I used to get bullied by someone when I was teenager
Now that I try to confront him his wife tries to handle the situation for him. She tells me that he is too busy being a father and doesn't have time to address the situation with me and should get lost. I have been reluctant to address the situation for over 20 years but now I feel like I cant look away from it. Am I being irrational or is this seem like something that should be looked in to.
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Sounds like a lot more info is needed before any useful advice can be offered - what was the level of bullying, when & how often did it occur, was it so traumatizing that it cannot be forgotten or forgiven, is it still going on in some respect today, how is it you are still in contact with this person? (etc.)
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Originally Posted by Ash TheStrangeOne (Post 2347592)
Now that I try to confront him his wife tries to handle the situation for him. She tells me that he is too busy being a father and doesn't have time to address the situation with me and should get lost. I have been reluctant to address the situation for over 20 years but now I feel like I cant look away from it. Am I being irrational or is this seem like something that should be looked in to.
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Re: I used to get bullied by someone when I was teenager
When I was a kid, I had the same. I lived in another country from my birth, and because of my heritage, I was targeted.
10 years I suffered at the hands of a bully. Basically my entire childhood. What made it worse, is he was 2 years older than me. He bullied me every day, and even kicked me so hard in the leg, he broke it... because I was simply walking past him in the corridor going to my next class. I left school at 15 and moved country back to my home country. I found out when I was around 26 or so, that the guy had committed suicide when I was 19, so he was only 21. I then found out he had demons of his own stemming from one of his family members, if you know what I mean. I had carried that pain with me for 11 years. From age 15 when I left, to age 26 when I found out he'd been gone for almost 7 years at that time. --- Now this next part will sound nasty, but bear with me. My instant thought was "I won". --- But then I felt bad. Not for my horrible thoughts, but for him and his family. He had demons of his own, and the decent members of his family must miss him dearly. I then had a banging headache for an hour, and an outpouring of emotion. Once I'd settled myself, I sat and thought about it. And I forgave him. For what it was worth, after all the years I held onto the pain he caused me, I forgave him, and I cursed his demons for both myself and him. Afterward, and since then, I have felt better about my childhood. I'm 40 now. My advice is: Let go of it, buddy. The memories may come back from time to time, but the pain will be easier to deal with, if you can just forgive. Kids are stupid, and some have demons that make them even worse. Move on, forgive him, curse the guy's demons, so they don't eat you away as well. |
Originally Posted by The Rodent (Post 2349186)
When I was a kid, I had the same. I lived in another country from my birth, and because of my heritage, I was targeted.
10 years I suffered at the hands of a bully. Basically my entire childhood. What made it worse, is he was 2 years older than me. |
Originally Posted by Stirchley (Post 2349612)
So it was a British man who bullied you? That’s horrible. :eek:
Bullied because I'm English. If they knew I had non-Caucasian relatives and ancestors though, it would have been worse than it was. |
Originally Posted by The Rodent (Post 2349614)
Scottish kid.
Bullied because I'm English. If they knew I had non-Caucasian relatives and ancestors though, it would have been worse than it was. |
Originally Posted by Ash TheStrangeOne (Post 2347592)
Now that I try to confront him his wife tries to handle the situation for him. She tells me that he is too busy being a father and doesn't have time to address the situation with me and should get lost. I have been reluctant to address the situation for over 20 years but now I feel like I cant look away from it. Am I being irrational or is this seem like something that should be looked in to.
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Originally Posted by WHITBISSELL! (Post 2349673)
At first I thought you were talking about your dad. That's what posting at a movie related forum does to you. You're always looking for that Shyamalan twist.
But anyway, bullying also messed me up real good. For instance, to this day, I'm still wary of anyone's attempts at being friendly to me. There's always that suspicion that they're being insincere or that they're going to joke to their friends later like, "can you believe I spoke to that guy?" |
In my work I see bullying at times (among older children), and when deciding how to address it, I think it's important to be really clear about your own goals.
Is your goal to let this person know that they hurt you and the effects of that hurt? If so, you could simply write a letter and send it. Is your goal to get an apology for this person's behavior? Honestly, you can't control anyone's actions but your own. You can ask for an apology, but in a weird way that gives power to the other person to either give or withhold it. Making resolution dependent on someone else is a bit tricky. One path to take is to figure out if there is a way that you can have closure on the emotions caused by the bullying that doesn't require the attention or cooperation of the bully himself. Fixating on him as the path to resolution gives him power. Alternatives could include volunteering or donating to an organization that helps reduce bullying or supports victims of bullying; working with a trusted friend/family member/therapist to identify unwanted thoughts or behaviors that resulted from the bullying and making a plan to reduce their impact on you; writing a letter to your teenage self saying what you wish someone had said to you; etc. (I'm not sure of your employment status or where you live, but in many places and with several different insurance companies, it is possible to get up to 3 free sessions with a counselor/therapist who could help with this process). I'm sorry that this situation has weighed so heavily on you. Bullying is terrible and can linger in so many unwanted ways even decades after it is over. |
Paint the Fence..
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Originally Posted by Torgo (Post 2349689)
If you order a Scotch with a Shyamalan twist, you probably shouldn't finish it.
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Originally Posted by Takoma11 (Post 2349711)
In my work I see bullying at times (among older children), and when deciding how to address it, I think it's important to be really clear about your own goals.
Is your goal to let this person know that they hurt you and the effects of that hurt? If so, you could simply write a letter and send it. Is your goal to get an apology for this person's behavior? Honestly, you can't control anyone's actions but your own. You can ask for an apology, but in a weird way that gives power to the other person to either give or withhold it. Making resolution dependent on someone else is a bit tricky. One path to take is to figure out if there is a way that you can have closure on the emotions caused by the bullying that doesn't require the attention or cooperation of the bully himself. Fixating on him as the path to resolution gives him power. Alternatives could include volunteering or donating to an organization that helps reduce bullying or supports victims of bullying; working with a trusted friend/family member/therapist to identify unwanted thoughts or behaviors that resulted from the bullying and making a plan to reduce their impact on you; writing a letter to your teenage self saying what you wish someone had said to you; etc. (I'm not sure of your employment status or where you live, but in many places and with several different insurance companies, it is possible to get up to 3 free sessions with a counselor/therapist who could help with this process). I'm sorry that this situation has weighed so heavily on you. Bullying is terrible and can linger in so many unwanted ways even decades after it is over. I guess I'll also just kind of put my thumb on the scale for trying to move past it, if plausible. Bad things happen when we put our well-being in the hands of anyone we don't trust and love. Outsourcing your self-esteem all but guarantees it will be constantly injured. I think emotional self-sufficiency, and an independent sense of one's self that can't be easily touched by the people we interact with day to day, is really important for peace of mind, and severely under cultivated. |
Originally Posted by WHITBISSELL! (Post 2349726)
Probably because it's vodka. Or the bartender's dead. And he's Hitler.
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Originally Posted by Yoda (Post 2349764)
This is pretty much all the stuff I was going to say so I'll just quote it.
I guess I'll also just kind of put my thumb on the scale for trying to move past it, if plausible. But however you can let that go, you're no longer letting that person and their actions have a say in your thoughts and feelings. |
Re: I used to get bullied by someone when I was teenager
Yeah, my "if plausible" is eliding some stuff that would normally take a few hundred words to expound on, but hopefully it's clear to the OP roughly what that means and what's workable for them, personally.
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Originally Posted by Yoda (Post 2349770)
Yeah, my "if plausible" is eliding some stuff that would normally take a few hundred words to expound on, but hopefully it's clear to the OP roughly what that means and what's workable for them, personally.
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Still, there's something to be said for... revenge.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vwHLMs04XA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jYXV6-0Pjo (just kidding) |
Re: I used to get bullied by someone when I was teenager
Wow, thanks guys. I guess I should give a little more backstory on this as I was kind of in a mood when posted. I went out for a personal day lunch a few weeks back and happened to run into a old schoolmate of mine. I had seen him a couple of times since graduation but hadn't really spoken to him in nearly 10 years. Had a nice time chatting and catching up and mentioned the individual this thread was about and he mentioned he seen him every now and then at the grocery store, they used to be a little closer in school at first until my classmate I ran into a few weeks ago went to a trade school. Of course memories started to come back and some really bad ones started to resurface. I shared some great times with this guy up until he got married and started a family. I hadn't really kept in touch the past few years but I knew for the most part he was doing good raising his family. There were some aspects of this guys personality that I know now had to do with a strained relationship with his father made him difficult to deal with. There were times when it seemed he took pleasure in light of making me feel inferior. I guess I kept this with me this long even though I gravitated to the positive times we shared. I feel like this age of apologies made me think that it would nice to have one from this person, nothing too extravagant just a acknowledgement that he may have overstepped some boundaries in the past. All that happening seems like fools gold but I much appreciate your feedback and advice.
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Re: I used to get bullied by someone when I was teenager
Just my opinion, but I think it's rare for people who were bullies in the past to ever apologize.
I was bullied mercilessly, yet of the few tormentors I've re-encountered as an adult - they seem to remember our relationship as one of either casual acquaintance or of friendship - but I've never had one acknowledge the living hell they made of my life. (The one thing I've gotten back from them is how they remembered they always "liked" me because I was a really nice guy!) Even if I remind them of what transpired, they either say they have no memory, or claim I must be wrong because they were "never like that" because they were picked on themselves, or write it off as "we were kids... kids mess around with each other." In their memory, they are probably the hero of their own narrative (or see themselves as a victim who was only standing up for themselves - which took the form of humiliation or violence against others) whether this perspective is accurate or not - and the more it's not, the more likely they are to remember it wrongly (even if as a psychological defense mechanism - no one wants to acknowledge themselves as the villain). Unless they've had a major epiphany and done some real internal work on themselves, it's unlikely that a former bully would apologize. |
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