Van Helsing...may contain spoilers

[scitek]

I guess that my first post got erased for advertising? I would guess that's a rule here, but I didn't think when I posted, so I apologize.

This may contain spoilers...I tell some happenings of the movie, but I don't give away the plot...read at your own risk...

VAN HELSING

Van Helsing could be thought of as the first highly anticipated action blockbuster that officially kicks off the summer movie season. Then again, I could be making all that up. Either one is correct, depending on what your mindset is, and I'll be the first to say that this film really does make an attempt at kicking off the season in the right way. What this film ultimately delivers, however, is really just a big, mixed bag of problems.

The story of Van Helsing is adapted from the Bram Stoker novel "Dracula," and in case you don't know, Van Helsing is the vampire hunter from the book. For you geeks out there, he's pretty much the equivalent to the Belmont clan from "Castlevania." The main difference with Van Helsing, is that his hunting isn't just reserved to Dracula, or even vampires for that matter. He is only described as a 'holy man' that hunts down evil...well, what the Catholic church deems as evil anyway (God himself knows what they could deem evil).

The film opens with a nice introduction to get the viewer in the right frame of mind for what they are about to see. The film is in black-and-white for the first ten or so minutes, and it really does give a nostalgic feel, successfully attempting to bring us back to the old days of monster movies. It's a nice foot to get off on. It's really too bad that the rest of the film begins stumbling right after everything changes to color, which coincides with our first glimpse of Van Helsing. We see Van Helsing fighting a monster that looks so incredibly fake, you will think he is in front of a green screen (nice huh?), and the battle is so monotonous and drawn-out that you will be praying for it to be the climax of the film. Well, it's not. It is just Stephen Sommers' way of showing us that his hero can take out things much larger than himself, but we should have known that after hearing that the title of this movie was the hero's frickin' name.

After dealing with what we later find out is "Mr. Hyde," (of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde fame...) Van Helsing is called upon by the Vatican to go to Transylvania and take down Dracula, to which he happily obliges, after complaining for five minutes. After a few obligatory scenes a la "Men in Black," every James Bond film ever made, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," and even "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," in which we are introduced to the headquarters where the inventions and weapons that take down these 'evils' are made, Van Helsing sets out with his comic-relief buddy and thus the 'real' adventure begins. Unfortunately, the film's problems begin way before the adventure even gets going, and by this point, we are almost already tired of the overused and fake-looking CG.

This film seriously could have used a few more puppets, and a few less wire-frames. The CG is really becoming Stephen Sommers' best friend, and I feel it really takes away some of his credibility. In "The Mummy" he used the technique to aide his characters and emphasize their perils. In "The Mummy Returns," he rushed so much to get the movie to theaters, that the special effects really suffered. With "Van Helsing," Somers' effects people had nearly a full-year to get it right and make up for his last film's mistakes. I don't know what happened, the effects definitely look clearer and more convincing than his last outing, but rather than aide his storyline, they basically take over the movie, and that's not a good thing (ask George Lucas). Aside from the villagers and the lead characters themselves, nearly everything is a computer animated farce. From the backgrounds to the creatures, they are all cursed with that weird "Army toy/too shiny and smooth to be real" look. It's really a let-down. If there is ever a sequel to this flick, which there is a very good chance of, please Mr. Sommers, if you're reading this...USE LESS CG!!! It will help you out, trust me!

As for the rest of the movie, the storyline is as basic as they come, and has been seen a hundred times before. The bad guy needs something the good guy has, and he will stop at nothing to get it. The thing the good guy has ends up being some giant 'key' to something else, and if his plan isn't foiled, the world is in jeopardy. If you go expecting something original, you won't find it here is basically all I'm saying. Aside from all of the old movie monsters (there's the Wolfman, Dracula, and Frankenstein) the only original thing about this movie is how bad some of the dialogue, and overall script-writing is. For example, at one point the heros are trying to figure out how to open this magical door. There is a corner of an inscription, written in Latin, missing along the wall, and Van Helsing happens to have the missing corner of the mural, scroll, whatever it is... Upon reading the complete inscription, which keeping in mind IS IN LATIN, the scene goes as follows:

Comic-relief: "...to open the door, one must say the following..."

Van Helsing: "In the name of God open this door."

At this point the door actually frickin' opens, and some cool effects follow. Now, Van Helsing said this aloud in ENGLISH, and it opened the door when the inscription was written in LATIN! Everyone around the theater was too in awe by the special effects, which were obviously placed there to take away from the mindlessness of this particular scene. I noticed it, and I was aghast. Sommers wrote the script for this film, and all I can say is maybe it's time to hire a screenwriter on your next project Stevie.

The acting is well-done from Jackman. He really can carry a movie on his own, and should he ever have a Wolverine spin-off from the X-Men franchise, it should be really well-received. Should his hopes be that Van Helsing becomes his career-making role, I think he should look elsewhere. Kate Beckinsale plays the beautiful chick whose name I can't think of at the moment, but she's really just there for eye-candy as she does nothing truly important with the story. Her lack of talent is witnessed with her ever-changing accent, and the way that her make-up never gets messed up, and her lacking ability to break any bones with even the hardest of falls is nauseating to say the least. The chemistry between the two lead stars which should be heavily shown is never really pursued, and aside from their single on-screen kiss (which was so kindly seen in every preview for the movie six-months ahead of time), there is nothing to show any emotional connection between the two. This actually turns out to be a key part of the latter-half of the film, and it ends up being another real let-down. The last main gripe is the running-time on this thing. I like seeing these monsters as much as the next guy, but is two-and-a-half hours really needed to make it all happen? I don't think so.

To sum up this movie, it's an overall mixture of things that work and don't work, much like "The Punisher," but worse. The action scenes are cool to watch some of the time, but other times, they overstay their welcome. So much CG is shoved into your face that you wish it were a Pixar film so that the rest of the cast would have only had to use their voices. A couple of other things before I wrap this up, an ENTIRE chase sequence involving a carriage being chased by vampires I felt could have been completely cut from the film to no ill-effect. That would have been twenty less minutes I was in this theater. And the "Return of the Jedi" ending could have been changed, I mean seriously, when you see this ending, you will think George Lucas should be suing somebody for two things. One for using his ending, and two for making a movie a lot worse than it should have been with too much CG. It's not just George's game anymore, Stephen Sommers is in town now.

Grade: C-

[James_Bond]

Nice review, you should start your own review thread!

:)

[noonecares]

I guess that my first post got erased for advertising? I would guess that's a rule here, but I didn't think when I posted, so I apologize.

This may contain spoilers...I tell some happenings of the movie, but I don't give away the plot...read at your own risk...

VAN HELSING

Van Helsing could be thought of as the first highly anticipated action blockbuster that officially kicks off the summer movie season. Then again, I could be making all that up. Either one is correct, depending on what your mindset is, and I'll be the first to say that this film really does make an attempt at kicking off the season in the right way. What this film ultimately delivers, however, is really just a big, mixed bag of problems.

The story of Van Helsing is adapted from the Bram Stoker novel "Dracula," and in case you don't know, Van Helsing is the vampire hunter from the book. For you geeks out there, he's pretty much the equivalent to the Belmont clan from "Castlevania." The main difference with Van Helsing, is that his hunting isn't just reserved to Dracula, or even vampires for that matter. He is only described as a 'holy man' that hunts down evil...well, what the Catholic church deems as evil anyway (God himself knows what they could deem evil).

The film opens with a nice introduction to get the viewer in the right frame of mind for what they are about to see. The film is in black-and-white for the first ten or so minutes, and it really does give a nostalgic feel, successfully attempting to bring us back to the old days of monster movies. It's a nice foot to get off on. It's really too bad that the rest of the film begins stumbling right after everything changes to color, which coincides with our first glimpse of Van Helsing. We see Van Helsing fighting a monster that looks so incredibly fake, you will think he is in front of a green screen (nice huh?), and the battle is so monotonous and drawn-out that you will be praying for it to be the climax of the film. Well, it's not. It is just Stephen Sommers' way of showing us that his hero can take out things much larger than himself, but we should have known that after hearing that the title of this movie was the hero's frickin' name.

After dealing with what we later find out is "Mr. Hyde," (of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde fame...) Van Helsing is called upon by the Vatican to go to Transylvania and take down Dracula, to which he happily obliges, after complaining for five minutes. After a few obligatory scenes a la "Men in Black," every James Bond film ever made, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," and even "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," in which we are introduced to the headquarters where the inventions and weapons that take down these 'evils' are made, Van Helsing sets out with his comic-relief buddy and thus the 'real' adventure begins. Unfortunately, the film's problems begin way before the adventure even gets going, and by this point, we are almost already tired of the overused and fake-looking CG.

This film seriously could have used a few more puppets, and a few less wire-frames. The CG is really becoming Stephen Sommers' best friend, and I feel it really takes away some of his credibility. In "The Mummy" he used the technique to aide his characters and emphasize their perils. In "The Mummy Returns," he rushed so much to get the movie to theaters, that the special effects really suffered. With "Van Helsing," Somers' effects people had nearly a full-year to get it right and make up for his last film's mistakes. I don't know what happened, the effects definitely look clearer and more convincing than his last outing, but rather than aide his storyline, they basically take over the movie, and that's not a good thing (ask George Lucas). Aside from the villagers and the lead characters themselves, nearly everything is a computer animated farce. From the backgrounds to the creatures, they are all cursed with that weird "Army toy/too shiny and smooth to be real" look. It's really a let-down. If there is ever a sequel to this flick, which there is a very good chance of, please Mr. Sommers, if you're reading this...USE LESS CG!!! It will help you out, trust me!

As for the rest of the movie, the storyline is as basic as they come, and has been seen a hundred times before. The bad guy needs something the good guy has, and he will stop at nothing to get it. The thing the good guy has ends up being some giant 'key' to something else, and if his plan isn't foiled, the world is in jeopardy. If you go expecting something original, you won't find it here is basically all I'm saying. Aside from all of the old movie monsters (there's the Wolfman, Dracula, and Frankenstein) the only original thing about this movie is how bad some of the dialogue, and overall script-writing is. For example, at one point the heros are trying to figure out how to open this magical door. There is a corner of an inscription, written in Latin, missing along the wall, and Van Helsing happens to have the missing corner of the mural, scroll, whatever it is... Upon reading the complete inscription, which keeping in mind IS IN LATIN, the scene goes as follows:

Comic-relief: "...to open the door, one must say the following..."

Van Helsing: "In the name of God open this door."

At this point the door actually frickin' opens, and some cool effects follow. Now, Van Helsing said this aloud in ENGLISH, and it opened the door when the inscription was written in LATIN! Everyone around the theater was too in awe by the special effects, which were obviously placed there to take away from the mindlessness of this particular scene. I noticed it, and I was aghast. Sommers wrote the script for this film, and all I can say is maybe it's time to hire a screenwriter on your next project Stevie.

The acting is well-done from Jackman. He really can carry a movie on his own, and should he ever have a Wolverine spin-off from the X-Men franchise, it should be really well-received. Should his hopes be that Van Helsing becomes his career-making role, I think he should look elsewhere. Kate Beckinsale plays the beautiful chick whose name I can't think of at the moment, but she's really just there for eye-candy as she does nothing truly important with the story. Her lack of talent is witnessed with her ever-changing accent, and the way that her make-up never gets messed up, and her lacking ability to break any bones with even the hardest of falls is nauseating to say the least. The chemistry between the two lead stars which should be heavily shown is never really pursued, and aside from their single on-screen kiss (which was so kindly seen in every preview for the movie six-months ahead of time), there is nothing to show any emotional connection between the two. This actually turns out to be a key part of the latter-half of the film, and it ends up being another real let-down. The last main gripe is the running-time on this thing. I like seeing these monsters as much as the next guy, but is two-and-a-half hours really needed to make it all happen? I don't think so.

To sum up this movie, it's an overall mixture of things that work and don't work, much like "The Punisher," but worse. The action scenes are cool to watch some of the time, but other times, they overstay their welcome. So much CG is shoved into your face that you wish it were a Pixar film so that the rest of the cast would have only had to use their voices. A couple of other things before I wrap this up, an ENTIRE chase sequence involving a carriage being chased by vampires I felt could have been completely cut from the film to no ill-effect. That would have been twenty less minutes I was in this theater. And the "Return of the Jedi" ending could have been changed, I mean seriously, when you see this ending, you will think George Lucas should be suing somebody for two things. One for using his ending, and two for making a movie a lot worse than it should have been with too much CG. It's not just George's game anymore, Stephen Sommers is in town now.

Grade: C-


hey just for info if you have read bram stokers dracula and did research
you would find that truly Quincy P. Morris is supposibly the decendent of the belmont clan, but Van Helsing was Cool anyway

[jrs]

I didn't like Van Helsing at all . You can't compare The Punisher to it in any way, shape or form. It's 110% better.

[WiLdHoNeE]

I was soo excited to see van helsing and when i seen it..it just rocked. But one thing was unclear was what the affilation between VH and Dracula was. I got it that there of the same blood line and sorts. And that he killed him all them yrs ago but how did he loose him memory and why is he still alive and such. Did i miss something and what? What did you think about it?

[Psycho]

Im not sure either, i might watch it again to figure it out

[Hellraiser]

I didnt understand that either and I dont care. That movie was garbage in my eyes.

[Fall-from-Grace]

Go watch Nosferatu, that was much better.

[Hellraiser]

And then watch shadow of the vampire.

[Psycho]

I didnt understand that either and I dont care. That movie was garbage in my eyes.

U either like Van Helsing or hate it, personally i liked it but you have your own opinion

[amber0728]

This movie had tremendous potential but I think it suffered from a new disease among directors to produce franchises. In otherwords, too much importance is being placed on pre-history and potential sequels - at the expense of the movie at hand. Highlander was a great movie - we didn't know where the Immortals came from - they just were. Then the sequel came out with a space / time travel tie-in that we must never speak of again. Similarly, Van Helsing could have been made to stand on it's own as a great comic book / horroresque movie - but instead the viewer felt as though we were watching Part II of a trilogy. Still, Kate Beckinsale was unbelievably beautiful - her looks and Hugh's acting make the movie worth watching. BTW, seeing Faramir (LOTR II/III) as a mousy assistant didn't work for me at all.

Just my two cents ...

[UrWorseNitemare]

Meg: It was *****,simple as that.

Spike: Actually it was kinda-

Meg: NO! NOOO! It was horrible!

Spike: Obviously I don't have a opinion here..

Meg: Damn right!!

[PimpDaShizzle V2.0]

This movie was soooo stupid. Zzat would have you believe it is good, but Zzat would also have you believe I am totally rad, in which case he would be correct.

Okay, here I try to go. The black and white at the beginning. Why? The time laps was one year. One year... Do we really need to go to black and white to show how old it was? No. Because if you did, you might as well do the whole thing in black and white. This would be a good slap stick sequence though. Have something shot in black and white and play it off like it is really old, then show that it was only 5 minutes ago. I would laugh like this, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Stupid Van Helsing doesn't have my style though.

Also, those dramatic cliched vampire chicks? Oh, look at me play the typical vampire lady fan, oh look at me be overly dramatic. Oh, look at me the scriptwriter not be creative and use generic nonsense. (Nonsense - I am good at nonsense.)

And why, why'o'why did that main chick have to be the typical overused femnist terminator? I'm serious. Underworld, Van Helsing, chip in when ever you get the feeling people. It doesn't take much effort to make creative characters. You sit with others, or by yourself and say, "Nope. I've seen it." Or you say, "Yeah, this is really interesting." When you say the second comment to yourself, use it. When you end up saying, "Yeah, and she/he/it can be like 'so-so' movie." More than likely you're gonna' have another cliched character.

Case and point, this movie sucked. I'm beginning to think you could watch most movies coming out in theaters back to back and not even tell the difference.

It had some good lighting though.

THAT'S ALL MY OPINION THOUGH

[iluv2viddyfilms]

And then watch shadow of the vampire.


And then watch Herzog's take on Nosferatu

[iluv2viddyfilms]

This movie had tremendous potential but I think it suffered from a new disease among directors to produce franchises. In otherwords, too much importance is being placed on pre-history and potential sequels - at the expense of the movie at hand. Highlander was a great movie - we didn't know where the Immortals came from - they just were. Then the sequel came out with a space / time travel tie-in that we must never speak of again. Similarly, Van Helsing could have been made to stand on it's own as a great comic book / horroresque movie - but instead the viewer felt as though we were watching Part II of a trilogy. Still, Kate Beckinsale was unbelievably beautiful - her looks and Hugh's acting make the movie worth watching. BTW, seeing Faramir (LOTR II/III) as a mousy assistant didn't work for me at all.

Just my two cents ...


I think any actioner/CGI teenie fest "WOW that's COOL!" movie ala X-Men, Daredevil, and a thousand others I can't remember are awful and have no potential. Except to make money, and it's easier to make a **** film and make money than it is to make a quality film and make money. We are dealing with an audience who calls MTV and reality shows entertainment you know. Could we think they would want anything different in the theaters? And judging from the two X-Men movies Hugh Jackman is an incrediably boring actor. Actually I don't much consider him an actor to tell the truth. More just like a poster boy who appears on film so 14 year old girls can hang posters of him up. Not much more than that.

[SpoOkY]

Case and point, this movie sucked.

:yup:, I'm a your typical guy who likes a bit of action, but me and my fellow action-loving friends all hated this movie, for all it's coolness there was too much crapness.


It had some good lighting though

Yeah I'll pay that, the lighting was kinda cool

[Tazz]

This movie was soooo stupid. Zzat would have you believe it is good, but Zzat would also have you believe I am totally rad, in which case he would be correct.

What made you think i thought it was good?

I believe your a complete moron. Does that count for anything? Can i have a cookie?

Van Helsing 5.5/10, plot made alot of sense, but it was way too long.

[iluv2viddyfilms]

What they should have done was thrown Abbot and Costello into the mix since they included every Universal monster they could think of in it.

[starrdarcy]

I didn't like it either, i didn't even watch the whole movie it was so bad. There has been a lot of strange movies coming out these days: LXG, Hellboy, Van Hellsing...

[Saxon Wench]

This guy has made some crap films, The Mummy 1+2, Scorpion King and now Van Helsing!

To much tongue in cheek, to much CGI, to many crap actors...etc
If this guy is directing, stay well clear!!

If he had gone for a more serious type of film and toned down the 'way over the top effects', I think he would be half way there.

Sorry!

[starrdarcy]

This guy has made some crap films, The Mummy 1+2, Scorpion King and now Van Helsing!

To much tongue in cheek, to much CGI, to many crap actors...etc
If this guy is directing, stay well clear!!

If he had gone for a more serious type of film and toned down the 'way over the top effects', I think he would be half way there.

Sorry!
YES! CGI needs to be done in MODORATION!
Action dosnt alwats sell...

[Charismasloverno5]

there is no point in action unless is moves the story, such as The Lord of the Rings, all the fighting moves the plot along, but with Van Helsing the action was just there so it could be shown in the trailer and inspire people to pay their money to see an utter diabolic film with horrible characters, an awful script and stupidly re-imagined villians, why did Sommers have to ruin memories of the greats with stupid redesigns of them whe the movie is supposed to take place in the past, what is the point of modernising things if they are set in the past? other than to waste money on crap CG and acting, i mean Come On! could they find no one better to play Dracula and the vampire brides, what was with all of the shrieking, it got embarresing and made you wonder why you are watching it.

A truly awful film. Hear that Sommers, another bad film to your collection, maybe you can ruin Flash Gordon to have a string of 5 flops in row.

[yellowjacket1]

This movie was EXACTLY like watching a two-hour video game. How old was the person that wrote this script? I know you don’t go to this type of film looking for a deep plot or even a believable story but you at least expect coherent entertainment. From the opening fight scene with Mr. Hyde through the end of the film, there wasn’t one single moment when you bought in to the CGI chaos that was depicted on the screen. When severely underdeveloped characters are flying around and defying every law of physics, you’re never allowed to get involved in the movie on any level other then the “cool cartoon” level (and quite frankly very few of the jerky CGI cartoon creature scenes were that cool). I could literally list the WAY over the top, unbelievable cartoon moments but that would fill up an entire page. The sad part is that most of the CGI monsters looked really fake. From Hyde to the baby vampires to the vampire women, they all looked extremely cheesy. Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale are exceptional actors but were so stranded by this script and by the stunts that it almost hurt to watch them floundering on screen from one fake backdrop to another. The hambone that played Dracula threw so much over the top cheese at EVERY single line he delivered that my arteries hardened just watching him. To call this film a disappointment would be an understatement. I was greatly looking forward to it because of the concept, the cast and the obviously huge budget. It’s such a shame that they threw this much talent and this much money behind a script written by someone’s pre-teen child. I guess I should be asking myself why would I expect anything remotely intelligent from a movie that was directed by the director of The Mummy & Mummy Returns? I’d say next time I’ll know better but there won’t be a next time for me sitting through any more of this guy’s movies.

Spoilers….. Kate’s character spends most of her time getting smacked around, dangling from great heights and often falling from those heights but bounces up with barely a scratch. Yet, she gets humped for two seconds by the Van Wolfman and dies? What was the story with her and her brother? I know they were the last royalty but I think they were TOO close. Wasn’t that them making out in Heaven there at the end? How can any director rationalize shooting and producing the idiotic things that occurred in this movie? Fun action is one thing but one stupid, cheesy and over the top CGI moment after the other is quite another thing. Van Helsing jumping all around the cathedral fighting a Mr. Hyde that doesn’t bleed was video-gamesque in every way. Apparently, all the people in Kate’s little town do is stand around in their courtyard with farm equipment ready to beat strangers and be food for vampires. They were upset when one died so obviously they weren’t looking to fight back. What was the deal with the hambone Dracula’s master plan? He has no emotions so he wants offspring? I nearly laughed out loud when he says he doesn’t feel anything yet he delivers this line in ANGER and then he LAUGHS. Van Helsing was the one who killed him when he was mortal but he treats him like a long lost friend and carries on a nice plodding conversation when Van Helsing first confronts him? By the way, why is Van Helsing 600 years old? Because he’s the left arm of God? Huh? Another laugh out loud moment happened when it clearly wasn’t meant to. As Kate swings like Tarzan from hundreds of feet in the air from a castle window, Friar Goober flings her a syringe (the only way to save Van Wolfman) in a driving rainstorm. What results is a nice catch and the movie’s 50th “roll your eyes” moment. The fact that Friar Goober just walks across the remnants of the bridge moments later makes it even more laughable. Every single time one of these vampire supercreatures has the edge they stop to talk, gloat, or toy with Kate or Van Jackman. Even Dracula stops to give his last live action cheesy moment as the moon goes behind the clouds and Van Wolfman is helpless. OY. This was just bad at every turn. You know they’re over doing the fake CGI when in the middle of an action sequence I was more fixated on Kate Beckinsale’s perfect behind then on any of the “spectacular” CGI shots going on around her. Yes, she’s extremely gorgeous but I’m not that big of a horndog. I just was tired at looking at silly CGI that offered nothing new. Hugh Jackman had better shelve this franchise and get back to the clever franchise that’s made him a star. The X-Men franchise is everything Van Helsing isn’t. Hugh can play a hero with memory problems that can kick ass there but he can do it with a real character and a real director.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Stupid Dracula. The vampire children and Dracula's mean hos were funny. I thought it might actually be very picturesque and flattering to the old Universal monster movies, but noooo... OK storyline, and whatshisface was hot in it (no, not Frankenstein).

[vd853]

I didn't like Van Helsing at all . You can't compare The Punisher to it in any way, shape or form. It's 110% better.

Yup, Van Hels is way out of it's league. It's more comparable to Elektra, which also sucks.

[Uncle Jay]

My review...

So, they took Wolverine, one the most beautiful actresses in film today, one of the supporting players from "Lord of the Rings", and an annoying unknown for a villain. And under the supervision of the director of the lukewarm "Mummy" films...they made "The Mummy Part 3", oh excuse me, "Van Helsing".

Alright, seriously...

For the second year in a row, Hugh Jackman kicks off the summer movie extravaganza. But Mr. Jackman may want to be careful in what he chooses next, because “Van Helsing” isn’t very good.

Set in the late 19th Century, the film starts off in the laboratory of the infamous Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Samuel West) where he is about to create his Monster (Shuler Hensley). However Count Vladislaus Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) is also in attendance at this event, for the Count has special plans for the abomination. Dracula viciously kills Victor, but the Monster escapes the castle and is presumed dead, much to Dracula’s devastation.

One year later, the legendary monster hunter Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is summoned to East Europe to take on the job of hunting down Count Dracula. He is teamed up with a wise but fearful monk, Carl (David Wenham), who also supplies Helsing’s weapons, and they venture to the town where the Frankenstein was killed, which is the same town that Dracula and his vamp-vixens are terrorizing and feeding. Van Helsing and Carl then meet up with the beautiful Anna (Kate Beckinsale), the heir of a long-running family committed to hunting down and destroying Count Dracula.

It seems that the Count is breeding a special breed of vamps by the thousands to terrorize humanity, however the Frankenstein Monster is the key to making this project perfect. So it’s up to our heroes to figure this out and track down the Monster and protect him before it’s too late. But the plot thickens (barely) when Anna’s brother is turned into The Wolfman and nonetheless, bites Van Helsing, which makes things a little uneasy.

Doesn’t sound very good does it?! Well, it’s worse when you watch it! This movie was awful, just downright pathetic. You know if Stephen Sommers wanted to make “The Mummy Part III”, he didn’t have to go and disguise it as “Van Helsing”, because that’s what he did. That same stupid, clichéd comedic/action jargon is displayed gloriously in this well produced film (which is why I was disappointed in “The Mummy” in the first place). Hugh Jackman looks like he phoned this one in, Richard Roxburgh annoyed the f*ck out of me (damn was he horrible) and Kate Beckinsale is THE BEST F*CKIN’ THING ABOUT THIS FILM (okay, I thought the werewolves were cool too)!! She looks good and seems to be the only one having fun with this flick, but even her sexiness couldn’t save this film.

What ever happened to the Stephen Sommers that gave us the greatness that was “Deep Rising”? Far better than both of his “Mummy” films and this “Van Garbage”! If you haven’t seen “Rising”, do yourself a favor, f*ck this bullsh*t and go rent/buy “Deep Rising”…or if vamps and werewolves are your thing, go check out “Underworld”, a far superior film…and it has Kate Beckinsale too!!

*

-UJ

[jrs]

MAJOR SPOILER!!!!

The film is a piece of sh*t!!!!!!!!!!