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That last line makes me want to see it.
Absurdity like that is far too scarce to justify the rest of it.
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"Well, at least your intentions behind the UTTERLY DEVASTATING FAULTS IN YOUR LOGIC are good." - Captain Steel
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Kung Fury
Action Comedy / English / 2015
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Ehhh... just another poster.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumbdumbdumbdumbdumbdumbdumb.
Where do I BEGIN with whats wrong with this movie?
The plot skips around.
The characters talk in bad puns.
The special effects look fake.
And the ladies are in barbarian loincloths with bare cleavage on display? THAT'S NOT PRACTICAL ARMOR. And it's SEXIST!
I don't think this movie is historically accurate either.
You can watch it here.
Final Verdict: [Friggen' Awesome]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 05-28-16 at 07:30 PM.
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Crawl Or Die
Horror / English / 2014
I've seen it once before. Felt like reassessment time.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
I HAAAAAAAAAAAATE horror movies.
Not that all horror movies are terrible, but I'm far fonder of the thriller aspect than the horror aspect.
Blood geysers? No.
Graphic dismemberment? No.
Jumpscares? HEEEEEELL no.
I don't like the idea of a movie that's supposed to make me feel bad and I'm indefinitely baffled that people find this genre appealing.
THAT SAID, this is a horror movie I like. And I seem to be mostly alone in that since this movie has terrible reviews across the board.
Here's the set up: It's a minimalist indie movie. The movie opens up to a group of bodyguards being chased by something unseen in the woods before they escape into an underground complex and find themselves chased through a series of ever-decreasing-in-size tunnels as they get picked off one by one.
The monster at their heels is faster than them and bullets and explosions only seem to slow it down temporarily. When you think the tunnels can't get any smaller THEY DO.
I definitely see why people would harsh on this movie... unfairly.
There's very little dialog and nothing in the way of twists or turns to deviate away from exactly what it says on the box. It's a chase movie. The whole way. And you can't be multitasking with this movie since it's an experience piece. The POINT is for you to absorb every little thing that happens because in a movie like this the little things are far more important than they might otherwise seem to be.
As the tunnels get smaller, we see that the characters slowly lose their ability to move freely.
The first tunnels are rounded and throw them off balance.
The second tunnels make it difficult to see past each other.
The third tunnels make it difficult to change places.
And it goes on. It's a very exhausting movie, but nuance is hugely relevant here.
I can only imagine most people who watched this simply weren't paying attention or were waiting for jumpscares or had ADD because a lot of people just seem to write off the movie as boring.
I wasn't bored. And I credit that to the one thing this movie desperately needed to get right above nearly anything else: pacing.
With as little that happens in this movie, what does happen needs to occur frequently enough to keep me engaged. A lot of the movie is just meant to be absorbed, but no moment ever goes on too terribly long before someone dies, the tunnels get smaller, and the stakes ratchet up a notch.
If you're cool with that, you can dig this movie, if not, then go watch Transformers or something.
Obviously this movie shares quite a bit conceptually with Buried, which I hated. Suffice it to spoil: the protagonist survives. So no ****** downer ending. Having said that, this movie gets extraordinarily hopeless by the end.
My favorite part is easily when it's just two of them left and the monster's crawling just feet behind them and the music kicks in with this Drums In The Deep-type **** as it becomes a race to wiggle away faster.
Even later in the movie when we can't see the end of the tunnels anymore and the monster's still on our heels, it kicks into this sad piano melody which really does make it seem like it's over... but it's not.
Actually, I'd be inclined to credit the sound design as a whole if it wasn't also one of the weakest parts of the movie.
On one hand, the simple incidental backing music is well placed and the ambient sounds of the monster clicking and rustling away some distance behind them are great.
On the other hand, some of the sounds are terrible. Some digging clips sound muffled when they should sound clear, and one particular gunshot in the movie didn't even register with me the first time it happened because it's so bizarrely quiet. Some of the dialog seems unnecessarily quiet too and when it gets to the end of the movie you'll probably notice that they failed to redub over their scenes since in order to adjust their dialog volume during a quiet moment, they just haphazardly jank it up when a character's talking which is extremely obvious given the spike in background noise.
There's also an issue with lighting at the start of the movie which makes it somewhat difficult to see where the characters are in relation to their surroundings, however this evens out after the first 5 minutes.
My only other REAL complaint is in regards to the plot. Which is largely absent save for a brief couple minutes of flashback which feature the bodyguards getting briefed on their mission to escort "the last uninfected fertile woman" to Earth 2. Apparently Earth is either rampant with infertility or viruses or both (STI apocalypse?) and they gotta relocate to Earth 2 which is where they encounter the monster (oops! not safe after all).
My dig here is simply the "last fertile woman on earth" premise. The implication is obviously that the human race is relying on her to procreate more humans but EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
I NEVER liked that set up. That an entire species is depending on one woman to be impregnated and have babies multiple times for what?
"The good of the species"??? What a load of CRAP. I've talked to people who believe this too, that the survival of our species is so ******* important that it would be the "DUTY" of the last woman to have sex with as many men as necessary to ensure the survival of humanity, but UH-UH. I'm not havin' that.
It'd be one thing if the woman WANTED to do it, but this movie, instead of leaving that unpleasant question of consent hanging in the air, just outright says, "BTW guys, if she kicks and screams and says no, ignore her".
O___O That's ****ed up, movie.
FORTUNATELY, this issue isn't compounded by a male lead and instead we get a refreshingly punky badass Action Girl named Tank to helm the escape.
Why can't we have more badass punky girl protagonists in movies?
Why do I have to empty out garbage bins and dig through VHS tapes to find them in **** like Crawl or Die or Savage Streets?
Whatever. The thing with this movie is that Crawl or Die seems to be intent on setting up Tank as a NEW badass Action Girl for a TRILOGY of Crawl or Die movies.
Here's my thing with that: SOUNDS COOL, but don't do the same movie. Crawl or Die works on it's own and it's stretching believability well past Ellen Ripley's Alien magnetism to put Tank through the same exercise of tunnel-crawling again.
Do something different but with a similar gimmick. Like Buried (but not Buried) or Pitch Black or The Thing or It Follows or SOMETHING, just don't do Crawl or Die again.
Unless you're remaking it. Just don't do a direct sequel.
Make it like... Tank's episodic adventures or something. I'd watch that.
Anyway, one little tidbit I've yet to mention is an amusing little note about the movie's title. Apparently the movie was originally going to be named "Crawl Bitch Crawl" which was abandoned for obvious reasons.
Ironically I think it's also an extremely appropriate name for the movie since I can totally see someone watching this, seeing the monster close in on Tank and yell at the screen, "CRAWL, BITCH! CRAWL!"
ANYWAY, since I'm one voice among many dissenting ones, let's take a quick glance at some of the criticisms on iMDB:
Like I was saying before, you gotta give some degree of credit to little developments. If all you see when you watch the movie is a bunch of people crawling through pipes, you're not paying attention.
o_O It's really REALLY uncomplicated. The movie didn't even need the flat couple minutes of exposition that BLATANTLY TELL YOU exactly what's happening.
Okay, okay, okay, if that stuff bothered you, that's fine, you're not necessarily wrong, but don't get angry!
This guy also gave Star Wars: The Force Awakens a 1 out of 10.
He also gave a 1 out of 10 to... WTF is Dyke Hard? Well, if it's anything like Star Wars or Crawl or Die or... Die Hard, I gotta watch it.
"The good of the species"??? What a load of CRAP. I've talked to people who believe this too, that the survival of our species is so ******* important that it would be the "DUTY" of the last woman to have sex with as many men as necessary to ensure the survival of humanity, but UH-UH. I'm not havin' that.
It'd be one thing if the woman WANTED to do it, but this movie, instead of leaving that unpleasant question of consent hanging in the air, just outright says, "BTW guys, if she kicks and screams and says no, ignore her".
O___O That's ****ed up, movie.
FORTUNATELY, this issue isn't compounded by a male lead and instead we get a refreshingly punky badass Action Girl named Tank to helm the escape.
Why can't we have more badass punky girl protagonists in movies?
Why do I have to empty out garbage bins and dig through VHS tapes to find them in **** like Crawl or Die or Savage Streets?
Whatever. The thing with this movie is that Crawl or Die seems to be intent on setting up Tank as a NEW badass Action Girl for a TRILOGY of Crawl or Die movies.
Here's my thing with that: SOUNDS COOL, but don't do the same movie. Crawl or Die works on it's own and it's stretching believability well past Ellen Ripley's Alien magnetism to put Tank through the same exercise of tunnel-crawling again.
Do something different but with a similar gimmick. Like Buried (but not Buried) or Pitch Black or The Thing or It Follows or SOMETHING, just don't do Crawl or Die again.
Unless you're remaking it. Just don't do a direct sequel.
Make it like... Tank's episodic adventures or something. I'd watch that.
Anyway, one little tidbit I've yet to mention is an amusing little note about the movie's title. Apparently the movie was originally going to be named "Crawl Bitch Crawl" which was abandoned for obvious reasons.
Ironically I think it's also an extremely appropriate name for the movie since I can totally see someone watching this, seeing the monster close in on Tank and yell at the screen, "CRAWL, BITCH! CRAWL!"
ANYWAY, since I'm one voice among many dissenting ones, let's take a quick glance at some of the criticisms on iMDB:
Originally Posted by tux-12 3/10
This film is only 1h30 but seems to be 3h long. Very little happens...
...Explanations to why they have to do it this painful and dangerous way, are reduced to a minimum. There are other films such as The Descent, The Cave or The Cavern, where all the action is under ground. But these were way better than this one. Because there was a real script, plenty of twists and action, good acting and more generally good filming...
...Some spectators will probably leave half way into the film, some will just keep playing with their tablets or mobile, while checking every 10 minutes to see if the story has moved on...
...Explanations to why they have to do it this painful and dangerous way, are reduced to a minimum. There are other films such as The Descent, The Cave or The Cavern, where all the action is under ground. But these were way better than this one. Because there was a real script, plenty of twists and action, good acting and more generally good filming...
...Some spectators will probably leave half way into the film, some will just keep playing with their tablets or mobile, while checking every 10 minutes to see if the story has moved on...
Originally Posted by Paige Chaplin (rickyslittlehorror) 4/10
The whole premise of the movie wasn't understandable, to me, anyway, and I had to find a synopsis online to actually discover what the movie was about.
Originally Posted by charlesbeutt 1/10
I wish I could give this movie a worse rating. You cant SEE anything, the make up is A JOKE...
The only reason this movie gets watched is because of the cute blonde girl, looking half naked, with a pistol in her hand, as the cover.
Mouth breathing loudly IS NOT ACTING, its filler...
...Snarling in the background...in a fake computer generated way...does not scare me.
The explanation of the mission, trash.
You cant see the characters...doesn't make it claustrophobic, it just makes me angry...
The only reason this movie gets watched is because of the cute blonde girl, looking half naked, with a pistol in her hand, as the cover.
Mouth breathing loudly IS NOT ACTING, its filler...
...Snarling in the background...in a fake computer generated way...does not scare me.
The explanation of the mission, trash.
You cant see the characters...doesn't make it claustrophobic, it just makes me angry...
and the movie didn't even try anything new, deep, or original...
He also gave a 1 out of 10 to... WTF is Dyke Hard? Well, if it's anything like Star Wars or Crawl or Die or... Die Hard, I gotta watch it.
Final Verdict: [Pretty Good]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 06-02-16 at 02:04 PM.
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Cube
Psychological Thriller / English / 1997
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Another minimalist concept thriller I've been meaning to rewatch.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Similar to Crawl or Die, Cube is all about one thing: A bunch of people trapped in a cube surrounded by cubes and trying to escape.
The premise is straightforward enough. How'd they get in the cubes? Where'd the cubes come from? What purpose do they serve?
The answers to these and similar questions are explored over the course of the movie in the form of characters accusing each other of paranoia. Some are answered, most are not. And you know, mystery can work and as far as Cube is concerned, I think it does.
As proven by it's far inferior sequels, knowing the circumstances of the cube or seeing it from the outside looking in really just ruins the deceit.
It's like a magic trick. It's spoiled if you know the secret and sometimes you'll be ****ing horrified by how it's accomplished.
Ultimately while it's better not knowing the secrets surrounding the Cube, I feel the movie suffers from lack of apparent point. It exercises unique themes and elements not explored in other movies, but it never really does anything with them by trying to be about anything.
Considering that, the movie has to fall back on it's plot which I'm inclined to criticize on two major fronts besides.
Firstly, the graphic death scenes. I get that we want to get an idea of the gruesome stakes at play if the characters screw up and go the wrong way, but even in Kung Fury I don't like seeing crossections of people after they've been suddenly bisected. That's just gross and does nothing for a squeamish audience.
At least in Kung Fury it was immediately played off in a joke about being able to tell whether the guy was dead or not, but here it seems like we get this stuff just because it's a movie only horror fans would watch and horror fans won't be satisfied unless they see guts spilled. This movie came out just a month after Event Horizon, did you know?
Secondly, Quentin. Agghhh Quentin.
Quentin's character is frustrating to watch since we share his perspective for a large chunk of the movie where he can be both personable while throwing out a great line or two ("Kazan, my man!"), but the problem is his sudden heelfaceturn into a psychopath.
Okay, let's be fair, it's well foreshadowed but the approach the movie takes to portray him as increasingly mad pushes cheesy without ever diving into full-on NUTJOB.
GRANTED, I'd have preferred a more realistic twist to the movie in the form of Quentin appearing totally reasonable for the vast majority of it until we, as the audience, are forced to step back and reassess (a la 'the big picture', a theme that would have been perfect to echo one final time in this way), but alas, Quentin just seems to go off the deep end immediately, crosses the line into antagonist by the halfway point, and the movie never really takes a chance to turn him into a memorable villain which it feels pretty empty without.
Perhaps Quentin could have represented human ignorance, or narrow-mindedness? If that was the goal here though I think it failed to convey those ideas effectively.
It seems equal parts concerned about WHY the cube as well as WHY the characters, and it may be noteworthy to consider that the one police officer, the one guy who's job it is to maintain order, is the only one to lose his ****, but he's also the one guy with dark skin in the entire cast.
To exploit a sour metaphor, it feels like the movie's fishing with the concept of "purpose", but not catching anything with it. It's just there. Driving dialog, but arriving nowhere.
I could attempt to derive about as much meaning from the fact that condiments are mentioned no less than three times in the movie.
Sour Cream, Butter, and Honey.
What purpose do these serve other than to irritate me? It's a conspiracy, that's what.
The characters constantly speak of a 'they', but there's no 'they', just as they speak of food when there's no food to be seen.
It's just a bunch of rooms.
But it's not even a bunch of rooms it's just one room shot from different angles and lit in different ways. You're just here. Because you know something and what you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there. Like a splinter in your mind.
Final Verdict: [Pretty Good]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 05-28-16 at 07:31 PM.
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The Night Porter
Erotic Romance / Italian / 1974
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
It was an inspiration for Toy Story.
I have a fetish for schutzstaffel uniforms.
I was told a killer whale with a bazooka would be involved.
One of these statements are true.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*I have a fetish for schutzstaffel uniforms.
I was told a killer whale with a bazooka would be involved.
One of these statements are true.
WARNING: "Multiple Choice" spoilers below
Ya got me, I totally thought Night Porter was the name of a porpoise commando.
Ya KNOW... this couuuuuuuuuld have worked.
The idea of a concentration camp prisoner falling in with one of her tormentors with a kinky reunion sounds like a HUUUUUGE stretch, not to mention a concept that runs the risk of being offensive on nearly every level, but if Night Porter proves anything, it's that this concept is possible. Just not in this movie.
The first half of the movie resumes years after World War 2 and we follow one such ex-nazi (?) officer when he's working a pitiful service job, largely submitting to people left and right, while he's also dealing with his upcoming trial intended to pass judgment on his past war crimes.
One of his victims shows up and while she seems fearful and uncertain at first, we're tricklefed flashbacks that lead us to believe that their relationship may not have been quite so one-sided as we might otherwise safely assume.
Our main guy meanwhile has a chance to prove himself redeemable to the audience through his reaction to other ex-nazi (?) colleagues that want to see him safely through his trial by "filing away" witnesses.
Two main trip-ups here.
Firstly, we waste no time showing that he raped her, likely more than once, which obviously does worse than NOTHING to endear us to him as a character. It just makes the job of selling this concept harder than it already is, AND IT'S PLENTY HARD BELIEVE YOU ME
Secondly, we get one scene in which he meets with a witness who says he knows the girl and after a proposed fishing trip (URG!) we get an audio overlay while he flips out either implying that he killed the man, or thought to kill the man. It's not made entirely clear.
Alright, we're in a rough patch, our "bad guy" seems like a pretty miserable guy who feels guilty about what he's done and our leading lady appears to harbor some complex feelings towards him. MAYBE this can work.
NOPE.
At the 52 minute mark, the dead-center of the movie, Night Porter pulls The Secretary on us and AGAIN that BDSM switch is flipped like a ******* lightbulb. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS **** WORKS.
I should know, my slaves are very well pampered.
So, not only does our main guy have the weight of a rape history and an eventually CONFIRMED murder of a witness who was honestly, pretty friggen' considerate despite this guy being A NAZI, but he also zones in on the girl, starts yelling at her "WHY ARE YOU HERE!? WHY ARE YOU HERE!?", BEATING HER, AND PREVENTING HER FROM ESCAPING...
"Ooooh... I fear for my life, I suddenly want your penis now."
It's AAAAAAAAAAAAALL downhill from there. And it's not even a smooth decline, there are giant pits and boulders all over that hill, so you're not bikin' down it without skinning your knees or breakin' a wheel.
The girl's character is effectively broken over the writer's knee and just has this dead stare the rest of the movie while the guy instantly confesses his love for her and just smacks her cross the face at regular intervals. They're not even trying to smack her sexily.
The girl's character is effectively broken over the writer's knee and just has this dead stare the rest of the movie while the guy instantly confesses his love for her and just smacks her cross the face at regular intervals. They're not even trying to smack her sexily.
Eventually the other nazi guys figure out what he's doing which they care about because... her potential testimony endangers him? Even though she's literally subservient to him? IDOFUQQINNO...
Eventually they starve themselves out in his apartment because malnutrition is sexy (just like pissing over somebody's office chair is sexy) until they eventually walk outside and promptly get shot.
Dead.
Movie over.
Eventually they starve themselves out in his apartment because malnutrition is sexy (just like pissing over somebody's office chair is sexy) until they eventually walk outside and promptly get shot.
Dead.
Movie over.
Final Verdict: [Just... Bad]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 05-28-16 at 07:32 PM.
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Cube is pretty good indeed. At least the concept is awesome.
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Something From Alice
Stop-Motion Fantasy Horror / Czech / 1988
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
I stumbled over a brief clip of it on Vimeo some time ago. Looked like a long lost stop-motion classic.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*Let's get the elephant in the room out of the way first.
AAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
Now that we're past that, I've read reviews saying that this was one of the adaptions of Alice in Wonderland closest to the original source material. I call BOGUS.
1988's Czechoslovakian "Alice" (or "Something from Alice", I'm just going to call it unofficially "Alice Thought" because that makes too much sense) is far from an accurate retelling of Lewis Carrol's story. Entire sections of the story are skipped outright and new sequences are invented out of nowhere.
The new sequences are fortunately right at home with the original story given their curiouser and curiouser combination of discovery and befuddlement. One particular scene (which happened to be the one I watched prior to the movie) features a rat swimming up to Alice after she's filled the room with her tears as he proceeds to climb up on her head and casually build a fire with her hair to cook a pot of food.
Scenes like these are welcome, but the omissions hurt, particularly the total absence of The Cheshire Cat (however...). There's little wordplay here too given that most of the movie is silent and what little dialog there is is narrated to us by Alice.
If there's anything I think Alice Thought nails harder than any other adaption I've seen before it, it's the aesthetic. Nearly everything in the movie looks like it was made from something dug out of the biggest oldest attic they could find and in the process I think they really really captured that ancient nostalgia that few of us still remember and even fewer of us had the chance to experience. It probably emulates the environment a little girl growing up in the English 1850s better than any other movie I've seen.
The Mad Hatter's a marionette, the March Hare's a windup toy, and when Alice shrinks in size, she's presented as a porcelain doll. From pincushions to skeleton keys, the world feels extraordinarily distant from the 80s, save what few effects were only possible given the technology then.
The stop motion, if you're into that sort of thing, is immediately engaging to me. It's that rough blend of stop-motion framerates and real-time camera footage that gives it a very Wallace & Gromit feel (and by that I actually mean a very Gumbi feel). When you see Alice's hands bat at one of the creatures, it's obvious that they're fake hands, and similarly it's obvious that when the actress herself is in the shot, all of the creatures are suddenly immobile (save a select few effects shots like the one with the rat on her head which is bookended by similar one-or-the-other shots).
The general mix of great stop-motion, the old attic aesthetic, and of course that layer of madness Alice in Wonderland wouldn't be without all makes Alice Thought a very memorable, watchable, and nostalgic ride.
BUT...
This has easily got to be one of the most disgusting movies I've ever seen.
If you can't already tell, that's a real rabbit they're using to portray the White Rabbit. As in a dead one. As in the story literally has a taxidermied rabbit come to life and start running around with scissors.
Now, to be honest, the concept of an old stuffed rabbit coming to life and struggling to maintain it's stuffing by eating sawdust is kinda interesting to me. I liked how every time he takes his pocketwatch out he's got to brush the sawdust off.
I'd be cool with that... if it was a fake rabbit. It's real though. Dead real.
Just like MOST of the critters in this movie. The rabbit itself is easier to feign life into given it's fur, but when they animate a dead fish for the Fish-Footman and whatever the hell monstrosity they got for this hot mess:
1988's Czechoslovakian "Alice" (or "Something from Alice", I'm just going to call it unofficially "Alice Thought" because that makes too much sense) is far from an accurate retelling of Lewis Carrol's story. Entire sections of the story are skipped outright and new sequences are invented out of nowhere.
The new sequences are fortunately right at home with the original story given their curiouser and curiouser combination of discovery and befuddlement. One particular scene (which happened to be the one I watched prior to the movie) features a rat swimming up to Alice after she's filled the room with her tears as he proceeds to climb up on her head and casually build a fire with her hair to cook a pot of food.
Scenes like these are welcome, but the omissions hurt, particularly the total absence of The Cheshire Cat (however...). There's little wordplay here too given that most of the movie is silent and what little dialog there is is narrated to us by Alice.
If there's anything I think Alice Thought nails harder than any other adaption I've seen before it, it's the aesthetic. Nearly everything in the movie looks like it was made from something dug out of the biggest oldest attic they could find and in the process I think they really really captured that ancient nostalgia that few of us still remember and even fewer of us had the chance to experience. It probably emulates the environment a little girl growing up in the English 1850s better than any other movie I've seen.
The Mad Hatter's a marionette, the March Hare's a windup toy, and when Alice shrinks in size, she's presented as a porcelain doll. From pincushions to skeleton keys, the world feels extraordinarily distant from the 80s, save what few effects were only possible given the technology then.
The stop motion, if you're into that sort of thing, is immediately engaging to me. It's that rough blend of stop-motion framerates and real-time camera footage that gives it a very Wallace & Gromit feel (and by that I actually mean a very Gumbi feel). When you see Alice's hands bat at one of the creatures, it's obvious that they're fake hands, and similarly it's obvious that when the actress herself is in the shot, all of the creatures are suddenly immobile (save a select few effects shots like the one with the rat on her head which is bookended by similar one-or-the-other shots).
The general mix of great stop-motion, the old attic aesthetic, and of course that layer of madness Alice in Wonderland wouldn't be without all makes Alice Thought a very memorable, watchable, and nostalgic ride.
BUT...
This has easily got to be one of the most disgusting movies I've ever seen.
If you can't already tell, that's a real rabbit they're using to portray the White Rabbit. As in a dead one. As in the story literally has a taxidermied rabbit come to life and start running around with scissors.
Now, to be honest, the concept of an old stuffed rabbit coming to life and struggling to maintain it's stuffing by eating sawdust is kinda interesting to me. I liked how every time he takes his pocketwatch out he's got to brush the sawdust off.
I'd be cool with that... if it was a fake rabbit. It's real though. Dead real.
Just like MOST of the critters in this movie. The rabbit itself is easier to feign life into given it's fur, but when they animate a dead fish for the Fish-Footman and whatever the hell monstrosity they got for this hot mess:
...I'm just sickened. LOOK at that mouth! It's rotted to hell!
Not like skeletons are any better, WHICH THEY ALSO ANIMATE.
It's bad enough to dress up the corpses of some poor thing and pretend to make it dance like some massive ****ing sociopath, but they use LIVE animals too!
Hedgehogs, chickens, A WHOLE LOT A BEATLES, and one PARTICULARLY terrified piglet were subjected to this movie.
Also whatever creature got diced up to play the animate slab of meat.
Yes, they animate a pile of meat.
Not like skeletons are any better, WHICH THEY ALSO ANIMATE.
It's bad enough to dress up the corpses of some poor thing and pretend to make it dance like some massive ****ing sociopath, but they use LIVE animals too!
Hedgehogs, chickens, A WHOLE LOT A BEATLES, and one PARTICULARLY terrified piglet were subjected to this movie.
Also whatever creature got diced up to play the animate slab of meat.
Yes, they animate a pile of meat.
*breaths* I don't think this movie was made for me.
Final Verdict: [Just... Bad]
It does lend itself one very important question though: What might have happened if Tum Burton brought Henry Selick to create a stop-motion Alice in Wonderland instead of that futterwacken **** we got?
It does lend itself one very important question though: What might have happened if Tum Burton brought Henry Selick to create a stop-motion Alice in Wonderland instead of that futterwacken **** we got?
Last edited by Omnizoa; 06-02-16 at 02:07 PM.
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The Wallace & Gromit Trilogy
Stop-Motion Comedy / English / 1989-1995
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
After Alice Thought, it got me jonesing for some stop-motion. It's been ages since I've actually seen Wallace and Gromit. Reassessment time!
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*I know there are more than 3 W&G shorts and I know that they're approximately as long as Kung Fury each, but I don't care. It's tough to think of one and not all of them, and by all of them I mean the 3 they made before doing Chicken Run and then returning to the series with a feature-length movie which Dreamworks saw fit to **** with.
That's not part of my nostalgia. Besides, these three movies are listed as one under the title "Wallace & Gromit in Three Amazing Adventures" on moviedb.org, so I'm running with that.
Anyway, without going overlong, let's chat on each short individually and just what thoughts immediately float to the surface.
1.) A Grand Day Out (4/5)
I think A Grand Day Out hit a lot of people the same way And Now For Something Completely Different hit a lot of people.
"I don't get it. I'm not a fan of British humor."
Frankly, I don't get the complaint. Surely comedy can take it's time and rely less on blatant jokes and more on just sticking a toe over the boundary of silliness.
The first 5 minutes are slow and the pace here comes across like A Grand Day Out was intended to be a demo project. It may very well have been, but regardless of what it comes across as I think it usually catches first time viewers shortly after the setup.
Wallace and Gromit want to vacation somewhere where there's cheese (I know) and decide the moon would be the perfect place (because the moon's made of cheese of course). This joke is honestly pretty dated by today's standards, I can't imagine many people growing up today would actually know that used to be a thing.
After an upbeat rocket-building montage which has a couple moments of slapstick, Gromit's in the pilot seat and Wallace has lit the fuse (because it's like a bottle rocket I guess) and is standing there thinking what he's missed before going...
"The crackers, Gromit! We forgot the crackers!" That musical sting combined with his goofy (and soon-to-be signature) hand gesture just pulls it all together at which point we get a dramatic action sequence of racing the fuse to run up stairs and grab crackers (which appears to be the only thing in their cabinets).
By this point I don't think there's anyone with a sense of humor who couldn't find this amusing. The short adventure that follows takes them to the moon and back again all while exercising a peculiar mix of fairly slow-paced sequences, visual gags, and occasional bursts of energy.
I like it, and I feel the dog/cheese stuff is abstracted out to a fairly comfortable degree for me.
Recommended.
2.) The Wrong Trousers (5/5)
The Wrong Trousers, being a sequel, serves to cement what Aardman Productions considered to be integral to a Wallace & Gromit short.
Other than the two characters and their relationship, we establish that Wallace is an inventor, Gromit is most definitely the smarter of the two, and there's always an air of a horror atmosphere which is emphasized by the title font and excellent and memorable soundtrack.
The soundtrack for all of these shorts are good, and it's not just the music, the sound design is really great too which lends an appreciable weight and realism to even simple things.
We get a PeeWee's Big Adventure breakfast machine to open up which is a lot more enjoyable to watch and helps maintain the faster pace of this episode which ultimately culminates in an awesome action sequence near the end which must have stretched AP's stop-motion skills to the limit at the time.
Something I always notice going into this episode is Wallace's permanently defined mouth which would shrink to lips in A Grand Day Out. You also can't mention The Wrong Trousers without giving due attention to The Penguin as the antagonist who put's Batman's Penguin to shame without even saying a word, just a chiller sting and a lightning flash.
Also a gun.
I think Gromit's estranged relationship with Wallace due to the introduction of The Penguin plays out ludicrously better and over a shorter running time than most any other character breakups I've seen in movies or tv shows. They make it seem so simple to care. And yet so often I don't.
The usual stuff is still there, even more so this time, but given The Penguin and Gromit sharing awareness with the audience, it's still abstracted out to a comfortable degree for me.
Strongly recommended. Watch it!
By this point I don't think there's anyone with a sense of humor who couldn't find this amusing. The short adventure that follows takes them to the moon and back again all while exercising a peculiar mix of fairly slow-paced sequences, visual gags, and occasional bursts of energy.
I like it, and I feel the dog/cheese stuff is abstracted out to a fairly comfortable degree for me.
Recommended.
2.) The Wrong Trousers (5/5)
The Wrong Trousers, being a sequel, serves to cement what Aardman Productions considered to be integral to a Wallace & Gromit short.
Other than the two characters and their relationship, we establish that Wallace is an inventor, Gromit is most definitely the smarter of the two, and there's always an air of a horror atmosphere which is emphasized by the title font and excellent and memorable soundtrack.
The soundtrack for all of these shorts are good, and it's not just the music, the sound design is really great too which lends an appreciable weight and realism to even simple things.
We get a PeeWee's Big Adventure breakfast machine to open up which is a lot more enjoyable to watch and helps maintain the faster pace of this episode which ultimately culminates in an awesome action sequence near the end which must have stretched AP's stop-motion skills to the limit at the time.
Something I always notice going into this episode is Wallace's permanently defined mouth which would shrink to lips in A Grand Day Out. You also can't mention The Wrong Trousers without giving due attention to The Penguin as the antagonist who put's Batman's Penguin to shame without even saying a word, just a chiller sting and a lightning flash.
Also a gun.
I think Gromit's estranged relationship with Wallace due to the introduction of The Penguin plays out ludicrously better and over a shorter running time than most any other character breakups I've seen in movies or tv shows. They make it seem so simple to care. And yet so often I don't.
The usual stuff is still there, even more so this time, but given The Penguin and Gromit sharing awareness with the audience, it's still abstracted out to a comfortable degree for me.
Strongly recommended. Watch it!
3.) A Close Shave (3/5)
I never really paid attention to the length of these shorts before, but it's telling that A Close Shave always felt way longer than either of the other two shorts despite only lasting a minute or two longer.
The best thing I have to say about it is that the animation has improved ever so slightly, and whether it's skill or budget, whatever it was gave this one room to be fancier with it's claymation work and push further with even more physical comedy, liquid effects, and bigger action sequences.
Beyond that, I'll admit the short has definitely made me laugh in the past, but it's easily the least rewatchable of the three.
Part of the reason for that I think is the subplot involving Wallace hitting on the yarn store owner (who's secretly a sheep thief). I really don't care whether they end up together in the end or not and when she turns him down in the end there's a big empty silence full of all the ****s I don't give.
I care when Gromit gets shown up by The Penguin and steals his place at home even though he has no mouth or words to telegraph his jealousy and loneliness with, but Wallace's fascination with Whateverhernameis comes off as unintentionally weak. Or is it intentional? If it is, it's not funny, because beyond them looking the same save hair and earrings, there's nothing amusing about their banter that isn't the exact same thing I've seen a million times fail in other romcom situations.
The other part is all that crap that was abstracted out in the prior shorts is brought to the forefront here. Cheese, pets, sheep-wrangling, wool, meat, eeeeeggggggghhhhhhhh...
If you're like me, and who am I kidding of course you aren't, then you won't like this one as much as the other two, but if you aren't then you can probably expect a couple yucks.
This is the movie that introduced the now shockingly popular Shaun the Sheep spin-off series (wait, this is a thing?) and I still don't really know why.
Okay, I get it, he's marketable as hell, but Shaun in A Close Shave is funny only because he's one-dimensional and always has permanent expression of shocked indifference on his face.
Make him the protagonist of his own series? >_> Okayyy...
Not/Maybe/Kinda recommended.
Overall, a very memorable collection of animated classics. Not just some of the first stop-motion-centric movies, but also some of the best. Which reminds me...
Where'd my stop-motion movies go? Last thing I saw was ParaNorman.
Maybe this Kubo and the Two Strings'll be good, but... Seth Rogan's attached and I don't find his schtick terribly funny.
Final Verdict: [Pretty Good]
I never really paid attention to the length of these shorts before, but it's telling that A Close Shave always felt way longer than either of the other two shorts despite only lasting a minute or two longer.
The best thing I have to say about it is that the animation has improved ever so slightly, and whether it's skill or budget, whatever it was gave this one room to be fancier with it's claymation work and push further with even more physical comedy, liquid effects, and bigger action sequences.
Beyond that, I'll admit the short has definitely made me laugh in the past, but it's easily the least rewatchable of the three.
Part of the reason for that I think is the subplot involving Wallace hitting on the yarn store owner (who's secretly a sheep thief). I really don't care whether they end up together in the end or not and when she turns him down in the end there's a big empty silence full of all the ****s I don't give.
I care when Gromit gets shown up by The Penguin and steals his place at home even though he has no mouth or words to telegraph his jealousy and loneliness with, but Wallace's fascination with Whateverhernameis comes off as unintentionally weak. Or is it intentional? If it is, it's not funny, because beyond them looking the same save hair and earrings, there's nothing amusing about their banter that isn't the exact same thing I've seen a million times fail in other romcom situations.
The other part is all that crap that was abstracted out in the prior shorts is brought to the forefront here. Cheese, pets, sheep-wrangling, wool, meat, eeeeeggggggghhhhhhhh...
If you're like me, and who am I kidding of course you aren't, then you won't like this one as much as the other two, but if you aren't then you can probably expect a couple yucks.
This is the movie that introduced the now shockingly popular Shaun the Sheep spin-off series (wait, this is a thing?) and I still don't really know why.
Okay, I get it, he's marketable as hell, but Shaun in A Close Shave is funny only because he's one-dimensional and always has permanent expression of shocked indifference on his face.
Make him the protagonist of his own series? >_> Okayyy...
Not/Maybe/Kinda recommended.
Overall, a very memorable collection of animated classics. Not just some of the first stop-motion-centric movies, but also some of the best. Which reminds me...
Where'd my stop-motion movies go? Last thing I saw was ParaNorman.
Maybe this Kubo and the Two Strings'll be good, but... Seth Rogan's attached and I don't find his schtick terribly funny.
Final Verdict: [Pretty Good]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 08-16-16 at 09:33 AM.
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Arhh, too bad. I've wanted to watch this for quite some time.
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Tron
Sci-Fi Adventure / English / 1982
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
I wasn't able to finish watching it the first time I saw it. What with all this 80s stuff, now seems a good time to wrap it up.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*Having now completed Tron, I get the feeling that had I actually seen it all the way through back in the day, it would easily have become one of my favorite staples.
Unless I'm missing something, Tron is almost certainly the progenitor of that "80s sci-fi" visual aesthetic I like so much and being the first (again, unless I'm missing something and if so please tell me) I'm inclined to lend some big points to it.
Clearly, Tron's visuals are accomplished in a variety of ways, those foremost being 3D modeling and rotoscoping. Where either would prove excessive or impractical, the sets are designed to conceal their surfaces and textures and are probably brushed over in post to better contrast their light and dark patterns from rogue lights.
The rotoscoping is done very well. It looks quite dated now of course and the human characters stand out with a gross amount of texture, but they clash mostly with the 3D models which is technology still with one foot in crib and the only way it barely manages to get away with it is the explicitly computer-generated setting they exist in.
Enough about the visuals though. As much as I may geek out over how it looks, it's not just eye candy, it's trying to be a movie. So how does it work as a story?
It's... serviceable. In a bare minimum kinda way.
A lot of the dialog is spattered with computer jargon which will simultaneously goes over the heads of people who don't get it, clash with the understandings of people who do get it, and frequently just venture directly into Star Trek-style technobabble.
This is odd to me considering that being one of the first movies to seriously invest in 3D modeling the creators MUST have had some reasonable idea of how these things work, so I feel like either the writer was either completed detached from that creative process or they felt that they had to stoop down to audience levels and trade out "actually makes sense if you understand computers" with "just sounds cool".
Save that which I can overlook, the story feels pretty stock-standard. Guy gets sucked into a computer, has to fight an evil program, beats the evil program, saves the day. That's it.
This movie loses points for me on two major fronts plotwise:
1.) Inexplicably forced love interest completely blindsides the climactic moment with a kiss that is neither earned, deserved, or makes sense. STUPID.
2.) This movie seems pretty schizophrenic about who the hero should be. The premise is about Jeff Bridges who gets sucked into a computer and has to fight his way out by beating the malevolent AI that runs it. Sounds like he'd be the hero, right? Well the movie's not called "Flynn" is it? SOOO... maybe it's about Tron?
Maybe he's a martyr at the end?
Maybe Tron represents something about the themes of the story?
Maybe Jeff Bridges dies and somehow he leaves the system up to Tron to carry on?
Nope, he's literally just some guy. Granted, he's not a total pedestrian, he's SUPPOSED to be there since his real-world counterpart created him specifically to keep things in order, but he really is second fiddle to Jeff Bridges nearly the whole way through the movie. He has one or two brief moments of fighting, but was that really enough to cement him as our primary protagonist? He vaguely echoes a recurring theme of theism, but that's hardly exercised in any significant way, so what's the deal there?
I think they thought Tron just sounded like a cool name for the movie (not that I can really blame them, still).
They might as well have named the movie after this guy.
A lot of the movie is simply the capture, escape, and exploration of the world within this basic plot and as much as I appreciate the chance to absorb all the nuance and creativity that went into the world and it's aesthetic, you know what I think it was missing? A really sick soundtrack.
And I'm not talkin' that WUBWUB ****.
There's some music, but it feels pretty generic. Is it wrong to think of the Kingdom Hearts 2 soundtrack at a time like this?
Actually, no. Scratch that. The Space Paranoids level almost always gave me a ruthless headache and I blame that in part on the repetitive synth music.
I have a better appreciation for that level now though. I want to see more nostalgic environments, not new **** like Tangled. GIMME STAR WARS!
It's... serviceable. In a bare minimum kinda way.
A lot of the dialog is spattered with computer jargon which will simultaneously goes over the heads of people who don't get it, clash with the understandings of people who do get it, and frequently just venture directly into Star Trek-style technobabble.
This is odd to me considering that being one of the first movies to seriously invest in 3D modeling the creators MUST have had some reasonable idea of how these things work, so I feel like either the writer was either completed detached from that creative process or they felt that they had to stoop down to audience levels and trade out "actually makes sense if you understand computers" with "just sounds cool".
Save that which I can overlook, the story feels pretty stock-standard. Guy gets sucked into a computer, has to fight an evil program, beats the evil program, saves the day. That's it.
This movie loses points for me on two major fronts plotwise:
1.) Inexplicably forced love interest completely blindsides the climactic moment with a kiss that is neither earned, deserved, or makes sense. STUPID.
2.) This movie seems pretty schizophrenic about who the hero should be. The premise is about Jeff Bridges who gets sucked into a computer and has to fight his way out by beating the malevolent AI that runs it. Sounds like he'd be the hero, right? Well the movie's not called "Flynn" is it? SOOO... maybe it's about Tron?
Maybe he's a martyr at the end?
Maybe Tron represents something about the themes of the story?
Maybe Jeff Bridges dies and somehow he leaves the system up to Tron to carry on?
Nope, he's literally just some guy. Granted, he's not a total pedestrian, he's SUPPOSED to be there since his real-world counterpart created him specifically to keep things in order, but he really is second fiddle to Jeff Bridges nearly the whole way through the movie. He has one or two brief moments of fighting, but was that really enough to cement him as our primary protagonist? He vaguely echoes a recurring theme of theism, but that's hardly exercised in any significant way, so what's the deal there?
I think they thought Tron just sounded like a cool name for the movie (not that I can really blame them, still).
They might as well have named the movie after this guy.
A lot of the movie is simply the capture, escape, and exploration of the world within this basic plot and as much as I appreciate the chance to absorb all the nuance and creativity that went into the world and it's aesthetic, you know what I think it was missing? A really sick soundtrack.
And I'm not talkin' that WUBWUB ****.
There's some music, but it feels pretty generic. Is it wrong to think of the Kingdom Hearts 2 soundtrack at a time like this?
Actually, no. Scratch that. The Space Paranoids level almost always gave me a ruthless headache and I blame that in part on the repetitive synth music.
I have a better appreciation for that level now though. I want to see more nostalgic environments, not new **** like Tangled. GIMME STAR WARS!
Final Verdict: [Pretty Good]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 05-28-16 at 07:35 PM.
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Airplane!
Comedy / English / 1980
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Considered one of the greatest comedies ever made, it was most recently brought up in Iro's Film Diary thread.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS* Originally Posted by Omnizoa
Been meaning to see that for a LONG time.
Originally Posted by Iroquois
Please do. It's one of the finest cinematic parodies ever made.
Looks like I'm the odd one out here again.
I gotta credit Airplane, it sure went all out to try and get a laugh out me. It put a beard on a plane. Gotta respect that level of dedication to sheer absurdity and with more than every other line feeding directly into some sort dialog gag, visual gag, or physical humor, there's plenty of opportunies to get me.
Just wish I didn't find myself counting.
Moments that got a giggle out of me:
+ Intercom conversation that shifts suddenly to whether the speaker should get an abortion.
+ Little girl who inexplicably ends a polite and sophisticated conversation between children with "I take my coffee black. Like my man."
+ Passenger who somehow manages to hang themselves inside the cabin.
+ Jive subtitles.
+ "I just wanted to tell you both: Good luck. We're all counting on you."
The rest of the movie is just vaguely amusing to me. The inflatable autopilot is humorously baffling (particularly given his expression) and nearly every opportunity to add nonsense to the proceedings is taken and by the end of the movie, regular dialog is constantly interrupted by cutaways to literal interpretations of what the characters are saying like when ground control mentions "flight instruments":
That's not funny to me. Neither are several of the running gags that just get annoying by the end of it all such as our main character's "drinking problem", which WAIT- STOP.
Take a wild guess.
Yep, he literally has a problem drinking.
HAR HAR HAR HAR.
This stuff might have been somewhat funny to me years ago when that was the extent of my creativity, but now? Honestly this didn't feel like much of a parody of the airlines. It's more of a farce that takes place at an airport.
Personally I find this funnier:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I gotta credit Airplane, it sure went all out to try and get a laugh out me. It put a beard on a plane. Gotta respect that level of dedication to sheer absurdity and with more than every other line feeding directly into some sort dialog gag, visual gag, or physical humor, there's plenty of opportunies to get me.
Just wish I didn't find myself counting.
Moments that got a giggle out of me:
+ Intercom conversation that shifts suddenly to whether the speaker should get an abortion.
+ Little girl who inexplicably ends a polite and sophisticated conversation between children with "I take my coffee black. Like my man."
+ Passenger who somehow manages to hang themselves inside the cabin.
+ Jive subtitles.
+ "I just wanted to tell you both: Good luck. We're all counting on you."
The rest of the movie is just vaguely amusing to me. The inflatable autopilot is humorously baffling (particularly given his expression) and nearly every opportunity to add nonsense to the proceedings is taken and by the end of the movie, regular dialog is constantly interrupted by cutaways to literal interpretations of what the characters are saying like when ground control mentions "flight instruments":
That's not funny to me. Neither are several of the running gags that just get annoying by the end of it all such as our main character's "drinking problem", which WAIT- STOP.
Take a wild guess.
Yep, he literally has a problem drinking.
HAR HAR HAR HAR.
This stuff might have been somewhat funny to me years ago when that was the extent of my creativity, but now? Honestly this didn't feel like much of a parody of the airlines. It's more of a farce that takes place at an airport.
Personally I find this funnier:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Final Verdict: [Meh...]
Last edited by Omnizoa; 05-28-16 at 07:36 PM.
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