Some Random Jokes
 

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!" :eek::eek::eek:

Re: Benefits of Being an Atheist - Joke
 

I see. Okay. Thanks.

Re: Benefits of Being an Atheist - Joke
 

Gave me a chuckle.

"Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

How To Take Leave From Office - Joke
 

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. John, my co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker, John followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"

John replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!" :eek::eek:

Re: Benefits of Being an Atheist - Joke
 

one day a man who belived a lot in god and prayed daily was told that his town was to be evacuated due to floods .he refused to go with the people who came to take him saying that god will protect him.

as the water level rose the people came in a boat to take him. but he refused to go citing the same reason.

as the water level rose a helicopter came to take him but he refused for same reasons.

soon he drowned.in heaven he asked god why god had not saved him.

god said,''first i sent your friends to save you. then a boat . then a helicopter. if you are not going to take the chances i give you in life, how can you be saved?''

Re: How To Take Leave From Office - Joke
 

2/10

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

A True Love Story! - Joke

This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "Can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Drugs For Husbands! - Joke

New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...

ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...

SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...

SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...

WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...

SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...

FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by...

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Patient's Dilemma!

A woman called up the hospital and said,

"I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"

The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

All in the Name!

A guy walk into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!"

So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house."

So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.

Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"

And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't' have a dad."

So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"

So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, 'My name's not Bill.' :suspicious:

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Here is a simple easy to remember one.


What do you call a mushroom who walks into a bar and orders everyone a drink?

A Fungi.

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
 

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.'
'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'

Will and Guy's 10 Funny Warning Labels Found on Food Packaging
 

Cautionary notices on packaging is good source of humour, here are ten of our best examples.

1. Suitable for outdoor use. Found on a rain gauge.
2. For use by trained personnel only. On a can of air freshener.
3. Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. On a box of rat poison.
4. Warning: High in sodium. On a salt cellar.
5. Remove the plastic wrapper. The instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn.
6. Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone. On a box of pills.
7. Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
8. Use like regular soap. On a bar of soap.
9. This product is not to be used in bathrooms. On a bathroom heater.
10. Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants. On a bag of cat biscuits.

Valentine's Day for a Woman
 

A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
 

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

The Vase
 

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Re: TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
 

There we go. How about we make one thread about jokes, instead of a thread for every joke you know and want to post!?! That is too much clutter!

This isn't a cautionary notice and it isn't funny.

Not all medications have the same dosage. So yes, absolutely a "box of pills" is going to contain instructions informing the patient how many pills to take and how frequently to take them.

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Funny Husband & Lawyer Joke
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," replies the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," replies the defendant.

"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"

"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Secret of Happy Married Life Joke

John asked Billy, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Billy said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

John asked, "Can you explain?"

Billy said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions."

Still not convinced, John asked him, "Give me some examples"

Billy said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

John asked, "Then what is your role?"

Billy said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Syria, whether the European Union should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these."

What kind of bees make milk?

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

After lunching at the Algonquin Hotel, Robert Benchley walked through the lobby, out the front door, and said to the uniformed man on the sidewalk, "My good man, would you please get me a taxi?"

The man immediately took offense and replied indignantly, "I'm not a doorman! I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."

Robert Benchley instantly quipped: "All right then, get me a battleship."

Romantic Evening!!!

Two Women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale! ;)

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening ?

Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!! :rolleyes:

Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.

Secret of Long Life!

The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"

The little boy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business!" :eek:

The Goat and The Horse

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.

One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!! :eek:

Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal. :mad:

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

A man walks in to a confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I've committed murder."

The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

A women walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

The priest asks her, "What did you do?"

"I robbed six banks."

The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

Another man walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I peed in the holy cup."

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Two friends met after a long time...

Hey, I got married!

Oh! Thats good!

No, that's bad. She's ugly!

Oh! That's Bad!

No, that's Good. She's rich!

Oh! That's good!

No, that's bad ! She won't give me a cent...

Oh! That's bad!

No, that's Good! She bought me a big house!

Oh! That's good.

No, that's bad! The house burnt down!

Oh! That's bad!

No, that's good! She was inside...!

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

One Fine Day!

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Rhyming Couplet

A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the best enteries:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
everything you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of tequila, one part lime !

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

What is Vicious Circle?

The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself."

The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun."

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."

The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."

The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."

The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."

Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The grandpa calls secretary....

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Different Wavelengths

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

The Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

You are ABCDEF...

After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Rules for Men!

The untold rules for Men:
1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Where's the Ladies Room?

It was very crowded and noisy in this Restaurant and this blonde girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.

And he says, "I can't hear you!"

So she gets close to his ear and asks again, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?"

And he replies, "On the other side!"

So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!"

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Boys-Out Trip!

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!"

Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!!

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Date with Destiny!

One day death came to a Guy and said, "Hey, today is your last day."

Guy, "But I'm not ready!"

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy, "Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?"

Death, "All right."

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!

When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list."

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

A Little Late!

For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 AM on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 AM passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."

And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

I acted with Katharine Hepburn

Hollywood actor Christopher Reeve made a reply one night to host James Lipton on the Bravo TV program "Inside the Actor's Studio".

When Reeve was asked what it was liked to have acted with Katharine Hepburn, he delighted the audience with his reply:

"People say I acted with Katharine Hepburn.
The truth is I acted near Katharine Hepburn."

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position. He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.

Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM....... ROBIN HOOD!!!

The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!

He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!

The crowd cheers!!!

Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!! It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!

Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!

Ex-Wife!!!

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't! "

Scared Swimmer!

While fishing off the Australia coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any crocs around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the crocs?"

"We didn't do nothing," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

What a Massage!

"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer.

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Sexy Celebrity liked an Asian movie.

all posts in this thread must be followed by a http://www.nohomers.net/images/smilies/leno.gif

but i like Jay Leno more than this thread.

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a recent college graduate trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

A blonde asked a farmer, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, cattle can do a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep them trimmed down. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow doesn't have horns is because it's a horse." :D

Women Hunters

Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting.

She comes back with 2 rabbits.

The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?"

She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped."

Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer.

The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?"

She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped."

The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue.

They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?"

She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop!! :rolleyes:

Eye Check Up

A Russian, visiting India, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy..., he's my cousin. :D

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice...

"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know its the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart etc. etc...."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Funny WhatsApp Status

1. Someone on his status "Sleeping" since 3 Days! He's Probably dead.

2. Someone is "Driving" since 5 days! I guess he reached Dubai!!!

3. Someone's status is "Happy" since 1 Month. Living in Paradise???

4. Someone is always 'Available'. How free Are you?????

5. From first day their status is, 'Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp' I Know ! That's why you're on my list!

6. Someone writes "urgent calls only". Don't get it... Are you in the police or ambulance service?

7. Someone says, "Can't talk. Whatsapp only". Dude then throw away your phone.. You are not using the phone's Primary function.

8. Someone is 'at d movies' for the past 6 weeks. Either he owns d theatre or sells popcorn there....

"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

Knock Knock
Who is there?
Emerson
Emerson who?
Emerson nice titties.

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

I just seen this on a computer board and thought it was funny.

A rabbit, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, “So, what'll ya have?”
“Oh, nothing for me,” replies the rabbit. “I'm only here because of autocorrect.
:D

:lol: I've had this picture on my cell phone for a couple of years:

I guess great minds think alike. :D

that picture made me laugh lol

Re: Some Random Jokes
 

A man who won the lottery goes to an interview on some local television and the journalist asks him some random questions.
Journalist : how old are you ?
Man : 54.
Journalist: since when do you play at the lottery ?
Man: more than 20 years by now.
Journalist: have you ever won before?
Man: No, never. This would be the first time.
Journalist: are you employed ?
Man: yes I am employed.
Journalist: Where are you working ?
Man: I work at the local factory.
Journalist: are you married ?
Man: but what does it matter ?
Journalist: just asking to see if you have a spouse.
Man: yes I am married.
Journalist: to a man ?
A man from the audience screaming : how can he be married to a man ? :) Have you ever heard someone to be married with man ?
Man : yes I've heard someone to be married with a man.
Journalist: who is that person ?
Man: my sister :)
:D:D:D

Ha! Good one.


A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."