Long Distance Relationships

[Piddzilla]

Anyone here that's having one or had one in the past?? I'm having a long distance relationship with an american girl (I'm in Sweden) and it sucks. I can't remember the last time I was as unhappy as I have been the past month and especially the past few days. Really... I don't know what to do with myself.

So, what do you guys say? Any thoughts? Experiences you'd like to share??

[Django]

Total agreement here! :( I really feel for you!

[Piddzilla]

Yeah, it sure sucks.... Thanks for your support. Are you in the same position perhaps??

[n7of9]

Pid, i'm a big beliver in "living in the moment"...life is not chock-full of happiness, but its the moments in between that make it all worthwhile

close relationships are hard enough to keep together, long distance ones are just asking for troubles....so long as you enjoy and live in the happiness of the moments when you two are able to be together, and keep them lovingly in your heart, then find a way to get on with your life when you're apart, you can be ok

there's not enough time in this world to be sad...chin up...and remember, if it gets too hard, do what is right for YOU

i feel for you :(

[MyRobotSuit]

Yeah I know how you feel. You stay up all night talking , sharing information and generally having the time of your life and then it's over. :( Oh well. Anyway, my girlfriend lives me so i'm ok.

[Fugitive]

Pid, how long for you, man? I've been in one for just over a year now (also with someone in US). It doesn't get any easier but sometimes it's more 'real' than life outside cyberspace.

[Piddzilla]

For about a year now. I'm totally ok with it even if I long for her so much, and I know she's coming here this summer. But some things have happened the past month that has hurt me so much. And I know it's the result of the distance between her and me.

Just picture this. My Internet connection went to hell at the same time as her phone stopped working. Big deal, you think. There are a number of ways to solve that. That's what I thought too which made me wonder why the **** I almost didn't hear from her at all for a month. Well, now I know why...

It's not at all what you think at the same time that it's much worse than you think.

Confusing?? You bet!!

It's nice hearing from you all. I really appreciate it. Thank you guys!

[Yoda]

Yes, once. I feel for ya', man. :( It's tough. What else is there to say?

[moviefan20]

I was in a long distance relationship for over a year. The biggest thing is trust. Has this girl or you made any attempt to see one another. It can happen if you both want it to, but if not, you should think about other options.
I didn't talk to this guy for a couple of months and I found out through is cousin that he had died. He was only 15 years old.

[Caitlyn]

I’m sorry you’ve been so unhappy Piddy… I’ve never had a long distance relationship but have friends who have had… the ones who had successful relationships really had to work at them though… and not just via the internet or phone. They wrote letters, exchanged pictures and cards a lot too… one of my friends said that it helped to have something the other one had physically touched… I hope everything works out the way you want it too… :)


Moviefan, I'm sorry about your friend... :(

[Yoda]

Originally posted by Piddzilla
Just picture this. My Internet connection went to hell at the same time as her phone stopped working. Big deal, you think. There are a number of ways to solve that. That's what I thought too which made me wonder why the **** I almost didn't hear from her at all for a month. Well, now I know why...

It's not at all what you think at the same time that it's much worse than you think.

Confusing?? You bet!!
Not confusing at all -- I know exactly what you mean. I know that feeling, and it's not a good one. I don't know that this is particularly helpful advice, but the one thing I learned through a similar situation (from the sound of things) is that you ought to trust your instincts above most of your other impulses.

If you ever wanna talk about this in any form -- email, IM, PM -- I'm here, man. I can definitely relate and I'm more than willing to be on the receiving end of a rant or vent, if need be. Hang in there.

[Fugitive]

Pid, I get days when it's really rough and when events happen that you have no control over, like no internet access, it seems to get worse. I had no contact for a short time, I can't imagine a month! But, as n7of9 said, you have to enjoy what time you do have. It's hard enough with the distance.
I'm not the easiest person to get along with even in close proximity, yet it's lasted this long. The way we figure it, we know each other on the inside which has more meaning than just a physical attraction. We're taking it day by day.
Like Yoda, if you need to talk to someone that is in a similar situation, don't hesitate to contact me by e-mail or PM.

[nebbit]

Dear Pid,

Must always have a way to contact each other either through family members or friends, have to exchange those phone no's. A month is a long time to wait all sorts of things can be going on in your mind and that can be hard as we always think the worst.

Glad things are back on track, take care:)

[Django]

Originally posted by Piddzilla
Yeah, it sure sucks.... Thanks for your support. Are you in the same position perhaps??
Not really, but I can sure imagine it must suck! Take it easy, bro!

[Naisy]

I was once in a long distance relaitonship but i just wasnt committed enough to make it last. They are hard work, extremely hard work. The only way they will last is if you trust each other fully, are madly in love and are dedicated in making it work.

Its a sad fact that they mostly fail BUT the fact is if you want them too, they can last a lifetime. I do feel for ya Pid but if you are so unhappy you have to think is it all for the best? and if it is then work for it, work for your happiness and enjoy the time you have.

[Piddzilla]

I know that I'm this unhappy only because I love her so much and that I'm now so afraid that I'm going to lose her. If I was observing this relationship from outside I would shout in my own ear "GET OUT!!!" but it's completely impossible. I owe my life to this girl. I'm nothing without her. Before I met her I had no ambitions in life and up til now I've felt like I have been given not only a second chance, but also a gift from the gods and more than I could ever possibly have asked for. And now I feel like I'm about to lose it all. I will never be the one who leaves. Never.

Damn. I can't believe I'm being so open to you guys. I guess it's because I hate to talk about my inner feelings but at the same time I really need to. It's easier on here I think.

Thank you so much for your support and your advices. All of you. Posting here has raised my spirit somewhat these days and some of you make me laugh for a little while. It feels good.

[Sir Toose]

If I may offer an old man's wisdom...

Life most often takes it's own course despite planning from us. I've yet to have a plan that ever worked out. More, it's about a desire and will to head in a direction and if it's meant to be then the details will work out.

Sit back, relax and focus on the things that you can change and modify this moment.

Fretting about the future (even tomorrow) will only cause you grief.

You're a good person Piddy, it radiates from your words... what is meant to be will happen for you and in the end you will be happy either way.

Relax, enjoy what you have and stop fretting.

[moviefan20]

I wish i had that mind set. I worry about everything.
I have seen long distant relationships be the worst and best things. How well do you know this person? Do you feel that there is a future there? If you don't already, can you or are you willing to make a committment? How do you, yourself, feel?
Like a lot of people have said already, trust is the main thing here.
I really would hate to see you invest all your time into this person and she would screw you over int the long run. Find out how she feels and compare to yours. See where it goes from there.
Best of luck to you:)

[Sir Toose]

Originally posted by moviefan20
I wish i had that mind set. I worry about everything.


It's a choice. I used to worry too... it makes no difference to the outcome.

[Fugitive]

I don't know, Toose, not to worry is easier said than done. Take it from someone who's also older, but none the wiser.

[Aniko]

Fretting about the future (even tomorrow) will only cause you grief.

Dear Lord......I know this one all to well.

I'm a old worrier also Fox. Toose...your right...it doesn't change anything to fret...and I understand you have to get into that mind set...but I just can't turn turn off the things I worry about. It's a nice thought though.


Piddy good luck with everything....especially this summer when your girlfriend visits you. Let us know what happens.



By the way...good luck to you too Fox.

[Django]

Piddzilla, wish you the best of luck. My advice to you is--you're still young--enjoy life! I hope your relationship works out, but whatever happens, don't get so depressed that you miss out on the opportunities in front of you. Take it easy!

[n7of9]

Originally posted by Piddzilla
I know that I'm this unhappy only because I love her so much.....

the human mind is a destructive thing if we let it be...sometimes we think because something is "difficult" that it must be "worthwhile"

i'm not trying to deter you Pid, but i've had some personal experiences with interpreting ones thoughts [read into that whatever you will!!!]...how we view any given situation is a matter of choice....and we must learn to control our thoughts and stop letting them control us...love is a fickle thing - biologically it doesn't exist and is a momentary chemical imbalance

my point is, the key word i read in your post was UNHAPPY - you are letting the situation make you unhappy...you have the power to carry your faraway love with you WITHOUT letting it have a negative effect on your life...you must try to take over those unhappy feelings and replace them with good ones

casestudy:: 2 weeks ago i broke up with my boyfriend...i was in my room crying after a long heated telephone call and my Mum came into my room, without saying a word, bringing my cat with her and patted me on the head as she walked out...i felt her support from her simple gesture, took a deep breath and wiped my tears away...i patted my cat and told him everything will be ok (telling myself really)...the next day the sun came up as normal, the minutes ticked by just like they always will, and the world continued to turn (and the war continued to be played out in Iraq!!)

the world and we in it continue no matter what...whether we do it with dread or whether we hold our heads up high and smile in the face of disspear is up to us


I owe my life to this girl. I'm nothing without her. Before I met her I had no ambitions in life....


no Pid, you are everything...you are as brilliant or as sad as you want to be...you are as high or as low as you place yourself

from the posts i have read from you, you seem to be a highly intelligent young man with good morals and convictions...YOU and only you are responsible for that...cheer up and take a look at the good person in the mirror

my thoughts are with you :)

[Piddzilla]

Thank you very much for those very nice words, n7of9. I guess maybe you're right. It's just that my whole future - our future - is based on us. I guess what I'm feeling now is grief. Like the mourning of a diseased loved one. If I lose her I lose the inspiration and the spark in my life and I will feel lost and empty until I can find a new spark. I've been through this before some years ago and I know it's not forever. But right now, if it is over - don't know that yet, I'm just trying to keep myself busy to not let my thoughts take over me totally. I think I quite possibly am about to go insane. :eek:

Thank you so much for your concern.... :kiss:

[Fugitive]

Pid,
a question: you talk about our future and then you talk about things as if they might be over....
I'm just guessing here, and maybe I'm interpreting things differently, but does she actually know what you're feeling right now?

[nebbit]

Originally posted by Piddzilla
I know that I'm this unhappy only because I love her so much and that I'm now so afraid that I'm going to lose her. If I was observing this relationship from outside I would shout in my own ear "GET OUT!!!" but it's completely impossible. I owe my life to this girl. I'm nothing without her. Before I met her I had no ambitions in life and up til now I've felt like I have been given not only a second chance, but also a gift from the gods and more than I could ever possibly have asked for. And now I feel like I'm about to lose it all. I will never be the one who leaves. Never.

Damn. I can't believe I'm being so open to you guys. I guess it's because I hate to talk about my inner feelings but at the same time I really need to. It's easier on here I think.

Thank you so much for your support and your advices. All of you. Posting here has raised my spirit somewhat these days and some of you make me laugh for a little while. It feels good.
Hey Pid you sound like a nice sensitive guy, just a few things that you are feeling worries me,
1.you are supposed to be happy when you are in love, and stop worrying about loosing comsentrate on enjoying her love.
2.felling you are nothing without a person can be either smoothering or a huge burdon on that person. You have to be some one without a partner and a relationship is a bonus, you were a person before you met this person.
3.Having good self esteem is very attractive, but she was attracted to the old you before you say you owe your life to her.

Live for today, you can't enjoy it if you are worring about tomorrow & what ifs Take care man

:kiss:

[Piddzilla]

I have decided that even though I would like to reply to everybody here and that it feels good talking with you guys about it, I won't post on this topic for a while. It's getting too personal - which, of course, is my own fault.

But I'll let you know what happens. I promise.

And thanks again to everyone. I never expected to get this much feedback, and very valuable feedback too. I appreciate it.

[Sir Toose]

I'm a old worrier also Fox. Toose...your right...it doesn't change anything to fret...and I understand you have to get into that mind set...but I just can't turn turn off the things I worry about. It's a nice thought though.


I don't know, Toose, not to worry is easier said than done. Take it from someone who's also older, but none the wiser.


Believe me people, I know this.

In my life I've looked death in the face (a few times) and I've lived to tell about it.

The point being that you have to 'do' instead of worrying about doing. Does that make sense?

Example:
I had surgery almost 2 years ago. I won't go into un-necessary detail but at one point the doc came in before surgery and told me that if he went forward I would most likely bleed out on the table. If he didn't, I wouldn't last another week. All I could think of was my kids living in the street. Worry came from fear and fear is mostly non-productive. As you can see I made it. The first thing I did was to fix a will, and take care of my family financially. I know they would miss me if I kicked off now... but I know they would be ok (end of worry and of fear).

I have about 4000 other examples I can bore you with.

Root out fear, fix the cause.

You too Piddy... You're scared of it all down the drain. Do whatever it takes to put yourself at ease. Not knowing is far worse than knowing and then dealing with it.

[Piddzilla]

Trust me Toose. I'm the one doing all the "doing". I'm doing everything that's in my power right now. If I told you in detail you would understand, but I can't tell you. After all I have to respect that this is two person's personal lives we're talking about. Not just mine.

[Naisy]

live for the now

[Sir Toose]

Originally posted by Piddzilla
Trust me Toose. I'm the one doing all the "doing". I'm doing everything that's in my power right now.


....and this should be telling you....?

[Piddzilla]

Originally posted by Sir Toose



....and this should be telling you....?

You stubborn slut!!!

Listen, my persistance has finally paid off. My girlfriend and I finally talked yesterday and it was ending in a very good way. A lot of things will have to change in our relationship, but she was the first to admit that. I think it will be fine. I know a good catch when i see one. And she is the catch. And that's how she feels about me too! :D :love: :yup:

I'm gonna stop now before I say something that will get me strangled by the society of cynics here.

Thank you for looking out for me, Toose. (No, I will not call you dad!). You're all the greatest. All of you.

[Sir Toose]

So everything was fine and you were just being a crybaby...

Sheez... stop crying wolf, willya?


:kiss:



Secretly, the old man is happy for the young twit

[Piddzilla]

I wasn't crying wolf. I was just crying. :bawling:

Now when you've seen the real sensitive me, I'll have to kill you. All of you. :furiousdevil:

[Sir Toose]

Hot damn!

There's a mean spirited republican in you after all!


Poppy's so proud!


:laugh:

[Aniko]

Originally posted by Piddzilla

Listen, my persistance has finally paid off. My girlfriend and I finally talked yesterday and it was ending in a very good way. A lot of things will have to change in our relationship, but she was the first to admit that. I think it will be fine. I know a good catch when i see one. And she is the catch. And that's how she feels about me too! :D :love: :yup:



Congratulations. I'm glad things are working out for you.

And now....I was dying to ask this before....but you were so down I didn't have the heart....but since you've opened the subject up......

the catch....have you two talked about moving closer together and where that might be? Not that it's any of my business......



Root out fear, fix the cause.
Thank you for your post Toose. It helps alot. Your wife is a very lucky woman by the way. ;)

[Piddzilla]

Originally posted by Sir Toose
There's a mean spirited republican in you after all!



Nobody's perfect all the time.

Originally posted by Aniko



Congratulations. I'm glad things are working out for you.

And now....I was dying to ask this before....but you were so down I didn't have the heart....but since you've opened the subject up......

the catch....have you two talked about moving closer together and where that might be? Not that it's any of my business......




Thank you for your post Toose. It helps alot. Your wife is a very lucky woman by the way. ;)

Thank you, Aniko! About moving together, we talk about it all the time, yes. But we'll see after the summer. She says she wants to live here, in Sweden, but we'll just have to see. I wouldn't mind living in New York but I will never leave Sweden forever.

[Yoda]

Originally posted by Piddzilla
I will never leave Sweden forever.
"Behold, the power of cheese."

http://archives.theconnection.org/archive/2002/04/images/0412cheese.jpg

[Piddzilla]

Originally posted by Yoda

"Behold, the power of cheese."

http://archives.theconnection.org/archive/2002/04/images/0412cheese.jpg

Sweden, Yoda. Not Switzerland. :rolleyes:

[Sir Toose]

No, no... he was talking about you.
















:rotfl:

[Yoda]

"It's the same difference."

[Austruck]

I'm going to jump in here as the Old Lady of Wisdom on this issue. Long-distance relationships, if they are trying to be permanent romantic relationships, by human nature will have to meet up and test each other out at some point.

I recommend that happen sooner rather than later. I have met many friends from online over the years, and although many were about as I expected them, many also were not. If you are going for a permanent "she's the one" relationship with someone you only know from a distance, you will need to see if being around each other will work. And that can only be tested with actual physical time together. So many factors can change your perception of her. Silly things. Little things.

-- How she smells
-- Her idiosyncrasies and mannerisms
-- How she eats her food
-- How she dresses and her personal hygiene
-- What she likes to do (even when there's nothing to do)

If you are already head-over-heels, many of these things won't even be dealt with in the first visit together. You'll be too busy seeing stars to notice whether or not she picks her teeth at dinner or blows her nose too loudly for your liking. Remember, you're talking about a possible lifetime commitment here.

Also, be sure you've got the "who is moving where" thing down. It's easy for one person in this situation to say he or she would move to another country for love, but when would the homesickness set in? (Trust me, it will.) One of you is asking the other to give up all sense of home, all the past, all friends and family, just for the other person. That is a huge responsibility for the one who's staying and a huge sacrifice for the one that's moving. Any time you have a fight (and you will), it'll be way too easy to default to one of you saying, "I moved here for you!" and the other one saying, "I took you in!"

This kind of transition can work. I know a few people who've moved to different countries to marry and be with other people. But, they've nearly all been much older and more mature.

The world you live in with a long-distance relationship (especially if the parties haven't ever met yet) is not quite the 100% real world yet. Love wants to express itself physically (not just sex, but just seeing each other, hugging, holding hands, being in the same ROOM), and that's only natural.

God once said, "For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and *cleave* to his wife." There is a sense of clinging and attaching that is missing from any long-distance relationship. That's what causes the pain. It's an unnatural state.

I think part of that unnatural state of denial is what causes an overinflated sense of importance in the relationship. It's too easy to put the relationship on a pedestal in order to nurture it, to blow it out of proportion and make it seem like more than it is. The longer you wait to meet each other, the harder it will be when you do to be brutally honest with yourself about whether or not she really *should* be "the one." Your judgment will be clouded with all the emotional investment so far.

That's my two cents, but it's based on a lot of experience, not just other people's but my own as well.

Linda

[nebbit]

Austruck you are so right, Pid and others should take your words of wisdom, I have never had a long distance relationship but I know many who have and I have yet to see one work. It seems to me that they fall in love with a fantasy and the reality is very different.:yup:

[Fugitive]

What's a 'fantasy'? The fact that you already know that person intimately before you actually meet? Sometimes you feel 'free' to give a hell of a lot more information or 'open up' more than you would face-to-face. So in fact, often you can be more 'closer' when you are in a distant relationship.
I've seen many people in my years think that they are so close and end up splitting and they were in the same area, in fact, in the same house!
I'm sure there are some relationships 'online' that are purely based on 'fun and fantasy', but don't predict the outcome on those that aren't.

[Austruck]

I didn't mean to imply that all relationships that start online fail. Heck, I met my HUSBAND online, for cryin' out loud. :)

All I was saying that, for any relationship that starts online to flourish in the romantic arena, especially since Pidzilla was saying things like she could be "the one" and language like that, then the relationship will have to be tested in the real world for it to survive. And the sooner that happens, the better.

Words of wisdom I heeded and see as smart are that you should see a potential mate at all seasons of the year, and with family members, etc. So many people are different during different times of year, different holidays, etc. If you don't spend upwards to a year of "real life" with the person somehow, you're hurting your chances for success. The more you're physically around the person, the more accurate a picture you will see of him or her.

That's all I was saying. Words of caution, but not necessarily words of doom. Just caution. Breakups are much easier than divorces. Trust me.

[nebbit]

Yes I did get what you were saying sorry if it came over the wrong way, the internet is just another way to meet people and maybe fall in love. I was just saying that all the people who I know who have met on the net have been madly in love but when they finally got togeather it hasn't worked out at all.

sorry again for the mix up but I still think you had a lot of good advice.:blush:

[Austruck]

And then there's me -- didn't really LIKE my husband at first on the internet but he talked me into dinner. (Hey, he was paying!) Then when I met him, I REALLY didn't like him very much. But he kept paying for dinner, and movies, and go-kart racing, etc. etc. (My version of a sugar-daddy, I guess! Ha!) And he was a very nice gentleman with me. And that finally won me over -- his respect, his caring, and his very WEIRD sense of humor, which took me months to start to figure out.

It took me nearly eight months of real-life time with him to realize he was the "catch" for me. If we had continued just on the internet, I don't think I would have gotten to that point. The internet in some ways can make things better or worse in a relationship -- just like anything else.

As long as you know the shortfalls of meeting romantically over the internet, and are trying to overcome them, that's a lot of the battle.

I can, though, also remember a lot of folks who seemed amazing online, and perfect matches for me, who were real duds in real life. What an eye-opener those experiences were!

[nebbit]

Your Husband sounds a lot like mine, we met through work but got togeather after he left when we met at a party 1 year later. We have been married 12years next week and I love him more now than ever. When you meet the right one it's great.:love:

Good for you also that you have a nice guy:yup:

[Fugitive]

It doesn't really matter where you meet, I think that the feelings behind them are all the same. I hope I didn't come off too strong in my comments either, but it's something I feel quite strong about. You can meet people in person and never really know them either.
I don't know how long you were conversing over the Net before you actually met but it may also depend on your personality too. I'm very shy and very quiet. Writing gives me that freedom to talk that I can't do in person.
To also have met someone on the Net in your own country is another plus and sometimes can be taken for granted. In this, I can sympathise with Pid.
I consider you very lucky.

[Piddzilla]

Wow! I've created a monster!!! But a pretty nice one... :)

I think Austruck has a lot of good points, and trust me, I've thought about them all. I'm not naive but I don't think I have to worry about things like how she blows her nose and stuff like that. If she does it loudly I will only laugh my ass off. The biggest issue is of course the fact that we live in different countries, yes. But as long as it's not forever, I really don't mind leaving Sweden and my friends and family for some time. I will miss them, sure, but I did it before when I lived in Dublin for a while, and I was ok.

Keep the thread going! It's interesting!

[Austruck]

I'm unsure what you mean, Piddzilla, when you say "as long as it's not forever."

If you guys end up together permanently (married), then isn't one of you going to have to move away from "home" forever? Or do you plan to move back and forth every few years? (I mean that honestly, although it sounds silly when I write it.)

Also, from experience I can tell you that the idiosyncrasies that seem cute or funny in the beginning can grate on you later if there are other things wrong with the relationship. As with all relationships, to keep those little things from grating, you have to make sure you have at least somewhat similar views on the big things:

how to handle money
religion
politics (if possible)
children
roles in the household

I've found over the years that these are the sort of basics that can make or break a relationship. There really is no such thing as "Our love will conquer all." Love can conquer many things, but differences in viewpoints on the basics (especially if you are older already!) usually isn't one of the things it conquers easily. At the very least, you want to give the relationship a fighting chance by having the right things in common.

I think a lot of young people think you have to have the same *hobbies* in common rather than viewpoints, and I'll testify that that's not true. In fact, I'd be wary of having the same hobbies but different viewpoints on the basics. Hobbies can only carry you so far, and you can't use them to cover up widely varying viewpoints on religion, money, and children, let's say.

My husband and I have very few hobbies in common. I love to read, go to the movies, crochet, write [a novel right now], and meet with my friends and gab. He loves to ski, watch movies at home, NEVER reads, and is very quiet even with his friends (whom he doesn't see much). But we have the basics in common and it gives us a much firmer foundation of security and trust. There is a comfort and ease between us that I never really thought possible before.

And, no matter how any of you meet "the right one," I wish you all that same ease and security. There is nothing like being with someone you trust implicitly, who will be there for you no matter what, and who can stand next to you throughout life. Net or real life, I highly recommend it!

:)

Blessings,
Linda

[Fugitive]

When Pid said 'as long as it's not forever', I think he meant that he could go back to Sweden for holidays. You'd have to confirm that, Pid. I've lived in another country before and came back home on a regular basis. Having said that, I don't think I could do it again. Maybe that's cos I'm older now, I'm not sure. Could I do it for love tho? That's tough. I understand what you're saying, Linda, when you say sometimes love doesn't conquer all. No it doesn't and issues will arise constantly too... I'm thinking not only on different views but different backgrounds/culture... No matter how open-minded we think we are on things, sometimes ..... well, I'm sure you know what I mean. My point that I was trying to make previously was that feelings felt over the distance (Net or whatever) can be just as strong as those felt when you are face-to-face. I'm sure that similar issues would also arise in this case too.

... and Pid, yes, you have opened up a can of worms! ;)

[Austruck]

I agree that feelings can be just as intense over the Net as in person. But I honestly don't think you can live that way (romantically) for very long without the pain Pid is feeling ... or without finally making a way to test the waters a little.

Getting to know a person from the inside out has definite advantages, and I prefer it. (Otherwise I'd have never gone to meet my husband that first time!)

Feelings are powerful things, no matter how they start. But I've also learned that the "head over heels" thing changes to a different type of love, a more lasting type of settled-in love -- and that love is the one that has to know how to weather any storm. Till you get past that giddy stage (which won't happen till you meet and spend time together), you really can't judge if a relationship can last long-term.

That's been my experience, and jives with everything I've read on relationships.

[Austruck]

I think I'm starting to talk in circles now. LOL! Sorry!

[Fugitive]

No, Linda, you're making perfect sense... and sound ever-the-wise-woman-of-the-world.
I think there are issues that you confront online too that you have to 'weather' the storm on. I do agree tho, that you need to take it a step further if you feel that's the person you want. That's the scary part.

[Piddzilla]

Originally posted by Austruck
I'm unsure what you mean, Piddzilla, when you say "as long as it's not forever."

If you guys end up together permanently (married), then isn't one of you going to have to move away from "home" forever? Or do you plan to move back and forth every few years? (I mean that honestly, although it sounds silly when I write it.)

Like Fox assumed, yes, I meant like going back on holidays and such. The dream is of course being able to live on two locations, but it's yet just a dream.

how to handle money

Hmmm... That might be a problem. I'm cheap. She's not.

religion

She's a believing catholic, but not a very "active" one. I'm a non-religious protestant. I'm kind of curious about her faith and want to "learn more". She tolerates me the way I am. No problem there, I think.

politics (if possible)

This is actually very important to me and fortunately we share the most basic values and views.

children

I love kids and she looooooooooooooooves kids. :laugh: She wants a thousand and I want a couple, so I guess we'll have to compromise on that one. Actually, I think she wants four. I can live with that. (I will have to regeret that I said that probably...)

roles in the household

She's very conservative about those things... But I think it will turn out well. I don't mind "staying out of her kitchen". :D

I think a lot of young people think you have to have the same *hobbies* in common rather than viewpoints, and I'll testify that that's not true. In fact, I'd be wary of having the same hobbies but different viewpoints on the basics. Hobbies can only carry you so far, and you can't use them to cover up widely varying viewpoints on religion, money, and children, let's say.

We have some "hobbies" in common, like film and music, but we are very different in other ways. When I started to know her I thought "no way" because of the distance and our totally different backgrounds, but I like people with a nice inside and hers is very beautiful. And we both like staying home and taking it easy instead of being out partying every night. Heck, I'm getting old!

[Austruck]

If preferring to stay home makes you old, then I'm ancient -- and so is Yoda!

LOL!

Anyone with a "nice inside" is worth fighting for. Frankly, if someone has a kind, gentle, forgiving, optimistic, fun spirit, THAT is the kind of thing that can conquer all.

And what a very sweet way of putting it: having a "nice inside." I really like that image. The friends that have stayed with me over the years (and I still am close to friends I had in GRADE SCHOOL even though we live hundreds of miles apart) all have "nice insides." My husband has a very gentle, nice inside. And I don't mind his outsides very much either! ;)

Blessings on your plans, Pidd! May everyone find what I seem to have found -- and quite against my own will, at first!

[Caitlyn]

I think an Austruck's Advice thread would be awesome… :D

And Piddy… I have to agree… that is a sweet way to put that… "nice inside"… I wish you two the best … :)

[Fugitive]

Good one, Cait, maybe Linda's Lonely Hearts even...

Knowing someone on 'the inside' we've started to call it knowing that person's soul of sorts.

Good luck with whatever you guys decide, Pid.

[Piddzilla]

Originally posted by Austruck
If preferring to stay home makes you old, then I'm ancient -- and so is Yoda!

That he certainly is.

Anyone with a "nice inside" is worth fighting for. Frankly, if someone has a kind, gentle, forgiving, optimistic, fun spirit, THAT is the kind of thing that can conquer all.

Then me and my girl is off with a good start. She has all those things in her. And I know that my dry sense of humor makes her laugh as well.

And what a very sweet way of putting it: having a "nice inside." I really like that image. The friends that have stayed with me over the years (and I still am close to friends I had in GRADE SCHOOL even though we live hundreds of miles apart) all have "nice insides." My husband has a very gentle, nice inside. And I don't mind his outsides very much either! ;)

I thought everybody said that: "inside". Like "it's the inside that counts" sort of... No matter how attractive someone is - and she is very very beautiful - an ugly inside ruins everything.

Blessings on your plans, Pidd! May everyone find what I seem to have found -- and quite against my own will, at first!

Thank you!

Originally posted by Caitlyn
I think an Austruck's Advice thread would be awesome… :D

That could be useful sometimes, yes.

And Piddy… I have to agree… that is a sweet way to put that… "nice inside"… I wish you two the best … :)

And thank you to you too. When you live this far away from each other you don't have no choice but to learn to listen to what the other person is saying to you, not only watching her say it. That's why I think I know her inside so well...

Originally posted by Fox
Good one, Cait, maybe Linda's Lonely Hearts even...

Knowing someone on 'the inside' we've started to call it knowing that person's soul of sorts.

Good luck with whatever you guys decide, Pid.

Thanks! And "soul" is perhaps a nicer word than "inside". ;) I just know she's a knock-out on all levels; emotional, intellectual and physical.

[Iroquois]

I was bored tonight and I decided to search for a thread on long distance relationships, and I dug up this dusty thing here. Obviously, I'm currently in one, and yeah, it's also a mixed bag. The girl in question lives in the same country, but still a fairly large distance away (in another state, anyway). We met online back in late 2007, met in real life last December (in her town), and have hit it off pretty well after that (we share plenty of the same hobbies and viewpoints - win-win). And of course, I miss her badly - I don't get to see her again till she comes here in June (and after that, who knows, although I'm planning on attending her 21st early next year). There's no significant drama, the only real problem is passing the time, and most of the time I have to spend between now and June is going to be working both at uni and at my job, neither of which are really the most pleasant ways to pass the time. Oh, well. Figured I'd get this out there.

[Ðèstîñy]

I believe in long distance relationships. That they can work just fine, as long as the two people truly care for each other. It's rare that both people end up being able to handle it. A lot of people can't, in my opinion. You just have to stay positive, not dwell on the negative, and yep, stay busy. Letting it bring you down a lot, won't do the relationship, or you, any favors. Just stay busy, in a good way, (Sorry your's has to be mostly work, but those are two things that you have to do, anyway.) and just stay excited about the next time you two get to be together.

You can chat on the phone, right? That always makes it better.

I'm sure I just told you a bunch of crap you already know, but I'm old . . . I can't help myself.

Good luck!

[Sexy Celebrity]

This is my only advice about long term relationships:

Don't date a slut.

Otherwise, she or he is likely to roam.

You can, of course, date a slut if that's the type of relationship you guys are gonna have... but as I know from my own experience, those kinds of relationships suck. In most cases.

Date someone who's good naturedly and has a low sex drive. They are key to having a successful long distance relationship.

Men, look for women who have dreams of settling down, baking cookies for her own children, dresses kind of homely, maybe attends church services. Women, look for older men who don't have health insurance and can't afford testosterone injections -- and don't tell them to read any Suzanne Somers books, she advocates hormone replacement therapy!