F9
 

F9
Spoilers ahead



Who the **** would have thought that a movie about robbing trucks full of DVD players would spawn such an insane series 20 years later. This franchise has come a long way from Dom being afraid of some Asian dudes in really tight leather pants. Has anyone checked on Johnny Tran and see how he is doing after Dom kicked his ass at Race Wars. Ever since Fast Five, this franchise veered off into the absurd (I will forever call bull**** on them being able to swap the vaults in that chase in Brazil), and the movies got better. Let's recap how insane and off the rail it has reached at times:


There are more that escape me, but yeah, this series is nuts, and it ****ing rules. So enough blabbering, let's get to the ninth movie.



The Good

Car chases/the end: The one thing this series always nails is its car chases. By the 9th one, they can make a decent car chase scene in their sleep. The opening one in the jungle is solid. Same for the first one where they used magnets. That end one, though, is a real highlight. The magnets were used in full force here, and it added a new wrinkle to the chase scenes. Sure it is impossible the number of times they jump on and off these fast-moving cars and don't get hurt, but that logic went out the window immediately in the first film. The whole last 30 minutes of this movie is killer stuff. The alternating between the space adventure and the chase was a good mix of humor and action.



Chemistry: I will never get sick of Ludacris and Tyrese together. They are the backbone of these movies now. Everything about them in space was hilarious. Also, Han being added back to the mix added some heart to the film. Sure his resurrection makes no sense but **** it, why think too much about this movie. Lucas Black and Lil Bow Wow are also a nice touch here and have some good lines. Lil Bow Wow looks like **** though.



Death doesn't exist: Good thing death doesn't exist here in the Fast & Furious world, or else there would be about half of these movies. Roman should have died about 5 times in this movie. Han and Letty being alive is nothing short of bull**** shenanigans. Dom easily died 6 times in this movie. One of them being the longest death you have ever seen. All these bullets being fired, and yet no one dies. The Stormtroopers from Star Wars would shed a tear in proudness over everyone's incapability to hit their target. The lack of death in this movie only adds to the fun and makes this movie a riot.



All the get the **** out of here moments: This movie is chock-full of moments that will make you laugh and go no way ****ing is that possible. Dom whipping his car off a cliff and somehow catching a rope onto one of his tires is impossible. They made a ****ing airplane and launched it into space. How can you not love this ****? The whole end in the truck would have killed all of them. As dumb as all these comments are, somehow the movie is still good, and the dumbness just works so well.



-Han's return would have been better had it not been advertised in advance. Still kicked ass though

- John Cena was good here. I wouldn't mind a spinoff of his life before this movie. His life as a spy and agent could be pretty good.





The Bad

Far too Long: Keep these movies at about 2hours and 15 minutes at most. The middle section drags on and on and on and on. In reality, this movie could have been real short if Dom and his brother just ****ing talked to each other. Here is all they needed to say

Dom: Why did you kill dad?

Jacob: I didn't mean to kill him, he asked me to help throw the race, it was an accident.

Dom: Oh well, that sucks

Jacob: Yup

End of movie…. there I just cut an hour from this movie

Just keep **** simple, give some laughs, some car chases, and maybe a little spiel about family. Bam 2 hours, and everyone is happy. The lame secondary villain with Jacob also didn't help this movie in the middle section. The whole Star wars chat between the rich dude (i don't even think they named this character) and Cypher was horrible. It should have been cut from this movie as well.



Vin Diesel: This dude was a soulless and joyless robot throughout this whole movie. He had a constant sour puss look on his face. He really tried his best to be better than the Rock and failed miserably. That whole dumb fight in the tunnel or wherever that was, where he takes on about 50 bad guys, was horrible. Hobbs could have pulled it off because the Rock has enough talent to make it fun. Diesel, not so much. His constant serious attitude makes him a Debbie downer here. In previous films, his serious attitude worked well because other characters made the movie fun. Here he is just a black hole sucking the fun out of the movie.



Cameos: It's never a good sign when a franchise just starts cramming cameos into its movies. Cardi B annoys the **** out of me, so her 5 minutes in this movie made me want to stab my ears with knives. I don't remember if she was in the 8th one, but her cameo in that can **** off as well. Helen Miren really didn't need to be in this at all. Francis Ngannou is a bad mother****er, but I didn't need his useless little spot. This dude is one of the saddest human beings on earth and at no point was that illustrated.



-For the second time ever, Charlie Theron didn't look like a smoke show. Maybe the producers saw some pictures of me and my brother rocking bowl cuts on the mid 90 and said perhaps she can pull that look off. Well, I'm here to tell you that no one can pull off the bowl cut.

- No one is buying that Dom has a brother. I have watched these movies for 20 years, and they never dropped a hint about him. **** off with that storyline.



Usually, by the 4th entry in a movie franchise, the franchise loses steam, and it's time to end it. Not with this one, though. You keep making these movies, and I will keep going to see them, no matter how absurd it gets. You want a Transformers crossover? Yup, give it to me. Toretto vs. a T-Rex and other Jurassic World dinosaurs yup, shut up and take my money. The family and G.I. Joe against Cobra, sure why not. **** it, give me a Fast & Furious and Star War mash-up. Bitches have been into space so let's get nuts. Hell, you want to get educational and have them meet the Seasame Street gang, great let's learn our ABC and count to 10 bitches cause I'm all in. Maybe then ill finally learn proper grammar…. Nah, **** that. Anyways is this the best in the series? No, and it's not even close. It's still a lot of fun to watch, and t has some highlights. Just make them shorter that's all that I ask. 7.5/10

Further Reading

Hobbs and Shaw: A solid idea that goes wrong

Re: F9
 

I've yet to see F1...

Re: F9
 

I like the part where OP suggests that a 30-year grudge can be instantly solved by four lines of dialogue.