My father died last night
 

Actually it was probably more like Tuesday night-time. He was on holiday in New York, and fell somewhere in his hotel room. He suffered quite a serious blow to the head when it happened, and although he was taken to hospital fairly quickly he discharged himself early and went back to his room.

He was found dead that night.

Yesterday at around 4:30 am I was in bed when I heard rather impatient knocking on my front door and ringing of the door bell, to find 2 policemen at the front door. They told me they wanted to speak to my mum, I told them she was away (she's staying with my aunt in her home in Liverpool who's sick, could be a terminal illness), they asked my age (I'm 19), and I offered to give them my aunt's home number to get in touch with her, whatever it was about.

I went back to bed, but was woken again at around half 9 in the morning with another policeman at the door this time (his name was Colin, as he would later tell me). He was very calm, asked if he could come in, and we sat down in the living room. He also asked how old I was, and after I told him he said to me "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this but your father passed away last night in America". He told me that the station had been unable to get in contact with my mother at my aunt's address and so according to procedure their next step would've been to contact me (being old enough and the closest for them to contact).

To be honest, the way my dad lead his life I'd been waiting for news like this for months (more on this later). When they called during the early hours I knew, even though they didn't tell me.

Anyway, after telling me the details he had of how it happened, he then offered to collect my sister from school for me. He went to collect her and, after a few minutes of silence I suddenly thought that I should have gone with him to get her, or gone down myself. Then I realised that he would've known how to handle a situation like this, and I being there may have made things worse for my sister.

Instead, I decided to phone my mum because she had to be informed (I also started to think that myabe I'd written the number of my aunt's house wrong when the police were here in the early hours.

So I rang her and asked if she'd been phoned by the police. She hadn't, so after finding the words I told her that he'd been in holiday in America (we didn't know he'd gone), and that he had died in his hotel room. After getting over the initial shock she asked how it happened, and after telling her she said that she'd be coming home straight away as soon as she'd let people know (my aunt who she was staying with, her mother who'd gone up with her, my older sister who was in university in Liverpool, my dad's sisters, and one of my mums friends who's a close friend of the family).

After what felt like hours the policeman arrived back home with my sister, and after running to the door to see her I could see that, although not at the moment, she'd clearly been crying (she had red puffy eyes). They both came in, Colin (the policeman) made sure we were both ok, and let himself out.

I gave my sister a hug and we were left alone for a few minutes, asking each other if we were both ok and everything else, and then the door rang again. It was my mum's friend, who must've rushed up as soon as she got the message of what happened.

We talked for a while, about what happened, how we felt and how we'd both been told. My sister was in the music room when the headmaster came to the door asking her to go with him. He carried her school bag and chatted with her on the way to his office, where she saw the policeman and, after taking a seat, she was told the news.

Now, I feel I need to explain a few things about my dad, so you can get the full picture.

Him and my mum had been separated for about 2 years, going through a divorce, which very recently had been completed. The reasons for the breakdown of the marriage were more or less entirely his fault. He was an alcoholic, and had been getting drunk regularly for about 3-4 years while he was living with us. In fact, I've often suspected that after me and my sisters had been told about it (he'd been drinking a lot when we were very young as well, but we weren't really old enough to remember it), that he used the fact that we knew as an excuse to get away with it, as if us not being shocked by his behavious anymore somehow made it ok.

Anyway, about 2 years ago my mum had had enough and they both agreed that the marriage was over and that he should move out. He moved to a house about 2 towns away (about 20-25 minutes away by car) and, unfortunately, his behaviour didn't improve. He started phoning us several times a day, clearly drunk, which went on for months (one time he phoned non-stop for 30 minutes at 4 o'clock in the morning, on a day when I had an A-Level History exam), which effectively made us almost weary of answering the phone anymore as he would take absolutely ages to get to whatever point it was that he was making (more often than not there was none), and usually broke down crying before hanging up.

On the very few times that me and my sisters could bare to go and visit him we'd be welcome by a filthy house with him usually asleep on the couch on top of a pile of dirty washing, and drunk too many times (even though we always phoned him a few days in advance to give him enough time to prepare himself).

I hope you can understand therefore, that we didn't see him very often during those 2 years. In fact we even went to his house on boxing day 2005, and not only had he not prepared anything (he said he'd have a meal or something for us all to have together) but he'd clearly had drink or two (his excuse for the obvious smell of gin on his breath was Egyptian aftershave :rolleyes: ).

Sometimes it could be as much as 6 months between visits, it was just too painful to go and see him any more often than that. In fact the night of that boxing day I cried (and proper crying, not just the lump you might get in your throat when you see or hear something really sad) for the first time since my grandfathers funeral 5 years earlier, not only because of his behaviour but also the thought that this was what his life was like, booze, drugs, self pity and loneliness, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't help him, it was something he had to do for himself.

Clearly it's now apparent that he never managed to do so.


The reason I say this is because, as sad as this situation should be, I haven't shed a single tear, or felt any particular feelings of sadness or grief. In fact yesterday afternoon one of my friends and 2 of my sisters friends came over and we had a laugh about, well, normal things (at one point my friend was looking for videos of fat animals on youtube).
Anyway, my point is that I feel that this isn't a normal way to deal with this. I mean, it's probably down to the minimal contact I've had with him these past 2 years, but I still can't help but feel that I should at least be feeling something a little more than the occasional pang of guilt for not going to see him more often, or not saying certain things to him at, well, any point in my life (I imagine the latter is a normal thing to feel), and I suppose I just wanted you guys to understand that and not judge me too harshly for it.

The reason I'm sharing this with you is because, my friend aside, I haven't really had a chance to get this off my chest. My mum, bless her, is just so busy phoning people and trying organise things, that she just doesn't really have the time, and my older sister doesn't really let me get a word in when we talk (it's always been like that with her). My little sister is uncharacteristically quiet (understandably), so I don't fell like I can talk about it with her. Also, I suppose, being her older brother, I feel like I'm supposed to stay strong for her and look after her, so I don't really feel comfortable telling her these things.

I shared some of my feelings with my mums friend yesterday, who just let me talk without interrupting, so I'm grateful for that, but I hadn't really had much time to think about it properly at the time so most of these thoughts have only arisen during the course of today, in the few moments of quiet I could get.

Anyway, we're all doing ok at the moment. While my mum's been phoning the numbers given to her by the police (The British Consulate, so we can bring his body or his ashes back to the UK from the US) me and one of my aunts have been frantically looking up numbers of his old friends to tell them what's happened. We found one who's in contact with a lot of the others, so hopefully he can be a big help to us.

Who knows, maybe I'll get hit by a wave of emotion at the funeral, or maybe this is just the way I deal with death, I don't know. I just hope you guys understand how I feel.

Re: My father died last night
 

Commiserations man, hope getting it all out on here has helped.

Re: My father died last night
 

Sorry to hear this. This 'may' be exactly what happens. With me, although I was only 8, I never cried, except for that day. Honestly, a part of me didn't want to. As in I wouldn't allow myself to. I'm not trying to say that that is what you are doing. I'm just tossing out the idea. Anyways, to me, this sounds quite normal.
I wish you and your's all the best.

Re: My father died last night
 

I am so sorry.
Don't be hard on yourself for anything you do or do not feel. For very good reasons you have probably had to disconnect your feeling from your father for some time now. It is all normal and very understandable.

It may hit you later, but then you may have been dealing with these feelings so long that you have already been in the grieving process so long you just never realized it.

Again, I am sorry. I have been there so it all seems not only normal but familiar.

Re: My father died last night
 

Sorry to hear about your father, Ash. I hope everything will become okay with your family.

Re: My father died last night
 

this is very sad news but thank you for sharing, my heart goes out to you're family

Re: My father died last night
 

I thank you for sharing all that and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Re: My father died last night
 

I'm so sorry too... I know there's not much one can say at these times, but my prayers are with you too.

Re: My father died last night
 

My condolences to you and your family for your loss.

Re: My father died last night
 

Ash, I'm sorry for your loss. Even though you were apprehensive of something happening to him, it had to have been a shock at the same time. That will take some time to get through before you can experience any of the other 'usual' emotions. Godoggo's post above is right on.

Re: My father died last night
 

Thanks for sharing this with us, Ash. I'm sorry. Don't worry about not feeling "enough". Judging by your story, which was very well written, it's perfectly understandable that you feel the way you do. I think when you cried that Boxing Day, maybe you did the crying that you're expected to do now. Maybe you realized then that your dad was gone from your life and that he wasn't coming back.

I actually have a couple of good friends whose dads were acloholics who died at an early age. And they didn't live with their family either. I think you seem to react in a very similar way as they, my friends, were reacting.

Anyway, once again I'm sorry for your loss.

Re: My father died last night
 

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family Ash. Thanks for reaching out and sharing this with us. I hope writing all of this down has help some. And never feel bad about the way you feel. I think both Godoggo and Piddz have the right ideas. I know it will be hectic for your mom these next few days, but I'm sure when all of the craziness settles down, she would love to listen to you and share her feelings as well.

Again, my condolences to you and your family.

Re: My father died last night
 

Sorry to hear that, Ash. I hope you got everything off your chest. Don't feel like you're supposed to show or even feel any emotion, because everybody will handle these situations differently.

Hope you're doing OK.

Re: My father died last night
 

ash, i'm very sorry for the loss and wanted to say as a child of troubled (generally abusive) parent, that I can understand the distancing aspect.

however, you obviously had a bond and loved your father, and there is no need to analyze how you feel right now. what you feel will overtake you when it's time, ready or not. there is no right or wrong way to feel.

death is a part of life, and we all have different ways of dealing with it. i've found that people who've experienced emotional trauma growing up tend to "weather" later traumas more stoutly than those who never have. your soul is older from what went on within your family and with your father, and you are looking at/experiencing his death from those eyes.

you may also be in shock. particularly with him not being around and having had to separate yourself from his negative spiral, it has been a long time since you have known or seen him as "normal." you weren't present at the incident. the next time you encounter him will be at the funeral, and that WILL hit you. whether you cry or not is another issue, but it doesn't become real, no matter how many phone calls your mother makes or how many tears people cry, until you're standing there dressed in black, eulogies are being said, and it's physically in front of you with witnesses and proof.

my grandmother, who i am very close to, died a few years ago. i felt "wrong" for not making a dramatic show of my experience of loss like the rest of my family (black southerners, i'm talking extreme bouts of yelling, fainting, moaning, and people throwing themselves prostrate). i hadn't seen my grandmother in a few years, and that was my fault.

a part of me felt blessed to have known my grandmother when i did, to have had what bond i had with her, to have been close to her at some point, to have had her in my life. a part of me felt cheated, as we all do when we lose someone. but i felt more happy for her to have moved on as life deemed, and knew she wasn't sad if she was still "existing." i knew it was meant to be, and wasn't going to suffer or rail against it, i was happy if she was happy, and knew she was.

even with the sadness at knowing i could no longer physically count on her presence, i knew she was all around me. i felt happy, knowing that she was going on as she should. despite all that happiness, i was completely overtaken by emotion in public, which is something i do not ever allow. it took me and i couldn't believe it, and eventually it was over, and i was done. after that, i never shed another tear and was totally at peace with it.

the situations are different, but again, you lost a loved one, even if they'd gone down a path. take your time to heal,to think about other things if the distraction helps.

in needing to talk, if you need it, share it, but also know that a lot can be said without words. if your younger sister in particular is deeply hurting, you don't have to say a word. all you have to do is hold her, kiss her head, and be there for each other, and that alone is powerful.

each of you has the right to express the loss in your own way, or not at all if you choose to. there is nothing wrong in whatever way you experience it, because all of us are human, different in unique. in every death is something unique, and every person will experience it in a unique way.

i wish you peace and resolution. it may not come soon, but one day you'll think on it and it'll be there. bit by bit the thoughts will come to you about your relationship with your father, and bit by bit you'll realize where you stand, inside, about him, and about his death, and about how things ended between you.

this is one of the realities of life that led to the phrase "time heals everything." it honestly does. take care, and i'm sending you strength, clarity, and peace.

Re: My father died last night
 

Thankyou to everyone who replied and sent me PM's, it means a lot. Don't worry about me or my family, we'll be ok in time. Things were being made complicated by the complete incompetence of the international funeral directors (expecting us to fill in a bloody death certificate ourselves :rolleyes: ), but after 10 minutes of my mum screaming down the phone at them (and believe me, that really is a last resort) we finally got the message through that we're not to be messed around with.

Thankfully his body is being brought back to the UK, which is much better than him being cremated overseas just to make things easier for everyone else. I don't mean to be selfish but, despite the difficult relationship me and him have had these past few years, I feel like he needs a dignified send off. Also I feel that it would maybe allow me to come to terms with it properly if I see his coffin at the funeral.

He'll be cremated anyway I mean, but it just feels right that it's done this way.

There's a lot of other stuff that I won't bore you with, so I'll just say thankyou again, I mean it, it really helped me to get all that out of my system and for you guys to be so understanding about it.

Thankyou.

Re: My father died last night
 

You know, I've actually thought of something quite funny about all this. The day before my father died in a hotel room in New York, I went to the cinema with a friend to see 1408; the film about a guy who goes insane inside a hotel room. In New York.

It's probably just my own dry sense of humor, but I know my dad would have found that funny as well. That's the way he'd have wanted to be remembered.

Re: My father died last night
 

I don't know what to say, except I am truly sorry for your loss. May you have the courage and fortitude to whether the storm of emotions you are now surely in the midst of....

Re: My father died last night
 

Do we have to have a strong emotional connection to our parents simply because they brought us into this world? Some of them are worthless human beings and deserve no pity or tears.

Re: My father died last night
 

I'm glad you all are getting things worked out. :)

Re: My father died last night
 

Ash, I don't think there is anything I can say that hasn't already been said…. so I will just add my condolences to the others.... Síochán leat...




Adidasss…. I don't think we have to have a connection…. and you are correct about some people…. but I think maybe those thoughts are for another thread….