high and have become mortal to see this woman. You go to a concert and find her at the bar. You offer her a drink and BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN SAY A WORD, THIS HAPPENS:

I’ve never been lonely, neither alone, nor with someone else.
*lean in closer* Pardon me? I didn't catch that.

But I would have liked to be lonely.
Oh! Di-did you want me to leave?

Lonelieness means: I am whole at last.
Ummm... what?

Now I can say it, as tonight I’m lonely at last.
A-are... you monologuing at me right now?

I must put an end to coincidence. The new moon of decision. I don’t know if there is a destiny, but there is a decision. Decide.
Wait, me? I decide? I thought you were maki- aaalright, umm... I'd like to do it?

Now we are the times.
What does that mean?

Not only the whole town, the whole world is taking part in our decision.
WHOA, I'm really not cool with the WHOLE WORLD knowin'...

Now we are more than the two of us.
Uhhhh... an... orgy?

We incarnate something. We are sitting on the People’s Square... and the whole place is full of people whose dream is the same as ours.
Dang, you're into some kinky ****, lady.

We are deciding everybody’s game.
What does that mean???

I am ready. Now it’s your turn.
What did you take a turn already!? I missed this! What's going on!?

You hold the game in your hands. Now or never.
Quit pressuring me! W-what game!?

You need me. You will need me.
Would you make up your ****in' mind!?

There is no greater story than ours, that of man and woman.
Are we talkin' about sex? We're talking about sex, right?

It will be a story of giants.
Yes! Everyone in People's Square will see us!

Invisible, transposable.
A-w-wait, are you into exhibitionism or not? You're really confusing me.

A story of new ancestors.
You mean children? You mean children. Those are called successors, and I wasn't really thinking in the LONG TERM, actually...

Look, my eyes.
YesIseeyoureyesarelovely, I guess I see what you're saying, I should have thought a bit more carefully, I mean we just meet and neither of us really want there to be a thing, I mean if you got pregnant, phew, yeah I think I'm pickin' up what you're layin' down.

They are the image of necessity... of the future of everyone in the place.
Your eyes are... the future of... WHAT PLACE!?

Last night I dreamt of a stranger.
OH YEAH! YEAHYEAHYEAH! That was me! You see I'm actually an angel, except not anymore, but I touched you while you were sleeping and you had a dream about me!

Of my man.
Yeeeeaaaahhhh!! I'm your man alright, the man of your dreams!

Only with him could I be lonely...


You know what, lady? I don't think I'm feelin' this anymore.

open up to him... wholly open, wholly for him... welcome him wholly into me...
Yeeeaaaahhhh, it sounds like you're talking about sex... but I don't think you're talking about sex.

surround him with the labyrinth of shared happiness.
I really... REALLY don't see why you have to make a labyrinth out of this!

I know... it’s you. *smooch*
Alright, you know what? **** this. If it's gonna take a college thesis on existentialism to round first base I'm going to have wasted my entire mortal life before I experience my first orgasm.




Final Verdict:
[Meh...]




Thought Crimes: The Case of the Cannibal Cop - I saw this too!

Fascinating. The topic is difficult (and I'm not talking about the cannibalism) - but the trying to determine where the thin line between a thought and an intention lies, and when it's been crossed.

I had a similar experience (again, not the cannibalism ) in coming across the film randomly, but as soon as I found it, it triggered memories of the many headline & radio shows I'd heard about the case. Since I have a mild interest in the unusual & the macabre (and since one of my favorite movies is Alive (1993)), I had to watch this.

It's a totally interesting and bizarre case in that (SPOILERS!)...
no crime ever actually occurred (aside from the cop utilizing the police database for personal use). But the way I saw it, no crime was ever really going to occur and this guy was tried on the basis of his disgusting fantasies that he shared with others who had similar interests.



I also think it hangs a lampshade on that thin line at the end went it says the other people he was involved with online had actually crossed it in some regard.



I also think it hangs a lampshade on that thin line at the end went it says the other people he was involved with online had actually crossed it in some regard.
True, but if I remember correctly he was about as directly involved with them as you and I are right now (i.e. communicating on line).

I hate to admit this, but part of me felt sorry for this guy. I hate to see people have their lives utterly destroyed over doing stupid things.

However, if anyone should have common sense it should be a cop. Still, this guy lost everything over something stupid. If he was an actual killer I'd have no pity for him, but he seems like an eccentric weirdo who got carried away with his deviant fantasies and had his entire life destroyed over a few mistakes (wasn't he like on the verge of erasing everything when his wife found it? And if he'd just acted a few minutes sooner to put this behind him, none of this ever would have happened?)

On a separate note - my sick sense of humor was somewhat entertained when the guy and his mom made jokes about cooking!

The ending about him dating seemed simultaneously pitiful and unintentionally funny.



Originally Posted by Captain Steel
True, but if I remember correctly he was about as directly involved with them as you and I are right now (i.e. communicating on line).
That's what I meant. In the most positive interpretation, he was just roleplaying, but that was him, others were taking it further.

How would it look if you were on MoFo for the movies, but all of us were suddenly arrested for a massive digital piracy scheme that several of the people you were regularly talking to were directly a part of?





Cirque Du Soleil: Worlds Away
Fantasy Art / English / 2012

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Another bump in the road on my quest for carnival movies. Wanted to see it since I'd heard about it.

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Having only seen the commercial and none of the acts supposedly incorporated into the movie I had one single feeling going in:

"Gosh, I hope this what I wanted Across The Universe to be."

Imagine my surprise when they played a Beatles song.

And then another one.

And then another one.

And then another one.

And OH MY GOD THERE LIKE 7 BEATLES SONGS THIS WHOLE MOVIE.

Not that I necessarily mind them, but they honestly got really distracting after the after the first two. I mean, I like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds as much as the next person, but holy crap when I see a Yellow Submarine when that song isn't even playing and when they leave the circus tent I can see it's decorated with amorphous strawberry imagery, I get a big feeling that this part of the movie is trying to tell me something.

Maybe that it just likes The Beatles? Probably, but still...

Anyway, having seen what Cirque Du Soleil is prior to watching this, I was honestly disappointed by what I got.

One one hand the movie has a fantastic opening and manages to do a lot with very little dialog. In fact at one point our heroine cries "Help!" and my first thought was:



But no, that was just me being cynical. They play Get Back instead.


WWWHHHAAATTT???

Anywayanywayanyway... there's not much in the way of a bridging narrative between the acts.

In fact, that's a gross understatement, there's practically nothing and that's one of my biggest complaints. We set up this girl visiting a circus and falling into the world of CDS, but she almost immediately takes a background seat to drawn out stage performances which leads me to believe that the bridging narrative not only wasn't a big concern for them, it was practically ignored.



That really bothers me since I would have enjoyed seeing this character escorted through different themed performances and that's KIND OF what they do, but only in the barest possible sense since we constantly lose track of her and the camera quickly forgets that she exists. We gets glimpses of the "Aerialist", but save three specific performances, he barely carries much narrative weight in the majority of the movie too.

The surrealism they go for also detracts from the themeing aspect I wished they'd pursued harder since it's frequently unclear what kind of themes they were going for.

Some performances are pretty exceptional in this regard: When the Aerialist is first released he does a solo with a wire cube which I think is an excellent way of portraying the how aerial acrobatics are elemental to Cirque Du Soleil. A lot of other **** is pretty... WTF-am-I-watching type of performance art.

At the very least the entire movie is very visually interesting and it's not as if there's a plot to criticize (kissing, ugh). The stunts are huge and impressive and some of my favorite moments are when they exercise their sets creatively such as when we smash cut to some pretty transparent bad guys and this industrial tone kicks in as we got guys in the background doing crazy stuff in giant hampster wheels in the background. The good guy/bad guy theme also appears again later when bad guys from sidestage shoot "arrows" at the platform that the good guys are climbing up, only for the entire platform to tilt and begin rotating while the "arrows" are used as acrobatic bars in a mock fight.



They do some cool stuff and while there were a few big distractions I think it manages to elevate itself above Across The Universe in terms of musical performance while falling short of Imaginaerum in terms of narrative depth.

There's certainly something to be said for the stuntwork though and if you haven't seen a Cirque show yet, I definitely recommend this one.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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Wing Chun
Martial Arts Comedy / Chinese / 1994

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Back to martial arts movies, I found this one starring Michelle Yeoh. A martial arts movie with a female lead? Lets get some Action Girl rolling!

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Wing Chun is weird and amazing.

It's amazing because the fights are actually really cool and it's weird because it's just... bizarre and stupid at times.

Normally I'd complain about how long the movie idles between fight scenes, but surprisingly this movie is extremely brisk. I'm all in favor of that since I honestly don't expect the stories to be good, but it's worth considering that so much information flies by at a mile a minute it's difficult to even nail down what the conflict is at first.

What you eventually figure out is Wing Chun is a martial artist, returned from training in the mountains to help serve... some sort of food alongside a character whose name I don't know so I'll simply name Smelly Woman because that's the only way other characters describe her (she's got some money thing going on, but I couldn't tell you in the slightest what any of it means). Their joint is the best in town, but supposedly not best enough because no one likes Smelly Woman and Wing Chun is I guess too manly for them...

Nice.

One day a younger woman shows up with her dying husband in tow. He dies, we get some drama about whether or not to prostitute her for funeral costs...

Nice.



And eventually she joins Wing Chun and Smelly Woman as the server at their establishment and it gets all the men in town hot and bothered including Waise Lee (who I swear looks almost exactly like Tony Leung Chiu-wai), but excluding Donnie Yen who's seeking out Wing Chun after being separated since childhood.

There's a whole thing in which he mistakes the new girl for Wing Chun, Wing Chun for a man, and Wing Chun as the new girl's lover.

The story gets pretty uncomfortable around the time the new girl states matter-o-factly that it's because her husband died that she suddenly wants cock...

Nice.

In fact, this scene leads into Smelly Woman declaring that "All men are disgusting" to which the new girl replies by showing her the wonders of orgasmic lesbian foot massages (which just look like tickling). This immediately compels her to jump Waise Lee for some reason.

Honestly, the feminist overtones are pretty ****ing huge in this movie even going so far as to include a character that literally says:

Men are better than women except at having babies. Therefor I’m certain to beat you.
That's HILARIOUSLY bad dialog and it doesn't end there.

Fortunately the core relationship between Michelle Yeoh and Donnie Yen is pretty decent (save a marriage scene because of course there's a marriage scene) and I'm relieved that it doesn't conclude with Wing Chun becoming "feminized". In fact I was really worried when Wing Chun revisits her master (female) who tells her that to defeat the bandit gang (by the way there's a bandit gang that doesn't factor into the rest of this story at all except to provide fight scenes) she must "find a man".

*SIGH*

Great, even Wing Chun needs a man to complete her life.

Actually, what I was expecting was for Donnie Yen to steal Michelle Yeoh's thunder in the final fight, but he's totally offscreen for the entire fight. The final fight is a bit anticlimactic too, albeit amusingly so since the bandits are all forced to bow before Wing Chun and call her "mother".

Probably the stupidest part of the whole movie is when Wing Chun chases the bandit leader out of the restaurant and finds the new girl, kidnapped and in a cart, just a few feet away and decides to just stop fighting and stand there as they drive away.

Well, come on, they got to the cart first, it's only fair to let them go and only chase after them after SOMEBODY ELSE CHASES AFTER THEM AND MANAGES TO BEAT HALF OF 'EM UP.

WTF, Wing Chun? Move yer ass!

Also horses.

But you know what? The fight scenes are the most important part, and how are they?

Pretty ****in' good.

Wing Chun kicks a massive ton of ass, the impact is there, the environment is used creatively, and even the superhuman stuff gets a laugh out of me, not because it's terrible, but because it's so over-the-top and this movie clearly isn't trying to take itself terribly seriously. Just look at this one scene which caused me to burst out laughing because it came right the **** out of nowhere:



Yeah, I made that gif. I had to, because that's ****in' amazing. That guy's called "Flying Monkey" performing what can only be the most advanced ultimate move in his arsenal: The Flying Monkey Bra Snatch Technique. Wow.

Anyway, Wing Chun is easily one of the better martial arts movies I've seen and I'm pleased I watched it. STILL BETTER than House of Flying Daggers.


Final Verdict:
[Pretty Good]

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Cherry 2000
Action / English / 1987

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Aaand back to 80s sci-fi. Really making the rounds now aren't we? Red-headed Action Girl in a future wasteland? Let's do it (also neat poster).

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
UUUUGGGHHHHH... more like Crappy 2000.

Cats, donkeys, snakes, fish, Cherry 2000 is about as sub-par as it gets.

We open up on a man learning the hard way why you never get water on your robot wife before learning that his robot wife's model, Cherry 2000 is so outdated that it can only be found in the lawless wasteland outside of a world where sex requires a contract. For some reason.

He meets up with E. Johnson, our red-headed Action Girl, immediately underestimates her (because she's a woman you see), before eventually going with her to track down his sex doll.

It goes exactly where you think it goes.

He learns that robot love is not "real love". No, real love is with a human who will unabashedly lie to you. Mmmmyeahh, kiss 'em smooch smooch.

Ironically the acting on part of the robot changes specifically to fit this purpose since they only begin to act lifeless after this revelation comes to him. In fact, the acting in this movie as a whole is so understated that I felt suddenly ripped out of it when one of the victims of the villain, Lester, actually seemed like an actual person.


I'm talkin' about the guy on the left here. I liked him.

Okay, a bit of a caricature, but SOME kind of personality.

Lester himself seems like a pretty unique villain in terms of how he's framed. He's sets up his wasteland home as a sort of resort paradise and he talks to his cronies in bizarrely familial terms:

Be friendly, yet firm.
Remember guys, life is an adventure.
Keep the sun out of your eyes and be yourselves.
Not very villain-like, and THAT'S OKAY! I thought it was kinda funny how he wouldn't go out for revenge until he made sure his wife had packed sandwiches, BUT the problem here is I don't think the actor playing him gave much of a crap or was incapable of making him more interesting.

If he had a little more charisma he could have been a very memorable villain, but instead he's forgettable, like everyone else including E. Johnson who resolutely fails to bring any sort of life to the movie despite the "spunkiness" that was foreshadowed.

Naturally the romance is your traditional Overnight variety and it's about as baffling as it gets with our climax forcing our hero to choose between the strangely virginal E. Johnson and the Cherry 2000 who willingly exits a plane and approaches gunfire at the request of a Pepsi.

Just kind of a dumb ****in' movie without the 80s camp that makes less ambitious movies like Adventures in Babysitting fun or more ambitious movies like Looker interesting to think about.

Instead, you're left to puzzle over whether you missed something or they actually fit 7 ATVs into a truck.


Final Verdict:
[Just... Bad]

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Shaolin Challenges Ninja
Martial Arts / Chinese / 1978

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Supposedly one of the best martial arts movies ever made for it's variety of weapons and fighting styles including the legendarily hilarious Japanese Crab Technique.

Also my first Shaw Brothers movie (I think?).

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
This one's a toughie.

The problem here is that the movie totally changes halfway through and goes from crap to awesome. The question then becomes is the awesome worth the crap?

The movie takes a LONG time before any actual one-on-one fighting appears and even then it's between our hero and his wife.

Actually, scratch that, he's not a hero. He's actually an *******. It shouldn't even be called Heroes of the East, since the antagonists are the only characters actually doing anything even remotely heroic. It shouldn't even be called Shaolin Challenges Ninja, but I'm calling it that because that's at least vaguely accurate.

The premise is about as unintentionally sexist and racist as you could ask for. Our main character (whose name I don't remember, yes) is forced into arranged marriage.

Except they make a distinction that an "arranged" marriage is not a "forced" marriage.

Anyway marriage, boo. It seems like he stands on his principals by refusing since it's not his choice, but he's immediately swayed when he discovers that the Japanese girl he's asked to wed is actually NOT UGLY.

HOW ABOUT THAT? A JAPANESE GIRL WHO ISN'T UGLY!

Naturally she's is all kinds of bad wife material because she insists on practicing martial arts in ways that don't look utterly ****ing insulting (our main guy demonstrates the RIGHT way and there's no other way to describe it other than WRONG).



Eventually though, the two start fighting. Like literally trying to kill each other except not. They're literally walking around loaded with weapons under their clothes just to get each other and apparently when the girl decides to go all ninja on him, she crosses the line because "ninjitsu is murder".

To be fair, she stabbed him, but to be unfair he escalated that **** by being an insufferable arrogant cock.

Allow me to approximate the dialog:

Originally Posted by He
What are you doing with my weapons?
Originally Posted by She
They're garbage!
Originally Posted by He
They're not garbage, they're historical weapons of battle! Your weapons are inferior derivatives of Chinese weapons!
Originally Posted by She
No, Japanese weapons are better!
Originally Posted by He
But I beat you all the time!
And that's the whole deal. It insists on this facade of respecting Japanese disciplines, but when his nationalist claims follow her to Japan, all the best guys at her dojo suit up and stomp off to China to pound a mother****er. And he wins every time. It's stupid.

The girl never even enters into the picture again after that, the script just forgets about her while the men play with their toys.

That's the turning point, really. The first half is nothing if not irritating and sufferable only on the charisma of the actors, but when the 7 specialists show up to kick his ass it becomes an almost non-stop series of one-on-one fights till the end.

Fortunately these are pretty interesting and, at times, hilarious.

We see competing sword techniques, we see nun-chucks versus three-part-staves, we see judo versus kung-fu, and it's cool. They're pretty neat fights and they even get a bit inventive. My only real gripe is that the Japanese characters are plainly presented to be inferior to our Chinese character, not just in terms of general skill, but each of their respective specialties they seem to be less competent than him in. And he's looks so smug when he wins too.

Surprisingly, the long-awaited Crab Technique is reserved for the Very Definitely Final Fight with the ninja which is far from the only thing that's unintentionally funny about it.

It opens with our guy preparing for the ninja to appear by scattering nutshells on the ground to hear him. The ninja appears, he knifes him in the chest, rushes to him, and is immediately stabbed in the back by a sword, revealing that it wasn't actually him running out the door, but a totally unconvincing dummy. It was SO FUNNY to see this actor, the main character, an unbeatable hero, suddenly jumpcut into a dummy and killed.

The whole fight's this way, loaded with underhanded ******** left and right, but the most unfair thing is that unlike every other fight which lasts one encounter, the ninja runs away and ambushes him again later. TWICE.



Actually, make that three times, because after they resort to swords and ditch them to go to Crane versus Crab (which yes, is very silly), the ninja runs away a fourth time to hide in a river. Our main guy follows his obvious blowpipe and attacks it only to get punked out by poison in the face. BOOM, down.

It was really shocking. And honestly kinda ********.

They carry him back and I guess this is where he learns humility in the face of Japan's greatest of martial arts, ninjitsu, right? No, he was faking and checkmates the ninja when he's unprepared.

*SIGH*

And the moral of the story is... Chinese kungfu is better than Japanese... kung... fu... what?


Final Verdict:
[Meh...]

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I like the idea of TONGO's Which Movie Should I Watch? thread, but would like to focus it on visitors to this thread with the caveat that the chosen movie will get a new review (so those who like what I post here can gear a bit of what I put up).

I'd specify what would be a reassessment or blind viewing and I'd try to pick similar movies, saving obscurer stuff in favor of those you guys might be more familiar with.

Thoughts? Yay? Nay? Don't care?



Well, Cirque du Soleil did a whole show devoted to The Beatles and their music. Years ago. I think it was called "Love."



JayDee and I need to look out. You write nice, long, entertaining reviews.





The Gene Generation
Sci-Fi / English / 2007

WHY'D I WATCH IT?
A forgotten cyberpunk movie from 2007 starring a badass punky Action Girl? Why have I not heard of this!?

WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Okay, first off: This is not cyberpunk. This is biopunk. Biopunk is not a form of cyberpunk. Even Wikipedia will tell you it's a "related genre".

Second off: It sucks that this movie started off as strong as it did, but just couldn't seem to help making mistakes along the way.

Instantly I can tell you it's a more coherent story than Natural City and just as quickly I can tell you the characters are way more interesting than Cherry 2000.

You can also tell right away that this movie had a pretty decent budget and blew a lot of it on fairly gratuitous CG. We get CG blood, CG backgrounds, some pretty neat tentacle effects, and a little bit of visual flair with the action which at first made me wish the action cropped up sooner than the 20+ minute mark, but I soon realized that this is that variety of action where the camera chops up shots from different angles and spits 'em out rapidfire so it's generally disorienting.

Kinda sucks, and definitely cheapens the moments where Action Girl, Mitch (hey! I remembered her name!), manages to disarm 4 guys with guns to her head, unarmed. When you cut away from the specifics of each action like that, this is the kind of thing I'm thinking of and I've lost that suspension of disbelief.

But let's be real: I can forgive crappy CG and slightly crappy editing if the rest of the movie's interesting.

And it is... but it ****s up quite a few times by the end.

I'm not going to get into entire plot since I really don't care that much, but suffice it to say it's engaging and doesn't falter under surface scrutiny. That is until you get to characters acting like characters and not like human ****ing beings.



Case #1: Gamble Guy, is the name I'm gonna call him. I like him in the sense that he's tends to steal whatever scene he's in, but his mere existence bothers me because of the total lack of genre-savviness of the other characters. Could have a more obvious Recurring Villain? Could he be any more cheesy yelling, "I want HIM~ ALIIIVE!!!"

Case #2: Mitch, our main protagonist. She apparently hunts down "DNA hackers" (yeah, they're called that) and my issue with her is one you can see coming within the first several minutes of the movie. You see her sitting at her desk looking longingly at her family photos.

Then you see a totally unrelated guy also looking longingly at family photos.

You see her.

You see him.

Her.

Him.

If it wasn't obvious enough we get a totally out-of-place shot of her sitting at home watching a romantic movie. IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN YET, SHOOT YOURSELF, YOU ARE TOO DUMB TO LIVE.

Eventually she runs into him sneaking up on her since her brother, Jackie stole something from him and she kicks him in the neck knocking him. She estimates on the spot that he'll be out "for about 36 hours". HOLY ****, that's specific! From now on I shall call that the 36 HOUR KICK, that move you use when you want to remove pesky characters from the plot until you need them.

After most of the movie rolls by the guy wakes up, freaks out, since, duh, his stuff got stolen and he knows they have it, and she kicks him in the neck again and I'm like, "WHPBFFT Another 36 HOUR KICK!?", but no that was just a 3 Minute Kick.

He wakes up, they talk, she's got orders to kill him, he convinces her that he's not a "DNA hacker". Then they get closer and closer and she touches his shoulder and Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't DoOh good, he went back to his apartment.



Alright, we cut to what Jackie's up to and we're back with Mitch knocking on the other guy's door looking longingly at him and they silently move closer and Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't
AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!


Case #3: Jackie, Mitch's brother provokes most of the events of the movie. Apparently he drinks and gambles away their money and his sister doesn't like it, but he doesn't like her assassin job, so there's some familial hostility and it's all well and good UNTIL ONE SCENE.

So he stole this "transcoder" device which was stolen from him by Gamble Guy who doesn't know the value of it, but took it in revenge for his sister killing 3 of his guys. She paid off more than what Jackie was indebted to Gamble Guy for, but he's still a righteous butthead and insists on more to cover the loss of his men.

ACTUAL VILLAIN shows up and offers Jackie a massive amount of money in exchange for the transcoder and here's how this ideally plays out in my head, right?:

Originally Posted by Jackie
Hey, Gamble Guy, I'm really sorry for the trouble I caused and I know I owe you a lot, but look, that device you took from me was what I was working on getting your money back with. I can give you 5000 RIGHT NOW, up front for it and after I get it to my buyer I can get you another 5000. That should make us square, right?
Originally Posted by Gamble Guy
Yes, I will agree to that deal because it is entirely within my best interest.
Of course that doesn't happen, but what DOES happen is Jackie gets all up in his own ass, throws caution and his sister's advice out the window and BUSTS INTO THEIR HIDEOUT WITH A GUN TO THREATEN AND HUMILIATE THEM INTO HANDING OVER THE TRANSCODER.

Let me remind you that this is the obvious Recurring Villain he's ****ing with.

The rest of the movie is pretty meh by this point. We get some stupid injuries (Mitch lies in a massive pool of blood that drips down her face immediately following getting shot in the LEG) and it's tough to forgive everything that's happened on top of the giant cliches the movie drops such as that totally non-specific fire that we'll only briefly mention as part of our backstory but significantly factors into the plot AS WELL AS...

Originally Posted by Love Interest
What if he's dead?
Originally Posted by Mitch
He's not. I can feel it.


Altogether? Dumb movie. We need more like this.

With better writing.



Final Verdict:
[Meh...]

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JayDee and I need to look out. You write nice, long, entertaining reviews.
Well thank you. I think yours are more colorful, though.



Neither. I wanna give you a movie to watch and see your review of it.