Ah Dang, I Think I Moved Too Fast

[John McClane]

Alrighty folks, I need some advice from both sides (female and male), so if you feel like chiming in then I will listen. Also, I apologize for the length in advance.

I have been dating a girl (going out on dates...not a committed relationship) for the past two weeks, and in the beginning it was naturally a surreal and exciting time. We spent the long weekend of the 4th together, and I met her parents. She comes from a different socio-economic status than I do, so I was pretty much a fish out of water that entire weekend but did a good job of rolling with the richies. A few things came to light that caused me to reevaluate how I see my future being shared with someone (i.e. what it would mean with her). While it was a difficult thing for me to reimagine my future I was able to do it (she doesn't want kids, but I am not sure how I feel...she has some extreme views about important issues of mine...yet I look at her and feel something special).

Last weekend she was going out of town so I stayed the night with her and took her to the public transit in the early AM, and this time together was entirely different than the weekend before. I saw her on her way and for the next few days we kept in communication and during that time away from her I processed what little information I had available to me. I came to the conclusion that I had moved much too fast for my own good thus putting me into freak out mode, which is never good for me. Nonetheless, I made certain to make some time for her today after work, as it was the first day back from her trip and she will probably be slammed this weekend with work.

This brings me to where I need some advice: I bought her a card that had a friendship-esque quality to it (i.e. a good friend does this...but a great friend does this). I made sure to add a little extra to what the card said but without coming across as anything more than a friend. I spent about 2 hours with her and in the process we had our first fight. She had pulled some fries from the oven and I took ONE off the baking sheet and she flipped: facial expressions, body language, and spoken words that I had not seen/heard before that expressed obvious disappointment/anger. Naturally, I pushed the issue by taking ONE more fry from the baking sheet about 4-5 minutes later, as she was leaving the kitchen. I made sure she saw it so as to gauge her response, and it led to a heated discussion between us. I told her it was "an inbred trait" and she said she could "deal with big issues like cheating but not little issues like that one." She goes on to try and correct my usage of the word inbred in addition to ONE poorly structured sentence (in my defense...I was tired so my natural don't give a s*** attitude came to the surface resulting in the sentence).

Well, by this time I was pretty pissed and just wanted out of there, so I ended up leaving to pick up a friend from work and told her I'd call her later. I did call her later and acted as if nothing had happened and she seemed to do the same. Here are the options I have in my head so far:


Pretend like the last time we hung out (today) didn't even happen but take that knowledge and learn from it & not bring up the too close, too fast nature of our "relationship"...but rather just cool things down by being SLIGHTLY aloof at times
Apologize for being an a**hole by testing her response to the fry thing & speaking my mind about how I feel about how fast we are moving and the "fight" we had
Don't apologize...but make it clear things are being slowed down by me for my own sake/emotional safety


So folks, what should I do?

[AboveTheClouds]

For two weeks of not really dating, but sort of kind of maybe in a way potentially seeing each other, but not exclusively... it seems to me like you're over thinking this whole exchange. And if that's the case at this stage in the game, maybe you'd be further ahead to just nip this in the bud and end it before it really causes you emotional strife and stress. Besides, if she can't handle you eating a fry off the tray that's pretty petty, but then again so is pushing such a ridiculous issue to make her angry. Don't tempt the bull if you don't want the horns, man.

[Omnizoa]

she has some extreme views about important issues of mine...yet I look at her and feel something special
There's your first problem, ignoring potential conflicts in favor of "feeling special".

She had pulled some fries from the oven and I took ONE off the baking sheet and she flipped: I mean, facial expressions, body language, and spoken words that I had not seen/heard before that expressed obvious disappointment/anger.
There's your second problem, irrationality.

she said she could "deal with big issues like cheating but not little issues like that one."
Still irrationality.


Accepting you made some mistakes here's my takeaway:

Don't date people with fry-trigger tempers armed with a stove unless you want to find yourself on a baking sheet.

Actually get to know people before you flip the "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you" switch. That special feeling can blind you.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Cheat on her? She can deal with that. Eat her fries? She can't deal with that.

Sounds like she doesn't want ya. If you run off with someone else, that's fine, but if you steal food off her plate, you're dead. She wants the fries, not you. I hate being so negative, but that's what comes to mind here.

[John McClane]

Extra info: she's busier than me and before I left she mentioned us creating a weekend routine so we could see each other. I have no problem with that but her idea seemed a bit heavy for me (sleeping over Friday nights).

[Omnizoa]

Extra info: she's busier than me and before I left she mentioned us creating a weekend routine so we could see each other. I have no problem with that but her idea seemed a bit heavy for me (sleeping over Friday nights).
With a complete monster like you? Clearly pathological.

[Sexy Celebrity]

With a complete monster like you? Clearly pathological.

Well, when they break up, you can date her.

[Omnizoa]

Well, when they break up, you can date her.
I'm never satisfied with just one fry, I want the whole potato.

[doubledenim]

:)

[Yoda]

Some version of #2 is the way to go: sounds like she overreacted to the fry thing, but if you took the next one just to provoke her, yeah, the thing to do is apologize for that.

Obviously, the annoying thing here is that she might not apologize back for her role (whatever you feel it genuinely is) in the spat. But either way, you learn a lot about her: if she apologies for overreacting, that's great. You fought productively and both got over it. If she doesn't, well, that's pretty valuable information to have when deciding whether or not you want to keep seeing her, no?

I would completely rule out being deliberately aloof if you have any hopes or interest in a long-term relationship.

[Topsy]

yikes,if shes already picking on you like that after two weeks,i would bail :lol:

But id go with number 1. theres no reason to have a big discussion about it,BUT you should take it with you. I think thats a pretty odd things to go nuts over in such a new "relationship" that isnt even a relationship yet. i mean im still in "politness" mode well into atleast a month after the dating started-those kind of fights would usually reserved for someone whos been together for a long time/or live together and have just been around eachother too much so the annoyance comes out from the little things. if it needs to be talked about i would crack a joke about it being a stupid fight

[Omnizoa]

if she apologies for overreacting, that's great. You fought productively and both got over it.
Until it happens again, at which point the ultimatum becomes slightly different.

[Omnizoa]

I think thats a pretty odd things to go nuts over in such a new "relationship" that isnt even a relationship yet. i mean im still in "politness" mode well into atleast a month
So avoiding conflicts is just polite? Somehow I have difficulty seeing myself appreciating that sort of politeness when someone who I thought I got along with suddenly decides it's no longer polite time.

That's how you wind up in scenarios like these. Full disclosure.

[earlsmoviepicks]

Time will tell. You're both gonna push each others buttons no doubt, even after years of marriage, but it's how you deal with it that counts.

[The Rodent]

I'd simply asker her why she reacted so strongly over taking a chip from the tray.


There's 2 outcomes.
1. She'll tell you... and you can then gauge how her mind works. Maybe she was tired or something. You yourself were tired and had a bit of attitude as you said. She might have just been the same.
2. She'll freak out, and accuse you of being insensitive... if she does that over a chip, then you'll know how her mind works.


If I was in that situation, now don't take this as something you should do, but from my own experiences with women... I'd be out the door.

[Omnizoa]

1. She'll tell you... and you can then gauge how her mind works. Maybe she was tired or something. You yourself were tired and had a bit of attitude as you said. She might have just been the same.
2. She'll freak out, and accuse you of being insensitive... if she does that over a chip, then you'll know how her mind works.
3. She'll blankly deny any memory of the event and begin asking you insistent questions like "What's wrong? Don't you want us to be together?".

[Topsy]

So avoiding conflicts is just polite? Somehow I have difficulty seeing myself appreciating that sort of politeness when someone who I thought I got along with suddenly decides it's no longer polite time.

That's how you wind up in scenarios like these. Full disclosure.

lol its not like turning on/off a switch though. my point is that there shouldnt have been a conlfict.Having a proper go at someone for taking fries is odd after only two weeks or dating and you dont even see eachother that often. it would be enough to just say dont take any yet. as i said-getting that angry for something like that is something i would think was more normal if there was an underlying issue.

[Sexy Celebrity]

lol its not like turning on/off a switch though. my point is that there shouldnt have been a conlfict.Having a proper go at someone for taking fries is odd after only two weeks or dating and you dont even see eachother that often. it would be enough to just say dont take any yet. as i said-getting that angry for something like that is something i would think was more normal if there was an underlying issue.

Right. It's not about the fries.

[The Rodent]

lol its not like turning on/off a switch though. my point is that there shouldnt have been a conlfict.Having a proper go at someone for taking fries is odd after only two weeks or dating and you dont even see eachother that often. it would be enough to just say dont take any yet. as i said-getting that angry for something like that is something i would think was more normal if there was an underlying issue.



This.
This is why I said I'd be out the door.
But that's just me.

[Citizen Rules]

So folks, what should I do?I don't know you, but I seen your pics on the photo thread, you both look like nice people (assuming that's the same girl).

I'll give it to you straight.

I bought her a card that had a friendship-esque quality to it That's why she blew up over the french fries. She was ready for something very serious and you backed off, which pissed her off. The french fries was just an excuse.

I told her it was "an inbred trait" and she said she could "deal with big issues like cheating but not little issues like that one."

I did call her later and acted as if nothing had happened and she seemed to do the same. If you guys can't talk about what happened and why, then neither of you are ready for a serious relationship. Take it slow.

[John McClane]

All of this advice is good. Thanks everyone.

Here are my quick thoughts: I plan to call tonight and apologize about the second fry being a test of mine and, in this same conversation, I am going to tell her that I need to dial back on where things are going because I think we make great friends.

I personally don't think I owe her this conversation in person because we have only known each other for a month or so, and it has only been 2 weeks of elevated interest between us.

Any extra thoughts are appreciated.

[Daniel M]

How many dates did you go on in those two weeks?

[John McClane]

Maybe a few shy of 8 dates. I spent the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd of July with her at her parent's house. Then again on the 8th. Nothing terribly naughty happened.

[Daniel M]

So you started going round hers and met her parents pretty much as soon as you started dating? How did you meet? Sorry for the perhaps not so helpful to your original question, just curious as long as you don't mind me asking questions :D I don't have much to offer in terms of advice to this particular situation that hasn't already been said, probably apologise for testing with the second chip but just say you were curious as to why she was so angry, see if she apologises and offers an exclamation. The whole thing seems odd and like an overreaction from her part, but if she offers up an exclamation that's understandable I wouldn't let it get in the way of you two if you really like her.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Nothing terribly naughty happened.
That's your problem.

[John McClane]

Probably should have mentioned this sooner but we met at work.

And yeah, met her parents pretty much right off the bat because she lives with them (biggest d*** house I've ever been in).

[John McClane]

That's your problem.Elaborate?

[MonnoM]

Were the fries extra crispy? If so, I really can't blame you.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Elaborate?

I was joking (sort of) -- but I'll say this --

You've done a disservice to your relationship by making this thread.

Now, maybe she'll never see this thread. Maybe she wouldn't care. But I am AGAINST blabbering about your relationship problems publicly on the internet. As you've done here.

I am guilty of doing it myself in the past -- but that was the past.

I just don't like this whole thing with people going on the internet and airing their dirty laundry. You might as well be screaming out your window during a fight, letting the whole world know you hate your girlfriend or something.

I know people need advice about things like this from time to time.... but, urgh! This is so unromantic, making your relationship issues public like this. To me, you've already revealed yourself as a large part of the relationship's problem by making this thread and spilling your guts. I'm gonna say this -- MoFo is not your family. I don't care about all the "we're different, we're a family" mantras being said around here -- that's cool in a way -- but we're not your family. We're not your therapists. Step one in getting on the right path -- and this involves A LOT OF THINGS you do around here -- it involves you rambling on and on about certain stuff in the Shoutbox, even -- SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Just shut your mouth. Shut up! Stop bringing your sh*t to the table all the time because this isn't the dinner table -- THIS IS PUBLIC PROPERTY. I mean, yeah, it's owned by Yoda and all that, but this is being said in public. Don't ask for relationship advice here. Nobody should. Go somewhere else. Get off the computer and talk to someone not on the internet.

[John McClane]

Dang, what gives, man? Why the hate?

I'm not in a relationship with her, so I don't see what the big deal is about asking for a little advice. And it's easier to get multiple viewpoints from people this way than walking around and telling people your story over and over again. IMO, that's way worse than this right here.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Dang, what gives, man? Why the hate?

This is not hate. This is concern.

I'm not in a relationship with her, so I don't see what the big deal is about asking for a little advice.

See, there's a problem -- you're asking for relationship advice, and you're like, "but I'm not in a relationship with her!" If you're TRYING to be in a relationship with her, you're GOING to be. So think about what you're doing. Be more discreet.

[John McClane]

See, there's a problem -- you're asking for relationship advice, and you're like, "but I'm not in a relationship with her!" If you're TRYING to be in a relationship with her, you're GOING to be. So think about what you're doing. Be more discreet.But that's just the thing: I'm not trying to be in a relationship with her. I'm trying to find the best way to turn the heat down without getting stabbed.

[Sexy Celebrity]

But that's just the thing: I'm not trying to be in a relationship with her. I'm trying to find the best way to turn the heat down without getting stabbed.

Ignore the bitch! She ain't gonna stab anything but some Five Guys french fries.

[John McClane]

If a mod wants to help me out by deleting this thread...it would be appreciated. I've upset SC's delicate balance! :p

[teeter_g]

As a female here is my advice. Don't listen to SC. LOL! Kidding. Seriously though. Apologize for the second fry test. See what the big deal was. (Don't phrase it that way) Maybe she was just tired or had had a ****** day and that was the last straw. Maybe she was a little hurt by the 'friendship' card that you had gotten her, I mean she likes you enough to let you meet her parents. It, most likely, didn't have anything to do with the damn french fry. Don't ignore the problem. Talk about your issues. You can't start a relationship on a crappy foundation.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Eating a french fry is something to apologize over? If this was a Sex & the City breakup, Samantha would be throwing the whole tray of french fries all over the kitchen, squirting ketchup all over them -- all over the cabinets and things, then leaving in a huff, off to find a lesbian to date in the next episode.

[seanc]

Yeah, I'm on board with the friedship card is the real issue here. Has anyone ever gotten a friendship card ever? Especially when you have been out on eight dates. I would sit her down, have an honest conversation, see what happens.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Nobody wants to date a wimp who apologizes for eating a french fry. The sexy thing to do is to eat more of them without permission.

[Sexy Celebrity]

You might as well apologize for breathing in oxygen she could have had.

[teeter_g]

It wouldn't really be apologizing for eating a french fry. It would be an apology for pushing the issue. More of a 'sorry I kept being a dick after you asked me not to be a dick' apology.

[teeter_g]

I stand with my statement though. Don't sweep it under the rug. Talk about your issues because that is how the best relationships happen, even if they just end up being great friendships. Communication is key.

[Daniel M]

Now, maybe she'll never see this thread.

I don't think his real name is John McClane, so I think this is pretty secret :p

[mark f]

You can't expect a girlfriend of a month or less to act like you're a permanent item or vice versa. You can sit down and during the course of a normal evening (or telephone call) and bring up your concerns. The thing is not to do it at the beginning or end, but just as part of the conversation because it will come naturally. Now I realize the fry thing is weird, but are you sure it wasn't a misunderstood joke? You've also got to be open to some things being more important for her just as she should be open to your idiosyncrasies and emotional uniqueness. The important thing to remember is to be on her side and tell her you want her to be on yours. Wherever that takes you this time, I'd remember it for the future. For now, the relationship should be fun. Nobody should be testing anyone about anything when you have an open relationship, but it sounds like it's more serious than fun for at least one of you, and you should try to find out why without blowing off the whole thing.

[Omnizoa]

I knew a girl who became furious and interrogated me over breakfast about "what my problem was" because I sat across from her, had glanced in her direction, and she took it as staring. Apparently she had an extreme aversion to people watching her eat.