A Script Im Writing

[Uncle Rico]

Im writing a script and heres the storyline

A man named Jared wells basically hates the world. everytime he sees something bad happen even if its not that bad he vomits. One day while walking to go get coffee he witnesses a man being killed. While Drinking his coffee he sees a man get beaten by a few kids on the street. Overwelmed he runs home and locks himself in his basement for a few months. His girlfriend Scarlett who lives with him gets worried and tries to bring him outside but her attempts fail. While Jared is locking himself in his basement hes secretley working on a pill that if takien while transport him to a world where it is perfect and nothing bad happens. One day he comes out of His basement and tests the pill. Everytime he tries it a different result comes through but not the one he wanted. Instead of things getting better they only keep getting worse with brief moments of happiness. On his so called last attempt he goes into a fogey world where he finds a trail of blood leading to his upstairs bedroom. Inside the bedroom is Scarlett on the bed dead. Out of Desperation, he takes one more pill in which he is transported to a world in which he is holding Scarletts hand at gunpoint. He gives hear a look and smiles and then the gun clicks and the movie ends.

What does everyone think?

[MovieMaker5087]

It isn't copyrighted people, take advantage of this opprutunity while you can!!!

But seriously... all's I can say is this:

Rod Serling would be proud.

Cuz that's basically what this is reminding me of- a Twilight Zone episode. And I love the Twilight Zone. This one's a keeper IMO.

[Uncle Rico]

OH and the little meaning is that since he died he accomplished his goal of making everything better. going to heaven. Hence the Title "HIs Heaven"

[Yoda]

I'm assuming you want honest feedback, rather than just feel-good, half-genuine compliments, so I have to say that I think it's pretty bad.

[LordSlaytan]

MovieMaker is a good friend to you. Make sure to buy him a Valentines gift. ;)

[Uncle Rico]

The movie is supposed to be one of those artsy films and thank you for being honest yoda

[nebbit]

A bit boring, not interested in seeing people vomiting and locking themselves up, sorry, but then what do I know. :(

[D'yer Mak'er]

How old are you?
(serious question)

[Uncle Rico]

14

[OG-]

Surprisingly, I don't hate it, but in the scope of things it really doesn't have anything to it and it'd require a pretty big leap of faith on the part of the viewer to actually buy all the stuff that is going...

[Uncle Rico]

Well heres the thing The major chunk of the Story is him going into these different worlds and learning different things. One of them is That he appears in this School Gym with no one in it and Theres a guy sitting in the middle of it in a long overcoat and a top hat and hes playing the Song its the end of the world as we know it on his radio and hes sitting their smoking a ciggarette and he says that he misewell sit and wait...I know a bit confusing but try to disect it.

[nebbit]

If you are only 14 then it is a good start. :D

[Uncle Rico]

Dont worry im not Depresed or anything

[Lance McCool]

I really don't think it's a horrible idea, I just think the way you explained it was a little garbled and confusing. I'm pretty sure I understand what you're going for, though...

[MovieMaker5087]

I still think that in a way this film reminds me of Donnie Darko. I don't know, that's just me.

[Henry The Kid]

I still think that in a way this film reminds me of Donnie Darko. I don't know, that's just me.

They do both have characters in them.

[MovieMaker5087]

They do both have characters in them.

No *****?! You serious? When did all this come about?

[Ash_Lee]

No *****?! You serious? When did all this come about?
It's a shock for us all.

[SamsoniteDelilah]

Sounds similar to a couple of things to me; Pi and The Yellow Wallpaper. I think you should watch both those, and figure out what you're saying that is different from those. It's not a bad idea, just needs to be fresh.

[Uncle Rico]

Ive never seen The Yellow Wallpaper but I have seen Pi. I didnt base it off anything in PI I just want the atmosphere (not the Story) to be similar to eternal sunshine

[MovieMaker5087]

I hope they sue you like no tomorrow.

[Nitzer]

butterfly effect anyone?

[LordSlaytan]

Honestly, dude. I think the deeper you get into the semantics of your idea, the less probable that you’ll ever get it to work.

How on Earth can a pill be made to take you somewhere perfect? Think about all the teleportation, time travel, and phase shifting books and movies made out there. The good ones, at least, are able to make a concept somewhat believable, even though outside of quantum physicists, no one believes that any of these things will ever be possible.

If you want him to find a way to go somewhere other than Earth…you’re going to have to better than that.

But don’t let any of us stop you from writing your story. Even if it comes out as utter crap, you still wrote a script. Not many people on this forum can say that they have ever done that. At the very least, you’ll learn more than you know now what works and what doesn’t. If it takes you fifty crappy scripts to come up with your big break, then none of them were worthless attempts.

One question, though. The thread says that you’re writing it…is this all the writing you’ve actually done so far? Just bouncing it off our noggins? Or do you have a working draft?

Good luck with whatever you do. I wish I had that kind of dream in my head when I was 14 years of age. :)




butterfly effect anyone?The only things I see in common between both ideas are the lack of anything scientific or even remotely explainable when it comes to how the ‘phasing’ is accomplished. The Butterfly Effect was an incredibly weak story full of plot holes and contradictions. But it still grossed a buttload of cash. Go Hollywood and the blind worship of the beautiful!

America rocks!

[Uncle Rico]

.

One question, though. The thread says that you’re writing it…is this all the writing you’ve actually done so far? Just bouncing it off our noggins? Or do you have a working draft?

America rocks!

Im on page 28 in the script currently. He has Locked himself in his basement and a Doctor has visited. Its all in my mind as I write it so im coming up with new things every day so there may be a few drafts before I get it right.

Now about the thing with it not being possible. Of course it isnt The story could be seen as one mans ambition to change things that was so powerful that he did. Or I could switch it around a bit by saying somehow that he didnt change it for everyone just him in his state of mind. What do you guys think.

[MovieMaker5087]

Not many people on this forum can say that they have ever done that.

I've done it. HOO-HAH!

[LordSlaytan]

I've done it. HOO-HAH!Me too. HOO-CARES! :indifferent:

[MovieMaker5087]

HOO-CARES! :indifferent:

HOO-ME!!! :D ;) :)

[Uncle Rico]

Hoopty Damn Doo!!!

[MovieMaker5087]

Hoopty Damn Doo!!!

Settle down.

[Uncle Rico]

so ya

[MovieMaker5087]

so ya

Settle down! No need for that kind of language.

And to answer your question, don't make it the state of mind thingy. Make it the other way, Moped Mike. (Inside joke)

[The Taxi Driver]

i wish i had the ambition to write a screenplay but i just cant take that much time to write something even though i would like to be able to say i wrote one. like someone said on the previous page who cares if it turns out as crap as least you are getting good practice.

[Uncle Rico]

What Im gonna do (if it turns out good) is make it into a little movie with my friends and then try to sell it to someone higher up but so far im liking it.

[Holden Pike]

What Im gonna do (if it turns out good) is make it into a little movie with my friends and then try to sell it to someone higher up but so far im liking it.

I'll expect to see news of your mega-millions deal in Variety soon, and that'll probably be you waltzing to the stage of the Oscars in a year or two.
http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/cwm/3dlil/laff.gif

[SamsoniteDelilah]

What Im gonna do (if it turns out good) is make it into a little movie with my friends and then try to sell it to someone higher up but so far im liking it.

I'll expect to see news of your mega-millions deal in Variety soon, and that'll probably be you waltzing to the stage of the Oscars in a year or two.
http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/cwm/3dlil/laff.gif

Ya never know...
http://www.wordsfromhere.com/images/bottle_rocket.jpg

[SamsoniteDelilah]

...How on Earth can a pill be made to take you somewhere perfect?
Isn't that exactly the premise on which anti-depression medication manufacturers are making huge bank?

[Uncle Rico]

I should at least try becasue I want a career in either Screenwriting, Acting, or Directing.

[Lance McCool]

I should at least try becasue I want a career in either Screenwriting, Acting, or Directing.

Yes, then you should definitely try.

[Mose]

Just ignore Holden... He's our resident jaded old coot ;)

[Uncle Rico]

Ya I found that one out

[MovieMaker5087]

Well, Rico brought the script over and I read it.

[Lance McCool]

Well, Rico brought the script over and I read it.

Why leave everyone in such suspense and not post your opinion on it?! How was it?

[LordSlaytan]

Why not post it?

[Tacitus]

Why not post it?

I've already got it.

Critique - Too many frocks and cuckolds.

[MovieMaker5087]

Why leave everyone in such suspense and not post your opinion on it?! How was it?

First, I must say that I got an actu-laugh out of Tacitus' post. Can you make me one of those?

Anywho, onto the script...

I had my doubts, but Rico's putting all he's got into this script of his, and after reading it, it is as he says:

The script starts off with the main character, Jared, waking up in a horrific dream. I'll stop there, simply because I wish not to give away any more stuff, but this dream later on reflects things down the road. His girlfriend doesn't approve of his life style, which is negativity towards the world we live in. So, one night, Jared makes himself some coffee, puts on some music, and begins pounding away at something... while this is going on, his girlfriend calls up my character, Dr. Leary, to investigate. He comes, but no results are taken. After all is said and done, Jared has made a pill that allows him to view happiness in the world. So he takes a walk down the street, and meets a man with a trenchcoat and smoking a cigarette. Not much is known of him now, but Rico promises that his role "will be an important one". So, after waking up the next morning, Jared walks outside, looking for something bad to happen. Low and behold, a black bird falls out of the sky, dead. Wanting to test the pill, Jared quickly takes it, and everything fades to white...

I can't tell you much more because that's all there is written. I did have two questions, however, judging originallity and something making sense:

[1.]The man that Jared meets while walking one night seemed to me to resemble Frank from Donnie Darko.

[2.]How does one make a pill over a short period of time with no medical education whatsoever?


To answer question one, based on what I saw, well, even though his weirdness and all of walking in the middle of the night and later on being seen at a church may resemble something of Frank's nature, we can't determine yet if he's anything resembling the character. You're better off to wait and see, cuz Rico will just say "He's original, trust me." And whenever he say's trust me, things never turn out the way they should...

And as for question two, well, one of you answer it! Rico, someone, I don't care! Cuz how can one man make a pill with no smarts in the field of medicine? You tell me...

That's basically it as of now. Sometime in the future, I'll tell you a bit more about my movie that I'm doing with Rico as well, entitled:

Him, Them, and That Guy:
A Film Noir

Until next time, MoFo's...

[Uncle Rico]

Ok about the pill Im gonna have him make it kinda of in a "different way". I thought of the explanation but I do not want to give it away becasue it would give the whole movie away.

[Tacitus]

Can you make me one of those?

Is this the kinda thing you want? ;)

[Sinny McGuffins]

OK, here's what I think...

Set the story in the near future, where basically everything has gone to hell. Give Jared a friend who feels the same way as he does, let's just call him Bob for now. Then one day, Bob tells Jared about this "new drug". Bob has tried it, and speaks of it highly. He gives Jared an address for a dealer. Jared goes and buys the drug, takes it and goes home. As Jared is talking to Scarlett, the drug begins to take affect. Jared's state of mind starts changing and the whole world seems different (in a bad or good way, it's up to you). When the drug wears off, Jared wakes up in a hospital or police station or something. He has no idea how he got there. But he doesn't care, all he can think about is this drug. The drug should be addictive, and instead a pill make it an injection by needle. Everytime he takes the drug something different happens, and later on in the movie we see Bob on the streets who has gone crazy. The rest of the film, is basically what you came up with.

Just a thought. :)

[Uncle Rico]

Thats pretty good but I dont want it to be like a drug drug like I want the pill to made in his mind like its not a real thing he just thinks it is so in result everywhere he goes is in his mind and not actually happening. But thats a really good Idea I like it. And um theres this one character that Jared meets in the begining. Hes homeless and hes always smoking a cigarette. In the end jared wakes up in reality and the man whos smoking comes to his house and he is the one who shoots him. Before He shoots him though he says " Your last look at Evil " since he smokes thats the only thing he ever did bad but ya so there it is.

[Uncle Rico]

Sorry if I kinda gave it away there.

[Uncle Rico]

But at least thats How I think Im gonna do it. If anyone has any comments/suggestions please post Id like to hear them.

[MovieMaker5087]

OK, here's what I think...

Set the story in the near future, where basically everything has gone to hell. Give Jared a friend who feels the same way as he does, let's just call him Bob for now. Then one day, Bob tells Jared about this "new drug". Bob has tried it, and speaks of it highly. He gives Jared an address for a dealer. Jared goes and buys the drug, takes it and goes home. As Jared is talking to Scarlett, the drug begins to take affect. Jared's state of mind starts changing and the whole world seems different (in a bad or good way, it's up to you). When the drug wears off, Jared wakes up in a hospital or police station or something. He has no idea how he got there. But he doesn't care, all he can think about is this drug. The drug should be addictive, and instead a pill make it an injection by needle. Everytime he takes the drug something different happens, and later on in the movie we see Bob on the streets who has gone crazy. The rest of the film, is basically what you came up with.

Just a thought. :)

That idea kinda reminds of Requiem for a Dream... just a thought :)

[Henry The Kid]

That idea kinda reminds of Requiem for a Dream... just a thought :)

No. No it doesn't.

[MovieMaker5087]

No. No it doesn't.

To me it did. Did it sound like it to anyone else?

[Garrett]

To me it did. Did it sound like it to anyone else?

Nope.

Well, I suppose there are small similarities. Like drugs.

[Sinny McGuffins]

I've never seen Requiem for a Dream.

[LordSlaytan]

To me it did. Did it sound like it to anyone else?No...other than drugs (one ridiculous and one being heroin) and the name Jared...I see absolutely nothing similar between the two. But I don't smoke as much crack as you.

[MovieMaker5087]

Heh. Guess it's not like it, then. Seemed like it to me. Oh well... we all make mistakes.

[ash_is_the_gal]

wait a second, is this going to be a movie with the same kind of ending as Secret Window where nothing he made, took, or saw was even real? thats so predictable. =\

[Uncle Rico]

No no, everything happens to him just not physically

[Uncle Rico]

like its in his mind

[MovieMaker5087]

No no, everything happens to him just not physically

Isn't that the same as Secret Window?

[Uncle Rico]

How is it anything like Secret Window??

[LordSlaytan]

I've never seen Requiem for a Dream.Oooohhh.....a virgin.

GO SEE IT NOW!!!

[Uncle Rico]

Im just tryin to bring this thread back to hear peoples opinions

[MovieMaker5087]

Im just tryin to bring this thread back to hear peoples opinions

If the thread dies, can't you take a hint?

[Uncle Rico]

Never!!!!!!!!